I really think Larry having that choice weighing on him would bring more clarity to the plot and character motivations. I also think have a clear consequence would be beneficial, too -- maybe they have a limit on tomatoes? And having people know it's the fountain of youth would make John and Ellen age rapidly because there'd be too many people stealing?

I gotcha with the ending, but there's no real setup for that outside of Brenda seeing Larry work out in his window. In no way did I think that she found him attractive in that scene. And Larry, himself, doesn't have any interactions with her or doesn't express previous interest in her. I think that ending would work if it had a stronger setup so the payoff hits better.

-- Michael

Dave,

Thanks for reading. I’ll answer in detail later, but just wanted to mention your suggestion on Larry’s cat almost made me tear up. Lol. I’m such a wuss.

Yep, I kinda balked at the cat's name too until I realised it's a Tom-Cat.  

I read either the beginning of this or the short awhile back. Happy to see you finished the feature!

Just one question. Why The Surge? Is it important to the story? Reason I'm asking is you can't hardly turn on the news these days without hearing about the surge, but not in a good way. It's either the surge in covid cases or the surge of migrants at the border. For that reason, I think there's a possibility it paints the wrong picture in a potential reader's mind before they even read the logline.

Steve,

General kinkiness gone horribly wrong.

I'm just not convinced that's your best choice of subplot.

Things may be out of order here, so bear with me:

Debra's revelation later (linking it with Larry's career slump) she being his then Editor? – I don’t think this is ideal. The big story that never was either needs reference in conversation more (not just top n tailing) or it needs turfing altogether. It's too dominating and it feels like two different scripts/stories to me. I guess you were doing a jump-in-big with the opening, but it doesnt sit right imh.

Turfing. I'm definitely gonna have to get into that.

I'm reading through it again, but if I were you I'd open with some embarrassing or funny or telling scene with Larry instead to set the scene that this is his story. Establish mid-life angst perhaps, something where he's clearly out of his element, out of his depth - considering also that you're so good at the comedic elements make this shine comedically from the start. Maybe the funny opening is also something inherently sad or bittersweet, maybe about Larry's best days being behind him.  Perhaps also capitalise on his naivety with all things 21st Century tech, and bachelorhood?

Yeah, that seems to be the consensus with the opening, eh?

I strongly suggest you match Larry’s 'morning glory' with this phone call from Ellen:
Sorry about the hour,
but I took you for an early riser.

Glad you caught the early riser reference!

Perhaps have Larry and Brenda actually make eye-contact in the opening, if you're going with the current ending – him rigorously exercising, slightly embarrassed to see her looking up at him, and/ or he smiles down at her, shrugs?

Yeah. Already decided to give Brenda some more screen time. I like that the script ends with that, so if I could make it more meaningful then I'm all in.

I don't think this fits at this point in the story. I get it's a crucial part of the story and the title but it appeared a bit thrown in there.
Even Ellen asks what made you think of that? It felt like it was author intervention. Its placement could be more touching and profound later – like when Ellen is in fact on the way out, perhaps used as a segue to her saying she wants to dance? Or quite a bit before that actually.

I'll think on moving that to later in the script.

Also, she says she's twenty-nine. He says she seems older and she says she gets that a lot. Okay, granted we suss by this time she is a whole lot older, but what Larry says is not exactly complimentary.  Maybe he adjusts his wording – that she seems like she's an old soul or wise beyond her years. ? I felt not only were you telegraphing the plot, but it also seems contradictory to her description. So far everything else points to her being perfect, a real beauty - physically.

Good call.

Also, it's not exactly flattering to be told the article being written for the paper is a fluff piece. Larry says this to Ellen, then later on Ellen says similar to Larry.

Another good call.

On that: Why is Ellen determined to all but tell Larry the secret ingredient that is in the tomatoes? It seems a bit weird, contrived for the story that she wants the secret out there. Imagine if word did get out. The whole world would be on their doorstep.

Yeah, I also feel that that is an issue. Looking back, it seems she wants to tell him, but maybe was sworn to secrecy by her brother or something. Again, another thig that could be clearer.

Interesting thing you do here, and I noticed it more than once.
You often leave off reaction shots (descriptions) and skip right to next scene.
Yes, as the audience we can conjure the appropriate reaction Garvey might have had ourselves, but you leave it up to us a bit too often imho. Your comedic writing of same might be funnier than what I might imagine.

You're right. I do it like that because I feel for me to write what the reaction is would be a little presumptuous, if not awkward. I will try it, just don't want to overdo it and lose the comedy of the moment.

I personally would milk more with the purchase of the car.

