Life, Death, Lager and Lies by Anthony Hudson - Dramedy - A family funeral brings up memories that some didn't know, and others would rather forget.  92 pages

production: I see this as a TV movie or an Independent production. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Title: Would the simple alliteration of Life, Lager and Lies be better? I'm sure you've considered it, but it rolls off the tongue nicely.

Dialogue is expert, comes across in my mind as Irish people, don't know why.


I feel you need to get to some action a little quicker at the start. Even if it's just cutting away from the two to take in some of the other characters or activities. I started to feel a little claustrophic glued to Trevor and David.

The beat at the top of page 5 where they've just done the glasses thing seems like a good spot to start things moving.  


I'll take a longer look later. This looks like it has some potential.

Cheers for the feedback, bud.

I toyed with loads of titles, which is weird as I usually have a title before I even start the script.

I know it's a bit slow to get going but I hope you stick with it.  I really see this as TV drama rather than a film.

Had a chance to get through the first 30 pages.

Quoted Text EXT. CHURCH - DAY Small pockets of MOURNERS are gathered in the grounds.

Could be just me, but I want a little more on the setting – e.g., are we at a rural church, small country side, big city cathedral? – something that would set the environment.

PG 1: over weight – should be overweight

Quoted Text DAVID He won’t mind.

Took me a couple of secs to figure out that "he" was the dead guy. Maybe add a parenthetical.

DAVID
(points towards church)
He won’t mind.

I really like the voices of David and Trevor – think you nailed it.

This (page 3):

Quoted Text TREVOR That’s what they all say. Are you sure you’re alright? David looks to his dad. DAVID Yes, I’m fine, and what do you mean, that’s what they all say?

Started to make a funny nut sequence tedious – one too many are you alrights? (i.e., they  had that chat before).  I would just go with:

TREVOR
That’s what they all say.
DAVID
What do you mean?

This:

Quoted Text DAVID So was it old age then? TREVOR No, it was a heart attack. He didn’t help himself though, he was...shall we say, big boned.

Through me a bit. I assumed that David knew the dead man – why else would he be at the funeral. I know you have to get the he was fat thing in – but the exchange should be based on both of their knowledge that the dude was heavy.

The Christmas Flashback scene runs a bit long – I think you can trim it quite a bit.

Quoted Text VICAR Ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here today to morn the passing of a great man.. Morn or mourn?

By page 30, you have not gone back to the object of David's eye - busty Sarah. Way too long I think. There should be a couple of instances where he eyes her in the church or something. Same with Frank. He's introduced and then pretty much forgotten.

Overall, the writing is solid. Descriptions are crisp and clean and the dialogue is 100% natural and subtly funny (my favorite kind of humor). But the pace drags. By page 30 I am getting a sense of now reading similar scenes over and over. That may be the whole point, but it does slow the page turning down. I am flipping through them early on - really engaged but by 30 we've been at the funeral for 30 minutes and the service is no where near over. As a result, it started to drag a bit for me.

Overall, your writing is excellent. I do think the story needs a little more pace.

Hope these help.

Cheers for your comments, bud.  I hope you continue but understand if you don't.

This started as a short and then became a sitcom before finishing as a tele drama.  I know it's slow but that was kind of my point.  I'm not really sure how to speed it up? lol

It's definitely a slow burner...

Quoted from alffy Cheers for your comments, bud.  I hope you continue but understand if you don't. This started as a short and then became a sitcom before finishing as a tele drama.  I know it's slow but that was kind of my point.  I'm not really sure how to speed it up? lol It's definitely a slow burner...

I will get back to it - just swamped right now. I tend to like the slow burns.

Okay, Anthony: I have now finished. My observations for what they are worth:

Most of the dialogue is perfect. You have a great ear for how people really talk.

The structure of the story is interesting and clever. I very much like the one day event (funeral) serving as the catalyst to examine the entire lives of the characters.  Yes, it is a slow burn, but like I said, I enjoy those.

