Three Strikes, You're Out by Jeff Bush (Dreamscale) - Short, Horror - First comes the love, then comes the marriage, then comes...the infidelity...and bad shit. - pdf, format

Based on the SUPERs, the way the PDF opens (the font and that little list of scenes on the left hand side) and the subject matter, I'm pretty certain I know who wrote this. No, scratch that - I'm completely certain.

I sort-of-liked this, but I think it has a problem structurally, and also I felt at the end like you'd missed an opportunity.

The structural problem, first: I think what bothered me was that the sudden leap back in time wasn't anticipated or set up in any way. You skipped around temporally and had to compensate by using a large number of slugs; the way I see it, if you need to use slugs for every scene set at a different time then their placement needs to be clearer. Hopefully you see what I mean.

SPOILER

And the missed opportunity: as soon as Richard said, "I swear on my daughter's life", I thought: she'll be the one who dies at the end. And then she didn't! Which I was disappointed by. Imagine it: the third question comes, Richard lies, the fingers wags, he shuts his eyes and waits for the pain...but nothing happens. Instead, there's a FLASH from the corridor and a scream O.S. Monica runs into her daughter's bedroom to find her headless...or something. I'd much prefer that ending - Monica thinks she's in control of the demons, but it turns out she isn't.

There I go telling you what to write again. Anyway, this was definitely 'dark' and felt like it fell under 'Horror', so that was good. Don't know if you could do it with Moviestorm, but then I don't know that much about Moviestorm. As an OWC entry it was good.

So well done, whoever you are...

Well from a technical standpoint, this was well written. It flowed nicely and was easy to read.

But the tone of the ending felt out of place with the first nine or ten pages. The supernatural part only eventuated at the end and didn't quite gel with the rest of it IMO.

SPOILERS


So once he has already lost his hand, wouldn't he tell the truth now? Why does he continue to lie (I am assuming he is lying) if he knows he will lose hic dick?

The other thing I wasn't sure about was the scene where Monica goes and buys perfume for their daughter. I feel like maybe I am missing something here, but I don't see how it is related to the story. Does it have something to do with him smelling like perfume?

So I'm guessing that Monica is a witch too, like her sister? And she summoned these creatures? That's what I am getting from it at least.

I think the main problem I had with it was we never actually see Richard doing anything to deserve the punishment he receives. If we see him cheating with Mary then we will feel it is warranted, but did he? Why does he swear on their daughter's life twice if he actually cheated? They actually seemed like a couple who are in love so it just felt a bit out of character at the end there.

But well written though, and an interesting take on infidelity.

Cheers,
Tim.

Yeah, this one's indeed quite clean.

I like the concept, and even the flow, with the jumps in time.  It seems like you may have run out of room and wrapped things up a bit prematurely.  As Jonny said, it seemed like you were playing up something about the daughter, but she never materialized.  Same thing with Lizzy...I was hoping to get to meet her, and I too wonder if Monica is a Wiccan/witch, or if it was all Lizzy's doing.

Interesting take on things and well set up.  Good job.

Ouch.

Well-crafted.  Would've been better, IMO, without some of the cussing.  Seemed out of place and lowered the intelligence-factor of the story.   But good job on picking a subject of infidelity... definitely dark.  Fits the challenge.

I also liked the way the Author off-set the title and put it in bold as a way to mask his identity. Oldest trick in the book   

As for technical criticism, I can help but wonder why the Author isn't properly spacing between action descriptions and slugs.  Could be another tactic to hide himself.

Overall, good job.  

This might be my last review...too much doom and gloom.  I need to go watch a Charlie Brown cartoon or play with a puppy.

Pretty good.

The biggest issue for me was that it seemed like the story came apart at the end.  Not necessarily the supernatural element, but, like, these people are married and they've been married a long time, they're in their 40s so they're mature enough, so why is she so set on dismembering him?  And then he calls her names and stuff.  It just didn't feel like that scene gelled.

Regardless, the writing is top notch and it flowed very smoothly.  Characters were great even if Monica and Richard's relationship wasn't really as it seemed.  And the supernatural element was still well done despite what I said.  Good job.

Greg

This one was okay.

My biggest issue was that I never saw any proof of Richard cheating so to me he was punished for something he had not done. He didn't even try to come clean and confess even when he was losing body parts.

Their relationship seemed too good to turn so dark in the end.

The whole Christmas party thing didn't really do anything for me. Mary is really hot and shy, but none of her actions or dialogue suggests any of that. She even insult Monica and she has her hand on Richard's shoulder. That scene definitely needs a rewrite.

I too wished that the daughter had died in the end. Good price to pay for both of them. Monica evil and Richard cheating...if indeed he did.

The writing itself was good.

Some of the dialogue, especially Monica's didn't seem very real to me.

Still a good job though. It was an easy read.  

Good clean work here. Impressive for a weeks time.