Maybe he orders it in Cherry Red (good symbolism there too) – maybe Amy's favourite colour when she was a kid. Perhaps some intrinsically feminine touches or extras that make this definitely a woman's car.  Larry still sees Amy as a kid except now she's all grown up. He's having trouble letting go. Maybe that following scene where he goes to deliver it is fraught with genuine embarrassment when it dawns on Amy exactly that it was intended as a wedding gift for her. Maybe (the newspaper business is not very lucrative) we see first the lengths Larry goes to, to get the money for the car, only for it to fall flat cause he can't  compete with George and his wealth. Perhaps the penny drops for Amy finally after the bird-dropping visual. Then Larry overcompensates and gushes over George's gift.

I think if I let Amy in on that it would create sympathy, even pity, for Larry, and I don't want him being pitied. Misunderstood, yes? Pitied, no.

George reads a bit like Steve Martin in Father of the Bride at the moment... In a good way.
I think you can mine more comedy out of these sequences.

George or Larry?

This (above)  really doesn't tally with Larry being told Ellen is like another younger version of Debra (which is said later by?) It only works if he says something like I was madly and utterly in love with your mother, and then something like – life just came between us, or we had creative differences etc.

Larry on his blue tooth.
(So Larry's not tech illiterate entirely?)

Funny, I never really meant to have Larry seem like he's dead set against technology. He just likes his micro cassette recorders.

I like that Debra calls Larry Lawrence and that whole mixed up phone call intercutting with Ellen calling and George butt-dialing. It's very nicely choreographed. Great job.

Thanks!

A water Park? Hmm, something different, I suppose. But he pikes out? More tomatoes would've fixed that! And made it comedy gold. Maybe make for of that more amusement/evolution of Larry's character? Him really living after all this time of a careful staid life, not the adventurous one he planned? Better late than never.

I'll think about that.

It doesn't really make sense that Ellen's now being cagey and self-deprecating, does it? She was trying to get him to look at the full story before, but now:
ELLEN
Larry, it’s a farm stand. You’re
not writing for Forbes.
ELLEN
You should’ve came with me, then.
Came?  (does Ellen speak a bit like a country hick with bad grammar?)

No. I see her as pretty literate.

How do the tomatoes work then? Because...
Ellen is youthful looking, but...

Again, something I expect you to know without being told. My bad. The tomatoes, from where I stand, were something Ellen started when she was way younger, thereby allowing her to ALWAYS keep her youthful sheen. Claire and Herb started taking them when they were much older, so there various ailments were healed, but the tomatoes don't de-age you.

Aquatic, I'm thinking blue, teal and green.

After Larry eats the tomato he's meant to have experienced a youthful surge – or invigorating moment (virility returned) which is meant to be quite noticeable with Brenda jogging past. I think that was a bit played down. I made a suggestion up top about this.

Noted

You definitely sail through Larry meeting Ellen to them consummating their relationship too fast imho.

Agreed.

Your comedic touches are great. Just make sure enough of them land in dialogue.

Example: George's description. Loved all that with the Speedos and the python and Larry's awkwardness with the hug - (it made me laugh) but your audience won't be reading that line along with watching the film.

You're telling me a filmmaker can't make a Speedo look like it's housing a python?Half serious, but I did it more for the effect. I just thought it was kinda funny, and after all, I am initially trying to appeal to the reader.

I'm left with questions re this elixer of youth.

Why doesn't Ellen keep her daily intake of tomatoes up? (Did I miss something?) The soil changing/alkalinity? There was no explanation in my mind as to why we went from it being a going concern with people-in-the know lining up from far and wide, to Ellen going with Larry to the wedding... And then collapsing? It's as if there's a big gap in the narrative or third Act here. Or maybe I missed something?

Well, I did make mention of Ellen noticing age lines in her mirror, and then her brother getting slightly older, falling down. Some were subtle, some not. Again, it's basically me not being a hundred percent clear as to why this is happening. The tomatoes are losing their power... But how and why?

Why does Ellen go ballistic in the supermarket?

I think at that point she knows her days are numbered, so yes, a to hell with it moment. To me, that is a key scene of Ellen's youthfulness and her aloofness.

Is it a 'to hell with it' moment?

Ellen runs toward him like Baby running to Johnny in the
Dirty Dancing finale.
Hmm. I got it, but I think that's a cheat. Describe it your way with your originality.
She jumps into his arms. He swings her in a circle.

Agreed. I just got on Dave's case for name dropping a movie moment in Baggage, too.

