Del Mar Strip Mall by Joseph J Caruso - Dramedy - A 28-year-old lawyer wants to change careers from a divorce lawyer to a defense attorney. His boss at his law firm requires him to learn the ropes by leaving his upscale environment in San Diego for one of the most dangerous cities in the United States. During his exile, he encounters great hardship and loses his girlfriend and almost his life. In the end, he has to make a decision that will change the entire course of his life. 148 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Dear Joseph,
SP's revolve around action - backed up by dialogue, hence the expression Show don't tell. This is largely tell. Scroll through the pages and view the white page (obscured by the irritating watermark) there's very few action lines and great blocks of dialogue. Ray's argument starting P27 goes verbosely on for five pages! When people are angry they most often use pithy short responses.
By page 50 you'd barely commenced the story/ plot development and alas I bailed. IMHO this needs dramatic trimming and editing for pace and action, as what's in your head certainly isn't on the page. Best --

Try and learn the concept of "constructive criticism". You even complained about the watermarks? Yes, show don't tell, but this is not an action movie-  it is about important life conversations between people - that you cannot just SHOW - obviously.  Your comment about the story not starting by page 50 is absolutely ridiculous. Too bad we cannot just DELETE your comments, they are all absurd.

Hi Joseph, one of the downsides of deleting a comment is that your script would no longer be bumped on the portal.

I do agree that something positive could have been added and JtF is usually a bit more measured than this.

You can always elect to have your script marked as:
For Production Purposes only. No Comments required.

What I would do however, is wait for more feedback and see if there is a general consensus on anything that you can then edit in another draft.

You can also request a script review exchange here: https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-goose/

Reading and commenting on other writer's work is also more likely to get you reads. I hope this helps and feel free to PM if you have any further questions.

Thank you for your comments. This is the first time I've gotten a ridiculous comment like this one in all the years I have been using your service.  

Thank you.
Joe

Quoted from jjcwn Try and learn the concept of "constructive criticism". You even complained about the watermarks? Yes, show don't tell, but this is not an action movie-  it is about important life conversations between people - that you cannot just SHOW - obviously.  Your comment about the story not starting by page 50 is absolutely ridiculous. Too bad we cannot just DELETE your comments, they are all absurd.

JtF's feedback was entirely accurate and constructive, and you'd be wise to take it seriously.

Frankly, I'm a little surprised (s)he made it as far as page 50. I gave up long before, and I say that as somebody who watched My Dinner With Andre four times in its first week in theaters.

This is a business of rejection. You are going to be rejected a lot. It's the default state of a screenwriter's existence. If you can't cope with honest feedback, you are not cut out for life as a screenwriter.

I'm with Drongo (nice to see you back!) here. JtF's review was perfectly fine and frankly more than the writer deserves.  

Quoted from jjcwn Try and learn the concept of "constructive criticism". You even complained about the watermarks? Yes, show don't tell, but this is not an action movie-  it is about important life conversations between people - that you cannot just SHOW - obviously.  Your comment about the story not starting by page 50 is absolutely ridiculous. Too bad we cannot just DELETE your comments, they are all absurd.

I was going to take a look and comment at the script - saw this - and then bailed.

Mate - this is a perfect way to scare off reviewers

As I said originally, if the opinion was CONSTRUCTIVE, NO PROBLEM. But this person even made a stupid comment about the watermark?

This is a screenplay about conversations and dialogue and life decisions, not about action scenes where we show and do not tell.  His comments were ridiculous, and that was MY opinion.  So this always goes BOTH ways.

Constructive, intelligent ideas and opinions are always very welcome.  Thank you.

"constructive criticism = criticism I like !!!"

this is why I don't read scripts by randos who show up and only post in their own threads lol

no shade to anyone who tries to help. you're more patient than me.

Hi Joseph, I had a more in depth look at your script and to be honest it needs a lot of work.

Do you have aspirations to be a screenwriter or is this a hobby?
I will be happy to give you a small sample of feedback and detail what I think needs work if you're open to it? Let me know.

P.S. I know you balked at this but a watermark makes your script more difficult to read and it isn't needed. Consider removing it.

Quoted from grace "constructive criticism = criticism I like !!!" this is why I don't read scripts by randos who show up and only post in their own threads lol no shade to anyone who tries to help. you're more patient than me.

New writers become so wrapped up in their script that they lose perspective.

Quoted from jjcwn As I said originally, if the opinion was CONSTRUCTIVE, NO PROBLEM.

