Ain't No Justice by T. Joseph Fraser (Blakkwolf) - Short, Drama - There ain't no justice like prison justice. - pdf, format

I really didn't believe this tale. The fact that a guard would help is kind of fake especially to that extent. The dialgoue seemed a bit forced when it was getting to the last few pages. And the candy business was kind of funny; I doubt prisoners would do that type of thing and espeically a guard. You revealed too many characters in the beginning such as giving a name to the guy who only siad: Dead man walking. That was not necessary.

But overall, the writing was really good from what I've read and the story flowed.  

Hope this helps,
Gabe

I have to agree with most of the stuff Mr. Ripley said. There were a lot of characters that I had trouble figuring who was who and some didn't even need names if they were only going to say one or two lines.

I kind of wonder how Crawfish and John became such good friends to the point where John helps Crawfish kill Sunshine, which, I don't even understand why he kills Sunshine in the first place.

But the writing was good and it followed the OWC requirements well.

Sean

I liked it. I wish there were some answers, but overall, I thought it was good.

Good dialogue. Good characters. Great use with theme and genre.

Good job.

Certain parts of your action lines don't work:

"JOHN WAYNE, a forty something guard who works too hard for too little money..."

"CRAWFISH JIM, a thin, grey bearded black man who has seen it all but still keeps looking..."

We can't see any of that.

Other than that, I like this story. It's not a very unique premise, but it's well-executed and well-written (except the bit above). I enjoyed the dialog and the fact the guard wasn't just a cold, flat character with contempt for all prisoners - that very cliched.

Good stuff and it fits the challenge to a T. I'll give it a A-.

I thought this was good but could have been a lot better.  Toward the end it seemed like the dialogue really trailed off, and then again we have another assisted prison death from the authority.  Unlike another one I read yesterday, I couldn't buy it with this one.  The thing here is that usually in prison(from what I hear on trash TV shows), it's the prisoners that rough up the pedophiles.  I know that there are some corrupt law authorities out here, but to actually assist in killing an inmate?  And why Sunshine?  Why not the other x amount of rapists and pedophiles locked up?  It really promotes more questions than it does answers.

Good writing, but needed something more, I think.

I’m also detecting a recurring theme in some of these stories. However for me this is the best yet of the justice from fellow prisoner stories.

However I had one big problem - Actually the JOHN WAYNE? Was the character supposed to look like a rugged western cowboy in the readers mind? I just couldn’t shake the image or the question.

Philip

This was a pretty good read. There were several cliches here and there but they didn't really detract from the story. In some cases, they made the script read a little more smoothly. I liked the names you came up with for these characters. I thought they were all very innovative and clever but fit well with the genre. The characters were good as well. Both John Wayne and Crawfish were likeable characters I thought. I liked their relationship.

Not many issues with this one. I did think the ending was a little out of Crawfish's character. He was set up as someone who didn't want to make trouble and then goes and does just that. I think he needs a stronger reason to do what he does. It's not enough to say he's angry about Sunshine's crimes. He's in prison. I'm sure there's plenty others like Sunshine lumped in with him. Also, like in the first script I read, John Wayne needs a stronger reason to get involved in any of this.

Oh and if Sunshine's going to be strangled with a wire, he's not going to be able to scream. That's physics.

Anyway, a generally solid entry. Good job.

I thought this one was pretty decent, it fit the theme and genre well.  It was kinda weird to see a guy named John Wayne, maybe if it was a nickname he was given because of similarities he would have with the Duke, I could buy that, or if in fact he is really named john Wayne that someone would make a joke about it.

I wish we knew a little more between Wayne and Crawfish, they seemed close, why is that?  How come there is a connection between these two?  That I think would give it a little more meat.

I think the premise is good, but I didn't buy the end, maybe if we knew the friendship between Wayne and Crawfish more it would fit better.  Still pretty good for this challenge.

Well written, the characters were defined very clearly for me. I have to agree with the John Wayne name, be careful if you're going to use the name of a legend. It's like how nobody ever covers Beatles tunes, it's a respect thing.

A few things I caught:

pp. 5 "Got a himself an B..."
pp. 7 When JW asks Crawfish "How's the new guy?" and then there is a new scene heading, I don't think it is needed. It's the same scene.
pp. 8 "Caddilac" and "With THE price of gas"

I wanted to know (I realize we were limited to 12 pages) who had given the green light for this? It has been mentioned that usually it is the other inmates who take care of the pedophiles. Also, would a pedophile really be spilling his guts to someone who quotes biblical verses just because he gave him a candy bar? I know there are some criminals who just can't resist bragging about their crimes and I guess I should just assume you did your homework on this.

Again, well written, just left me with a few questions.

James

I personally liked the character's names and who they were correlating to the storyline. For the John Wayne character, maybe a middle initial would give us the insight that he was named for the legendary man.

It did flow well and kept me curious as to what might happen next. I am not sure how probable a relationship like JW and Crawfish's may be, but it seemed to work for me in this story- who knows in a world like ours? Maybe Crawfish isn't exactly an inmate after all?

My friendly critique would be the way the strangulation took place. Sunshine is described as a large man, while Crawfish is a thin older man. For Sunshine's screams to be heard, there would have to be a struggle, wouldn't there? and if there's a struggle (long enough to hear screaming anyway)- wouldn't Sunshine easily overpower Crawfish? So, my thought is if the strangulation went smoothly, there wouldn't be any noise- except for maybe Crawfish grunting.