You know the sequence in 500 Days of Summer, after he gets laid and he's on top of the world? If you don't, watch it. It's the perfect fantasy sequence blended with animation and song and dance.
I feel like this with your supermarket scene. But the  jubliant 'got nothing to lose' choreographed sequence is too short and comes off as bad behaviour and vandalism instead. I'd personally go for it in a bigger way if the audience is in on why she behaves this way. I'm going to assume she knows she has nothing to lose, no-one can hurt her cause she knows her fate? If not, I'm confused again.

Nope. You got it.

The Hospital sequence/Antonio Banderas etc., almost lands for me but it's also a bit messy? Do you need the Felipe gross out scene? Don't worry, I'm not a fan of Bridesmaids either. Most people think bodily-fluid jokes are hilarious. I'm just not one of them.

I really didn't see that as a big gross out scene, nor was it really meant to be.Just, they felt they were going to be outed, so he just threw up on him.

Your character descriptions are spot-on, like I said. The only ones I balked at slightly were the brutish and not quite brutish Nurses. The rest are perfect and put me in a good mind for the comedic moments that ensue.

Noted.

Okay this bit too -

Larry sure did move on fast to Brenda without at least a time shift/segue in the scene header.

I'll probably have more on my re-read, if you want it?

I didn't go into typos etc., mainly cause there aren't many, and you wanted more in terms of story.
Very nice, Steve. Just add more to it I think.

Thanks for your insight, Libby. Quality stuff. Don't bother re-reading it as it's clear I'll have to rework this a bit, but thanks for the offer. You're the best.

PAGE 33-34:



Nice subtext, great dialogue.

Also, good unexpected cut to a water park of all places. Quirky.

PAGE 36:

How did he recognize Herb and his wife as the tomato thieves? When he saw them stealing, he thought they were kids? Maybe I missed something... I do like the little twist though.
He saw them from a distance. Will need to clarify that.
PAGE 38-39:

Haha, funny scene (Herb and Claire setting up a three-way).

PAGE 55:



Hmm. Maybe I'm misunderstanding the stakes. But what happens if Larry writes this story about the farm stand being the fountain of youth. I understand it exposes a secret, but I don't see how this will destroy John and Ellen's livelihoods. John seems concerned, bu Ellen doesn't seem very concerned about it.
Again, the stakes need to be fleshed out definitely.
PAGE 59:

Larry gets knocked out with the butt of a rifle and the next scene is him at the grocery store getting Ibuprofen. Felt like an odd transition, him being knocked out. The natural transition would be him waking up.
Totally understand that. Will try and blend in the transition better.
PAGE 60 - 63:

Hmm. I don't understand this scene, why Ellen's trashing the grocery store.
It's like an I don't give a fuck moment. That part where she realizes her fate, say fuck it. On further drafts this will be clearer.
PAGE 76-84:

This whole escape from the hospital feels a bit messy and not very interesting. It's nice that George is helping Larry out, but it feels... odd. Like it doesn't fit. Feels rushed.
Feels rushed or it just doesn't work??
PAGE 85:



As I'm reading, I'm not sure what is happening here. Is Larry pointing the rifle at John, to put him out of his misery? Or is it the other way around?
More clarity needed perhaps. John's pointing the rifle at Larry.
OVERALL:

This started out pretty good, but I felt like the second and third acts were rushed and disjointed.

The whole senator story with the prostitute and the knife, the reveal that Debra was there... it didn't feel like it belonged in this story at all. I'm not even sure how it fits outside of being somewhat of a bookend. I'm not sure how the reveal sums up the whole story... and the theme seemed to escape me. What IS the theme exactly? I thought it was a statement on getting older given the premise, but I didn't really see that as a clear theme.
The theme is the most important element here. It was supposed to have been -man denies his fate, then accepts it. So I guess acceptance is the theme, although I understand completely why it's hard to see. It needs fleshing out.

And why exactly are Ellen and John suddenly aging at a rapid rate? What happened to the tomatoes? Maybe I missed something.
The tomatoes were just supposed to "lose their power." Basically, their time is up. However, I didn't do a very good job explaining that
The story, overall, doesn't seem very focused, especially later in the script. I felt like this was rushed and there was a lot of filler -- the fight in Larry's front yard w/ the Mormons didn't add anything to the story. It was kinda funny, but it didn't really serve much of a purpose. Then George helping Larry get Ellen out of the hospital felt sudden to me, didn't understand why George would leave his wedding to do that. It just didn't feel natural.
I think George leaving the wedding is a good arc for George. And Larry, in that it makes Larry understand that George is not such a bad guy after all. He has his redeeming quality.