I really felt it lacked some tension or erie-ness to it. It wasn't very dark IMO. Kudos on the limbs disappearing in a flash. That could probably be able to be done on moviestorm.

This flowed well, Very quick read. Definitely one of the better entries I've read.

James

This script seemed very disjointed.  The jumps in time were confusing and distracting, IMO.  You set the scene well with the nightmare(which was right out of "The Dark" concept reel, I believe.)  Way too much time was wasted on those earlier scenes at the Christmas party.  Those scenes just didn't do anything to advance the plot or create tension.

But on the plus side, the dialogue flowed and your formatting was good.  It definitely seemed like you ran out of space at the end, which is a shame.  As I said, I think you wasted too much precious space on those earlier scenes when you could have been building suspense in the present.

Like everyone else has stated, crisp and clean writing here.

The way the story kept building, I was on the edge of my seat, waiting for something to happen, and I'm sorry to say that I felt let down by the ending.

I did like that she had "the three" with her at the end, but I think maybe that's where you could have ended it, and done it in a creepy way. Maybe have one walk into the room, then the other, then the other all while he is watching and tied up. ??? Then black and he screams. ???    

I also think you should have shown him cheating cos' as it stands right now I felt bad for him and thought maybe it was just her imagination.

Oh, and aren't Wiccans peaceful individuals who are always misunderstood by those who aren't Wiccan?

Yep, I think so.

I don't like to see Wiccans put into a bad light. Even if it is in the dark.  

You may want to have her sister as someone who practices Black Magic.  

Good for a OWC, just needs some fine tuning.  
And I'd love to read the rewrite.

Cindy

Yeah, this was a good one! Pretty sure I know who it is, simply by the software!

Some shades of comedy throughout this. mixed with infidelity, a bit of torture, etc.

The ending was a bit of a letdown, though there aren't too many other ways I spose. killing the daughter would've been a bit contrived to me. maybe the author will think of something.
Formatting excellent(more clues) though the flashback supers should read 'earlier' instead of 'ago'.

Too the writer...

Can't fault your writing.  I thought this fit in the scope of the challenge nicely.  I'm mixed on the x-mas party.  I'd trim some of it.  To be honest, I didn't care too much for the ending.

Over all good Job

Ghostwriter

I like this story a lot.  I think it's biggest problem is it suffers fromnot enough pages.  I also think because of that limitation the writer had to sacrifice making the story more dimensional and connected.

I would like to know more of the backend of the story.  I didn't have a problem with the jumping into the past and bringing it forward.  I do think this has a definite style and feel of someone in particular

Here's my take.

Richard was a "cheater" and he had a history with that from what I read.  The perfume was definitely an aspect that I wish had been played out with Richard...in a wicked, seductive way...he was so caught with his pants down...in some ways...but maybe there was or could be a twist...that things were coincidental...maybe he bought the perfume for his daughter...but thosew nasty coincidentals lined up...so Monica was sure she was right.  

Maybe in a longer piece the sister could be in the story with a horrific interaction between her and Richard to establish their less that friendly relationship...

In the end...I would like the daughter to be killed too but because and here's the wicked twist...Monica says she swears on her daughyter's life that she is completely 100% sure Richard is a cheater...  There in is the rub...the daughter is killed because Monica is wrong and all of this is for "nothing"...but the sheer madness of assumption.  

Excellent writing...great effort and I'd like to see this one written as a feature because I think the general aspect of the story could be really intriguing.

MBCGirl

It's well written and a good idea but not overly original... Haven't surprised me, I saw the end a mile away. And maybe it's just me or maybe you gave the idea away on the first pages, showing the three figures and kind of exposing Dick's affair with Mare.

I also thought that you could work on dialog a bit because it gives away a plot too fast.

Love me...

Give me love...

Give me love food...

Give me love, so that I can...kill...

Give me love, because I can...kill...

The title of the script reminded me of an old King Tee track that has the a woman whispering off some really wicked shit in the opening - and, funnily enough, it kinda suited the tone of this script. I'm pretty sure it's sampled from somewhere, I just haven't been able to figure out where.

Anyhoo -

The script was well written, fairly tight, very clean. The story though...hmmm, I'm not a fan of these types of "torture" endings - especially not when it was telegraphed very early on. Biggest problem though is the fact that it is never made clear whether Richard is indeed cheating or not. The signs are definitely there but after losing a hand you would think he would come clean if he really had cheated. So in the end, a possibly innocent man is tortured and, as a payoff, there's nothing cool about it.

Pia is absolutely right about Mary, her description doesn't add up with her actions. I would personally trim that scene a lot, it's just way too long and fairly uneventful. Get in late, leave early. Another thing, you should consider actually showing the first dream instead of having Richard telling Monica about it. I don't think it's gonna take up more space than what's already used and as a added bonus, you'll get rid of the talking heads scene.

Well written, but not my cup of tea.