For My Brother's by Patrick Gillespie  - Drama, War, True Story - A young sailor must take extreme measures to save the lives of his fellow shipmates. 94 pages

contest: Finalist in the Military Script Showcase 2019 as "Sheean" - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi Patrick. Sorry again for the tardy review! I'm one for copious notes in my reviews so will just run a Pros and Cons thing. I liked your script but it does need a decent rewrite and I hope I can help with my comments. There were quite a few formatting and grammar errors but nothing that can't be fixed.

PROS: I like the vibe and larrikin feel you gave Teddy and the Aussie sailors. It felt authentic and represented how they would've spoken in real life.  Your use of military terms was great too - I was never overwhelmed by excessive descriptions, and even though some parts of the ship weren't familiar, I always got the gist of it. Your slugs were fine - sparse in detail which is good but I was never confused with locations either at sea or in the air.

CONS: Ok, the main issue was the use of full character names in the character tab. Not sure why you did this! I admit there was a large cast of people all of different ranks, etc. You don't need to refer to Pope, for example, as Cuthbert Pope. His rank and surname would've sufficed. Ditto with pretty much all of the chars except Teddy.
Perhaps you should read some war film scripts to get a feel of the formatting you should be using.

This script is meant to be about Teddy Sheean and his heroic actions onboard the Armidale - but it actually is more the story of the ship and her battles. I do like the early flashback just before Teddy's final moments. I really think the whole story should be structured like this. At the moment you have Teddy's death on page 60, right? Yet the next 35 pages are devoted to the survivors in the water after the Armidale goes down. Don't get me wrong, the story of their ordeal is interesting and you wrote it quite well. But the main focus is meant to be on Teddy. I understand however that his short life was defined by his incredible bravery so there is a need to pad it out a bit. Perhaps the title could be changed to reflect the story of the Armidale and her battles leading up to the sinking. Make Teddy prominent of course but not the main essence of the script? I dunno...the script title isn't the best so maybe after a rewrite you could change it.

I would restructure the story in this way: start off with the survivors in the raft. Or even with a Saving Private Ryan type opening where an old vet is reminiscing on say, Anzac Day years after the war. Then maybe show briefly the moments of the sinking with Teddy racing to the AA gun. You have that now basically, you just need to embellish it. Then show Teddy in Tassie, etc.  Maybe keep flitting between the raft and the events before the ship's sinking. Teddy's death needs to be the climax of it. It is spectacular and emotional so no need to 'Hollywood' it up. The script is the right length at 95 pages, it just needs to be set out differently I feel.

Perhaps you could even start the script in modern times, and people are looking at the painting of Teddy in the War Memorial in Canberra? Anyway, mate I hope my suggestions can help. Feel free to discuss any of them further or if you need a hand with the rewrite!

Thanks Stevie, love the feedback. I really like the idea of taking it from an old survivor In a pub on ANZAC day, or something like that, perhaps retelling the story to a young Navy sailor of today from the modern day HMAS Armidale. I do take your point on names etc. not a major fix as I use Final Draft software. I will mull over a new title as well as it does give me a narrow field to work with. A new title would give me more room to work with.
I do feel the number of characters is too many, I am stuck on this issue, who to cut.
This is a very Aussie story, I am tossing up keep it that way or make it more appealing to an international audience. Perhaps I am second guessing myself. This will give me a lot of work to do, and a lot think about.
Thanks again Stevie, really appreciate you taking the time to read and review my script.

No problem at all, Patrick. Again, I’m happy to read a new draft or discuss any new ideas for it. You have the basis here for a really good script. It just needs some structure to it. Cheers mate

No problem I might actually take you up on that offer. Cheers.