As a whole, I think that's the script's main issue -- especially the 2nd and 3rd acts, it didn't flow well or feel natural at all for me. A lot of the scenes felt forced in there, the developments felt forced and rushed and it threw off the rhythm for me. Ellen and John aging felt sudden -- and I still don't know why they were aging rapidly, maybe I missed something. I know John says that someone has been messing with the soil -- but WHO was messing around with the soil? Again, maybe I missed something. And the ending wasn't very satisfying w/ Brenda, who only appears in one line of description at the beginning -- getting asked out by Larry. When we see her at the beginning, she's just seeing Larry exercise in his window. He never has any interactions with her. And after that little scene, she disappears for the rest of the script.

I really like the premise -- it was like Cocoon meets Forever Young meets Safety Not Guaranteed. But the tone was all over the place, mainly because of that senator subplot. And story-wise, it felt like there were missing scenes.
Of all the movies mentioned, Cocoon was definitely one that came to mnd writing this. As well as About Schmidt.

I'd probably get rid of the senator subplot, just doesn't fit, at least IMO. The scenes don't fit the tone of the rest of this. And I'd work on expanding the 2nd and 3rd acts a bit. There's pieces here but at this moment but there are pieces missing, I feel like.
Losing the senator seems almost universal. Noted.

Overall, it's nice work, writing's good as always, but I really do think it needs a lot of work yet.

-- Michael

Okay, Steven – done.

I am not going to spend too much time commenting on scenes that I liked, just trust that there were many of them, and also the writing is really solid - Crisp and clean, spot-on character descriptions, quickly paced and all that good stuff.

I had problems with the story itself. On a macro level, I think you threw the kitchen sink at a story that should be far simpler. You have a great premise – a farm discovered, pretty much off the grid, where there are life-renewing tomatoes by an aging journalist near the end of his career.  Now he has to assess does he investigate and publish the most explosive story he has ever run across, or instead, exploit the existence of these magical tomatoes to enhance his life/love as he enters the final stretch of his life.

Into that story you insert aliens, A Senatorial sex scandal, a madcap hospital escape,  a wedding on a yacht, an ex-wife with a mysterious past, etc. I wanted the simpler story.  It could just be my own personal taste – but it just seemed to be that you had a great concept that got a bit contorted with the bells and whistles.  I also see some logic issues that I’ll address as we go.

I thnk you make a good point here, and it wouldn't be the only script I've ever done that -- have good scenes, but dialed down on the personal intrigue, the character's story.

LOGIC PROBLEM – On page 2/3 you have a two-hour long line of people waiting to get the tomatoes from this farm. And I’m thinking - How secret can these tomatoes be if people are lining up for miles to buy them??? Wouldn’t all of these people be experiencing fountain of youth responses and wouldn’t this already be the most publicized thing on the planet?  It undermines the entire premise of Larry discovering something. i.e., how does one discover something this well-known?

Yeah, it's more a case of me telling the story without filling in the background. I thought I had such a vibrant story here, but I failed to round out the small details.

Nit issue – but:

Larry digs into a can of cat food. A runt of a cat, Tommy, rubs against his ankles.
Even cat names are CAPPED. BTW – I generally dislike human names for pets as it just adds confusion when they are referred to later – you got a runt here – name him PEEWEE, ACORN, TIDBIT – whatever – to me anything other than a human name (I know – it is my own idiotic peeve).  But the larger issue here is the cat becomes a so what.  But the larger issue is that why have the cat if you’re really not going to use him for the story (he kind of disappears). You could use it as a story device – Larry loves this cat – it’s old and feeble but has spent the last 13/14 years with him – He takes the cat with him on one of his trips to the farm to see Ellen – he can’t t bear to see the old fella die without him around so he takes the cat with him – Ellen feeds the cat some tomato – next thing you know it’s bounding around like a kitten. i.e., use the cat somehow is a device to link the tomatoes to vitality and the create a moment between Ellen and Larry (it is literally the save the cat moment).

I'll make mention of this again -- I absolutely love that as a scene that could be heartstring tugging, as well as maybe Larry's watershed moment where he becomes a believer in the power of these tomatoes. To me, Larry remained the doubting Thomas throughout, but it would probably be a better arc if he became a believer before his world comes crashing down. Wonderful call.

Page 19: LARRY Have you ever known tomatoes to increase your virility.

Is a suspicion that comes WAY too early in the story in my opinion.  He’s had a bite or two – the Tomato should not be a suspect yet nor should he even be concerned – he basically has had one day of vitality. This needs to be more of a rinse and repeat. More bites at the proverbial apple – except in this case it’s a tomato.

noted.

