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Blessings by Lonnie - Family - While recovering from a near-fatal car accident, an African American teenager discovers she now has an amazing singing voice. 96 pages - pdf format
New writer interested in feedback on this work, please be nice
For a new writer, you are on a solid track. What I read is a pretty good effort. My macro comments are: 1)you need to be more efficient and 2) write more in an active voice. 3) Stop CAPPING so many words. 4) lose the we see and we hears.
Here is your opening. I have bolded the CAPS that are not needed and where you can lose the WE.
Quoted Text
INT. MOUNT CALVARY BAPTIST CHURCH - DAY
The blue-robed SINGERS in the women's choir sway and CLAP as they SING a joyful GOSPEL HYMN. They are near the end of their performance.
Almost a full-head taller than the other 30 women on the stage, GLORIA JOYNER, (17), SINGS with passion and expression. Her face is radiant. Her eyes, brilliant with happiness, radiate through black-rimmed glasses.
She is enthusiastically singing and clapping along with the music, seemingly having the time of her life.
Most of the congregation are on their feet, clapping along as well.
We see the no-nonsense Minister of Music, LLOYD BETELS, 60s, jamming on the church organ. Lloyd is a strict perfectionist with a tough exterior that deeply cares for his choir.
As the singing comes to an end, PASTOR ROBERT GRIFFIN, 60s, makes his way to the podium.
Now - let's see how to make it more efficient
=============================================== INT. MOUNT CALVARY BAPTIST CHURCH - DAY
The CONGREGATION on their feet, clapping along as they watch --
Thirty or so blue-robed SINGERS in the women's choir sway and CLAP as they belt out a joyful Gospel hymn.
Among the Choir, GLORIA JOYNER, (17), tall and lanky, Her face is radiant. Her joyful eyes radiate through black-rimmed glasses. She sings with enthusiasm, seemingly having the time of her life.
The Minister of Music, LLOYD BETELS, 60s, jams on the church organ. Then stops with one booming chord as the hymn comes to an end.
PASTOR ROBERT GRIFFIN, 60s, makes his way to the podium.
========================================================= That's about half the words and it can probably be trimmed down a little more.
Now, note - the writing is good if it were a novel passage - I did see what you wanted me too. But this is a script and believe me - white space is your friend. You want to avoid density.
Okay - on to writing in an active voice and more on the unneeded "we sees"
Quoted Text
EXT. MOUNT CALVARY BAPTIST CHURCH - LATER
We see BARBARA JOYNER, Gloria’s mother, 40s, standing in front of the church. She is exchanging pleasantries with some of the church members as they are walking out.
Whenever you are writing CHARACTER is doing - you are better off writing CHARACTER does. The above would read better as:
BARBARA JOYNER (40) stands in front of the church. She exchanges pleasantries with some of the church members as they walk out.
Overall - you are well on your way - but look to become more efficient, write in an active voice and nuke those annoying we sees
I like the premise, and generally it’s well written. Keep at it.
Given that Gloria eventually develops a beautiful singing voice, I guess I was thinking her voice should be bad at the beginning, unbeknownst to her, and then after her life-changing accident she sings and they’re not laughing anymore. Just a thought as far as story construction.
General suggestions;
Describe your main characters. Tighten the dialogue. Include only absolutely needed scenes. Don’t rush & have patience. Beautiful story requires inspiration and patience.
If this is your first draft - Don’t be afraid to let it sit for a while, then give it a read (no editing) all the way through. Then, write down your honest thoughts about it. You’d be surprised what you come up with.
Good luck and keep at it. If you want to enter into a competition I recommend hammering it to death. Don't just dump it into a competition because you're "sick of it" like we all get. This goes into not rushing and being patient again.
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Blessings
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