Every Time It Snows by Kathy Cranford - Drama - A young nurse and an engineer, both army veterans, meet unexpectedly years after their military service has ended.  A widow and a divorcee, a disturbing discovery by one of them threatens their budding relationship in this holiday-themed family drama. 85 pages - pdf format

New writer interested in feedback on this work, please be nice

Welcome to SS, Kathy. I was going to reply to your script posted the other day but got waylaid, so thought I'd crack this one open.

Love the title btw.

A few tips for you,

First off, edit your title page to include your email address so potential filmmakers are able to contact you.

Take out the colon next to 'Written by' and align so the title and author are centred. At the moment it looks slightly askew.

Add the copyright symbol (c) and the year, and this:

All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.

If this script has never seen the light of day before and you've recently edited it, I'd personally write it as (c) 2022.
Backdating it to when you maybe started it is not necessary, and it looking years old might prejudice some people's appeal in reading it.

You're making a few rookie mistakes which we all make when starting out.
While story is key, Industry Standard Formatting is important when starting out.

Characters are only capped on first introduction. You have some odd continuing capitalisations in spots. You also have some weird spacing gaps.

There are also some overly lengthy passages in dialogue too which can be pared back.
Try to keep your action/ description passages to three to four lines maximum. You want things tight, and for the reader's eye to be travelling down the page. Your job is to evoke as much visually in the most economical way you can.

Your opening should read:

FADE IN:

EXT. ST. LUKE'S HOSPITAL - DAYBREAK
(let your software add the space between the Fade and the scene heading)

Then:
EXT. ST. LUKE'S HOSPITAL - GARDEN - DAYBREAK

DAWN or MORNING might suffice for Daybreak however.

You need to edit your opening passages which should be easy. For example there's no need to include St Luke's Hospital, Texas, when it 's already in the scene header. Same thing with mentioning predawn when the time of day is also listed in your header.

As we look closer we see - This is not needed.
Neither is PAN UP or DOWN or ANGLE ON. Camera Directions are generally not needed in Spec Scripts. That's not to say you can't use them but when starting out it's best to keep things simple and streamlined. This includes avoiding using transitions as well, like CUT TO.

So, you open on a shot of the hospital, then the garden attached to the hospital, then the entrance doors to the hospital. All exterior shots. Just clearly delineate them.

When you describe the hospital garden shrouded with fog and lit with Christmas lights it would be a good idea to introduce Sister Angela as part of that action. By that I mean you can start purely with Krista's V.O. but then have Angela emerge from the garden while we're hearing the rest of the voice over.

So her description would come at the point we first physically see her.

Formatting of this:
KRISTA’S VOICE
(voice over)

Should be -

     KRISTA (V.O.)
I don't know if you believe in
Christmas miracles...

You could split the voice over in two. We hear  Krista's voice to begin with, then maybe at this point, below, we see Angela emerge from the garden:

Because
this year I received my own
Christmas miracle in the most
unexpected way and from someone I
hardly knew. Maybe I had been
praying all along and never
recognized it, but I know I will
always be grateful and always
remember it....every time it snows.

Hmm, I'll admit though to getting a bit confused. I thought given it was Krista's voice over she was going to emerge from the garden but it was Angela. You need to reference some connection here between the two, otherwise their relationship is a bit obscure. Least that's how I found it to be. Reading on is this primarily Krista's story or Angela's?


always
remember it....every time it snows.
Be consistent with ellipses which are three dots only.

EXT. ST. LUKE’S (CONT’D)

CONT'D doesn't belong next to a slugline. time of day should be inserted there.

Regardless of that, remove your MORE's and dialogue CONT'Ds in your software, except where they go over onto the next page.

It makes for a cleaner more streamlined read.

Same thing here:
INT. ST. LUKE’S HOSPITAL - DAY. A BUSY MEDICAL FLOOR.
Nurses, Orderlies and Aides and others bustle (around like bees in a hive) like a beehive.
The hospital is coming alive with morning activity.

Your 'busy medical floor' description does not belong in the slug line.
Your scene header (slugline) should contain only INT or EXT. LOCATION, TIME of DAY.

Likewise here:
CLOSE ON ELEVATOR DOORS. THEY OPEN.
Keep your descriptions below the scene header.

It should probably be:
HOSPITAL ELEVATOR (a Mini Slug)

Then I'd suggest something like:

The doors glide open
SISTER ANGELA steps quietly out into
the chaos of the ward. She strides to the
Nurses’ desk.

And, as you've already introduced Sister Angela you don't need to keep capitalising her name.

Also:
We once again see
is not needed.

Parantheticals:
(To the Receptionist)
Lower case -
(to the Receptionist)

And here:
RECEPTIONIST
(Rising from her seat)
(rising from her seat)

Oh yes! Sister Angela! They told
us you’d be coming today.

Delete the gap between the wrylie/parenthetical and the dialogue.
Also, the Receptionist has dialogue, so her age and a short description would be in order here.
Go easy on exclamation points too.