Most of the flashback scenes need to be trimmed. They are too long. Not just because they are flashbacks. But because I kept wanting to get back to David and Trevor and after awhile they became an obstacle in that regard. The points are over beaten in them. Get to the core purpose of the flashback and move us back to the action.  For example, the chess cheating thing could have been taken care of in have the time. I think all the flashbacks could be trimmed by at least one third. Don't get me wrong, they are all well written. But the meat and attention of the story is present day David and Trevor.

Speaking of flashbacks - I want to know what happened to that lottery ticket that the deceased held (did I miss something?)

The Trevor - Judith romance never seemed organic/natural is in most of the scenes (present and flashback) they seemed to have more animosity than attraction for each other. I would add a scene (flashback) where we see the passionate fire between the two - maybe when they were younger.

As I got towards the end of the story, it struck me as odd that there was never any discussion of the grandson (Thomas) between Trevor and David until the very very end. That didn't seem natural to me.

Also, at the end it sounded like David had not seen his son in six months (which now makes him a bit of a cad - loosing empathy.) - Did I just misread that? If not, he needs to be the type of chap that sees his son.

I would consider flipping the David - Sarah dynamic. i.e., have her be the one trying to get him, he's still not quite ready because of his love for the ex. If you have him having moved on (i.e., now on the prowl), then the reunification with his ex becomes less satisfying for the reader - i.e., we are not rooting for it.

I would have liked a little more in terms of exchanges between David and Trevor on whether or not an affair dooms a marriage. Maybe Trevor's wife did know about the affair, didn't forget it but got over it and somehow managed to keep the marriage together. Long winded way of saying there should be advice from Trevor to David that an infidelity does not mean it is over.

Quoted Text INT. DAVID & AMY’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY Amy sits on a plush comfy sofa, her eyes flick between a large wall mounted television showing a soap opera and Henry who plays with his toys that are strewn across the floor.

Who is Henry?

Just for for thought. For what it is worth I really dig your writing style and think this has a ton of potential.

This is great! I'm going to email my annotated notes but wanted to put something down here as well.

1) The title: I think it's great as is. It made me interested enough to click it. I was sold after reading just a page.
2) The formatting: Eldave1 is the expert at formatting. I noticed a couple things I might tweak but nothing major at all. Also some missing commas and stuff, but I noted what I saw in your email.
3) The writing: Stellar. Crisp, natural and FUNNY! I really liked this a lot. Don't have any complaints at all.
4) My biggest issue: This isn't even that big - I explain more in my annotated notes but there was one spot where I thought we were in the present but were still in the past.

It totally threw me for half a page until I figured it out (confusing because the scenes were both in a funeral setting and you didn't make a separate "name title" for the much younger version of the character. My impression is that you should because different actors would be needed).
5) The flashbacks: love the way you used them. There was only one (toward the end -- with the bartender) that I thought was too long -- but just great all in all.

Overall -- really great stuff.

I read it pretty much in one sitting and kept wanting to get back to it whenever something came up. This could ABSOLUTELY be a movie and an entertaining one, at that.

Whenever I see a great script I always have to ask. What inspired it and how long have you been working on it? This seems VERY polished to me.

Dave, thanks for the read and your thought.

The long flashbacks were what I was going for really.  Initially I intended to do this as a series with each episode focusing on different characters but still centering on David and Trevor.

i understand your point on Thomas. There's one line that suggests David sees him every Wednesday but I'll go back and make it more clear that he sees him regularly.

Good spot with Henry, I changed his name to Thomas but missed that one. lol

Thanks for the suggestions and I'm really glad you liked the dialogue, and felt it read natural. I think writing dialogue is probably my strongest point lol.

Cheers again, and if I can read anything of yours, let me know.

Cooper, cheers for the read and the notes you sent on the pdf.


Thanks for the praise.  To answer your question: I wrote a short script many years ago and always intended to extend it, and this is it.  The original was just about David and Trevor at the funeral, and added all the other characters to extend the story and (hopefully) tie their stories together.


