SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 8:11pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Dramedy Scripts  ›  The Thing Called Life
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 2 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    The Thing Called Life  (currently 495 views)
Don
Posted: March 7th, 2021, 1:49pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
This Thing Called Life by Alicia McClendon - Dramedy - Following her beloved dog’s death, a depressed young woman who has lost her job and home, struggles to overcome suicidal thoughts and find a reason to live. 95 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  April 3rd, 2021, 7:52am
revised draft
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
SAC
Posted: March 8th, 2021, 8:51pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

Location
Upstate NY
Posts
3201
Posts Per Day
0.79
Alicia,

Hi. Saw this posted and figured I'd take a look, so I read the first thirty pages. First off, it's written pretty well. No glaring errors stand out, and it was easy to follow along with, which, IMO, is key. Clarity is king. However, for a dramedy, I'm not getting much of the comedy side here. It's mostly drama. But the main problem here is it's just not entertaining enough...

You have LeAnn, who's going through some tough times. Her beloved dog just died, she's lost her job, she's homeless, and on top of all that, she's slowly turning into an alcoholic. That's some pretty depressing shit. But, right there, you have four key opportunities to make this script more entertaining, or at least add in some comedic moments.

LeAnn's dog dies right at the start. I feel you could have waited a bit on that, kind of built up to it so when it happens, we (the reader) feel its impact even more. You could have shown her holding him, throwing him a frisbee, or some other activity, but you didn't.

LeAnn in the supermarket, when she mouths "shut up!" to the annoying kid. That's a comedic moment if I ever saw one, but here you play it down and it doesn't turn into much at all. In my opinion, that's an opportunity lost.

Do we see the struggle that LeAnn is going through when she's living in her car? Nope. Another lost opportunity.

You see what I'm getting at here? You have thirty pages where the story is just sort of floating along, with a lot happening, but none of it is really standing out at all.

Another point is this -- What is this story about? Your logline says that LeAnn is a writer, but we don't ever see her writing, not once, I don't think, in the first thirty pages. We see her vomiting a few times, but no writing. So, after this much reading, I'm asking myself what exactly is this story all about? what's at stake here? I don't know, and after 30 pages, we have to know that answer. You're too deep into the story already to not give us this key piece of information.

Anyway, I'll stop there, and I hope you do respond so I know you're around. If you'd like me to read the rest I'll gladly do it.

Hope this little bit helps.

Steve


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 1
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Dramedy Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006