I liked it.

Very clean read but the story lost it's grip around the middle with the introduction of The Mare. It didn't clear up for me until the baseball game began.

The opening scene was necessary but wakng up from a bad dream? Done all too often.

I would have liked to see a quick flash between Mary's game and Dick's game.

Where did the hatred come from? Not much emotion around the statement "Once bitten, twice shy."

The disappearing limbs was cool.

Swearing on his daughter's life - a little repetitive.

Gary

This was ok.  

The dream sequesnce is just cheesy, and leaves no surprise at the end.

The Xmas party is way too long for a piece this short.  ANd to be honest you could probably cut it altogehter.  just have another clue that Monica picks up on.

And the ending is really unbelievable.  After losing his hand and foot, he would confess to starting the Chicago fire, even if it wasn't necessarily so.

IT has it's issues, but it's a good effort for a first draft written in a week.

This for me was not very dark. It almost seemed like the scenes could be part of a larger piece. Also a little expository in the dialogue in spots. And not sure what the scene at the perfume counter added?

The author spent the better part of two pages at the cocktail party (and introduced multiple characters) all to establish whether or not Richard was cheating with Mary. (Also, how does "Mare" rhyme with Mary?). I think an image of Monica seething as Richard talks to Mary would have been enough there. Maybe Richard brings her back to the table and introduces her to Monica, just so we know her name.

Also, someone mentioned earlier about wiccans being peaceful. I think a good twist on this would have been... SPOILERS

To have Richard THINK Lizzy was a wiccan, but all along she practiced black magic (as suggested earlier), as does Monica.

I think the author tried hard not to reveal Monica's involvement with the 3 hooded figures, to the point where Monica almost comes off as a sappy, acquiescing spouse. Thus her turn at the end feels jarring. I think it's okay to see Monica do a slow boil - after all, we've guessed that Richard's a cheater, and we know the three hooded figures are gonna put a whoopin' on him somehow - the mystery is the "how", not the what.

Also, a little blip in the opening, where Monica blows out the candles and then gets into bed - but the candles are in the bathroom?

And I'm not a big fans of commas in titles, so I would have named this simply "Three Strikes" - adding "You're Out" all but spells out the comeuppance.

I kind of liked this one all the way up to the ending. I was suspecting a terrible misunderstanding to be coming up, but instead, you played it predicatably from end to end. The plausibility breaks down at the bed at the end. The burning straps are cool. I'm not knocking those, but how Richard would act. Clearly, Monica knows what's going on. He's just lost his hand and foot, so clearly whether he is guilty or not, he's losing here. Personally, I'd admit it at that point. Hell, I would admit it after the hand. I'd be admitting it even if I didn't do it.

You mention the daughter a couple of times, but I missed how old she is and where she even exists through this whole thing other than in the dialogue. You have a non-existant and kind of pointless character. How about that?

But that brings me to the other point here. She is convinced, and the game is going on at the other woman's house, but despite all her establishments, how does she know for certain. In the movie world, there's supposed to be that big question mark to make you wonder. The predictable should be tossed out the window, and we need to consider whether he actually slept with the Mare. Why is Monica so certain? The perfume? Inconclusive and/or circumstantial. The pics around the office? Inconclusive. Basically, there's still no proof as far as I'm concerned. I wanted the twist at the end and you cheated me out of that and delivered a predicatable ending.

This one could have been better, but it wasn't.

Not bad.

I think I know who wrote this. It's well written.

I think it lacks a bang at the end and I think other readers have already commented on a cool way to fix that: have it so that the baby dies.

I think you've set up that he WAS cheating effectively enough. It's subtle, but it's there. However it COULD be purely innocent. We assume that he has cheated (or at least the strength of Monica's belief is strong enough to be convincing), so when he hasn't and the kid dies, it would strenghten the ending plus make quite an interesting point about jumping to conclusions.

Hey everybody, thanks for the reads and feedback.  Always appreciated.

Instead of responding to each and every reviewer here, I’m just going to give a little info on what I was going after here, what happened, what went wrong, and what should have been.

As usual, I ran out of pages quite early on, actually.  I was forced to cut several short scenes that were pretty important.  I incorrectly decided to keep 2 scenes that weren’t as important to the overall story, and also ran a bit long as well.  My choice was based on the fact that the short cut scenes still took up way to much space, based on the facts that a short scene still takes up a good deal of space because of Slugs and blank lines.  I should have gotten rid of the damn “FADE IN” and “FADE OUT”, too.

