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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  The Victor House Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: August 10th, 2021, 8:02am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Victor House by Robert Timsah - Drama - A distraught husband and wife fight over an ill-fated decision as they struggle to accept loss within the walls of an old Victorian. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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eldave1
Posted: August 10th, 2021, 5:47pm Report to Moderator
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Cool story, Robert. enjoyed it.

Several times you put the verb before the noun. Here is an example:


Quoted Text
At a sink stands MARIA VICTOR (30s), looking out a small
window.


To me, it always reads crisper when it is - noun - verb. i.e. The above would be:

MARIA VICTOR (30s), stands at a sink looking out a small
window.

I would also suggest giving us the complete POV setting when Maria first looks out. e.g., I would consider changing this:


Quoted Text
At a sink stands MARIA VICTOR (30s), looking out a small
window.

She watches SAMUEL VICTOR (30s) who sits in a swing.

She exits through the backdoor and into,

THE BACKYARD

She sits next to Samuel - the two swing slowly.
A small three swing set, nestled between two trees.
A third swing, stationary, they glance at.



To something like:

MARIA VICTOR (30s), stands at a sink looking out a small
window.

MARIA'S POV:

A pleasant backyard with a small three swing set nestled between two trees.

SAMUEL VICTOR (30s) sits in one of the swings. The other two are empty.

BACK TO SCENE

Maria exits through the backdoor and into --

THE BACKYARD

i.e., no reason not to provide the detail the three swing set the moment we/via Maria - see it.

Anyway - good story - I enjoyed it




My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Robert Timsah
Posted: August 11th, 2021, 12:05am Report to Moderator
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Story Is Structure

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Quoted from eldave1
Cool story, Robert. enjoyed it.

Several times you put the verb before the noun. Here is an example:



To me, it always reads crisper when it is - noun - verb. i.e. The above would be:

MARIA VICTOR (30s), stands at a sink looking out a small
window.

I would also suggest giving us the complete POV setting when Maria first looks out. e.g., I would consider changing this:



To something like:

MARIA VICTOR (30s), stands at a sink looking out a small
window.

MARIA'S POV:

A pleasant backyard with a small three swing set nestled between two trees.

SAMUEL VICTOR (30s) sits in one of the swings. The other two are empty.

BACK TO SCENE

Maria exits through the backdoor and into --

THE BACKYARD

i.e., no reason not to provide the detail the three swing set the moment we/via Maria - see it.

Anyway - good story - I enjoyed it



Thanks Dave for giving it a read. I like your suggestions. I don't use POV, well... ever, but can see (in this case) you're right. Closing question - was it clear who Emily is/was?


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eldave1
Posted: August 11th, 2021, 11:59am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Robert Timsah


Thanks Dave for giving it a read. I like your suggestions. I don't use POV, well... ever, but can see (in this case) you're right. Closing question - was it clear who Emily is/was?


Yeah - it was clear to me for sure.

If you don't like POV - maybe consider opening up with Samuel in the backyard - then go to Maria watching him.  Just a throught


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Robert Timsah
Posted: August 11th, 2021, 12:05pm Report to Moderator
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Story Is Structure

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Quoted from eldave1


Yeah - it was clear to me for sure.

If you don't like POV - maybe consider opening up with Samuel in the backyard - then go to Maria watching him.  Just a throught


Cool thanks.


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