Scapegoat - Guilty by Billy  James - Dramedy - A  drug addicted attorney; And dysfunctional father learns through a traumatic accident that the only way to save his daughter from becoming like himself, is to change his ways. 124 pages

Treatment - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Ahoy Billy J,

I had a weird déjà vu feeling as I was reading this -- no insult intended, I just mean I'm getting a familiar vibe, it reminds me of stuff *I've* reviewed before. Heck, maybe that *is* an insult! Is this suppose to be an updated draft?-ghostiegirl.

Sup ghostie girl yeah I originally wanted this as a series but figured it was too boring for a whole series, so I changed it into a feature it’s way too long I know that and I’d love some advice to cut it down at least 10 pages. I’ve just finished my second script and it’s way better than this one and a different genre. I’d really love your opinion on it and I can read any of your scripts just tell me the name and I’ll review it. Just reading grand avenue atm and writing a review today I could review yours tomorrow. Really would love some advice with this script. Thank you

Sure thing. One of us will get to it within the coming days. I promise. No return read is necessary.

Hey,

I got to page 6 of your script and I just wanted to let you know why I stopped because I did intend to read more (and still might). The problem is it’s very over written. When I got to page six I felt like the writing was really slowing things down. For example…

The little shit of a boy legs it in hyper speed mode. Jack,
with a disgruntled look upon his face gets up from his seat.
Making his way across the lively room, nobody notices him.
Leaning down to get the paper he looks across and gets a peak
at three girls looking across and giggling at him- he looks
away grasping the paper and returning to his seat. He bites
at his lip, his head facing forward, staring at a white wall.
All the time wishing he was anywhere else.

I feel like it took me longer to read that than for that to actually happen. You also have a few bits where you describe what a character is thinking. I usually don’t have a problem with the odd unfilmable but the word “thinking” shouldn’t be in your action lines.
There’s also some badly structured sentences to watch out for and some odd descriptions such as “LOGAN- a loud, ADHD filled classmate”. “ADHD filled” sounds strange.

6 pages in and it’s just your writing style that made me stop. Your dialogue is pretty good and I’m interested to know what happens and you have a good set up. I think if you went through and got rid of 50% of the action lines your story would come through more. Writing is articulating your story and I think your story is hidden under your over descriptive writing.

I’ll probably read more later but I just wanted to let you know why I stopped reading because fixing those problems is an easy rewrite.
PS
I’ve just seen the page count! Did you group all the action lines together to get the page count down?

I just had a peep to check out page count -  148 for a Spec?
The good news is you can edit this easily.

BillyJ, (as Sam noted) you gotta streamline your action lines.
One particular action line bottom page 3 goes over the page for a total eight lines. Try to keep them at four lines. Think in terms of shots when writing too, and break them up when the POV changes.

This five line description for example you can condense into two or three:

She turns, expecting Jack to acknowledge her like all the other kids but he's away with the fairy's. Lost in his writing. The kids start to quieten down apart from The sugar rushed Logan with his plane. Logan Makes the sound affects obnoxiously. It's all too much for her frustration.

Suggest something like: She turns to Jack, but he's away with the fairies.The rest of the class quieten down, expectant looks on their faces...Except Logan making whining noises with his toy airplane.  Miss Walton's face reddens. She snaps -

MISS WALTON
Logan, sit down!

Got rid of the wrylie there too. And no need for CAPS.

Get rid of the CAPS in action lines in general.

Go through and remove extraneous lines like this one:
Trying his best to survive, Jack shuffles forward. The trauma somewhat tamed.
Jack shuffles forward is enough.

Show us, don't tell. Unless we see her stubbing out the cigarette or a kid comments on her foul breath we can't know this below:

Her breath smells of the last cigarette she had
five minutes ago in the parking lot.

MISS WALTON
(Unheard over shouting kids)
Good morning! sorry I'm late my ex
showed up at my house last night
begging to get back with me. Anyway,
long story short I'm on the waiting
list for a restraining order. It was
was a late night with my new
boyfriend.

