EarthLife:  Most Basic Training by Brigid Donohue - Drama, Thought-provoking, Inspirational - When a desperate man accepts a mysterious stranger’s invitation to role play in a virtual universe, his alternate selves uncover beautiful truths about his identity and the very nature of reality. 116 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

This was quite spiritual and required a great deal of imagination to create. It had a moral and gave advice throughout. I loved the ending in that it followed the styles of The Wizard of Oz, A Christmas Carol and Time Bandits. This is in great company. It lives up to its logline in that it is indeed thought provoking.

There are a couple of format problems, at least in my opinion.

Parentheticals in dialog need to be on their own line and not squeezed in the middle of speaking lines.
For example, near the bottom of page 12 we have:

LATIQUA SHANTAY
(whispers loudly) I don't know what
I'm supposed to be doing here.

Should be:
LATIQUA SHANTAY
(whispers loudly)
I don't know what I'm supposed to be
doing here.


Also, some of your parentheticals are way too long. When confronted with this, the first thing I do is see if the parenthetical is actually necessary.  Sometimes the situation is obvious and the parenthetical is not needed. Then I see if the parenthetical can be re-worded to shrink it down.

If I can’t get it down to a couple of words, I pull it out as action text. As an example:

LANA
(whining) How much longer?

LATIQUA SHANTAY
(doubtfully surveys herself and the
situation but then shakes it off)
Uh, just a few more minutes, Honey.

Should be:
LANA
(whining)
How much longer?

Latiqua doubtfully surveys herself and the situation, but then shakes it off.

LATIQUA SHANTAY
Uh, just a few more minutes, Honey.

On page 24, you have a phone call that you don’t quite format properly. Instead of explaining that we hear the other side of the phone call, you should put (V.O.) next to the character’s name. That tells us that the character is heard but not seen.

On the bottom of page 29, you have another phone call. In this one, you have a back-and-forth in the conversation.

You need to do this by first establishing the location of one character in a scene heading which you do. We’re still in the office when the phone rings and Latiqua answers it. When it is Marla’s turn to talk, we need another scene heading. The camera is now someplace else looking at Marla. You need to describe where she is. You don’t need to describe that it’s “LATER THAT MORNING” but you do need to tell us that it’s INT or EXT and where we are.

Now, when it is Latiqua’s turn to talk, you use the slug line INTERCUT PHONE CALL or something like that. That tells us that we are going between the two locations with the phone call.

At least, that’s how I do it. There are few acceptable ways to do this. If you do a quick search, you might find a style or wording that you like better.

For many of the characters, you introduce them as "any gender" or "any age". I understand why you do this but I find it unnecessary and distracting. If it's important to tell us that it's unimportant, it would be better to leave it out of the description. Otherwise, it would be less distracting to give us an age or a gender.

On page 26 you have an interesting situation I could not look up, but I’ll make a suggestion, anyway. Lana is voicing a conversation between two figurines.

First, I would introduce both figurines with names and descriptions like any other character. It makes it easier to follow. Then, as Lana acts it out, I would call it out as parentheticals. I would put these parentheticals on the same lines as LANA (as apposed to the line below). If anybody else tells you otherwise, or if you find advice on this someplace else, I yield to their expertise. Otherwise, I give you this example:

You have:
Lana now looks tense and angry as she play acts with the figurines.

LANA
(as one of the girls in the group,
in a snide voice) What's wrong with
you, Crybaby Nina? (as Nina, in a
hurt voice, crying) I thought you
were my friends. Why are you being
so mean to me?

I would write it as:
Lana now looks tense and angry as she play-acts with the figurines. One of the figurines is NELLY, who speaks with a snide voice. Another is NINA, who speaks in a hurt voice and cries.

LANA (AS NELLY)
What's wrong with you, Crybaby Nina?

LANA (AS NINA)
I thought you were my friends. Why are
you being so mean to me?

This would explain the situation more clearly and reads faster.

These are the suggestions that stood out to me as specific. Other, more general suggestions would be to break up your action text into blocks no longer than four lines. This makes it easier on the eyes. Also, I would give this a lot of going over to see what could be reduced or removed, or how to word situations in ways that can be described with fewer words.

For example, on page 90, you have in the middle of a huge block of action text:

Audience sees the tattoo on the back of their shoulder, but Lee-Doa is careful to keep it turned away from Ara-Lee.

I would write it as:

The tattoo is visible but kept hidden from Ara-Lee.

I loved your poster art. It pulled me in to read this. I’m glad that I did.
I hope my advice helps with the writing of your thought-provoking story.

Dear D.A., Heartfelt thanks for reading the script and for your incredibly helpful comments and suggestions!  Excited to incorporate your advice.  I so appreciate your time and expertise and may PM you to ask you another question or two if that would be ok.  Much gratitude and my very best to you!

Wow Michael, you got a hit on a 2022 script. Well done!

And welcome to SS, Brigid.

Thank you, LC!

A revised script has just been posted - thanks, Don!
Thank you again--so much--for sharing your time and expertise, D.A./Michael!
: ) Brigid

Thank you for your thank you! I’m sorry I didn’t see your reply to my comments and I’m glad you incorporated them. You are now on my “Must Read” list. I enjoyed reading this again. I was in a pretty foul mood when I started thanks to rush-hour traffic. I’m not any more, thanks to this.

Feel free to PM me with any questions. I am going to return to checking for messages regularly.

I do have a couple of additional comments:

In Fred’s second dialog on page 1, he talks about having cancer 9 months ago. When speaking numbers in dialog, it is clearer to write it out as nine months and not 9 months. In action text, either is appropriate but sometimes reads faster as the number.

Using your characters as an example:

              FRED
Where am I?

He sees an address on a mailbox. It reads: 449 MANVILLE ROAD.

          FRED (Cont’d)
Oh, I’m at four-forty-nine Manville Road.
I’m almost there!

On page 93, after Lonnie jokes about forgetting how to aim, Lee-Doa answers with, “Haha, I know what you mean.” Laughing like this can come across as a little awkward. If she is literally saying. “Haha”, then that’s fine. It works best if she is being sarcastic. If she is genuinely laughing or chuckling, it is better to either put that in as an action line before she speaks, or to put it in a parenthetical.

I usually put it in as an action line to make it more descriptive or purposeful. A parenthetical works better if the conversation needs to seem fast paced to the reader (or if I’m lazy). For example:

          LONNIE
     … I don’t know how to aim anymore.

Lee-Doa smiles and releases a short chuckle.

          LEE-DOA
     I know what you mean…

Meanwhile, in an alternative EarthLife game called Simpson’sLife:

          BART
I don’t know how to aim anymore.

     HOMER
  (shouting)
Shut up and shoot!

Bart shoots his father in the face.

          NELSON
       (pointing at Homer)
     Ha-ha!

          BART
       (laughs)
     Need a Band-Aid Dad?

One more thing: There is a typo on page 26. The parenthetical where Lana speaks as Nina, there is an extra close parenthesis as in: (hurt, crying) ).

And yet another thing... Your graphic is quite impressive. Did you do the graphic yourself?

Glad you liked the rewrite - thanks to you and your excellent advice!  I appreciate your additional suggestions, too.  And I'm really happy it lifted your spirits. : )
Love SimpsonsLife lol - Think we might have a sequel on our hands here....
Re: the poster art - I made it with Canva or one of those online graphics sites.  
Big THANKS!
Brigid