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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Dramedy Scripts  ›  Goon Squad
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Don
Posted: June 3rd, 2019, 12:12pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Goon Squad by Jeffrey Carroll - Dramedy - Tow operators are sent to New York to recover vehicles destroyed from Superstorm Sandy; their leader guides them through the chaos while dealing with his personal issues and hiding it from them. 113 pages - pdf format

New writer interested in feedback on this work


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Kevin_S
Posted: June 7th, 2019, 1:02am Report to Moderator
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This story has potential.  With that said I think you need to rewrite it quite a bit.  There is a lot of filler but no real meat in spots.  Same with the dialogue.  We all do it . Instead of moving the story forward they just end up talking. . Nothing wrong with tiny amounts if itís serves a specific purpose .  

Personally I would make Jeff divorced with a bitch for an ex wife .  Also it being tow truck drivers I would lean more towards comedy with dramatic overtones.  By that I mean have a couple dramatic scenes . For example, on a hook  they open a car door and find a family that drowned    trying to escape.

When Huck comes into the picture he says ďHeís never been to the city beforeĒ  was he referring to New York or a city period ? If he was talking about NYC I would have him say the Big Apple. Because if itís the latter heís from Nashville and itís a pretty big city.

I liked Huck. Maybe itís because Iím from Tn.  I will tell you TN tow operators drive around with a case of Vienna Sausages to eat on. Iíve needed 3 tows in my life and everyone AAA sent either had unopened cans or cans of them in the floor tossed there after being eaten.  My last tow the guy ate 2 cans and chugged half a 2 liter of Dr Pepper while towing me home.  The sodium is unreal in those things. One can is 2 servings. Iím willing to bet he is prolly dead or wishes he was lol.

When Huck meets Rafael .... he says he never met someone from Miami... Rafael tells Huck to come down and visit .  Huck replies he will ... Heís always wanted to visit the birthplace of 80s cocaine and the thong .  ( My attempt at being funny to show how dumb Huck can be)

Maybe you can capitalize when Vinny goes take a crap. Show him building his crapper  out  of bricks . He forgets the toilet paper and yells for Jeff to bring him a roll. They all walk over. Jeff starts laughing and removes a brick. He yells Jenga! They all start playing until it collapses on Vinny.

Instead Jeff bedding down that girl in a hotel I would make use of a tow truck if you know what I mean. Lol

Iím gonna stop here. If you like my feedback and itís the type you are looking for. I would be happy to discuss other things. If not I hope someone reads it and helps you out.

All the best!




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Kevin_S  -  June 7th, 2019, 1:42pm
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JeffreyC
Posted: June 8th, 2019, 3:18pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Kevin,
Good thing the ex cant see that comment LOL
I appreciate the input. I haven't done a script before so this was my first attempt.

The whole story is based on what happened. Not a day went by where someone didn't say "Man aint no one gonna believe this" or "This is straight out of a movie."

I had other input that wanted more drama like you mentioned. I have so much material, but so little pages. I even wondered if I could go a TV series route. We spent 3 months there and while we called everyday "Groundhog Day" there was some type of drama or comedy that took place. So it became episodic. Unfortunately we didn't come across any family living in their vehicle.

To answer your question about Huck. He was straight out of the woods, married by his wife's daddy and shotgun. So thats all I got out of him that night was "I aint even been in no city"
I can see why you would have some confusion. Since he wasn't really introduced yet, the reader prob don't have an idea. We called the company "West Nashville", so good points there!

Oh hell no I wasn't going in that construction site to witness what Vinny was doing haha. I know what you mean though. I turned my head on that one.

Thats were I am stuck now on redoing it. Do I lean away from fact and blow it up more... its prob hard because its my own personal story. That and I was trying to steer clear of the picture that was painted by reality towing shows ugh!

And yes we divorced LOL

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JeffreyC  -  June 8th, 2019, 4:12pm
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Kevin_S
Posted: June 8th, 2019, 6:00pm Report to Moderator
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Congrats on completing your first script!  If I knew this was based on a true story my feedback would have been geared another way.