The Christmas party scene was too long and had too many characters.  In the rewrite, Monica is talking to only 1 woman, while Richard is drooling over The Mare, and Bob Eastman is gone as well.  It saves a full page at least, and will read more smoothly, and also get the point across a bit better.

The scene at Dillards is also getting a big cut back.  It just goes on too long and doesn’t get the point across I was after.  Another ½ page will be shaved off here.

Here’s what didn’t make the final cut, but needed to, in no particular order…

First of all, Richard was cheating and had a long history of it throughout their marriage.  First time he cheated was when Monica was pregnant with their daughter (who is away at college, BTW).  This needed to be much more clear, but it required a few lines of dialogue that got cut.

In the last scene, Monica brings in a pot of liquid into the bedroom with 3 burning candles. The liquid was a potion she and her sister, Lizzy made up.  It consisted of The Mare’s perfume (which was indeed what Monica smelled on Richard when he lied about using her soap), some secret ingredients, and a lump of Richard’s hair.  There was a scene in which Richard asks Monica is he’s going bald or something, and she says it looks like he got a bad haircut, as an obvious bunch of hair has been cut off.

There was also a scene at the end, in which it’s shown that The Mare told the truth and walked away unscathed.  There was a good possibility that their daughter was going to die, based on Richard’s constant swearing on her life, but since she was never intro’d, it had to be cut as well.

The last scene with the hooded figures was also cut back.  Originally there was more dialogue and tension, and some more info was revealed.

I still like the concept here and also like the back and forth time line, but I obviously made some wrong choices on what to cut and what to keep…not sure what I was thinking, and I apologize for messing this up and leaving people wondering what the Hell was going on.

I’m surprised no one commented on the (IMO) funny lines Monica uses near the very end…

“Well, last question, Dick. Don't get this one wrong, or you're little friend won't be calling you Dick anymore...more like Dick-less.
(laughing)
Have you stuck that cock of yours inside that whore? Think it over, sweetest. Don't lie to me.”

I was laughing my ass off over that.  Well, at least I can amuse myself!

Thanks again, everyone.  Another great OWC!

Jeff,

Everything has been touched upon, I think.

This script screamed Jeff, really, with the torture and all. Of your scripts, this was actually my favourite, as it goes.

In places, the dialogue felt natural and jovial, but that was the problem - for the largest part, the script was light and comic, so it was quite jarring when you spliced it with the torture scene, which also lacked that 'dark' quality, so for me, this totally missed the theme set.

The logic of how the wife was able to summon the demons - I assume it was the sister - felt fuzzy, and if played out on screen, this would probably fall into comedy/horror territory, which is not my thing at all. That said, I loved alffy's 'Pub Lunch', which you didn't, so there is the basic problem, we just see things in such different ways.

Decent enough, but the tone of the piece and the too comic torture scene unravelled the script.

Andrew

Jeff,

Your post seems to have explained a lot of things for me. I do think the scenes you were forced to cut hurt this in a big way. Don't get me wrong, It's still enjoyable, and I would be surprised if anyone who read this the past week didn't immediantly know this was yours.

I would also agree with others that he would have told the truth for sure on the third question. I never thought about it at the time, but reading the comments, the ideas with the daughter in the end could work really well. Maybe something to look into.

Good work, I just think this would work much better with more pages than the 12 you had to work with here.

Brian

Hey Dreamscale

I liked the flow till the end. I think you should rewrite this and enter those scenes you found critical especially for explaining the three hooded figures.

Other than that, I didn't find it that dark according to the guidelines but its a good story.

Gabe

Yo Jeff. I liked this one a lot. As you know, I'm a big fan of the slow burn so I was intrigued by all the backward dealings and shaky trust preceding the finale. I knew it was setting up for something. As for that something... I loved the ending. You could've totally copped out here and had Monica chop off Richard's limbs with a cleaver or something. It would've been a satisfying ending but mundane, played out and not completely unexpected. I think the supernatural element really made great what could've been a pretty standard gore scene, especially with the candles and lightning and such. I also appreciated the fact that the creatures' origins are never revealed. The whole thing was very Clive Barker-esque, mixing sex and relationships with the supernatural and such. I don't think it's a good thing to constantly compare one's work to another's but Barker's one of my favorites and extremely difficult to emulate so please take this as a compliment.

