SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 29th, 2024, 3:38am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Dramedy Scripts  ›  The Shipping Out
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 2 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    The Shipping Out  (currently 898 views)
Don
Posted: August 16th, 2020, 12:50pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
The Shipping Out by David C Lambertson - Dramedy - After a billionaire launches a cruise line dedicated to people facing a terminal illness, he discovers that he needs to take that last voyage with them. 117 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
eldave1
Posted: August 16th, 2020, 2:30pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6874
Posts Per Day
1.95
Hmm.

I wrote the first draft of this two years ago. Never posted it. Anyway - Did some clean-up on it recently and submitted it to PAGE and just found out it made the semi-finals. That was a pleasant and unexpected surprise.  Anyway - thought I would post it here.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 12
Yuvraj
Posted: August 16th, 2020, 2:32pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Why you wanna know?
Posts
779
Posts Per Day
0.50
Logline's nice. Will it a read for sure.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 2 - 12
eldave1
Posted: August 16th, 2020, 2:33pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6874
Posts Per Day
1.95

Quoted from Yuvraj
Logline's nice. Will it a read for sure.


Wow - thanks,mate


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 12
Warren
Posted: August 16th, 2020, 5:46pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

Location
Sydney, Australia
Posts
3897
Posts Per Day
1.36

Quoted from eldave1
Hmm.

submitted it to PAGE and just found out it made the semi-finals.


Congrats, Dave! That's awesome news, this seems to be your comp, surely not too much longer before you take the top prize.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 4 - 12
eldave1
Posted: August 16th, 2020, 5:47pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6874
Posts Per Day
1.95

Quoted from Warren


Congrats, Dave! That's awesome news, this seems to be your comp, surely not too much longer before you take the top prize.


Thanks. mate.

It must be - I had posted this one here before because I wasn't quite sure of it.. Kind of entered it thinking it would get blown out. Shows you what I know.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 12
LC
Posted: August 16th, 2020, 5:51pm Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
7582
Posts Per Day
1.34
Beaudy, Dave! Fingers crossed it goes all the way.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 6 - 12
eldave1
Posted: August 16th, 2020, 5:53pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6874
Posts Per Day
1.95

Quoted from LC
Beaudy, Dave! Fingers crossed it goes all the way.


Thanks!


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 12
Yuvraj
Posted: August 17th, 2020, 9:10am Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Why you wanna know?
Posts
779
Posts Per Day
0.50
Yo, Dave. What's up?

Gave it a read.

Might as well start by saying that the writing is amazing. As always. Easy to follow and read. Pages fly by. Although, just a few typos, which can be easily fixed with a simple revision of the script. Other than that, it's all good.  

The story's nice. Not complicated at all to re-read anything. Quite simple and fasted paced(I liked that aspect). And heart-warming too. I am afraid to say that there were no favorite characters for me in the story. I don't mean it negatively, it's just that all the characters had a neutral impression on me. No one stood out to me. Also, the concept was kinda cool with the pros and cons, obviously. But I dug it.

My comment will be short, since I don't read dramedies that much.

Hope it will be helpful to you. If not, let's hope some dramedy enthusiast jumps in.

And congrats for been a PAGE semi-finalist. Let's hope you take the grand prize.

(And yeah, a shameless request. Do give my script THE GASMAN, a read, if possible. You will find it weird. But you know, I'm weird. )  

Good luck.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 8 - 12
eldave1
Posted: August 17th, 2020, 5:40pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6874
Posts Per Day
1.95

Quoted from Yuvraj
Yo, Dave. What's up?

Gave it a read.

Might as well start by saying that the writing is amazing. As always. Easy to follow and read. Pages fly by. Although, just a few typos, which can be easily fixed with a simple revision of the script. Other than that, it's all good.  

The story's nice. Not complicated at all to re-read anything. Quite simple and fasted paced(I liked that aspect). And heart-warming too. I am afraid to say that there were no favorite characters for me in the story. I don't mean it negatively, it's just that all the characters had a neutral impression on me. No one stood out to me. Also, the concept was kinda cool with the pros and cons, obviously. But I dug it.

My comment will be short, since I don't read dramedies that much.

Hope it will be helpful to you. If not, let's hope some dramedy enthusiast jumps in.

And congrats for been a PAGE semi-finalist. Let's hope you take the grand prize.