That wrylie above, not sure you need it. Do we hear this dialogue or not? It is intentionally or unintentionally funny, regardless, so I'd personally wait till she has the attention of the class and have her say it. It's funny cause it's entirely inappropriate for the kids.

BillyJ, there are also lots of uncapped beginnings of sentences too.

That's about all I have time for now. It needs a big edit but there's some very nice humour throughout and a lot of your dialogue is good.

P.S. You start with a dream sequence. How long does that go on?
And, I can't see ages for the kids. Did I miss it?

I'm really not fond of the title either. Maybe leave it at Scapegoat if you're fond of it. I don't know, that may just be me, see what the general consensus is.

Hi Billy

I see you new at screenwriting. That's fine... we all started out writing as horrible as you here have done (I say that sincerely). Trust me, my first script was much worst! Reading it now I want to slit my wrist.

Here on SS I learnt (Still learning) a lot from the hard (cruel to be kind) constructive criticism. Don't ever think that we been mean...

I'm going to second what Sam said... PS: I stopped on page 2 for the same reason.

First off the bat... Your PDF title reads; This is definitely the fucking one. Maybe wanna change that little "frustration" oops.

YOU WROTE:

                       INT- RETRO CLASSROOM- DAY

DREAM SEQUENCE:
1986 - in a small elementary class JACK FULTON- a quite and
sensitive son of an American Immigrant lawyer, sits at his
wooden desk writing. His back is hunched over, hiding his
work as secret. The class is playfully out of order with no
teacher present. LOGAN- a loud, ADHD filled classmate of
Jack's runs past with a toy plane stopping at his desk.

SOME POINTERS....

*  INT or EXT Must end with a dot ~ INT. CLASSROOM -   And Leave out RETRO, its not a location. And as you wrote 1986. We know its years ago "retro"

   * in a small elementary class. This threw me... the word elementary means BASIC, UNCOMPLICATED... May also be used to describe pre-school. Do I read small as in AREA SIZE or AMOUNT OF PEOPLE? Does SMALL need to be written... Is it relevant to the story?  

   * When you introduce a character (JACK FULTON) for the first time, you must describe him/her to us: JACK FULTON, 7, red curly hair, chubby, a quiet and sensitive kid. ~ You see here I wrote DESCRIPTION followed by his PERSONALITY. Later on JACK is an adult, here again you'll need to re-describe him as an ADULT FIGURE. LOGAN is also to be described.

   * ...LOGAN- a loud, ADHD filled classmate of.
I don't know what ADHD is? So... I cant make reference to why you stated Logan is LOUD? And or any of his actions along the way of this 148 pager. Don't write to sound intelligent... You may insult the reader in that he/she does not understand what ADHD stands for. Its always best to first write it out in full; Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. Now that the reader knows, you can then go with ADHD (more commonly known as just ADD)

   * ...ADHD filled
Leave out filled. We got that he has ADHD! We don't write CANCER filled or H.I.V filled.

   * LOGAN- a loud, ADHD filled classmate of
Jack's runs past with a toy plane stopping at his desk.

I read JACK'S the one RUNNING. and stopping at HIS OWN DESK... Yet its Logan.
I'd write as; Jack, toy plane in hand, he runs up to Logan's desk.  

I'd write your opening paragraph as:

INT. ELEMENTRY CLASSROOM - DAY

1986. The children are playful and out of order with no teacher present. Of the children is JACK FULTON, 7, red curly hair, skinny. A quiet and sensitive kid. He's a son of an American immigrant lawyer. Jack, at his desk writing, he's hunched over it - hiding his work as a secret.

LOGAN, 7, chubby. He has Attention Deficit Disorder (A.D.D). Toy plane in hand, he comes running up to Jack's desk...

                                           LOGAN
                                       (Loud voice)
                                   ...what you doing?

Hope this has helped? Further to, I have tons of "writing course" material, that I can send (PDF) you... if you wish? Send me a PM.