Good job, dude!

Jeff

Apologies for taking so long to read and feed this.

I haven’t looked over any of the other comments so I may repeat what’s already been said.

Given that one of the primary tenets of the OWC challenge is unbiased anonymity, you might think about, just for the OWC scripts mind you, to take off the page tabs flanking the left side of the page. I’ve only ever seen them in your scripts so people are probably gonna cop it straight away that they are reading your entry.

Anyway, on to the script. I had mixed feelings on this one. To be fair this looked one of the most restrictive challenges yet according to the genre and theme post so the confines must be taken into consideration when judging the work. I have only seen a couple of the Machinima productions before but I have an idea of what they’re about.

The biggest problem was the ending. (I bet you a thousand buck you weren’t expecting that angle ) I remember you saying to me on a pm that you had to nix two scenes regrettably, such being the continuing trend of the OWC it seems. I remember you had to do a similar scissor job with your Halloween script too which is a shame, as I think both suffer greatly (I‘m presuming here since I’ve never read the completed drafts) each conclusion feels very truncated, cut short.

With this and the Halloween script you set up interesting stories that have held my interest, kept me involved and reading up until the end before the they do…well… end and I’m left thinking “What!?, Where’s the rest!?”. You’ll know from reading some of my scripts that I’m all for open-endedness when I think (not all agree of course) it fits the story. This doesn’t seem to be the case here, you really had to wrap things up very quickly whereby you’re forced to cram everything into the last three pages. I know you’re a man who like his torture (in films only I may add…and hope), and would’ve dearly loved an extended final sequence to really wallow in the vengeance rather then breeze through it so quickly and workmanlike as we see here.

So what do we know once FADE OUT: appears at the end of the page 12? What was this about and more importantly, how was it told.

Lets summarize the story into what I see as the key sequences:

Seq 1 – 1st bad dream

Seq 2 – 2nd bad dream

So far so good, I really liked the opening to this, got me into the scheme of things straight away. Sets thing up quickly and effectively in that we got a troubled protagonist plagued by reoccurring guilt ridden nightmares, and his loving reassuring wife by his side. Since the logline was rather too explicit for my liking I know there is conflict afoot and the supportive bond we see between these two has its days numbered thus I’m keen to see what’s gonna happen or in this case, what has happened already.

Seq 3 – 1st flashback, Christmas party

You go back in time three months, to give us the first “crumb” if you will, of Richard’s possible infidelity. This again was a good scene, I loved the guys referring to Mary as the “The Mare” as believe it or not, I have an acquaintance who goes by the same handle, albeit it’s a he and for different reasons as stated in the script.

Good tension in the scene with Monica, Mary and Richard, it’s difficult to know what’s going on, who’s playing who, all three are cool customers, not giving too much away and it’s great, it really worked for me. The obviously provocative innuendo of The Mare calling him dick gave me a laugh too whilst cranking up the tension between all three  

The only criticism is that it went on maybe a tad too long, we’re on page 6 now, half way through. I realise the scene wouldn’t carry the same weight or drama if you didn’t pace it way you did, as always its finding that balance particularly in this 12 page cap scenario.

Still, things are moving along nicely, let’s read on.

Seq 4 – 2nd flashback, Perfume on Richard

Now we know that Monica is definitely suspicious, no question. We know that Richard has strayed before and on the basis of body language and facial expression he is definitely hiding something here. I love how Monica almost nonchalantly expresses in a typically off-hand way true to her character so far that she doesn’t really believe him with the line “You did, huh? That’s the story?

These two flashbacks made me go back to the opening dream scenes and see was there anything that Monica done or said to imply a less then genuine affection for her addled husband but I couldn’t see anything. They do take place 3 months and 1 month respectively after the two flashbacks so I was thinking by then that she must have her mind made up or set the wheels in motion for her revenge (again the logline told me waaaay to much)

Seq 5 – Department store

This is where I got a little confused and the piece got away from me a bit, unfortunately, for me, it never really came back.