I'm glad you thought this was 'polished' as it's pretty much a first draft.  Maybe I don't have too many more drafts to do then lol. One of my earlier features went through about 6 drafts and as I was trying to incorporate everyone's advice, though I think it turned out great. I guess I'm saying, everyone's advice is helpful, no matter how small it is.  That's what's great about this site.

Thanks again for your kind words, and even getting the humor, as it's very British lol.

Quoted from alffy Dave, thanks for the read and your thought. The long flashbacks were what I was going for really.  Initially I intended to do this as a series with each episode focusing on different characters but still centering on David and Trevor. i understand your point on Thomas. There's one line that suggests David sees him every Wednesday but I'll go back and make it more clear that he sees him regularly. Good spot with Henry, I changed his name to Thomas but missed that one. lol Thanks for the suggestions and I'm really glad you liked the dialogue, and felt it read natural. I think writing dialogue is probably my strongest point lol. Cheers again, and if I can read anything of yours, let me know.

You're welcome. Hope you get a few more reads on this one. It really is a different kind of script than the traditional - I learned stuff reading it.  

Quoted from eldave1 You're welcome. Hope you get a few more reads on this one. It really is a different kind of script than the traditional - I learned stuff reading it.

Thanks Dave, I like to challenge myself and differ from the norm.  I'd love more reads, as everyone does, but I'm not sure how popular dramedy scripts are? lol

Quoted from alffy Thanks Dave, I like to challenge myself and differ from the norm.  I'd love more reads, as everyone does, but I'm not sure how popular dramedy scripts are? lol

Sadly they are not - it is my favorite drama. "As Good as It Gets" is still one of my favs of all time.

Actually Dave, wold you agree this is actually a dramedy script? I wasn't even sure when I submitted lol. I nearly put it in comedy.

Quoted from alffy Actually Dave, wold you agree this is actually a dramedy script? I wasn't even sure when I submitted lol. I nearly put it in comedy.

I think it is close to dramedy. But either category fits

New draft is up, just a few minor changes.

Congratulations Anthony on getting this done. The Chocolatier is one of the best shorts Iï¿¿ve ever read, and I thought Pub Lunch was very entertaining and production ready.

This was a breezy though dialogue-heavy read. Pretty entertaining with a few laughs. You write working-class Brits extremely well, and I think you should concentrate on this. Make it your brand. SPOILERS AHEAD.

I was a little concerned about the first five pages as someone else mentioned. They seem tonally different from the rest of the script, and again, dialogue-heavy, as if theyï¿¿re forcing the setup on us. Very few movies jump in from the FADE IN with a long conversation. Iï¿¿d prefer that you show us who these people are rather than tell us? Maybe start at the houses of each of the principals ï¿¿ Trevor, David, Judith, perhaps even Frank if you consider him vital ï¿¿ and show us their personalities through how theyï¿¿re getting ready for the funeral.

I think you also need to explain some of the motivations behind certain behaviors. For example, we donï¿¿t really know who the deceased is until very late in the piece, and then we find out itï¿¿s a distant relative. Trevor doesnï¿¿t seem like the sort who would care what people think, so why bother himself with attending? And David is even more removed ï¿¿ he doesnï¿¿t know the deceased at all ï¿¿ so I question why heï¿¿s there. He doesnï¿¿t appear very close with Trevor so again, his attendance is questionable. Maybe have him drop a line that he needs to watch his father? And then drop another saying that Trevor is interested in seeing someone at the gathering for selfish purposes? Minor I know, however it gives us the ï¿¿whyï¿¿ of the piece.

Also Iï¿¿m not sure whose story this is? I donï¿¿t get a very keen sense of perspective ï¿¿ i.e., seeing it through someoneï¿¿s eyes. I thought it would be Davidï¿¿s story, however heï¿¿s not illuminated that much throughout this piece. Does he resent Trevor? Is he afraid heï¿¿s turning out just like him? Does he hate that he loves Trevor? Weï¿¿re presented with a morose, recently split-up young man whoï¿¿s bad with the ladies. Give us a bit more about him?

