Revenge by Gary Rademan (grademan) - Short, Thriller - A man mourns the death and rape of his sister. His uncle’s revenge leads to their capture by the killers. - pdf, format

Not a bad effort.

Doesn't seem to fit the criteria very well though IMO.

It's a straight thriller, without any supernatural or sci-fi elements andit contains numerous actions that I would have thought were outside of the capabilities of the software.

I'm not an expert on that, but that's just my opinion.

Quick, early cuts from location to location reveal trying to shoehorn too much story into 12 pages.  The photo-to-drunk driver conversation is so forced that I almost cringed.  Just being honest here.

Then we descend into a weird sort of "Death Wish" territory all too quickly, with the requisite protests from Jake that are instantly quashed.  The scene with Jerry is confusing, and then, suddenly, our guys are prisoner to these thugs with loads of expository backstory.  And from there, this one is kind of all over the place.

First and foremost, this story does not fit the genres, and while sometimes we are lax on that, for this time around, it is paramount.  The other problem, as mentioned, is that you are trying to tell too much story in 12 pages.  All of your characters suffer for that.

This one did not strike any chords with me.  Not bad, really -- and competent, sure -- but I guess perfunctory is the word I am looking for.  It is not the perfect word, but the first that comes to mind.  (Yes, I have been reading "Choke").

So this one gets a C, but mostly for not adhering to the genre specs.

WAY too much story for 12 pages. It felt like chunks were missing, at times --

SPOILERS

-- particularly when suddenly Tom and Jake found themselves captives. That was a bit disorientating. The only reason it made any sense at all was because you'd already revealed it in your logline.

I also agree that there seems to be a lot here that Moviestorm just wouldn't be able to do. Michael said that physical interaction between characters was limited - don't know if the technology can make characters sodomise each other, but I doubt it.

So yeah, while the writing itself was fine, this one just missed the point, for me. It was definitely dark, but it was also bereft of the supernatural, and didn't take ANY of the limitations / requirements into account.

Sorry.

I hate to be the downer here, but this one didn't really work for me. Like some of the other comments point out, it is too much here for 12 pages which also leads me think that you used the "tight" option in your software. I bet if this was set to normal this script would be 13+ pages.

Anyway, I didn't really connect with any of the characters. I felt their sorrow in the beginning, but when the killings started I lost any feelings I had for them.

The bad guys were just a tad too bad and that's a weird thing for me to say since I've written many many torturous scripts myself. Maybe because what the characters said and did seemed to not be fit. Do they just go around and screw anyone? Men and women? This all seems unbelievable without some sort of understanding of the characters. There just wasn't enough characterization in this script for me to care,

The cuts between scenes were IMHO way too many and I think it might come across as jarring to watch on film.

I didn't, however have a problem being a thriller. It was a dark story, with dark minded characters.  

Hope any of this help.  

Hello D,

OK, I am going to stop these 'hellos', they're getting a little tiresome.

The worst sign for this one was that it took me three times to come back and actually get through it. The tone and scope of the writing, especially in the opening, hinted at something longer than a 12-page max 'OWC' script.

Therein lies a fundamental problem, so you're up against it from the word go, really.

However, you did manage to successfully complete the story in that time, but IMO, it was at the expense of suspense, and this killed a decent premise.

Andrew

This one was tough to follow for several reasons.

1) Too much aburpt jumps betweeen scenes without feeling anchored in any of them. Maybe if the story was told linerally it might help it a bit.

2) Too dense for 12 pages. It was crammed way too much with content. A smaller part of the story may have helped.

3) Not only was it crammed, but it was crammed with action. Made for a dense read and crowded white space use.

4) Didn't include the OWC elements.

5) You told us who the killers were on page three!

Advice on OWC: Don't overwrite. Keep it simple. Keep it clean.

Gary (on steroids)

I think you tried to do too much for this one.

While I was able to easily follow it, there were obviously a lot of chunks missing and the dialogue that's used doesn't really do the time lapses any justice.  

One of the main issues here is that I didn't particularly care for the characters or even the action for that matter.  When Eddie and Mack are raping Kate, they actually crack a moderately funny line "How many times have I said...She knows half my name now!  Asshole!"  That shouldn't be there in that kind of scene.

And then Tom goes postal, Jake is just kind of there the rest of the time, and Eddie and Mack are just such bad individuals to the point where I didn't like them as villains.