Pg 8- misspelling-Caddilac

Thank you for sharing,
Mirage Moon

I really liked this one a lot. Very well-written, some excellent dialogue. I liked the subtle hint of Sunshine’s pederast ways in the flashback; I thought that was very well plotted.

The characters is what I liked the most. Not just your standard cardboard cut-outs, more alive, more individual. They didn’t all just seem like the same person, as happens so many times both here on SS and in movies in general. I could imagine Morgan Freeman doing one hell of a job with Crawfish.

Anyway, this was a really excellent piece. Good characters, exemplary dialogue, good formatting. Fit really well into the theme/genre. This is easily the best of the OWC scripts that I’ve read so far. Really great work.


Matt.

I liked it but it seems incomplete. I know (at least from the movies) that pederasts are the most vile of inmate to other inmates. But I keep waiting for something that didn't happen. Instead Crawfish, if he can be taken at his word, came to jail, found out he likes killing people, and decided he didn't mind staying imprisoned so long as he could still kill.

I'm glad you didn't have crawfish as an uncle of the bayou girl. I started cringing when i remember he's got a Nawlins accent. But he's just some guy. Kinda wanted more. Hell, for a bit I thought Crawfish was  gonna turn out to be a heavenly angle of death, caught by the law, but the guards bring him those worthy to die.

I won't get into the opening descriptions and the stuff that can't be filmed. Make some kind of payoff and I think it'll be real good.

Good show

I thought the dialogue and the actions in this one were quite good and it certainly met the OWC brief. I had a bit of a problem with the believability of the story, simply because I think its stretching plausibility that the guard would get involved.  If Sunshine were about to be released then you might of got away with it – but the dead man walking in the beginning pretty much said that Sunshine was already going to die, so why would they have him killed? And why in the world did you use the name JOHN WAYNE - I found it a bit distracting.

Though this needs a rewrite I would CONSIDER it.

I pretty much have to echo everyone else here, I was a little late reading this one. It was decent but it needs a rewrite, most of which has been noted above by others. I also agree it felt incomplete and limited by the 12 pages. If you do consider a revision, I think this could benefit from fleshing it out. good entry.

First things first, John Wayne? Why? Then you mention his FULL name again like it matters or is impressive.

How do we see John Wayne working for too little money? Is it written somewhere on his person so we read it? Subtitles? If it was mentioned in a clever way maybe people would understand him helping or maybe his daughter was killed by a killer back in the day.

Telling us in a description about the fire in his eyes is telling us more than descriptions should.

It gave away the ending and took me out of it. The ending felt hokey and just didn't work.

The writing was decent like the others I have read but the script itself is just missing that "pop" to make it really good. I think it may just be the ending though.

First off, I didn't like the use of the John Wayne name.  There was only one John Wayne and if you're gonna go there, I'd would have preferred you use "the Duke."
Didn't care much for the Sunshine name either.  It was as if the writer were saying "who cares about a name?" Or here's a cutesy-goofy name to go with a character everybody will hate.

The smart alec quality in JW the guard left no surprises in what his role would be by story's end.
I liked Crawfish, because it felt like he was a genuine character.  The others were sort of cartoonish.  
Anyway, the story line was in keeping with so many here -- a killing in the institution.  
I didn't think the Greenlight from the top of the food chain worked.  This should be an act that a select few would undertake.  That would feel real.
Was there a distinct scene in which Crawfish signals to JW that he wants the King James Bible?  I know Crawfish squeezes the bars so tight his knuckles go white.  But I think there should be a wink or a nod, so it obvious he is in contact with JW.
And has Crawfish murdered cell mates before?  It seems the way this killing went down was not new to either Crawfish or JW.  Just bring out the Bible and let things take their natural course.
I will say that Sunshine deserved the wire act.  He was a pedophile and didn't in any way seem tortured, remorseful or bothered by his nasty, violent past.  
As I said before, I thought Crawfish was the best developed character and the story angle was OK, but the rest of the elements missed their marks.  Formatting and such were good, though.

I liked these characters, and I liked the names, aside from John Wayne, which is just silly. But you know that by now.  Anyways, very well-drawn characters that I came to appreciate in the short time that I knew them.  Even Jacob, with his O.S. contributions, was amusing to me.

The descriptions here are just long enough to avoid complaints about long descriptions, and they help one to envision the scenes and the characters within them.

I love "INT. 4509" as a slug-line.  This one was written by somebody who knows what they are doing -- and likes to play with conventions while also sticking to the rules.  I always appreciate that.

But the segue into Sunshine’s story, or rather the lack of a segue, is very, very awkward.  It is like a needle skipping on a record.  Points off for that. And it just goes downhill from there, as what happens next -- a sanctioned murder -- simply stretches reality too far.

Excellent -- really excellent -- start.  But I was disappointed by where this story ultimately ends up.  I would have liked something less conventional for these marvelous characters.

OWC Score: 85%  

Agree with the John Wayne reference...If it was a nickname, it should have been the Duke or something less specific.

The problem is that Crawfish betrayed his character; Crawfish, believing as he does, would not have stooped to the level of dispensing prison justice, rather his character would probably have sacrificed his own life (as a messiah of sorts) to preserve the life of his fellow man, child molester or not....That is what this story started off to be, humanity showing itself in inhuman circumstances, in Crawfish and John, like the flower breaking through the concrete.

Rewrite, and LISTEN to the characters this time. Maybe even Sunshine can find peace, although for him, it may be a long and difficult journey...

"In Production".