SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 4:42pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    February, 2010 One Week Challenge  ›  OWC - Sanitarium *
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    OWC - Sanitarium *  (currently 3562 views)
Don
Posted: February 13th, 2010, 10:34am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Sanitarium by Cindy L. Keller - Short, Horror - An orderly tries to make life bearable to a young girl who is lost in Hell. - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  February 21st, 2010, 2:27pm
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
bert
Posted: February 13th, 2010, 11:10am Report to Moderator
Administrator


Buy the ticket, take the ride

Location
That's me in the corner
Posts
4232
Posts Per Day
0.61
Good title and logline.  Nice surreal stuff at the beginning, but it goes on for a little too long, perhaps.

The ideas are ambitious, but the dialogue is a bit on the nose.  The sex-crazed orderlies have little subtlety to what they say, expressing their desires a bit more overtly than they should.  Their lines land with a "thunk" instead of the subtle menace that you probably intended.

And we do not get a real resolution here -- just a sense of some weird scenario that will continue long after this one episode is over.  That is an ending, of sorts, but not the ending I would have wanted.

Great ideas, but some problems in execution, and no real resolution.

Grade:  B-  


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
Logged
Private Message Reply: 1 - 27
Grandma Bear
Posted: February 13th, 2010, 12:03pm Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Swamp...
Posts
7961
Posts Per Day
1.36
I agree with bert here.

Nice surreal visuals. I liked those.  I could also feel Emily's "pain". It does go on a little longer than necessary IMO.

I sort of liked the ending. My only issue with it was that if this happens at this hospital all the time or at least every now and then, I don't believe Brian would let anyone else near Emily.

There was quite a few typos, but other than that it was an easy quick read.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 2 - 27
Scar Tissue Films
Posted: February 13th, 2010, 12:11pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Posts
3382
Posts Per Day
0.63
I enjoyed this. I liked the twist at the end that Brian was in League with the Devil side of her. Either I'm reading too much into it, or it's escaped the attention of other readers.

I disagree with Bert that it needed more of a resolution, I think what is there works fine.

Didn't fully understand the whole faceless clock situation, but that's a minor point.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 27
Andrew
Posted: February 13th, 2010, 12:59pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1791
Posts Per Day
0.32
Hello C,

This was a good effort, but it was wrote in 2008? Hardly in the spirit of the challenge, if so. That said, I did enjoy this.

Agree re: bert's comments with the dialogue. You pushed the evil orderlies angle too hard with some unlikely dialogue.

It doesn't really fit into the animation I envisage, but the tone of the piece, particularly with the images you put forth help shape a compelling script and hint, I think, at the tone Michael leans towards in his reel. I do think it would work better as an acted piece, with a decent budget to recreate some of the images you conjured.

The ending was open, and while I suspect that was your intention, it may also be down to a lack of clarity in your writing. Brian was possessed, or he was in league with her naughty side? Or something else? So, it's open to interpretation, but not necessarily in the best way.

Definitely the most compelling script I've read in the challenge thus far.

Andrew


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 27
grademan
Posted: February 13th, 2010, 1:15pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Wisconsin
Posts
872
Posts Per Day
0.16
SANITARIUM

I had a hard time with the surreal imagery in this one specifically because I didn't think the story underneath was clear and the imagery itself, while good, was used too much.

The ending wasn't an ending for me. I don't mind ambiguous endings but in this case I was confused.

The visuals of this may be hard to do in Moviestorm but editing (I think) would help a lot.

The faceless clock was cool as a comment on the endless nature of her torment.

Gary
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 27
Scar Tissue Films
Posted: February 13th, 2010, 1:18pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Posts
3382
Posts Per Day
0.63

Quoted from Andrew
Hello C,

This was a good effort, but it was wrote in 2008? Hardly in the spirit of the challenge, if so. That said, I did enjoy this.

Agree re: bert's comments with the dialogue. You pushed the evil orderlies angle too hard with some unlikely dialogue.

It doesn't really fit into the animation I envisage, but the tone of the piece, particularly with the images you put forth help shape a compelling script and hint, I think, at the tone Michael leans towards in his reel. I do think it would work better as an acted piece, with a decent budget to recreate some of the images you conjured.

The ending was open, and while I suspect that was your intention, it may also be down to a lack of clarity in your writing. Brian was possessed, or he was in league with her naughty side? Or something else? So, it's open to interpretation, but not necessarily in the best way.

Definitely the most compelling script I've read in the challenge thus far.

Andrew


Good spot.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 27
greg
Posted: February 13th, 2010, 1:19pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Oh Hi

Location
San Diego, California
Posts
1680
Posts Per Day
0.24
This was just okay for me.

Was the 2008 copyright date for real or just to throw people off?  Not really in the spirit of the challenge if it was written 2 years ago...

Good logline, but I think it goes a little over the top in such a short time frame.  A little too much action and not enough development on character.  The orderlies I felt were a little forced.  They didn't really seem creepy, but rather they just felt forced.  Some of the dialogue also didn't flow with it.  

The visuals are pretty neat.  My interpretation of the clock is that there's no concept of time in Hell, so Emily would be "trapped" for eternity.  That's what I took away from it anyway.