So, way too much going on for such a short amount of time.  I'll give you major props on effort for trying to work with a story like this, but there's just way too much content for 12 pages.

And was this a nod to Mack the Knife?

Greg

Sex, murder, and... a rusty trombone. All the qualities of a great story. I can't believe I didn't like it. AS been said, way to much jumping around for a 12 pager.

I didn't feel for the chracters because it moved to fast to establish any likable traits.

I won't harp on you for bending the rules as far as genre and abilities of the software. i don't think they could make this, But they won't be able to do mine either so I'm guilty with ya.

Nice job finishing a story in a week. Needs more pages to be fleshed proper.

James

Yeah, afraid I'm on board with everyone else here.

This didn't work for me in any way.  Way too much story and details, poor dialogue (for the most part), clunky action prose, just totally unbelievable.

In terms of dialogue, I was amazed how many times the characters used other characters names...over and over, and over.  People who know each other don't talk like this.  I actually laughed out loud as it kept happening.

The way you structured this, didn't work either.  I have absolutely no problem with non linear scripts, but this jumping back and forth got annoying.  You let us in, as readers, to the jumps by placing a phrase in your Slugs, but that's not going to work in a filmed version.  You'd need SUPERS for this, otherwise, we'd be clueless.

The action you depicted is far too graphic for any medium, really (I'm surprised I'm saying that!), but especially the medium that this challenge called for.  You've got several rape scenes, which obviously aren't going to be filmed, and even a scene in which a guy's shoves his meat into another guy's mouth.  C'mon now, you have to realize this is going way too far, right?

Your action line were very clunky and awkward.  Like the dialogue, it was shocking how often you used character's names...over and over again.  I'd recommend reading a bunch of scripts and figure out how to avoid this, as it's annoying.

I'm not going to say this was terrible, as you obviously attempted something big...and difficult.  It didn't work for me at all, though, nor does it meet the challenge.  Certainly not the worst effort, but it needs alot of attention.

Hope this makes sense and helps.

I've read five scripts so far and the only one that really mentions 'the dark' is a parody!
I didn't like the nasty stuff in this one. The violence seemed to contrive and only in for shock value. A lot the dialogue was forced too.
The formatting was good though, and it had a neat flow to it.

The last two OWC'S, I (and Jeff) have read and reviewed ALL of the entries.

Sad to say, but I don't see myself doing it this time.

This was another that didin't seem machima. Surely a simple mark or something could show the ones that are?

I don't think it's entirely dark but maybe brutal.

You can tighten up the story. You don't need the subplot about Jake's parents being killed by drunk drivers as that plot didn't serve any purpose.

The story took a bit too long to get to the good stuffs. The flashbacks are inserted at the wrong place. You don't need to cut back to the present in between two flashbacks. Makes the read slower.

I'm not too sure about the Jerry character. Is he absolutely necessary? There should be some other way for Tom to find Eddie and Mack.

The cut from Tom's house to the hotel room is too quick. There seems to be a few scenes missing because BOTH Tom and Jake got caught. If only Tom got caught, I'll buy the sudden cut in time. But if both are caught, then it implies something big must have happened in between.

Anyway, not too sure about this one. It's a complete story but found it a bit on the dull side. It's a good work though.

Since the piece is simply titled "Revenge", maybe it could be subtitled "enough sodomy for the entire family!"

Seriously now though, I thought this was surprisingly well-written from the standpoint of the action scenes, brutal though they were (except breezes cannot be filmed blowing across gravestones, which are rigid - trees can rustle in the wind next to graves).

I agree with what's been said here that the dialogue is completely cliche and awkward, and that this piece is obviously a 30 pager shrunk to fit the OWC.

And nice catch on Mack the Knife, Greg - did you notice we also have an Uncle Tom?

(o:

Quoted from ajr And nice catch on Mack the Knife, Greg - did you notice we also have an Uncle Tom?

Actually, I didn't haha.  All sorts of little easter eggs in here.

Greg

A bit too much ass-raping in this one for my liking  

I have to agree that I think the story was a little too ambitious for the challenge here, and needed more than twelve pages.

There were some good lines in here and the writing was decent enough I think.

Considering the size of Jake versus the size of Eddie and Mack I found it tough to believe he would overpower them in a fight.

Overall not a bad effort.

Cheers,
Tim.