JtF's feedback was entirely constructive.

Quoted Text But this person even made a stupid comment about the watermark?

JtF pointed out the fact it's a common mistake of new writers to include one.

Quoted Text This is a screenplay about conversations and dialogue and life decisions, not about action scenes where we show and do not tell.

Would you watch a movie other than your own that is about people doing nothing but speaking to each other?

Few of those movies exist and for good reason.

Quoted Text His comments were ridiculous, and that was MY opinion.  So this always goes BOTH ways.

You came here seeking feedback — you said — and you got some.

As writers, we do not get to cherry pick the feedback we receive. When you go out there with your work you have to take what you get.

Quoted Text Constructive, intelligent ideas and opinions are always very welcome.  Thank you.

And yet you've already rejected those.

We all want to hear and read nice things about our work. That's totally natural and human. But not everyone is going to think our work is as great as we do. Many people will see the errors we can't or won't. This is a good thing. Embrace it.

ONCE AGAIN.  The comments were not constructive.  This is NOT an action movie. That is all I said.  We all know about show, do not tell.  But not for all movies. Watermark? Who cares.  This is the first time in all my nine scripts that I did not believe the comment was constructive.   More work - of course, all scripts need work and editing, and rewrites.  The story, the flow, the dialogue, and conversations,  and the message at the end, that is what is most important.

Quoted from jjcwn ONCE AGAIN.  The comments were not constructive.  This is NOT an action movie. That is all I said.  We all know about show, do not tell.  But not for all movies. Watermark? Who cares.  This is the first time in all my nine scripts that I did not believe the comment was constructive.   More work - of course, all scripts need work and editing, and rewrites.  The story, the flow, the dialogue, and conversations,  and the message at the end, that is what is most important.

Constructive = "Having or intended to have useful or beneficial purpose"

I.E the intention of the comment was to be useful/beneficial regardless of how you perceived it. It was constructive.

NO IT WAS NOT. SHOW DO NOT TELL, was the only comment. ENOUGH of this. GO AWAY.  

QUITE CLEARLY, as I have repeated 10 times now..  I do not agree.  "We all know about show, don't tell".    END OF THREAD. GO AWAY. BYE.

Why is this still running???
Previously --
Now I Teach by Joseph J Caruso - Dramedy - A story about a man in his 50's who tries to teach after working in the IT field for over 30 years. How he copes with his new life, the strange faculty, insane principle and the new challenges of teaching. 96 pagtes - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

NW3     Posted: November 12th, 2015, 6:14am     

I got a laugh where he says he was married for five years and divorced for five, and she says "Its rare that I see symmetry like that."
The problem is, that is page 20 and all he's done is meet the principal and some of the teachers.
Multiple issues here, Joseph, NOW I TEACH needs homework (see what I did there?), do you want it?
Joe

-- Obviously not !!

Dude....

1. You have 7 different writers take a look at the comment and all thought it met the standard of constructive criticism. You're just wrong here.

2. The feedback was free. Someone took time from their day to read your stuff and offer you feedback—FOR FREE. Where else do you get that deal?

3. If you disagree with feedback - cool. Just say thanks.... But I don't agree because....

It ain't this difficult.

Joseph, FYI, you can elect to upload scripts and mark the box For Production Purposes Only, No feedback required.

Also, if you'd like this particular thread locked let me know.

Nothing draws a crowd like a big fight. This thread has had over 1230 views in a couple months. I even read several pages of the script just to see what all the hubbub was about. Note to self:  When posting a work for review, make controversial remarks to stir the pot. Apparently a workable strategy. 😂

Seriously though writer, I actually became interested in your script. There’s a story here to tell. Please take this as intended:  I am an amateur at screenwriting. I have committed just about every “no-noâ€� in the book from formatting to flow to…everything. I have learned so much here from the advice given…for free. People donating their time to uplift our craft. Please consider removing the chip from your shoulder and receiving the advice in the spirit in which it was given. You’ll be the richer for it. I promise.

Quoted from jjcwn QUITE CLEARLY, as I have repeated 10 times now..  I do not agree.  "We all know about show, don't tell".    END OF THREAD. GO AWAY. BYE.

You've written a script in which people do little but talk for almost 2.5 hours.

At 110 minutes, My Dinner With Andre clocked in a half hour less, and many people will tell you they thought watching that film was a form of torture.

My constructive opinion is you need a lot less talking and a lot more doing, but not so much of it that your running time exceeds two hours at the absolute most.