All the best






  

I read up to page 32. The problems that I mentioned above are consistent throughout so I won’t go on about them. LC gave some good advice which I would apply for the whole script. I found myself skimming the action lines and just reading the dialogue because otherwise it’s just too dense and slow.

The good news is that it’s a fairly simple fix that will improve the script enormously. Action lines are like jokes, you want to use the least amount of words possible. As mentioned above action lines are basically your shots. That’s why they shouldn’t be more than 4 lines because really they should just convey one point. I found that you tended to repeat points in your action lines. You’ll have one line describing it, which is great but then you’ll say the same thing in an overly complicated, descriptive and more often than not confusing way.

This is something I struggle with as well. I’m an awful writer who struggles with grammar, spelling and structuring. But I know this is my weakness so it’s something I take time over with my rewrites.

As for the story I can see why this is 142 pages. It feels more like a TV series because at times it feels a bit aimless. 32 pages in and I don’t feel like the story has started. It all feels a bit random. I couldn’t tell you what the story is about.

Reading your logline I think the problem might be that you’ve focused on the characters internal goal rather than their external goal. The external goal is the vehicle that drives the internal goal and so that’s why it might have felt a bit static. Because films are a visual medium they don’t work best when the story is confined to the characters emotion because we can’t see that. You can do that in a book but it doesn’t translate well for film. Maybe I’m wrong about this and the story just hasn’t kicked in yet but I would really think about the concept and plot points.
Your script also changes tone at certain points. In the beginning it feels very PG and almost like a children’s film (I actually liked this tone) but by page 16 it turns into an episode of the inbetweeners.  There’s no real swearing up till page 16 and it felt like a different film.

I hope this doesn’t discourage you. I think you’ve got a productive rewrite ahead of you and I’ll be happy to read a new draft. There are some really good parts as well. You use inter-cutting a couple of times and they’re written really well and I enjoyed them. The characters feel 3 dimensional and I think you make some interesting story choices like when the boy crushes the bird at the start.  My advice is to go through and fix the action lines. Clearly set out what the story is. I know it’s a bit of a cliché and not something us “artist” should entertain but I would recommend reading “save the cat” to help you with those plot points. Then go through and cut out the scenes that don’t go anywhere and the long conversations.

Don’t feel you have to listen to me though. I’m a nobody, a chump and a drain on society…

Hey Sam - yeah I know the page count is fucking insane and that's what I mean I know the action lines are so shit on this script. They're way too long your right and I guess I was writing it as a book almost and it is bland and boring.
I promise my second script is nothing as shit as this.
I just bought fade in but this old script I was using celtx on it and I hope when I buy a subscription back I can edit it on there. Thanks for saying my dialogue is good but there's still alot of trimming down and poetry to even do on that. Ok I'll cut it down and hopefully have a rewrite done in less than a month I hope you read it then because there's still bits that I don't like, or unsure of and I promise I'll read anything you want, just pm me. Thanks man.

Barry John -  yeah sorry about putting ADHD filled o wanted it to be funny but I do like your criticism. I will read what you send. Sorry I didn't see your stuff. Thankyou I will read yours next and everyone I know I come off stupid for writing like this I promise my second script isn't nearly this bad. I think I just wrote this because it was personal and I went about the wrong way writing it in the first place, I litterly sat down and started writing which turned out bad for the page count. Slug lines are so fucking hard for me that's why I bought the book but yeah nobody hold back this is all good for me.
I also have a question, for copyright do you guys actually use a service or do you write copyright? Is it even a big deal? On the UK the law is as soon as you write it it's copyright but I was thinking of using raindances services - (not that anyone would buy this piece of shit lol) but I mean for future reference? Thanks Barry I'll take that advice.

There's a lot of good in the script, BillyJ, so no need to keep saying it's bad. It's not. It just needs tightening up and a bit of focus. You have positive feedback on this thread too, so my advice is to stop apologising. We all take the positive comments with the negs, especially if you're starting out, and learn from it.