She extends her hand and takes SISTER ANGELA’S. She
continues to shake her hand, while still smiling and staring
questioningly. She obviously continues to shake too long.
She too is taken aback that THIS is SISTER ANGELA.

Four lines to effectively say the same thing is too full on and not necessary imho.

Suggestion:
She extends her hand to Sister Angela, shakes her hand vigorously/enthusiastically.

Be careful with asides (some add colour and have their place) but I'm not convinced you 'telling us" she too is taken aback is necessary. The action and her reaction should suffice. Likewise with Donna later 'admonishing' - not needed, the actions that follow speak volumes.

ANGLE ON DOORWAY BEHIND NURSES’ DESK
Angle on is not necessary. Just write what we see.
Perhaps NUM is written on the door?

You don't need to 'tell us' this:
She is obviously in charge.
Trust your reader more. Everyone quickly going back to work does that for us.

Sister Angela....we’re so glad
you’re here.

You're in the habit of using ellipses when a comma will suffice.
Have a read through this thread:
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-screenwrite/m-1395018709/s-0/

Here's my take on them:
En dashes ( – ) and em dashes ( — ), have slightly different uses. And, they shouldn't be confused with hyphens which are used to join words and to separate syllables of a single word

The em dash ( — ) or double en dash is used primarily when a thought is interrupted by another character butting in, or by a sound i.e., bang on the door etc. Technically an em dash is a wider line and more like the length of two dashes but most screenwriting software doesn't enable it, hence why you see so many scripts with two en dashes put together.

If you're a pedant, em dashes can actually be formatted in Final Draft but you need to enable it in every separate screenplay. Send me a PM if you really want to know how.

An ellipses is altogether different in purpose. It is used when a character's speech trails off. A lot of writers over use the ellipses, and a lot of writers use them incorrectly i.e., when they should be using an em dash.

Your screenplay will look cleaner if you get em' right, but the key is in being consistent with either/or.


Further into your script you're continuing to do weird things with your scene headings like having INT on a completely separate line.

Scenes of also appears to be habit/preamble you've adopted when describing things:

EXT. HOUSTON INTERCONTINENTAL AIRPORT - DAY

Scenes of a major airport at Christmas time. People hurrying
to catch flights, to retrieve luggage. Lines at the TSA. Too
many people. CLOSE on one of them.

Keep it simple: Give us a sub-heading, for example a Departure Lounge, or Arrivals, or a Gate, and then describe long queues, frazzled faces etc. Then amongst those faces, GARRETT GRUBER, 30s, wrestling a suitcase from...

If it's Christmas, show us by describing decorations hanging from the ceiling, or perhaps airport attendants wearing Santa hats.

This below becomes a different shot and so a different paragraph, if not a different location.

LUGGAGE CAROUSEL would be your MINI SLUG here, followed by your description. You don't need the luggage carousel repeated there either cause it's already in your scene header.

An early 30s young man, (you don't need to add young man if you're giving his age)
tall, exceptionally good looking, getting more frazzled by
the moment as he waits at the luggage carousel. This is
GARRETT GRUBER. He selects a bag off the conveyor and a LARGE
WOMAN immediately wrestles it away from him with an angry
look. (glare might be stronger than look).He holds up both hands in surrender and returns to
searching for his bag.

Finally, he has it! He’s off to find
his car and get out of this place. As he walks, we detect a
slight hitch (limp maybe?) in his pace,as if he had a bad knee possibly,
barely noticeable, but there.


This above, is way too long. I split it into suggested paragraphs. Start a new paragraph for every new shot you're looking at in your mind's eye.

And beware of taking short-cuts. avoid writing things like: 'he's off to find his car' or similar cause in that particular scene all we'll see is him walking off. Him getting in his car would be an entirely new scene.

Just write what we would see.

Okay, that'll probably do from me. You're doing pretty good with atmosphere and your writing shows flair, it's just getting a few basics down.

Any questions feel free to ask.

Oh, and take the blank pages out of your script in the next edit.
Hope this helps.

LC, I am so humbled that you took the time to read my script and give this level of feedback. I agree with so many of your suggestions and will take each to heart as I make revisions. It is of such importance to have insight such as yours and it is much appreciated. Thank you again for your time and expertise. “When” this is produced, I will insist on your name being credited as “advisor” 😊 Sending my best to you….Kathy

My pleasure, Kathy.

I was thinking about your use of CONT'D in the slugline and it occurred to me you might be mixing that up with CONTINUOUS, sometimes written in a scene header.

Here it's explained:

https://nofilmschool.com/When-to-use-Continuous-script
https://www.masterclass.com/articles/continuous-screenplay

Continuous action has no break in time which is crucial to remember.

P.S. I hope you'll join us in an upcoming OWC (one week challenge). We usually have a Halloween themed one in October, and we need more more writers of the female persuasion.  

My software (Final Draft) places the “cont’d” automatically if there is a new page started in the middle of a character’s dialogue. I’ve tried to delete it but it puts it back in. Frustrating.

