The Act of God :: SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board

Macbeth, (my favourite play of Shakespeare's - now there's a name to aspire to) a few tips for you:

I scanned through your screenplay and noticed that your logline is actually not what your story is about. It's actually the denouement or final act of your story.

You do need to tidy up your logline :

A poetry writer, Paul Smith become hand imputed after hit-run. While he is admitted at the hospital he refuses to accept  the nature of his new reality. He commits self-destruction by jumping off the roof top of the hospital building.

Crucial correction here should be: hand amputated btw.

But that's not really what your story is about.

It would more likely be something like:

Following the sudden death of his father a poet suffers a crisis of faith and struggles to find meaning in his life.

Macbeth, English is obviously not your first language so plaudits to you for writing as well as you do but (and I mean this in the nicest possible way) there's quite a lot of work to be done via your grammar, and also typos, mis-use of Caps, (a full line in Caps bottom of p.6) overly long description/action sequences. For the latter try to keep these at four/five lines maximum. No need for all the CUT TOs. They're not necessary as every new scene header does that job anyway. I'd only use a CUT TO if there was a big change in location, for example a scene on an LA street which then cuts to someone hanging off a waterfall in Victoria Falls.

You start with fading in to a V.O whereas really you should fade in to an actual location, in this case the hospital room. Your voice over could be OVER BLACK, for example.

Your first introduction of characters i.e., their names should be in CAPS. No need to describe their clothing - white sneakers, black trousers etc.,  Unless it's intrinsic to character detailing this is not necessary. More important was the adjective you used to describe Paul, as 'intense'.  That's what your audience needs  to see - who he is. Write to 'show' us character, don't 'tell' us info.

Your script is heavy on exposition.
Example:
He seat down on the table and open his poetry book. And eat
his bitter food with said face alone. From there he realized
how grateful he is and he is thinking of writing poem about
how he never meet his father. He finished reading and he is
going back to work. He take out his dairy and jot down the
poem. Writing his first poem about

Firstly no need to repeat what should be: He sits at a table, opens his book... Table' is already written in your scene header so just start with: A solitary figure, Paul unwraps a sandwich, takes a bite. A sour look on his face he pushes it aside, opens a book titled: 'Songs Of Innocence', William Blake.

Minutes later:
Paul writes in his notepad, the words coming thick and fast. A smiles lights up his face.

When we're watching your film the character's emotions show us what he feels. We cannot possibly know all the info you've written here though - ' he realises he's grateful', ' if he never met his father' etc.

Your Old and Young Man voice overs are way too long for a screenplay too. You need to be sparse with V.O. They can add but shouldn't detract from what is essentially a movie not a novel -  primarily action, not the inner thoughts of your characters. Your characters need to 'do' and 'show'.

I see poetry is your background so obviously  it's a heavy influence for you but a screenplay is a very different format to write in.

You've got some work to do but SS is a great place to learn. Read scripts pro and amateur - look at the economy of style in screenplays and the present tense writing, read novels, hone up on your English grammar, and keep writing.

Hope these notes help and you take them in the spirit intended.