So, yeah, a couple things I liked, couple I didn't.  Not sure this one really fits the challenge at all, though, considering it says 2008 on the front.

Greg


Be excellent to each other
Logged
Private Message Reply: 7 - 27
Dreamscale
Posted: February 13th, 2010, 4:13pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



Well...can't say that I enjoyed this one too much.  It was quite odd, actually, and I didn't get it.

If this was indeed written in 2008, I really wonder why it wasn't cleaned up.  I think it's bullshit to not write a new script in 1 week, as the challenge states.  Very interested in finding out the story behind when this was written, and what it's supposed to mean.

Lots of mistakes throughout, awkward phrasing, and strange introductions...actually, the entire format and story was strange.

I don't really even see a story here...no beginning, no middle, and definitely no end.  I'm all for ambiguity, but this goes above and beyond ambiguous.  It almost feels like a snippet from a much longer work.

Sorry, but this definitely didn't do it for me.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 8 - 27
Blakkwolfe
Posted: February 13th, 2010, 4:31pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Florida, USA
Posts
706
Posts Per Day
0.12
It's an adequate interpretation of the theme, taking advantage of the surreal qualities affordable in the medium, the sliding numbers, the sliding in and out of insanity...I liked Brian. Seemed like a good dude who saw her for who she was, and not just a lost sexual conquest. Stan is a bit more stereotypical, although that type may very well be true...

Two short, red, devil-looking DEMONS

Assume these would be the guys with the horns, pointy tails and pitch forks; regardless devil-looking demons seems somewhat redundant.

Hard to imagine that Brian would be able to hear Stan's screaming outside of the asylum, or at least be able to identify that it was someone legitimately in trouble other than the random screams of the inmates. I suppose he's been there long enough to tell.

First one, so hard to judge against the lot, but I think it was OK.

As others have mentioned, the 2008 on the title page will mean ya got some 'splainin to do.


Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently - Dove Chocolate Wrapper
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 9 - 27
CindyLKeller
Posted: February 13th, 2010, 7:49pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1467
Posts Per Day
0.20
Okay,

This one was a little kooky, and like others have said, there are typos that need to be fixed.

As for the 2008 date, I think I know what happened there. Did you use http://www.scripped.com to write this on?

That's what I use to write screenplays, and if you don't change the date on the cover page, it will say copyright2008 and 1st draft.

Anyway, I thought it was pretty good for a OWC.


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 10 - 27
Cam17
Posted: February 13th, 2010, 9:22pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Los Angeles
Posts
153
Posts Per Day
0.03
This script had some interesting hallucinatory moments.  The demon faces ballooning out of the walls in particular.  I felt, however, that I just didn't know enough about the girl and her background to really understand her situation.

Brian is the one character that felt real to me.  I would have liked to see more interaction between him and the girl.  The ending was a bit vague.  Overall, though, a decent entry.  


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 11 - 27
Coding Herman
Posted: February 13th, 2010, 10:16pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Toronto, Canada
Posts
455
Posts Per Day
0.09
There are some confusing parts and story elements that I failed to understand.

An example is the florescent numbers that fall and get absorbed into darkness. What does that mean and what does it signifies?

What happens in Emily's room between her and the demons is confusing as well. I needed to read it a few times. There are too many unusual visuals that are hard to picture in my mind. At one time a demon balloons out of a wall, then the next instant it freezes in front of Emily, and then two demons are whispering at a corner. I think it'd be better if you have them as characters instead of some generic demons.

Everything else is fine and then when Stan goes into Emily's room. Things start to get wacky again. Where is that white ball and the clock? So the devil ate up Emily and I assume Stan couldn't see that?

I'm sure you know all the meanings of the story. But maybe it's me, I didn't quite get it. It's a good work nevertheless.


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 12 - 27
ajr
Posted: February 14th, 2010, 12:26pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1482
Posts Per Day
0.28
Okay, I'm certain I know the only two people that may have written this...

This was my favorite one out of the 4 or 5 I've read so far. Yes, there were spelling mistakes (including calling Brian "Brain" once, which is why I will never use this name in a script), and the introduction of the orderlies and demons could have been more unique and differentiated, but overall I was pulled into the story.

I liked Brain (I mean Brian) and felt he was developed quickly in a short script, which was good. Ditto for Emily - her prancing in the morning was well-described and felt real.

The only part I didn't get was the crown of thorns - it seems Brian really does remove it, so it's not imagery?

And good ending - I took away from this that Brian may not be all that he seems on the surface, much like decadence says above. Good job.


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 13 - 27
Trojan
Posted: February 15th, 2010, 12:23am Report to Moderator
New


Location
Australia
Posts
393
Posts Per Day
0.07
Have to agree with most of what has already been said. I think the sexualised dialogue from Stan and then Tom was too explicit and unlikely. Subtlety would have worked better here IMO.

Didn't really get the ending, not sure if Brian was helping this girl or what his last line is supposed to mean. It didn't quite work for me.

Thought it was well written for the most part, and an interesting story idea that could benefit from a polish and a new ending.

Cheers,
Tim.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 14 - 27
 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    February, 2010 One Week Challenge  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006