I liked this one. It was written pretty well and was a quick read. I think you could of used more pages and fleshed it out but I loved how there were things that were open to interpretation. There are a few small typo/errors that are mentioned above but besides that, good entry.

I might hafta read this a second time. It made very little sense to me. I don't understand why a dealer would kill a man's wife n his daughter's dog over n unpaid fix. Why not kill the junkie or beat the shit out of him? N why is he n prison? My head is spinning.

um, the writing itself tho was great...loved the action scenes.

Early on I felt the cursing was out of place. More for shock value than dialogue. When The Skull man swears later it fits but not any of the early stuff.

Also you wrote in a description "Remorse?" as if asking us if the character has remorse. If the scene itself doesn't show this, it is not needed.

If The Skull man is violent and sick why would he be shocked by a smile on Maynard's face? How can you show the shock instead of telling us about it?

Why do credits roll? This is not a short film... yet, so it doesn't need a cue for credits.

It was a fairly decent short but had no characters that as a reader one felt anything for.

This was a nice and quick read. Well written and easily to follow.

Story problems have already been brought up so I won't go into details about those.

Good job though.

Good take on the challenge. Good characters. Good writing style. Interesting read.

I agree with the readers above me. The protagonist’s crime must be clarified. It should be clear why he’s in jail.

I wasn’t too fond on the quick flashes. They don’t reveal anything new to move the story forward. Since they’re there for dramatic effect, it comes off as a bit melodramatic. Not that it was a big problem for me, but that was my reaction.

I think you did pretty well, overall. Good job.

I liked the script in spots, but the holes and the questions just kill your story.

If I'm not overly confused, the Skull Man murders Maynard's wife because he hasn't paid his drug debt?
And then the Skull Man kills the puppy and tells the daughter, her daddy is to blame?
I don't get the second flashback.  Maynard is told he has "redeemed" himself and given 3 syringes, so he can shoot up.  I think Skull Man leaves the briefcase, right?  Why??  How did he redeem himself?

It must have happened after Maynard discovered his wife's murder, because he's got blood on his clothes and we hear the approaching sirens  --- which I presume will lead to his arrest.  

Why does Skull Man want to kill Maynard?  He had his chance.  As far as I could tell, Maynard didn't do anything to retaliate for the Skull Man killing his wife, so I don't get the ending.

And how does Maynard know the Skull Man is coming for him?  Does the guard tell him so?   Make this clear.
And I just don't get Marlon's involvement.  He does the expository Q&A thing early on, but you tell us early that he's "involved" in the crime.

How can Skull Man easily enter the prison?  We need to see the exchange of money bet. the Skull Man and the guard.
Anyway, this story could have a Tarantinoesque edge, but I cannot connect the scenes.  They don't make sense as is.  This story feels really rushed.  However, I think you can fix it and make it work.  

How much $$$ does Maynard owe the Skull Man?
Not sure it makes any sense that Maynard would be on the SM's erase list for not paying for his fix.  How about if Maynard stole from Skull Man.  

Your explanation to this story might be more interesting than the story itself. LOL.

Hmm...I'm not crazy about this one. First of all the story has a major plothole: How and why would Skull go into prison to beat up Maynard? This was never explained and it ruined a lot of the script for me.

The flashbacks didn't work too well either - it was total exposition, and the ones in the end got really really YIKES-mushy.

Also, the story is not really that interesting and there's no real protagonist here. Maynard is a piece of shit junkie who got involved with the wrong people and suffered the consequences. Big deal - what's new?

As it seems, my complaints (and compliments) run alongside those of others.

First, the complaints: As someone (I think it was Sean) mentioned earlier, Marlon and Maynard sound quite similar, and when explaining this short to someone, I found myself attaching the wrong name to the wrong man. Not a big thing, but it wouldn't hurt to look into changing a name or two.

Also, I don't see why the guard allowed a group of gang-bangers to come in and beat the life out of one of their past customers. There doesn't seem to be any form of bribing taking place, although if I had to guess (which, because of this plot hole, I do), that would be my first explanation for it.

In terms of the flashbacks, two main things jumped out at me: (1) if the Skull Man is willing to kill Maynard's wife for his not paying for drugs, why would he then leave behind (you guessed it) drugs at the scene of the crime? True, it implements Maynard for the crime; it just seems that the Skull Man, so tight with money as he seems to be, is in the business of losing it too. (2) I liked the flashbacks, especially the "flashes before his eyes" sequence. Note, however, that you forget to place (FLASHBACK) at the end of such scenes as EXT. KINDERGARTEN - DAY. Just a little technical glitch you may want to look at.

And the ending... there didn't seem to be one really. Maynard's in prison for a crime he didn't commit, he's beaten to death, the end. I would have liked to see more of a conclusive, um, conclusion, though I don't know what that would be.

Now, the compliments: great imagery. You seem to enjoy writing descriptions just as much as you do dialogue. Nice, grimy stage setting. I liked the mental pictures you painted for us from the get-go.

You stayed within the boundaries of the OWC, inserting flashbacks here and there for backstory, and it seemed to (aside from the plot holes) click well enough.

Good luck.

There isn't much to add here. I also wondered about the involvement of Marlon. What did they do that was so stupid? And I'm unclear as to why Maynard was in prison for reasons previously stated. The whole idea was good and a good read.

James

Most things have been covered here, why is Maynard in jail, what's Marlon's purpose, is he merely a sounding board?  How did the Skull man get in and more importantly why?  If Maynards going to be excecuted why murder him in his cell?  Especially when the Skull man has already set him up for murder.

As for the actual writing, I thought it was good, a few mistakes but nothing major.  I like the montage with the birth of Mel and some important times in Maynard's life.

This is another one that is well-written, but suffers from the same logic flaws and unrealistic scenarios that plague a number of these jailhouse scripts.    

Starting with some technical nits, using two characters with similar names -- Marlon and Maynard -- is a little confusing for the reader.  You should avoid that when you can.

And your use of (cont’d) is wrong.  I do not use them at all -- I mean, it is obvious who is speaking -- their name is right there above the dialogue -- but if you do use them, it goes beside the name of the person speaking, not as a parenthetical.  Roll credits is another instruction that need not be included.

But my biggest problem here is that Maynard does not seem all that guilty.  Pitiable, sure, but unworthy of the fate that befalls him.  The same goes for his family.  What happens to them seem like overkill.  And why is Marlon on death row for the crime?  That just doesn’t make any sense, even in movie-land.

The final flashbacks do not quite fit with the tone of the story.  Maynard can have regrets and remorse, but the implication that his own death somehow improves things and somehow brings him inner peace is a very strange message.

Just how is it that he has been redeemed, as the title implies?  He has been killed, sure, but that is not redemption.

Again, this is a well-written tale, but the story does not meet its potential.  Maynard needs a crime that fits his punishment, and a redemption that truly exonerates.

OWC Score: 75%