At first I wasn’t sure what the significance of this scene was. I got the perfume connection but wondered why she was buying this particular brand of perfume, yes, very slow on the uptake. So my belief is that Monica is buying the perfume she smelled on Richard in the previous scene on the presumption that it belongs to Mary a.k.a The Mare!

Next on my mind was why was she doing this? Knowing the ending I’m still not sure, is it for her wicca practicing sister to use in her “game”? Is this part of the ritual, that one requires an element of the victim you are torturing for the spell to work, I don’t know, we are not told.


Seq 6 – Bondage(d) torture flavoured Jeffisms

So now we on to the final sequence where Monica exacts her revenge on her supposedly cheating husband. At her mercy, he’s asked three questions which I take it there are no right answers to. Say yes and she she’ll incur her wrath out of anger and betrayal. Deny everything and…well we know what happens then.

Where did the hooded figures come out of, who they? I know they are the same entities from his dreams but are we to believe that Lizzy summoned them into real life? Or has Monica?

I mean, up on till now the story was of this world, no hocus pocus, no supernatural or paranormal goings on, right? Then all of a sudden we got these guys firing lasers from their fingertips, invisible shackles and what’s more we’re not told where they’ve come from.

I you put a gun to my head I would say that Richard is cheating but I’m not a 100% about it either. Besides him flirting with Mary at the Christmas and the scent of perfume on him (which is the oldest cliché in the book, by the way) we are not told much else so I’m left in doubts. I would’ve preferred some concrete proof that only Monica and the reader were privy to which put us firmly on her side. The way you have, I don’t know what to think. Maybe that’s your intention, if so, that’s cool but this is one of the reasons why the pagan (of sorts) execution of Richard’s limbs and member comes so out of the blue and unprecedented. It felt like we needed to know more about their relationship before being treated to this final showdown.

Would I be wrong in saying those 2 deleted scenes happened somewhere after  sequences 4 and before sequence 6? It came off like a big junk of the story was missing there.

To be more specific, I think the biggest issue in the piece is the all influencing yet totally absent character of Lizzy. Sure, she is mentioned early for an anticipated set-up and payoff but all we are told is that she is over in Mary’s house getting her abracadabra on, exacting a revenge we don’t get to see. The perfume plot device is not heard nor mentioned of again unless, as I said above, Lizzy is using it in her thing at Mary’s. But how are we to know this? We’re not informed, I’m merely guessing here.

Are we to think that Monica is a witch too? This is all her doing, Does it run in the family, is wicca hereditary? After reading it I believe that Lizzy has orchestrated the whole thing from informing Richard’s reoccurring dreams with these hooded men to the actual presence of them, in the flesh complete with nasty fingertips while Monica “oversees things” where Richard is concerned. Monica does say she lied about Lizzy coming over, that she is already here so they must have planned something but all this is speculative on my part  as I don’t know for sure what is really happening from pages 9-12. There’s just so much unexplained sh?t going on.

I am genuinely into the story here, Jeff, great start and set-up but after that I don’t know what to think. To sum it up, it feels like a story that has the second half of the 2nd act jettisoned, if you know what I mean? You got your first act of the husband and his troubled dreams, we see the potential for him playing away from home with the arrival of Mary at his workplace, which provides the fuel for his “scolding” nightmares…and then we jump to the eventual consequences via the wife’s downright sadistic revenge with a little help from some bada?s druids. The only explanation for this medieval-ish paranormal turn of events is Lizzy but we never get to actually meet her, you see my problem?

If I’m completely missing the point here fill me in, I’m really interested to know your intentions?


Other stuff (predominately immaterial):

Very surprised you used a different font for the title, I mean very, very, very, very, very, very very, very, very surprised, not like you at all, man, to veer from protocol. But am I bothered? Nah.

Is Monica holding a candle when she enters from the bathroom? There is no line to indicate her leaving it down, just her blowing it out. I wondered was it actually in the bathroom itself since we first see its glow when she opens the door. It confused me the way it was written.

Pg 5 -- No need for a comma before the “and heads over” at the top of the page. In fact, you could lose the “and” and keep the comma, both aren’t necessary.

No need for the comma in the line below it either.

As I said I love the “The Mare” nickname

Pg 7 – Drop the comma after “eye” before “as”

Pg 9 – What’s the liquid in the pot, some concoction involving the perfume?

Pg 12 – Drop the comma after “forehead” and “as”

Col.