Christmas in Robin Hills by Harry Deckard - Dramedy - An overworked businesswoman gets more than she bargains for when an unexpected Christmas assignment takes her to small-town America. 119 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hey all - excited to see this up after a long hiatus from screenwriting.

I wrote this as a bit of a writing exercise - basically, during the festive period my girlfriend was watching a lot of those cheesy seasonal Netflix movies so I challenged myself to write one.

Open to thoughts and reviews, happy to look at others' work. Will make some time to do that organically across the site.

Hey Goose, you might think about a script swap with Steve Clark.

I Want You for Christmas
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1613707299/

Christmasville
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1607532129/

Steve's done solid research on this genre of Hallmark type scripts, including the specialised formatting that goes along with them etc.

Just an idea. I have no idea how busy he is.

I'll take a look at your first ten and post some notes a bit later.

P.S. The big question is, did your GF read it and did she like it?

thanks, LC

I did actually skim through one of Steve's scripts a month or so back. Will take a further look it if I get time tomorrow - I think I should, cheers!

Hallmark isn't that well known in the UK where I'm from so I only grasped what it was when I was googling more into this so am not an expert with that.

And no she hasn't read it but I've told her about it.

Harry, I gave this a read up to about page 20.

I wonder if you can make Henrietta a little more sympathetic of a character from the outset though.

I get where you're coming from and where we'll be going with Henrietta's career at first being everything to her and her needing to stop and smell the roses (fall in love presumably) get her priorities right etc., but typically it would probably be the woman (in these types of films) left in the restaurant waiting, being second fiddle to the guy who is all wrong for her/a workaholic, she deserves better etc. Having said this I do like your approach with the role reversal. I do think however you are going to need to find a way to make her more likeable from the outset. Little things, perhaps she can't get a cab to the restaurant, slips over in the snow, maybe the client yells at her,
she's doing the work of two people - has deadlines she can't meet, desperately wants to get to George and not leave him waiting, but all these obstacles get in her way. Just my initial thoughts that she reads a bit cold..

Poor George.
But then he's obviously wealthy enough that he can afford to throw away and engagement ring.

I think I can see where Maggie will be used as Fairy Godmother, conscience, guider, the Christmas spirit - the element of magic? And you do well with Lionel - nice, if a little stereotypical meet-cute.

Imho: Formatting wise, your wrylies are not properly indented and you overuse them.
Your title page runs over to two pages. You can easily fix that.
Remove 'Second Draft', you don't need to include that and it can put people off.
Improve the formatting of your telephone conversations.
Cut out a whole heap of your CUT TOs and DISSOLVES. They actually bloat your script and I'd argue don't give an accurate page count and thus run-time.

From what I read so far, you have the Hallmark vibe definitely working spot on!
Good luck with this. If I had the time I'd read more... Hopefully later.

Hey thanks so much for reading - I'll take a look at some of your work which is handily linked in your sign-off!

I agree on Henrietta's like-ability - it was something I was thinking about when I last flicked through. I think this needs an extra scene that, like you say, shows her making more of an effort to get to the restaurant. I know not making a character likeable at the start is a mistake a lot of screenplays make.

I hadn't planned it as a role reversal, but can see what you mean - I think from what I've seen on Netflix these type of movies have moved that way anyway, though I'd imagine Hallmark is perhaps more 'traditional' in its approach.

I like the idea of her slipping in the snow and waiting for the cab, I'll work that in - keen to inject more comedy in this.

As for Maggie - she is intended to play that role. But upon reading back I'm worried she's a little underused throughout some of it.

Wrylies are parentheticals, right? If so, yes! I was fighting to get Final Draft to indent them how I wanted them (e.g more centrally under the name) and in the end just left them. I'll go and update that.

Agree on the overuse too - as an actor in a past life I must have a soft spot for them, but they make for lazy writing.

Also agree on the title page, but easy fix!

The CUT TOs and Dissolves etc were for my own benefit as I was visualising them in my head and how I'd see the movie progressing and working. I remember being told before on SS that it was best to remove all kinds of stage directions.

I can cut these out and just have scene headings in the next draft - hopefully won't rock the page count too much.