Quoted from kcranford My software (Final Draft) places the “cont’d” automatically if there is a new page started in the middle of a character’s dialogue. I’ve tried to delete it but it puts it back in. Frustrating.

Launch Final Draft. On top menu click 'Document', then select 'Mores and Continueds'

The pop-up window will give you options to check or uncheck 'mores and continueds' for dialog and/or scene breaks...

TY so much for that tip!  Not sure why I couldn’t figure that out but so glad for your input. No more “cont’d” on every page. Yay!

Yep, what Rick said.
Uncheck for dialogue only though, as you need the others where you go over to a new page.
This is not compulsory btw, it just looks cleaner.
...
I was talking about your opening page scene header, following Krista's V.O. however, prior to

Out of this mist walks Angela.
Not a big deal, it seems to be an isolated thing.

Quoted from kcranford TY so much for that tip!  Not sure why I couldn’t figure that out but so glad for your input. No more “cont’d” on every page. Yay!

No worries, glad it helped.

Quoted from LC Uncheck for dialogue only though, as you need the others where you go over to a new page. This is not compulsory btw, it just looks cleaner.

I have ‘Automatic Character Continueds’ unchecked under ‘Dialog Breaks’ and all unchecked under ‘Scene Breaks’ else the way it rearranges the page drives me insane.

You can change it from CONT’D to something else if you want as well, so if you’re writing a mafia movie you can put ‘SO THEN I SAY’S’ for the continued, or not, lol.

Quoted from Gum You can change it from CONT’D to something else if you want as well, so if you’re writing a mafia movie you can put ‘SO THEN I SAY’S’ for the continued, or not, lol.

Wow, you learn something new everyday. I had no idea you could do that.

P.S. Don't listen to Rick for this particular script, Kathy.  

Quoted from LC Wow, you learn something new everyday. I had no idea you could do that. P.S. Don't listen to Rick for this particular script, Kathy.

The only thing it can't/won't do is write a good script for me; it keeps spitting out pisstakes, lol.

... and yes, ignore my bad advice, err... lest you are in fact writing a pisstake

Quoted from LC My pleasure, Kathy. I was thinking about your use of CONT'D in the slugline and it occurred to me you might be mixing that up with CONTINUOUS, sometimes written in a scene header. Here it's explained: https://nofilmschool.com/When-to-use-Continuous-script https://www.masterclass.com/articles/continuous-screenplay Continuous action has no break in time which is crucial to remember. P.S. I hope you'll join us in an upcoming OWC (one week challenge). We usually have a Halloween themed one in October, and we need more more writers of the female persuasion.

I would love to be a part of the OWC!  I haven’t been given a subject to create a story from since 7th grade. Back then, the most grievous offense kids could commit in school was chewing gum, and the standard punishment was to write a 1,000 word theme. Most kids just got out the encyclopedia and copied information to fill the word count. Not me the budding writer of course. The one project that comes to mind was an assigned essay (meant to be a boring task) on “dental decay”. This created characters in my story teller’s mind such as the arch villain, Carlos Cavity and the handsome hero, Dr. Danny Dental-Floss. LOL. This story was long forgotten until I ran across it in my mother’s saved mementos after she passed away.  

I look forward to participating - thanks for the invite!

Kathy, you had me reaching for my kleenex box again a number of times. This story was not as tight and smooth of a reading as Christmas Joe but with all the suggestions you're getting i think you'll be able to polish it. I found a few things you might want to look at:

p. 4 a misspelling: envelopes should be envelops.

p.48 JOSEF (CONT’D) line where he says, "There can be no truth between you until you do." did you mean to use the word "trust"? Of course if you used "truth" for a reason it works, but as a reader it felt awkward to me.

p.62 Anna talking about Diana, "She was a lovely girl. Diana. But like his own mother, she could not get past the loss, not of all of him, but of even a part of him." Made me stop reading and i was trying to figure out who died (i had forgotten about Garrett losing his leg). There was alot of previous info thrown at me and it was hard to keep track of all the "losses". Reword or shorten for clarity.

p.70 You use the word "crashing" in both characters dialog, perhaps change Garretts to "tumbling" or something else as my mind noted the repeat while reading. I like the "crashing" in Krista's because you referenced a huge wave.

p.72 You told me how to feel, rather than showing me with the directions "The mood has lightened a little." and as a reader took me out of the scene. I'd suggest you take that out and possibly show Garrett look out the window and then say his lines.

Overall, another good story; just needs some polishing in a few places.

Yes, I’m the queen of the tear jerkers LOL. Thank you again for your time to read and give helpful advice on my scripts. I will definitely go back through and reconsider the areas you mentioned and fix the typos for sure. Your comments are very much appreciated.  

Trying out sample movie posters. Indulge me

https://i.postimg.cc/4xMrqFnf/2-D72-A219-664-B-40-CE-B89-D-CB951-EA9-B175.jpg