** P.S. Post your logline here if you want feedback on it:
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-logline/

Hey Sam I just read your second part and no I'm really listening to you, could I ask you to read the treatment and help me come up with a logline it's really difficult because it's character based and I don't even understand what the goal is,  Jack doesn't even know what the goal is until his daughter overdoses. Later on in the script there's this bit I hate where he goes from being a drug fueled guy to completely flipping in a montage and I need to space it out because it feels so cheasy.

I'll re read save the cat but could you please read the treatment and help me figure out the logline? I'll appreciate it immensely.

Hey LC what's up I just want to say to you aswell thankyou for the posive comments, I'll have it cut down in the next 2 weeks and then could you review it? Also LC do you copyright with a service everytime you make a script? Or just write copyright?

I'm glad you enjoyed the humour and I'll try to change it. Yeah my grammar is so bad I much prefer fade in to help me with that.

I was just asking about the copyright because I have my second script all ready to go but should I copyright it first? Or it doesn't matter and just get all your comments Frist than copyright it?

I write this as per Don's blurb, on all my scripts:
(c) 2020  This screenplay may not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.

You can elect to register your script with WGA, or the  U.S. Copyright office, or equivalent .
https://screenwriting.io/do-i-need-to-register-or-copyright-my-screenplay/

Just a coupla of comments FWIW. No offense intended. You've already gotten lots of good advice and one quib, not so much. The logline is indicative of a drama about serious subject matter. Not to say that there wouldn't be lighter moments in a drama, but tone is crucial, and the tone you set throughout much of the first act comes across as comedic.

Methinks the thing with Dramedy, is finding the right balance could be a real challenge.  

Also, I noticed you spend too much time trying to make whatever points you are making. Try to tighten up the scenes, or find a better way to make your points.

Having said all that, I read up to page 65. But I'm nice. Readers are the hell spawn of putrid corpses mating.

You set a very high bar for yourself in trying to execute a story like this well. My full review is coming. I just need to make some minor alterations. -A

Quoted from ghostiegirl Readers are the hell spawn of putrid corpses mating.

  

Sorry, that just caught my eye...

I just want to agree with my learned friend (above), BillyJ, that the tone of this, (well, at least the opening), reads as a family comedy. Okay, granted I'm not able to get right into this at the moment but I also thought (obviously incorrectly) that the main character was the young boy, Jack.

So, who is the protagonist of the piece?
I know you're set to write another draft of this so you might want to review your pacing and structure with regard to the attorney's daughter mentioned in your logline.
Is it the teacher? If it is, you need to make her more front and centre. She seemed secondary to Jack. If it's her...I don't even know.

Hey Billy, I was actually going to say it might be useful to look at the logline so you can have a clear idea of what the story is.
I'll have a look at this tonight and I'll get back to you.

Hey LC, I just thought the opening with the school was good to show some of Jack's upbringing, why he latches on to drugs because he felt out of place. His teacher was having an affair with Jack's dad whilst Jack's father's wife - Jack's mother was dying of cancer. It may seem comedic but it's not supposed to be, by the end of the school day he goes home and gets his dreams crushed by reality. Nearly kills his pet bird.

Then Jack wakes up at age 40 in 2019.

Jack's daughter is secondary to him, until she overdoses and that's when he learns. I know that's supposed to come by page 6 but that's the strange thing about this script, it is character based and I know that this will never sell to a production company if they just saw it from those rules.

I'm not nieve - my second script and every other one I do in the future I have followed the rules more closely and planned before aswell - my second script is 120 pages I'll post it on here next week.

Is there anyway you guys can help me make a logline? Thanks sam yeah I made the story first and then it was time to make the logline and I was like......... Oh shit what can I say? We know why he takes drugs, we know it affects his daughter no matter how much money he chucks at her life, she overdoses and maybe Jack needs to be closer, but I think he has grown closer by coming with hyer to get set up at university in UCLA.

Thanks for your comments though, really love you guys for reading this affectively

Ah, so this is the Attorney when he's a kid. Okedoke.