As I go on, I am getting a bit concerned about this being set in modern day – The war stories that Doug and Larry swap sound as if the heyday of their work was in the 1970s.  Also – everyone seems to be devoid of basic modern-day technology. Example - Larry concerned about tomatoes and vitality yet wouldn’t do a simple Google search on it???  I know you set him up as the non-digital type – but everyone in this script kind of screams 1980s to me. Not a cell phone in site. No computers. Laptops, text messages. etc. etc.

Not true about the cell phones -- Larry and his daughter are on one early in the script when she's at the wedding boutique. Larry in his car on the blue tooth. I just don't make much of it because it's a nit issue of mine that I don't like movies where texts are shown onscreen in separate boxes and such. I think it's cheesy.

Page 29 - LARRY Sometimes you need to take a leap of faith.

Struck me as really odd. Why in the world would he be encouraging her to move forward when up till now every fiber of his being doesn’t want this to happen??? This is really inconsistent with the storyline you have set up to this point.

Yeah, you guys all called me out on that one.

By page 30 – I am not feeling that the Ellen-Larry attraction is organic at all.  Certainly not as fast as it is developing. Part of the problem may be you dedicated so many of the early pages to Larry, Amy, George, Doug, etc,  that Ellen and Larry have not been together long enough to have these emotions. The relationship seems rushed. It feels that in the first act, it’s 20% Ellen – 80% other story elements when it ought to be the inverse.

Correct and noted.

I am on PAGE 54 now, and unless I have missed something – has he not eaten any more tomatoes?????? If I am wrong – ignore this note. If I am right – how is that he has discovered what he thinks might be magical tomatoes and has yet to take another bite?

Again, it's me not explaining the background. I wanted to portray Larry as not wanting to be the type of guy to alter his fate. The kind of guy who accepts what comes his way, no matter what. That's why Larry tries only a slice, but never more. In further drafts I'll flesh this out.

The I love you from Larry on page 62 seemed a little early in the relationship to me.  Not because of where it happens page count-wise – more because they really haven’t had that many romantic moments together.

I get that.

LOGIC PROBLEM:  JOHN thinks LARRY can mess with the alkalinity of the soil –  like somehow Larry could change the bio-chemical composition of an entire farmland in a nano-second. That didn’t make sense to me. I know that the soil losing it’s magical powers does – but John assuming Larry is the cause?? I think you would be much better here if there was some macro-level ticking time clock over this – i.e., John and Ellen already know that this is the last crop of magical tomatoes because (think of a reason) and this is their last season of that special life  - time to make decisions.  Ellen’s decision is Larry.

I never meant to have you believe John would actually think that, but because he's just so really against Larry he's willing to blame him for pretty much everything. Something said out of anger. And, again, I really, really like the idea of Ellen's decision being Larry. I just have to think of why the soil/tomatoes are losing their power. Also like the idea that Ellen and John know this is their last go-round. Good stuff.

LOGIC PROBLEM - ELLEN AT THE HOSPITAL – The Doc is concerned about getting her on dialysis but not concerned that a 29 year old is again a decade every few minutes. Didn’t make sense to me – when you go to the hospital there’s going to be questions – age – name – DOB – etc. The Docs need to be shocked about what they are seeing. I don’t think the Q&A between Larry and the Doc on page 75 addresses this sufficiently.

Noted.

Overall, to me – this should be a story about Larry and Ellen – the John angle is good because it provides great juxtaposition – i.e.,  as Larry is being judgmental about his daughter’s chosen mate, he doesn’t realize that he is in the exact situation with John (John being judgmental about Ellen’s chosen mate).  That would be interesting irony.   I don’t think you need the Senator at all (note – it was a riveting opening scene – loved it – it just doesn’t belong in this movie, IMO).  I don’t think you need the Doug wife’s dying (or even Doug for that matter).  I think you need Larry slowly falling in love with Ellen as he investigates this tomato thing.  I think she should end up not dying at the end but instead aging up to Larry’s age (60ish) – i.e., did he fall In love with her for looks/youth or – was it because who she was – the ultimate proof of that being does he love her as a 60 year old?

You know, I never did catch the irony of John and Larry both being judgmental about basically the same things. I just sort of wrote it that way. Now that my eyes are opened, I'll exploit that further. The whole idea of Ellen being attracted to Larry was that she really IS his age, if not much, much older. So when people say why the attraction, that's it, but I do realize there must be something else that really kind of makes it make more sense.

I know these notes are a bit scattered – hope they help in some way.

Immense help. From everyone who chimed in. Thank you!