Only question for you if you get a sec - what would you advise to change up the formatting on the phone conversations?

Harry, as another rom-com enthusiast, I'll get right down to it:  I love this!  I love your characters, especially Maggie.  I could just "hear" that little twinkling sound every time she performed her Christmas magic.  I thought your story was well thought out and being a wine enthusiast also, that was just the cherry on top.  If I had to make one small criticism, and I hate to even call it that, it would be that you have the story set in Colorado USA, however the script contains numerous "very British" terms that may not make it through to American audiences i.e. no one has a "Mum" in Colorado and they have children or kids not "little nippers" LOL.  There were other sayings that I wasn't familiar with but assumed they were from the British vernacular.  Another positive take on this would be to think about having it set in Britain.  Two of my favorite movies are "Love Actually" and "Notting Hill", the settings and the language quirks are what made these two films (among others) a huge hit with American audiences.

I don't comment on format - I'm new and still working on that myself, so I will leave that to the experts here for their opinions.  Again, I enjoyed this a great deal.  Wishing you much luck in moving forward with it.  You have your first official "Christmas in Robin Hills" fan girl.  

Best,

Kathy

Great pickup from Kathy on the Brit stuff!
Hey Goose, it might be good if she's a Brit living in the U.S.? Might add a nice novel element to it all.

I don't think there's anything intrinsically wrong with your phone-call formatting, I think it just looked messy cause of your lack of indenting again in parentheticals (wrylies).

Final Draft should do the formatting of same automatically. What's up with that?

FYI: Different methods. Just throwing this in here.
https://www.scriptreaderpro.com/write-phone-conversation-screenplay/

Thanks, Kathy! So glad to hear you enjoyed it and that you got the Maggie character - I was slightly concerned if she would land with audiences or not.

Haha yes! I really wanted to include wine - I worked in the wine biz for nearly a decade, so it's my go-to when I think about 'writing what you know'. Although, controversially, the 2011 Zinfandel vintage stuff is fictional!

Ha! Yes I did wonder if there would be British terms lurking - it's funny, we grow up in the UK on a diet of US TV but you never know as much as you think.

I'd be open to setting it in England. I wanted to do in the USA because a) a lot of the films like this I was watching were set there and b) because of the size of the country. I wanted a big country so that, when Henrietta gets the assignment, she'll be sent far away - which is helpful in the climax when the flight gets cancelled. In the UK you'd simply jump on a train and you could be anywhere in 2 hours.

Really appreciate you reading it, will have a look at some of your work!

Quoted from LC Great pickup from Kathy on the Brit stuff! Hey Goose, it might be good if she's a Brit living in the U.S.? Might add a nice novel element to it all. I don't think there's anything intrinsically wrong with your phone-call formatting, I think it just looked messy cause of your lack of indenting again in parentheticals (wrylies). Final Draft should do the formatting of same automatically. What's up with that? FYI: Different methods. Just throwing this in here. https://www.scriptreaderpro.com/write-phone-conversation-screenplay/

Henrietta being British is a good idea. I guess, if this ever got anywhere near production, I could also look to get someone American to tidy up the terms.

I think it's user error with Final Draft or me being impatient - I tend to write dialogue best when I'm writing at a real pace. I'm going to do another draft in the coming days so I'll go back and fix things and also take out the stage directions.

Thanks for the link - I'll tidy the phone conversations up. A part of me thinks they're a bit repetitive anyway.

Quoted from the goose Thanks, Kathy! So glad to hear you enjoyed it and that you got the Maggie character - I was slightly concerned if she would land with audiences or not. Haha yes! I really wanted to include wine - I worked in the wine biz for nearly a decade, so it's my go-to when I think about 'writing what you know'. Although, controversially, the 2011 Zinfandel vintage stuff is fictional! Ha! Yes I did wonder if there would be British terms lurking - it's funny, we grow up in the UK on a diet of US TV but you never know as much as you think. I'd be open to setting it in England. I wanted to do in the USA because a) a lot of the films like this I was watching were set there and b) because of the size of the country. I wanted a big country so that, when Henrietta gets the assignment, she'll be sent far away - which is helpful in the climax when the flight gets cancelled. In the UK you'd simply jump on a train and you could be anywhere in 2 hours. Really appreciate you reading it, will have a look at some of your work!

