New draft is up, just a few minor changes.

Congratulations Anthony on getting this done. The Chocolatier is one of the best shorts Iï¿¿ve ever read, and I thought Pub Lunch was very entertaining and production ready.

This was a breezy though dialogue-heavy read. Pretty entertaining with a few laughs. You write working-class Brits extremely well, and I think you should concentrate on this. Make it your brand. SPOILERS AHEAD.

I was a little concerned about the first five pages as someone else mentioned. They seem tonally different from the rest of the script, and again, dialogue-heavy, as if theyï¿¿re forcing the setup on us. Very few movies jump in from the FADE IN with a long conversation. Iï¿¿d prefer that you show us who these people are rather than tell us? Maybe start at the houses of each of the principals ï¿¿ Trevor, David, Judith, perhaps even Frank if you consider him vital ï¿¿ and show us their personalities through how theyï¿¿re getting ready for the funeral.

I think you also need to explain some of the motivations behind certain behaviors. For example, we donï¿¿t really know who the deceased is until very late in the piece, and then we find out itï¿¿s a distant relative. Trevor doesnï¿¿t seem like the sort who would care what people think, so why bother himself with attending? And David is even more removed ï¿¿ he doesnï¿¿t know the deceased at all ï¿¿ so I question why heï¿¿s there. He doesnï¿¿t appear very close with Trevor so again, his attendance is questionable. Maybe have him drop a line that he needs to watch his father? And then drop another saying that Trevor is interested in seeing someone at the gathering for selfish purposes? Minor I know, however it gives us the ï¿¿whyï¿¿ of the piece.

Also Iï¿¿m not sure whose story this is? I donï¿¿t get a very keen sense of perspective ï¿¿ i.e., seeing it through someoneï¿¿s eyes. I thought it would be Davidï¿¿s story, however heï¿¿s not illuminated that much throughout this piece. Does he resent Trevor? Is he afraid heï¿¿s turning out just like him? Does he hate that he loves Trevor? Weï¿¿re presented with a morose, recently split-up young man whoï¿¿s bad with the ladies. Give us a bit more about him?

Same goes for Trevor. Heï¿¿s definitely the strongest character in the piece. However I donï¿¿t feel, again, that I know him well. You show us that heï¿¿s a drunken sod from age 19  - do we know why? You also show us that he had a bad marriage from day 1 ï¿¿ so why did he get married? Knowing that Jean was, say, pregnant with David already would help us a lot. So devil-may-care Trevor got trapped into a life he didnï¿¿t want, and now this is his moment of perspective.

Also as Eldave said I would work on shortening up the flashbacks. The annoying slow moving chess guy has been done many times, though I like where you eventually went with that scene. Iï¿¿m also not certain why Judith flashes back to the wedding day with Jean in the closet ï¿¿ is she trying to justify her dalliance with Trevor? If so give us some of that in their behavior and their expressions ï¿¿ allow your eventual actors to get inside these people. Also not sure I believe the setup for the affair ï¿¿ Judith comes in angry that Trevor has done her sister wrong, and then in the span of a few seconds convinces both of them that sheï¿¿s helping by coming on to Trevor. It turns on a dime without much setup. Also not sure you need the flashback to Sarah and her girlfriend getting ready as they are minor characters. Iï¿¿d prefer that you just set them up at the funeral with some dialogue between them.

Iï¿¿d also like to see some character descriptions, even a half sentence, so I can picture these people. At first I thought of Stephen Fry as Trevor, but then as we went on, he morphed into something undefinable for me. And for David, it could be as simple as ï¿¿slight and dourï¿¿, which puts him in our mindï¿¿s eye.

And for the flashbacks, you should describe the characters as ï¿¿Young Trevorï¿¿, ï¿¿Young Judithï¿¿, etc. Leaving the names the way they are tells the line producer that you expect the same actors to play both roles.

So again, great job on writing a very entertaining read. I think you have something with these characters if you give them some bottom, so to speak. And tonally Iï¿¿d try to decide whether youï¿¿d like to do an Arsenic and Old Lace breezy type of romp, or something more sardonic, as I feel you might have been going for.

Hey Anthony how's it going?

Thanks for the read buddy. I've got some good advice on this now and I will get round to do another rewrite soon hopefully. This has been a strange script for me. It's based on a short I wrote years ago, then became a series and then finally a feature, which is probably why it doesn't focus on one character (each episode was going to be about a different character and how they all came together at the funeral).
I intended this to be a TV drama rather than a movie too, if that makes any difference?

Thanks again for your thoughts.  How's Grand Avenue coming a long? I remember reading the script and seems a long while ago now.

Sure, it probably works as a TV drama. Congrats Anthony, I think this is an entertaining premise and it's well written.

Hey mate,

Read up to page 33, but going to hit the hey. If I didn't have to get up at dumps, I would finish now.

My thoughts so far are all positive. I'm a fan of this type of story. Before Sunset is one of my favorite scripts and this has a similair feel. (So far.)

Although, as Dave pointed out,  the pacing COULD BE faster, but I see  the style you're going for. And as history has proven, slow paced movies do work. Trasition to screen would be generous for this with great acting and long takes.

Will be back soon to finish.

Thanks for checking this out, hope you manage to finish lol

Quoted from alffy Thanks for checking this out, hope you manage to finish lol

I will definitely finish. I just wanted to make sure you were still active.

Now I know you are, I'll get into stat

I'm still about but not as much as I was lol.  Thanks in advance.

Finished.

Probably my favorite unproduced script.

Loved the characters. Loved the affairs. Loved the dialogue. Loved the ending. This is my kinda story.

Cheers bud, I loved writing this but I knew it wouldn't be for everyone but if one person liked it I'd be happy, so I'm happy lol.