This one was really good. It had a nice mix of dialogue and action and visuals to create a cinematic experience. You didn't really tell anything that you couldn't show, and the flashbacks weren't distracting but served to further show instead of tell. I think Tom was a little too bipolar for my taste. Either he's angry or calm. A pot doesn't instantly boil over and so a person's emotions have to build steadily as well. If he's going to be slamming tables, he's got to be upset when he sits down.

I think taking out Jerry was a bit premature, despite Tom's apparent hot-headedness. He had no proof, and relaly, for all intents, he just whacked a random person for no reason other than finding his address on the internet. That's serial killer fodder there. Sure, it gave your plot what it needed to move, but I suspect there is a better way. They could see Jerry on a street corner standing around and tail him or something. Anything other than the randomness that's there.

I thought Tom's fate was appropriate. Revenge ultimately consumes and so would be his comeuppance. It's definitely a dark script. Well done.

Well...three words.  It's dark, ouch.  Not much more to say that hasn't been said.  It's not a Machinima, but you might have the beginning of a full-length feature if you feel this is something you wanna pursue.  There's always a market for a good revenge flick.  But you're gonna have to clean it up if you wanna shop it around to Lit Agents.

Best of luck.

Guys,

Thanks for the reads on Revenge.

I learned what not to do for a writing assignment. I acknowledge all the comments made in analyzing this one: Too much for a 12 page story, brutal, characters not sympathetic, dialogue a little wooden, abrupt scene time transitions, etc.

What's interesting is that I wrote two animation stories before this OWC (Cumbara and The Prince of Coal) and now that I should do it, I went in the opposite direction.

There were some noteworthy comments. Please read them as if they were glowing reviews for bad cinema.

Bert "The photo-to-drunk driver conversation is so forced I almost cringed."

Jonnyboy "...don't know if technology can make characters sodomise each other."

me "The bad guys were just a touch too bad and that's a weird thing to say since I've written  many many torturous scripts myself."

jwent6688 “Sex, murder, and…  a rusty trombone. All the qualities of great story. I can’t believe I didn’t like it.”

Dreamscale “The action you depicted is far too graphic for any medium (I’m surprised I’m saying that!)… C’mon now, you have to realize this is going way too far, right?”

Stevie “I didn’t like the nasty stuff in this one.”

AJR “Enough sodomy for the entire family”



Gary

I think this is an example of plot trying to rule out over character. We basically have complete bad guys doing very bad things and good guys dealing with "the revenge" issue.

Of course, this is a story that is replayed again and again and so in order for us to make a "new" and fresh story out of the revenge scenario, we need something different.

What is that "something different"? That's always the biggest question no matter what the cliche story is that we're going to try and hide and repackage.

In this case, I think we've got "the big story", but really, what's lacking is the intricate things that make the characters tick in a way that is unique to them.

We see Tom, very "written" as tough, aged and toughened by time. The hard type of cast one can get. From his age and lack of tears at the graveside to his dialogue:

TOM
I got news for you buddy boy.
Revenge is for the living.

and

No one gives a shit about dead pervs or dead drunks. Buck up, boy!

TOM
I'm glad I did it! No regrets. At
least, I did something for Kate.

**His dialogue feels so forced in order to paint him in this light, but I guess what we really need is "time". Time to learn why Tom is like this.

A good chunk of the story focuses on the act of the aggression of the bad guys and yet the story lies in the theme of revenge and what it means to seek it.

I don't know. It's like a little secret mystery that's so clear and yet so vague of what transforms the feeling of a story from forced to legitimate, plausible and real.

In this case, logic tells us we should feel sorry for Kate, but again, the violence is overriding on the character. All we know is that Kate was an up and coming star making her debut and she was killed in her prime. I guess we just need more time to get to know her.

One small detail:

They both gaze at a picture frame on the nearby table.

It should be picture and What of?

The intention behind this story is a good one.

Sandra

You were aiming for something big here and for me, it didn't quite come off. It does feel like a longer script and could work if you rewrite it and give yourself as much pages as you need.

It was very dark and disturbing, but I'm okay with that. I don't think there was any doubt that this would never translate to Moviestorm.

I would also agree that most of the dialogue felt forced and awkward and should be looked at if you decide to rewrite.

Anyway, good effort. Could be a good short if you give yourself a few more pages to flesh out your characters.

Brian