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Good title and logline. Nice surreal stuff at the beginning, but it goes on for a little too long, perhaps.
The ideas are ambitious, but the dialogue is a bit on the nose. The sex-crazed orderlies have little subtlety to what they say, expressing their desires a bit more overtly than they should. Their lines land with a "thunk" instead of the subtle menace that you probably intended.
And we do not get a real resolution here -- just a sense of some weird scenario that will continue long after this one episode is over. That is an ending, of sorts, but not the ending I would have wanted.
Great ideas, but some problems in execution, and no real resolution.
Nice surreal visuals. I liked those. I could also feel Emily's "pain". It does go on a little longer than necessary IMO.
I sort of liked the ending. My only issue with it was that if this happens at this hospital all the time or at least every now and then, I don't believe Brian would let anyone else near Emily.
There was quite a few typos, but other than that it was an easy quick read.
I enjoyed this. I liked the twist at the end that Brian was in League with the Devil side of her. Either I'm reading too much into it, or it's escaped the attention of other readers.
I disagree with Bert that it needed more of a resolution, I think what is there works fine.
Didn't fully understand the whole faceless clock situation, but that's a minor point.
This was a good effort, but it was wrote in 2008? Hardly in the spirit of the challenge, if so. That said, I did enjoy this.
Agree re: bert's comments with the dialogue. You pushed the evil orderlies angle too hard with some unlikely dialogue.
It doesn't really fit into the animation I envisage, but the tone of the piece, particularly with the images you put forth help shape a compelling script and hint, I think, at the tone Michael leans towards in his reel. I do think it would work better as an acted piece, with a decent budget to recreate some of the images you conjured.
The ending was open, and while I suspect that was your intention, it may also be down to a lack of clarity in your writing. Brian was possessed, or he was in league with her naughty side? Or something else? So, it's open to interpretation, but not necessarily in the best way.
Definitely the most compelling script I've read in the challenge thus far.
I had a hard time with the surreal imagery in this one specifically because I didn't think the story underneath was clear and the imagery itself, while good, was used too much.
The ending wasn't an ending for me. I don't mind ambiguous endings but in this case I was confused.
The visuals of this may be hard to do in Moviestorm but editing (I think) would help a lot.
The faceless clock was cool as a comment on the endless nature of her torment.
This was a good effort, but it was wrote in 2008? Hardly in the spirit of the challenge, if so. That said, I did enjoy this.
Agree re: bert's comments with the dialogue. You pushed the evil orderlies angle too hard with some unlikely dialogue.
It doesn't really fit into the animation I envisage, but the tone of the piece, particularly with the images you put forth help shape a compelling script and hint, I think, at the tone Michael leans towards in his reel. I do think it would work better as an acted piece, with a decent budget to recreate some of the images you conjured.
The ending was open, and while I suspect that was your intention, it may also be down to a lack of clarity in your writing. Brian was possessed, or he was in league with her naughty side? Or something else? So, it's open to interpretation, but not necessarily in the best way.
Definitely the most compelling script I've read in the challenge thus far.
Was the 2008 copyright date for real or just to throw people off? Not really in the spirit of the challenge if it was written 2 years ago...
Good logline, but I think it goes a little over the top in such a short time frame. A little too much action and not enough development on character. The orderlies I felt were a little forced. They didn't really seem creepy, but rather they just felt forced. Some of the dialogue also didn't flow with it.
The visuals are pretty neat. My interpretation of the clock is that there's no concept of time in Hell, so Emily would be "trapped" for eternity. That's what I took away from it anyway.
So, yeah, a couple things I liked, couple I didn't. Not sure this one really fits the challenge at all, though, considering it says 2008 on the front.
Well...can't say that I enjoyed this one too much. It was quite odd, actually, and I didn't get it.
If this was indeed written in 2008, I really wonder why it wasn't cleaned up. I think it's bullshit to not write a new script in 1 week, as the challenge states. Very interested in finding out the story behind when this was written, and what it's supposed to mean.
Lots of mistakes throughout, awkward phrasing, and strange introductions...actually, the entire format and story was strange.
I don't really even see a story here...no beginning, no middle, and definitely no end. I'm all for ambiguity, but this goes above and beyond ambiguous. It almost feels like a snippet from a much longer work.
It's an adequate interpretation of the theme, taking advantage of the surreal qualities affordable in the medium, the sliding numbers, the sliding in and out of insanity...I liked Brian. Seemed like a good dude who saw her for who she was, and not just a lost sexual conquest. Stan is a bit more stereotypical, although that type may very well be true...
Two short, red, devil-looking DEMONS
Assume these would be the guys with the horns, pointy tails and pitch forks; regardless devil-looking demons seems somewhat redundant.
Hard to imagine that Brian would be able to hear Stan's screaming outside of the asylum, or at least be able to identify that it was someone legitimately in trouble other than the random screams of the inmates. I suppose he's been there long enough to tell.
First one, so hard to judge against the lot, but I think it was OK.
As others have mentioned, the 2008 on the title page will mean ya got some 'splainin to do.
Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently - Dove Chocolate Wrapper
This one was a little kooky, and like others have said, there are typos that need to be fixed.
As for the 2008 date, I think I know what happened there. Did you use http://www.scripped.com to write this on?
That's what I use to write screenplays, and if you don't change the date on the cover page, it will say copyright2008 and 1st draft.
Anyway, I thought it was pretty good for a OWC.
Award winning screenwriter Available screenplays TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
This script had some interesting hallucinatory moments. The demon faces ballooning out of the walls in particular. I felt, however, that I just didn't know enough about the girl and her background to really understand her situation.
Brian is the one character that felt real to me. I would have liked to see more interaction between him and the girl. The ending was a bit vague. Overall, though, a decent entry.
There are some confusing parts and story elements that I failed to understand.
An example is the florescent numbers that fall and get absorbed into darkness. What does that mean and what does it signifies?
What happens in Emily's room between her and the demons is confusing as well. I needed to read it a few times. There are too many unusual visuals that are hard to picture in my mind. At one time a demon balloons out of a wall, then the next instant it freezes in front of Emily, and then two demons are whispering at a corner. I think it'd be better if you have them as characters instead of some generic demons.
Everything else is fine and then when Stan goes into Emily's room. Things start to get wacky again. Where is that white ball and the clock? So the devil ate up Emily and I assume Stan couldn't see that?
I'm sure you know all the meanings of the story. But maybe it's me, I didn't quite get it. It's a good work nevertheless.
FEATURE:
Memwipe - Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
Okay, I'm certain I know the only two people that may have written this...
This was my favorite one out of the 4 or 5 I've read so far. Yes, there were spelling mistakes (including calling Brian "Brain" once, which is why I will never use this name in a script), and the introduction of the orderlies and demons could have been more unique and differentiated, but overall I was pulled into the story.
I liked Brain (I mean Brian) and felt he was developed quickly in a short script, which was good. Ditto for Emily - her prancing in the morning was well-described and felt real.
The only part I didn't get was the crown of thorns - it seems Brian really does remove it, so it's not imagery?
And good ending - I took away from this that Brian may not be all that he seems on the surface, much like decadence says above. Good job.
Have to agree with most of what has already been said. I think the sexualised dialogue from Stan and then Tom was too explicit and unlikely. Subtlety would have worked better here IMO.
Didn't really get the ending, not sure if Brian was helping this girl or what his last line is supposed to mean. It didn't quite work for me.
Thought it was well written for the most part, and an interesting story idea that could benefit from a polish and a new ending.