Quoted from The Script             LEIGH Ah, fancy that. I spend the past several minutes explaining that you need to step up on your own,

Yes you did, and what a joy it was to read - YAWN!

Someone totally forgot the MOTION in Motion Picture here. Yes, this would probably work better as a short story or a radio play - anything but a screenplay. This has probably been mentioned before but this script has beginner written all over it. The format is waaaay off and a lot of the things described in the script are simply unfilmable.

Check your format - learn that shit.

The angle was good, though predictable. For an 11-pager this felt twice as long and that made it a pain to finish.

Reading this script was like listening to a first semester college student explain the meaning of life after taking one philosophy class.  It was long and annoying and, in the end, didn't amount to anything.  If the writer was able to cut the length of this piece in half, it would be a better read.

There were a number of formatting problems in this script, from little things like underlining to camera angles.  You shouldn't do either of these things.

The biggest formatting problem I had dealt with descriptions.  When writing a screenplay, you should only describe things by what is seen and heard, or by what the moviegoer sees and hears on the screen.  Don't describe how a character feels...like this:

Quoted Text His name is DAVID.  And he doesn't know where the hell he is.

How does the moviegoer understand that David doesn't know where he is?  Later on, you wrote:

Quoted Text It takes a moment for David to absorb this.  Leigh's words have struck something in him.  Self revelation?  A sense of realization?  A coming to terms?  We don't know.  Not yet anyway.

How is this emotional nugget supposed to come across on the screen?  If you are imagining David actually doing something during this moment, then describe that.  Describing what is going on in his tormented soul doesn't translate.

The ending didn't work for me.  The idea of the prison cell representing his marriage--spoiler space, btw--is a good idea, but you don't show why he wants a divorce.  Not showing this turns your twist ending into a pointless ending.

End spoiler space.



Phil

As Abe said, this could have been told in less pages which would have given it more of an impact. I am thinking that you wanted it to be sort of vague so that we would be guessing what they were talking about and you definitely pulled this off. I wouldn't change the dialogue much, but the descriptions and formatting (which really threw me off) need some attention.

A good idea, good entry for the challenge.

James

I know this doesn't help at all, but I couldn't get past page five. It's a trite mess.

Alright, Notta, unlike Sir Mick, you're not a Knight of the Realm...(just kidding about the no name rule)...
It seems like you were trying to depict the bad marriage as his cell, and constructed this extended dream sequence to establish it...I haven't read other comments yet, so I'll skip the formatting issues...It seemed like this took way to long to get to point...At first I was thinking it was Sarte/No Exit, but then Leigh went from Charron to Jiminy Cricket...Had a few good one liners in the dialogue...I guess the main question is Why? Why is he so unhappy in his marriage? Because his wife has to work late and he's eating Egg Rolls with JD? Maybe she's beating a deadline or something...Paroxysm of wonderment? (Paroxysm is a spasm. I looked it up.)...Descriptions should be short, sweet, right to the point... A very good effort, though.