So, I just want to add, at the top of your script your header is:

INT- RETRO CLASSROOM- DAY
DREAM SEQUENCE:
1986 - in a small elementary class JACK FULTON

This is where things got confusing for me as a reader.

Is it a dream sequence? Based on what you've said it's Jack as a child.

So, I think you mean to do a Superimpose to a time in the past e.g. Jack as a child.

Example:
Using this as a model:
https://www.screenwriting.info.....20the%20next%20scene.

EXT. BEACH - DAY

Hundreds of young, perfect bodies of college age kids frolic on the sand and in
the warm water.

SUPERIMPOSE: Daytona Beach, Spring Break, 1966


INT. SCHOOL - CLASSROOM - DAY

A class of twenty KIDS is playfully out of control. JACK FULTON, 7, a shy introspective child, sits quietly amongst the rabble, head in a book, away with the fairies.

SUPERIMPOSE:  Location, ? Elementary School, 1986

Then do the same when you flash Forward to Jack in 2019.

I posted this earlier BillyJ, regarding logline help:
** P.S. Post your logline here if you want feedback on it:
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-logline/

The way I write a logline is to cover everything up until the middle of the story. So you need the context (The first part of your story), the inciting incident and the actual story (first part of act 2).
The way you’ve written your logline means I have no idea what I’m going to read. If we look at the film Thelma and Louise we could write the logline in two ways.

1.     Two women go on a journey that will change their lives forever. They will discover who they really are but will a patriarchal world accept their change?

2.     Girlfriends on a weekend camping trip put some distance between themselves and their ‘significant others’, only to be caught in a long-haul adventure when a return to their ordinary lives is no longer possible.

You can see that the first logline doesn’t build an image of the film in your head. It’s completely meaningless and it could be about anything. It could be set in a law firm or a circus… who knows?
But the second one (which I stole off the internet) gives you the context. You know its going to start off as two women going camping, you know they’re best friends and you know they have lives at home with a partner. We can assume it will change their lives forever and they’ll discover more about themselves because it’s obvious that this plot will have that affect on the characters.

As I haven’t read the entire script I’m going to use your story breakdown to try and extrapolate the story. I’m sure I’ve got this wrong and I’m not saying you should change the script accordingly I’m just trying to read between the lines and pick out what I think might be important. The break down doesn’t actually make sense to me and reads as a series of unrelated events.

From what I understood It’s a story, at it’s core about jack and his relationship with his father and daughter. Jack’s Father has high expectations for him which has lead to him being successful at a law firm but caused emotional anxiety which has caused him to show reckless behavior through drug use and poor social skills.
Although Jack resents his father he finds himself doing the same thing to his daughter which causes her to go down a similar road.

So that feels like the set up. Now we need an inciting incident that will force Jack to change and address the issues. You mention a court case but there aren’t any details as to what that is. I would assume this is linked to Jacks change. The film Liar Liar actually has a similar set up. His court case is about a woman lying to manipulate her family to get what she wants. That’s the whole theme of the film!
Everything in the script should be about Jack, his father and his daughter. I’m not a big fan of scripts that shows the characters as children. I think it’s a misnomer that this shows character development. The only thing that shows character development is the characters actions.

Going by my interpretation of your story then the thing you need to show in the first 10 pages is the relationship Jack has with his father and his daughter. You’ve got an interesting mirror of relationships. Jack knows how harmful his fathers style of parenting is but it’s all he knows and applies it too his daughter. Discipline yourself to the theme.

I’m not sure how useful or practical what I’ve written above is but I think the takeaway point is that after reading 2 loglines, a story breakdown and 30 pages of the script I still don’t know what the script is about.

I think the key word is “concept”. It’s the combination of all your ideas into one identifiable idea. I can’t recognize what the concept is. I know the series of events that happen in the script but I can’t mentally connect them into one ”thing”.

