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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Dramedy Scripts  ›  7 Days in La Suerte
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  Author    7 Days in La Suerte  (currently 233 views)
Don
Posted: July 27th, 2018, 3:33pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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7 Days in La Suerte by John Iannucci - Dramedy - A NY detective hides from his past by running a luncheonette in a small town near the Mexican border. When the bank is robbed (literally the building) he realizes his secluded oasis is not what he thought and is now faced withe the same type of choices that sent him into hiding in the first place. Once made, he awakes to find the first situation is still yoet tohappen. Armed with a new found sense of purpose his choices are now easy, including those as to his life style. 112 pages  - pdf format

contest: 2018 top 20% Nichols 2018; Finalist Austin Table Reads 2018

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  September 18th, 2018, 3:48pm
revised draft
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eldave1
Posted: July 27th, 2018, 5:53pm Report to Moderator
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John: had a chance to read ten. Overall, much improved from what I read earlier - has a nice cadence. Just a couple of nitty issues.

I like the names Buddy and Butch - but man, they're close - running a chance here that folks get the characters confused. i.e., a BUDDY and a JAKE an easier contrast for the reader.


Quoted Text
BUDDY JONES, late twenties, drives with BUTCH JONES, Early
thirties, his brother. Butch is deep in thought and obviously
upset.


Early - should be early.

Don't think you need to label him as the brother - pretty implied and if you get rid of it the sentence can read smoother (you won't need the Butch is). i.e.,

BUDDY JONES, late twenties, drives with BUTCH JONES, early
thirties, deep in thought and obviously upset.

Also, rather than telling is his mood - deep in thought- upset. Show us. Maybe -

BUDDY JONES, late twenties, drives with BUTCH JONES, early
thirties, jaw clenched tight as he stares out the window.

Don't think you need their entire names in the dialogue. i.e., rather than BUTCH JONES, I would just go with BUTCH.  Same with your other main characters.

Best of luck with this - hope you get some reads


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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OscarM
Posted: August 9th, 2018, 11:31am Report to Moderator
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Hi John,
First of all, congratulations on making the top 20% of the Nicholls! I hope it's the beginning of many great things for your career. I have the following feedback, I like to give it in a way that's similar to professional coverage. Please let me know if you have any comments or questions.

With its cast of characters from all walks of life, 7 Days in La Suerte has shades of the work of Martin McDonagh, The Coen Brothers and Guy Ritchie, even if it doesnít quite achieve the degree of character richness their films have. Thereís a good sense of humor that runs throughout the piece, although it often feels like it could be further explored. The writing style works very well, itís very clean and concise. The dialogue is distinctive to the characters.

The structure works for the most part, but it feels like the first act could work better in order to give the reader more of an entry point for the characters, more for them to connect with. Itís clear that Sam is a fish out of water in this town, but he doesnít really stand out as much of a character. The script seems to be more interested in the other characters instead of Sam and for large parts of the script, heís left languishing in their wake. His backstory is interesting enough for this to not be the case, but the script seems to depend too much on making this his defining trait instead of clearly defining him by action early on so we can go along on this ride with him. Also, unfortunately, the villains, especially the criminals come across as stock characters and stereotypes. The great crime movies often give us a look beyond those stereotypes but here they all behave and talk like predictable gangsters.

The script often feels as if itís going to detonate in strong conflicts and more explosive action, but it seems to stay away too much from pushing the characters and their conflicts to the limits. It often doesnít feel like it takes full advantage of its settings to do so.

Thereís potential to 7 Days in La Suerte; the premise is interesting, the settings and the situations lend themselves to good drama and humor, and the writer already has a strong ear for dialogue and a strong style. But more work could be done to push further the conflict and the characters for this to become a funnier and more enjoyable dramedy.

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JohnI
Posted: August 9th, 2018, 12:29pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks to both of you. Yeah, I got some professional coverage and am in a rewrite. Your points are well taken.
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OscarM
Posted: August 9th, 2018, 6:27pm Report to Moderator
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You're welcome, John! Good luck again!
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JohnI
Posted: September 2nd, 2018, 10:31am Report to Moderator
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Script was just rewritten and reposted
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