My pleasure!  That's one of the great things about this site - you get good feedback and so many are happy to read your work.   Oh! I almost forgot to mention one of my favorite parts - when Lionel proved he was truly the man for Henrietta - that wallpaper was definitely aqua!  Reminds me of a relationship point Meg Ryan might have ruminated on in "When Harry Met Sally".  Really good  

So true! Let's hope it gets the success When Harry Met Sally did!

Hey Harry,

So I read the first act, up to page 25. Really like your writing style and it fits well, imo anyway, for this type of screenplay.

Quick note— 120 pages is very long for this. Most of these, the ones on Hallmark and other channels, top out at like 85 minutes or so, which should put your script at about 105 pages, giving a little excess because they like to have a touch more to choose from, then edit down from there till it fits.

A couple of things that struck me out of the gate, and I’ll mention only because your first act is so damn important when trying to sell these types of stories. I feel we need to start immediately on Henrietta in the cab. Show us who she is right away, what she’s all about. You did a great job of doing that, but you chose to show us her boyfriend first — also, I’m guessing we haven’t seen the last of him yet tho I could be wrong.

Basically this: you need to condense this so Henrietta is in Robin Hill and meets Lionel within the first ten pages. Now, I know you’re aiming at Netflix, but the reader (viewer) needs to see the interaction between your protagonist and her love interest like yesterday. That’s kinda how it goes. I had trouble with that at first, but found out it a basic necessity. Oh I’m sure there are exceptions to the rule, but not many. Anyway…

So, we have stakes — the wine store closing. We have our protagonist and love interest. Within your first act (usually 23-25 pages) we need to know all of this and exactly what they propose to do about it. A set up, and a solid one. One that’s going to tell us how all this is going to play out. All laid out for us in the first act.

Your writing is solid, and I can see Henrietta and Lionel being a reluctant team, a sort of mismatch, and that is a very good thing. Sets up the possibility of conflict right off the bat.

So, you’ve got a great start, but I feel it needs to be condensed by a lot. Also, Maggie is N interesting character, and not in the best way as adding a touch of fantasy to these scripts is not the best direction to go in. Don’t get me wrong, I kinda like Maggie and I can see her at some point not manipulating things and letting Henrietta come to the realization that this small town and Lionel is really what she wants in her heart. Maggie’s just giving her a little push. Anyway, these are notes I’ve gotten from producers before about adding fantasy — not advised. But hey, like I said, I’m sure there are some exceptions. Basically, fantasy was an element they used to use more like ten years ago or so. Things have changed, and it seems they change almost every year to keep up with the times.

Any questions so far?

Steve

Hey Steve - appreciate you taking the time to have a look.

Agree on the length - what I liked about this was, in the past I've struggled to finish screenplays and run out of steam, even ones I've been really keen on. But with this the pages just kept flowing - it's certainly longer than I expected and cutting is definitely necessary.

105 sounds like a good page length to aim for and I think I can easily get there.

Agree with starting in the cab - I know others have mentioned this too. What's interesting with the boyfriend is that he isn't actually in the story much else BUT I wanted the last scene to be a kind of reverse of the first scene. So, SPOILER alert, the end scene is Henrietta sitting in the restaurant waiting for Lionel to show up - both are happy, though he's a tad late due to NY traffic. I wanted to use a reversal like that to complete her character arc.

I'll condense - I think I can get it down for that to all happen within the first 10-12 pages. Can see that this is important for the narrative like you say.

Interesting one with Maggie. I'm actually tempted to create 2 drafts of this. One with Maggie, and one without. I really can't decide where I sit with the character - and I can see your point about fantasy being a little outdated for the genre. Although, I did see it in some of the Netflix films I'd watched.

I think it can work without - I just didn't know if that added a little bit of cosy Christmas 'anything can happen' magic.

Really appreciate your feedback. I'll start rewriting the intro this weekend and will get that nailed down.