If you would find it useful I would be happy to read a more concise story breakdown. We’ve talked about your action lines but I do see your skill as a writer and your ability to have interesting ideas and characters. I just want to see them under one umbrella.

BillyJ, ok, let me try this again. Check your pm, also...

Um, my reviews are Helter Skelter.  Sometimes I give just some nuts-and-bolts comments and other times I go into greater detail.  Now I'm not going to do a complete CSI investigation into this, but...

I had the same issues most everyone else voiced. It seems to me you likely have a very clear picture in your mind about this story but there's a disconnect between that and what you're putting on the page. You may be leaving out things you think are obvious (but aren't to the cold reader), while adding things you believe are necessary when they're not.

Let me suggest that you don't underestimate the importance of this. It's a very important thing, whether the goal is physical or emotional. The characters goal is the driving force of your story. Without it, you're story will drag. Which it does...

After reading, a couple of things struck me. For one, it's definitely a little too prose-y here and there for my tastes and I can't stand all the use of  your asides, similes and metaphors (”She slyly grins like a bitch. A bitch grin hidden by cheap lipstick.” “Walton's outburst is like a cruel act. Logan sits, obeys like a puppy.” This one... "CLASS WATCHING LIKE A FLOCK OF SEAGULLS ON A FRENCH FRY.") are unnecessary; they don't add much.  

Look, it's not a crime in itself, it's ok to use things like similes in a script so long as they are clear, not overused, and apt.  Satisfying these criteria requires care, however, or you may find yourself in screenwriting purgatory.

Secondly, need to get in/out of scenes fast. You don't need to see folks coming into a scene or folks leaving. Cut to the chase. Along these lines, small talk, greeting slow down the read and make story less compelling. For example, you don't need nearly an entire page and a half(50 plus lines) of what Mrs Fortstone and Agatha can get across about Stephanie on p. 49...50...

Third, some of the choices you make puzzle me. But there's also something about the good spots that tells me you have skills. You just need to be more discerning and ask yourself at every turn, does this serve the story.  For example: Yes, I know they're best buds and work together. Yet, I have to wonder what his (Teddy’s) personal life got to do with anything. I mean, the story is about Jack.  Teddy’s a sidekick, don't let him overshadow Jack. Also,  it feels like I'm reading two different stories. My instincts are for you to throttle back.

Argh! I'm not too keen on the whole therapy session scene, with Jack and his doctor. It just feels a little too obvious and hammer on nail to me, nobody wants that. But i understand you need it. A couple of indirect lines. Less is more, in and out. Maybe...

This could be the backdrop for very compelling drama, IMO. What this is really about on a primal level is getting a second chance e.g. Redemption. Being better than you are, or have been.

From an emotional standpoint: we meet Jack as a boy. Children are always empathetic. So emotionally I was attached to Jack.  But then... flash-forward to 2019. Hard drugs, hard sex...neglecting his daughter, and so forth... we get it, he's a shit father.

Past that...I think the problem here is that you have resigned yourself to painting this guy in a certain light of depression and it's like you feel the need to not only show that at every opportunity. This might be intentional, it might not.

But the larger point is that your characterization is at odds with itself, here. I don't have a great sense of your lead, Jack, but to the extent that I do have a sense of him, he's not someone I'm particularly interested in getting to know better.  Given the log line, treatment, from here on in, from what you've shown me, this reader is just not seeing it -

Heck, there is not one scene with Jack and Stephanie until around p. 72. And there should be.  But what does he do? Blows her off, again. I wanted to see some fleshing out of their relationship.

Also, I think any father would be more apt to comfort his daughter in her time of need. For example when Stephanie learns of Stan's death.  In fact, Jack seems very comfortable showing no interest in her life.

I could care less if the protagonist is likeable. I care if he/she is relatable. Do I understand why the character is the way they are.  So after 100 plus pages I just don't particularly care to follow him. In laywoman's term...I personally think the keyword is "empathy." It's making the audience identify with the character's situation/struggle/plight. Context helps.  There is this tidbit... Jack's daddy issues but...