Same goes for Trevor. Heï¿¿s definitely the strongest character in the piece. However I donï¿¿t feel, again, that I know him well. You show us that heï¿¿s a drunken sod from age 19  - do we know why? You also show us that he had a bad marriage from day 1 ï¿¿ so why did he get married? Knowing that Jean was, say, pregnant with David already would help us a lot. So devil-may-care Trevor got trapped into a life he didnï¿¿t want, and now this is his moment of perspective.

Also as Eldave said I would work on shortening up the flashbacks. The annoying slow moving chess guy has been done many times, though I like where you eventually went with that scene. Iï¿¿m also not certain why Judith flashes back to the wedding day with Jean in the closet ï¿¿ is she trying to justify her dalliance with Trevor? If so give us some of that in their behavior and their expressions ï¿¿ allow your eventual actors to get inside these people. Also not sure I believe the setup for the affair ï¿¿ Judith comes in angry that Trevor has done her sister wrong, and then in the span of a few seconds convinces both of them that sheï¿¿s helping by coming on to Trevor. It turns on a dime without much setup. Also not sure you need the flashback to Sarah and her girlfriend getting ready as they are minor characters. Iï¿¿d prefer that you just set them up at the funeral with some dialogue between them.

Iï¿¿d also like to see some character descriptions, even a half sentence, so I can picture these people. At first I thought of Stephen Fry as Trevor, but then as we went on, he morphed into something undefinable for me. And for David, it could be as simple as ï¿¿slight and dourï¿¿, which puts him in our mindï¿¿s eye.

And for the flashbacks, you should describe the characters as ï¿¿Young Trevorï¿¿, ï¿¿Young Judithï¿¿, etc. Leaving the names the way they are tells the line producer that you expect the same actors to play both roles.

So again, great job on writing a very entertaining read. I think you have something with these characters if you give them some bottom, so to speak. And tonally Iï¿¿d try to decide whether youï¿¿d like to do an Arsenic and Old Lace breezy type of romp, or something more sardonic, as I feel you might have been going for.

Hey Anthony how's it going?

Thanks for the read buddy. I've got some good advice on this now and I will get round to do another rewrite soon hopefully. This has been a strange script for me. It's based on a short I wrote years ago, then became a series and then finally a feature, which is probably why it doesn't focus on one character (each episode was going to be about a different character and how they all came together at the funeral).
I intended this to be a TV drama rather than a movie too, if that makes any difference?

Thanks again for your thoughts.  How's Grand Avenue coming a long? I remember reading the script and seems a long while ago now.

Sure, it probably works as a TV drama. Congrats Anthony, I think this is an entertaining premise and it's well written.

Hey mate,

Read up to page 33, but going to hit the hey. If I didn't have to get up at dumps, I would finish now.

My thoughts so far are all positive. I'm a fan of this type of story. Before Sunset is one of my favorite scripts and this has a similair feel. (So far.)

Although, as Dave pointed out,  the pacing COULD BE faster, but I see  the style you're going for. And as history has proven, slow paced movies do work. Trasition to screen would be generous for this with great acting and long takes.

Will be back soon to finish.

Thanks for checking this out, hope you manage to finish lol

Quoted from alffy Thanks for checking this out, hope you manage to finish lol

I will definitely finish. I just wanted to make sure you were still active.

Now I know you are, I'll get into stat

I'm still about but not as much as I was lol.  Thanks in advance.

Finished.

Probably my favorite unproduced script.

Loved the characters. Loved the affairs. Loved the dialogue. Loved the ending. This is my kinda story.

Cheers bud, I loved writing this but I knew it wouldn't be for everyone but if one person liked it I'd be happy, so I'm happy lol.