Maybe put in your Logline . The true story about a tow operator that leads his  team thru the ups and downs of disaster relief after Superstorm Sandy.

Just because itís a true story donít mean you have to tell everything exactly verbatim. True stories are a tricky slope my friend. From a story and legal standpoint.

You said you had more material than pages so thatís a good thing. I wouldnít  worry with trying to make it TV show unless you mean a mini series .

Another thing, character dialogue is not real human speech. Itís trimmed to be crisp and to the point. Even when a character talks for a long time . Dialogue is hard . For me anyway .

The way the movie reads you wrote it for you. You have to write it for the people thatís going to watch it.  Iím a former firefighter, I can appreciate what you all do. From car wrecks thru to disasters.  Many times we have to rely on you guys to help us . Couple  times our life was in your hands when it was a heavy rescue and the airbags couldn't get the job done.  We had to trust their rigging skills.  Over the years Iíve seen tow operators get mangled from snapping cables , delayed airbags going off, flying tackle. Iíve seen you all risk your life to get the road back open so we all can get back home. Crawling under mangled tractor trailers with your wireless control boxes monitoring the load so it donít do something stupid.  I used to love watch when you and the troopers would get into it.  Especially when they keep walking up asking when you going to the interstate open. Most the time when you guys was pulling a lot of stress on the line we was behind the fire truck watching lol.

With all that said most of America sees the AAA tow truck driver . You come get their KIA and take it to the dealer . Thatís why I think you would be better off making it a inspired by true events.  You can mix and match to make it more interesting.

I gotta run but Iíll finish later tonight what I gotta say.  You can respond to any of this if you see it before I get back.

Talk soon!





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Kevin_S  -  June 9th, 2019, 1:44am
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Kevin_S
Posted: June 8th, 2019, 11:45pm Report to Moderator
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Iím Back lol

Have you heard the saying it donít have to be possible but plausible.  Take your tow truck shows you watch . How many times you seen something and say no way they do that. Youíre in the business so you catch it. Iím not , so unless itís just plain outside common sense I believe what my eyes see.  

Also have you ever considered writing a book about your experience in Super Storm Sandy? Some stories are better told in book form than on the silver screen.  Plus with the invention of On Demand publishing you can start earning money from it as soon as you get it written.  Then if enough copies sell, players in the movie industry MAY work a deal with you . Donít get me wrong selling books is hard . But itís easier than trying to convince someone  to spend their millions on you to make a movie.  Even a low budget one.

Plus a book gives you a tad more creative freedom.  Itís ultimately your call tho.   I commend you for wanting to tell your story.  It takes guts to put your own life out there for the world to see and judge.  

Just donít give up.  Maybe to help flesh out your story better , print off any pics you took . Post them on a wall.  Story board your journey.  Use post it notes to remember and keep track of memorable moments you want to share.  

For dialogue ... read a movie script from a well known movie you watched. Read the characters dialogue and record yourself saying it.  Play it back to hear yourself . Read your dialogue from your script and play it back.  You should notice a difference.  How a character speaks is a big part of their uniqueness.  

My kryptonite is dialogue and grammar.  When it comes to grammar my mind thinks itís doing advanced calculus. Lol

I hope all my rambling has helped. A lot of talented writers on this site.  Break the ice and pick their brain if they will let you.  Learn as much as you can. Because if the day comes and you get your shot;  You wanna be 1000 percent ready and knock it out the park.
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JeffreyC
Posted: June 10th, 2019, 9:34am Report to Moderator
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Thanks again, lots of things to decide.

I thought about the TV route because its three months of material. Thirty days a month, never a dull moment. So there is enough to run 3-4 seasons roughly.

All characters names were changed of course with one exception. Names of companies and some other things were tweaked to help keep legal issues to a minimum.

I have started a book version but some of the scenes just scream out to be seen on a screen.

My other thought was to cut some things to let me describe the action more. I was trying to keep this simple at first since I am not a pro writer.
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