(And yeah, a shameless request. Do give my script THE GASMAN, a read, if possible. You will find it weird. But you know, I'm weird. )  

Good luck.


Thanks

Where is GASMAN located?


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 12
Fais85
Posted: August 20th, 2020, 7:04am Report to Moderator
New



Location
India
Posts
190
Posts Per Day
0.10
Congratulations, Dave for making it to the semi-final. That's awesome!

I gave this one a read.

Well researched, Well written script. Loved it. There were plenty of moments where I laughed. Well defined characters. Loved Charley and Grace especially.

I have some feedback. I don't know how much use it will be for you. Ignore if not needed.

Pg. 27 - David and Gina at a SENIOR CENTER handing out flyers.
Would a COO of a multi-million dollar company do this? I am not sure.

Pg. 64 - An extra line of space.

Pg. 65 - After the band plays the instrumental, I felt that all the scenes up to Pg. 70 were dragging the narrative. Probably you can trim or get rid of them completely.

Pag. 70 - Salvador's death scene didn't leave that much impact on me. Probably because last I saw him on page 59.

It would have been more impactful if there was a scene where we see Salvador enjoying his life at fullest, saying Thank You to David and also telling David about Sophia that she is a nice girl... Something like that.

Then I will continue with the scene where Salvador dies.

Then instead of David going out to smoke, he still sits there with the body and there is a knock on the door. Sophia arrives with the medicines and sees David crying beside Salvador's motionless body. Then you can continue with the funeral scene. This, in my opinion, will create a more dramatic moment.

That's it.

Overall I enjoyed it very much. Wish you all the best for the finals.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 10 - 12
eldave1
Posted: August 20th, 2020, 10:49am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6874
Posts Per Day
1.95

Quoted from Fais85
Congratulations, Dave for making it to the semi-final. That's awesome!

I gave this one a read.

Well researched, Well written script. Loved it. There were plenty of moments where I laughed. Well defined characters. Loved Charley and Grace especially.

I have some feedback. I don't know how much use it will be for you. Ignore if not needed.

Pg. 27 - David and Gina at a SENIOR CENTER handing out flyers.
Would a COO of a multi-million dollar company do this? I am not sure.

Pg. 64 - An extra line of space.

Pg. 65 - After the band plays the instrumental, I felt that all the scenes up to Pg. 70 were dragging the narrative. Probably you can trim or get rid of them completely.

Pag. 70 - Salvador's death scene didn't leave that much impact on me. Probably because last I saw him on page 59.

It would have been more impactful if there was a scene where we see Salvador enjoying his life at fullest, saying Thank You to David and also telling David about Sophia that she is a nice girl... Something like that.

Then I will continue with the scene where Salvador dies.

Then instead of David going out to smoke, he still sits there with the body and there is a knock on the door. Sophia arrives with the medicines and sees David crying beside Salvador's motionless body. Then you can continue with the funeral scene. This, in my opinion, will create a more dramatic moment.

That's it.

Overall I enjoyed it very much. Wish you all the best for the finals.


Thanks for the read and notes, mate - greatly appreciated.


Quoted Text
Pg. 27 - David and Gina at a SENIOR CENTER handing out flyers.[/i]
Would a COO of a multi-million dollar company do this? I am not sure.


In most cases - no, In this case - yes. This is his passion project. Normal protocols are off.


Quoted Text
Pg. 64 - An extra line of space.


Thanks


Quoted Text
Pg. 65 - After the band plays the instrumental, I felt that all the scenes up to Pg. 70 were dragging the narrative. Probably you can trim or get rid of them completely.


I'll take a fresh look here - I am looking to trim about 10 pages so maybe this is the spot.


Quoted Text
Pag. 70 - Salvador's death scene didn't leave that much impact on me. Probably because last I saw him on page 59.

It would have been more impactful if there was a scene where we see Salvador enjoying his life at fullest, saying Thank You to David and also telling David about Sophia that she is a nice girl... Something like that.

etc....


Super note - dead bang on. Going to change this. I really like this suggestion.

Thanks again - glad you enjoyed it.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 11 - 12
Fais85
Posted: August 20th, 2020, 12:38pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
India
Posts
190
Posts Per Day
0.10

Quoted from eldave1

Thanks for the read and notes, mate - greatly appreciated.


My pleasure.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 12 - 12
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Dramedy Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006