A self hating, middle aged attorney will go to any lengths to stop his daughter from turning out like he did. Yet the only way to save her is to change the way he is.

OK, but I’m not seeing it. Of course this is just my opinion, but what you need to be showing is Jack - struggling to get out of the trap he’s fallen into of mimicking bad parental behavior like his father was towards him. Fighting to own up to responsibilities would give him growth. A character arc. Of course, this would be a battle he constantly fights throughout the story, but somewhere, at some point, he accepts what he has to do - be a better father to Stephanie.  I mean, this is essentially the goal, right?  All I’m seeing is you focusing on all the negatives...

So...what makes him someone I want to root for? You don't get 100-110 minutes to make me root for this guy. You get 10...20 at most. I want to root for Jack.  Really.

Picture Stephanie on the high school basketball team, and her missed free throws cost them the game. So Jack makes her stay after, she’s already exhausted, shooting free throw after free throw until she can shoot a bunch in a row. If she misses one he makes her start all over. That’s devotion to his daughter.

I know, I know, a suck ass analogy, but... we're missing a scene like that here.

Disclaimer: Jack’s not despicable by any means. Just trying to reinforce a point.

Scarface, the guy is a drug addict, drug dealer, murderer, he's vile, lewd, profane. The list goes on and on providing reasons why nobody would ever want to be around this guy. However, we also see that he is family-oriented, cares deeply about his sister, provides for his mother without question, and when he gives you his word, you can take it to the bank. Those positive traits are stronger in Tony Montana than they are in most of the nicest characters ever put to screen! And it's because of those positive traits that allows us to see past the negative ones and root for him whether we like his character or not.

The irony in this thread. And in case that hasn't convinced you,

SAVE THE CAT
God rest his soul... I've always thought Mr Snyder was a little set in his ways, but he was right about one thing. Your protag should have SOMETHING that makes us root for them. That doesn't mean they need to be likeable. Actually contrary to what Snyder says they can be downright dislikable, but what they do need is an quality to empathize with that makes us content to follow their lives.

I think it's sort of like how Horoscopes can "capture" us in their web and make us think... that's so me. Methinks that's what we have to do with our characters. Make them unique to their story, but an everyman to the audience. Fun little trick. Easier said than done, I know.

In all fairness, I’ll admit I’m speaking with prejudice rather than fair judgement...so take it with a grain of salt or the whole shaker.

It's really difficult because it's character based and I don't even understand what the goal is,  Jack doesn't even know what the goal is until his daughter overdoses.

That's...uh...kind of an important step. It doesn't sound like to me you have a good grip on your character. The deeper you know your character, the easier it is to set up conflict. What makes him tick. What makes him annoyed. What scares, what drives, what... dig deeper into your character and quickly you'll get past this crossroad.

In my utterly, ignorant advice: I completely understand your urge to get going with what is obviously a passion project for you, rather than attempt a quick rewrite, take a step back from this one, work on something else, then come back to this one with fresh eyes, not stale ones...

Anywaz, just my incredibly wordy 2 pennies, for what they're worth. If I sound like I don't know what I'm talking about, there is a 50% chance of that being true. But I can't imagine I'm way off base. I hope some of that helps you.

Keep after it. Rome wasn't built in a day. Best of Irish luck!-A

Hey, anyone who had read it all how would you change the log line?

OK thankyou alll for commenting and I am learning from you all. Should I get rid of the part when Jacks a kid then? But I like how that relates the the lakehouse scene with the birds, I can't do it, but maybe I could get rid of the school bit?

I'm rewriting it right now and editing it, cutting it down and deleting alot of action words, making conversations less draggy and more to the point.

Hey shout out to all of you though, the fact youve all read this much into this and all helping me is really something. I hope your all good. Keep you posted and thanks ghostwriter for helping with the loglines I love them and see what you're saying how it needs to be more external, this is the first and last screenplay I write where it's this character oriented or rather start writing with so little planning. My second script I will post soon, cheers everyone.