First draft 2008? Isn't that cheating? I mean, I have a dark script from several years ago I could have entered, but I didn't. Very nice, however. I like how we get the scene from Emily's perspective, giving us that weird surreal world that she lives in. I did find it a bit odd at the end when Brian denied Stan to help Emily, but he went and allowed Tom to do so. I like how you ended it though, and kind of left what happens next up to the audience. There are times when that's a good thing, and this is one of those perfect times.

So very well done here. I liked it.

EDIT: I suspect that Brian thought Tom was being too forward right away, and wanted to "teach him a lesson" about how to handle the inmates there. He has heard Emily state that line over and over again, so he would have a good idea as to what was going to happen.

I liked this a lot too!  

I didn't think the dialogue was too bad.  I was expecting it to be way more over the top from reading the comments.  

I'm pretty sure Brian removing the crown was a vision/delusion.

So her father molested her then she killed him, right?

THis was good.

Bit of a mixture this one. It had all the ingredients to be pretty good, but the writer seemed to lose control of it.
Nothing wrong with the actual writing, though a few grammaticals. No one else has mentioned it, but i thought the CAPS on some of the action was tacky and overdramatic.
With a re-write this would turn out better. Good effort and it fit the challenge.

I've read 22 of the scripts but not many have used any of the props Michael listed. In fact, fuck all have used fuck all! Except for the pisstake one, 'The Dark'...

First off I want to say thank you to everyone who read this...

*Now on to the "splanin'" as Ricky Ricardo would call it.  

I wrote this script on February 9th, and did a little more work on it on the 10th. The copyright is standard on the cover page where I wrote it: Scripped.com. I forgot to change it or remove it before I sent it in.

Emily was very religious, the preacher's daughter, and a girl who says that a demon killed her father, when it was her all along. Possession? A possibility. She respects the cross around Brian's neck.

The clock. Well, she watched time get absorbed by the shadows on a very long night when she couldn't sleep. She was like a black hole so to say.

She was the only one who saw her crown of thorns. It was really just a headache, but she thought the demons were using that as a means of torture, too.

Stan was a jerk. Got what he deserved.

George was right on with his comments about Brian. He is a good guy who really cares about his job, and Emily. He had warned Tom about the patients, and didn't want Tom to take them lightly or take advantage of them. So yes, he was wanting to teach him a lesson right off.

Anyway, that's it. Hope I answered all the questions about this one.

I wanted to get into a sick person's head for this one, and write something that she might see if she was hurting and confused.

Thanks again for the reads. It was fun to write.

Cindy

This one was very interesting visually. Some great visuals actually. The clock numbers falling and the heads coming from the walls, very well done.

I didn't care much for the ending, but I do think the story overall is much better than a lot of the comments suggest.

Great work!

Brian

SPOILERS!

Interesting read. I understood the religon theme but I didn't get the part where she says "there's no God" and bites Stan. Not that there was anything wrong with that since Stan ends up being a ass. Maybe work on making that part more sense. Just a suggestion.
  
Gabe

Hey Gabe,

Thanks for giving this one a read. Glad you thought it was interesting.

The part where she says There's no God, well, the demon just swallowed her, so she IS the demon in her mind, and she's telling herself that God is gone forever.

I love the ambiguity of it. Some ideas should be left to the readers imagination - I think Brian and the girl were kind of sorting good ones from bad ones... maybe.

Together, in a silent pact - Loved it.

Glad you liked it khamanna. I cleaned it up some, and Don will post the rewrite sometime tonight.

Cindy

After reading this, I thought:

This is DAMN GOOD!

Then I went back to read the comments and was surprised.

My opinion stands as I feel it's DAMN GOOD!

I'm not sure why some people are seeing the copyright as 2008. I'm getting 2010 on your title page.

I'll tell you where I was hooked:

When Stan says a wast of good pussy. That was it. Something was going to go down for sure and it was just a matter of when. I was wondering if Brian was actually going to take advantage of her. All of this suspense was going on in my mind when he entered the room--

So, you might want to drag out the drama here and maybe have Brian in conflict with himself. Indeed, he might be.

Cindy, I could see you easily developing this and have Emily get better in the end.

There is no doubt in my mind as to the value of this piece. You can always work to raise it up that notch with regard to uniqueness I think, but this is a solid piece of work that I think you should be proud of.

Sandra

Though this got a little bit muddied in the middle, I really liked this script.  I was sorry that it didn't make the anthology and I wanted to let you know that it was next in line, as far as I was concerned, if one of the selectees had declined.  Nice work.  

Quoted from mcornetto   I was sorry that it didn't make the anthology and I wanted to let you know that it was next in line, as far as I was concerned, if one of the selectees had declined.  Nice work.

Thanks Mike. I didn't think it was going to make it because of the special effects with the clock. It was fun to write it though.  

Quoted from Sandra Elstree. After reading this, I thought: This is DAMN GOOD! Then I went back to read the comments and was surprised. My opinion stands as I feel it's DAMN GOOD! I'm not sure why some people are seeing the copyright as 2008. I'm getting 2010 on your title page.

Hey Sandra,
Thanks for giving this one a read. I'm glad you liked it.
This is the cleaned up version. Don is really quick in getting it put up.  
I think I answered some of the questions and basically just cleaned it up with this rewrite. I'm not sure if I'll go at it again. Maybe, but then again if anyone wants to produce it, they will change it to make it work for them anyway. So maybe I'll just leave it alone now.  
Thanks again,
Cindy