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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    February, 2008 One Week Challenge  ›  Experimental Heroes - OWC
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  Author    Experimental Heroes - OWC  (currently 3250 views)
chism
Posted: February 25th, 2008, 9:36pm Report to Moderator
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This short was pretty okay. I liked the idea a lot, the execution could’ve been a bit better. People have already mentioned the twist at the end, which was interesting, but would benefit from some reinforcing earlier on.

My biggest problem was the dialogue. There was a lot of awkward speeches in the script. Characters talking for too long and saying things that even people in similar situations wouldn’t say. For example:


Quoted Text
DAVE
I lost my family in a senseless act
of terrorism and all I have left
are physical and emotional scars
reminding me of the day it all went
away.


This is really awkward. We know about the physical and emotional scars. We just saw his wife and child incinerated; his emotional scars speak for themselves. To hear him say it so specifically is really clunky, and there’s lots of this kind of dialogue like that. It could use punching up.

All in all, it wasn’t bad, it just wasn’t terrific. The ideas were good, but it could’ve been handled a bit better. I think this probably has something to do with the time constraints, another couple of weeks work and I think this would’ve been much better.


Matt.
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Abe from LA
Posted: February 27th, 2008, 5:04am Report to Moderator
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I enjoyed the story despite the already mentioned dialogue and plausibility issues.
You've been grilled on the use/non-use of Flashback headings.  But you were consistent in your moving from the present to the past, so I was never at a loss for what was happening.
I liked the way you tell Jake's story as he commits the terrorist act, giving him a robotic, programmed movement through the scenes.
One thing that didn't work for me was when Dave says:  "So, you're the one who blew up that coffee shop?"  And Jake replies:  "See everyone thinks I blew us some minimal mom and pop coffee shop when really it was the building... "   How could anybody think the bomb was set in the coffee shop?
I think it would be clear to investigators where the bomb originated and of course, the media would pick up on that also.
There is too much talk as Dave is strangling Jake.
I'm not sure of the the flashback ending, when Dave addresses the 6 silhouetted men.
The silhouetted men all but admit that Jake was an experiment gone awry.  But aren't Jake's terrorist actions a result of the experiments?  That means the silhouetted men are responsible to a large degree.
Anyway, I thought for the most part the story was clear and the read was pretty quick.  Nice job.
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The boy who could fly
Posted: February 27th, 2008, 11:44am Report to Moderator
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I liked this one for the most part.  The premise is interesting and I liked how the story went back and forth in time giving little pieces of information at a time.  I think Jake apologizing while he was being strangled seemed a bit off, I thought he would fight back more.  And the closing dialogue by Dave felt a bit weird to me as well.  But as a whole it worked for me and it fit the challenge quite well.  Also the best log line so far for this challenge


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Blakkwolfe
Posted: February 27th, 2008, 12:33pm Report to Moderator
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I like this one...Real easy to read, proper formatting with ample white space...Would have liked a little more backstory and development on Jake...He has a hero complex, but why? Dialogue wise, he doesn't quite sound insane enough
Quoted from Text
"Do you believe that certain people are chosen as saviors and deities of earth and what they do is for the good of humanity?"
  If he believes that, then that holier, I AM GREATER THAN THOU attitude might have shown through a bit more in his dialogue...I did like it though, and would like to see the story developed further...



Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently - Dove Chocolate Wrapper
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stebrown
Posted: February 27th, 2008, 1:09pm Report to Moderator
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Firstly I liked the idea of this.

Have to agree with everyone else about the dialogue. Main culprit was the first line "How did you get in this place?" That's just far too on the nose, and unless I've been woefully miss-informed people get killed for asking that in prison. (Maybe I've watched too many movies).

I got mixed up with who was who too. Had to keep going back a page every now and then.

The way Dave talks whilst strangling Jake just wouldn't happen aswell. Try it! lol ok don't try it as you'll be arrested. He's not out of breath from the struggle? I refuse to believe that he could say those words.

My idea of improving this would be to have Jake badly beaten and tied up in the prison cell and Dave forcing him to tell the story. You would still leave us guessing about the whole story and I think you would be able to sort out the dialogue problems that way. That would only be with the restrictions in place though. Without the page limit I think you'll be able to sort this out no problem.


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