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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    February, 2010 One Week Challenge  ›  OWC - The Ass Spider *
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  Author    OWC - The Ass Spider *  (currently 5432 views)
Don
Posted: February 14th, 2010, 10:29pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Ass Spider by Greg Baldwin - Short, Science Fiction, Thriller - The saying "I've got butterflies in my stomach" takes on a whole new meaning. - pdf, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

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Don  -  February 21st, 2010, 2:34pm
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Dreamscale
Posted: February 14th, 2010, 11:25pm Report to Moderator
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Well, this is truly disgusting and disturbing, but you really blew it by going for some sort of stupid joke at the end.

Why are there so many gay themed entries this time around?

Not sure what to say here, cause it's almost like you wrote this as a joke, but you shouldn't have. It was working...maybe you gave up or just didn't know where to go with it.

As it is now, it doesn't work for me.  If you want it to, you need to write it in a serious manner and take out all the ridiculous and over the top shit.  It doesn't go anywhere, as it is, and that's a shame, but I bet you realize that already.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Seth
Posted: February 14th, 2010, 11:44pm Report to Moderator
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Points for originality! As for making it more serious, it's a story about a bug coming out of someone's ass! Minus the humor, I doubt it'd work at all.

Thinking about it, a more serious approach might be even more funny!

This was, in it's own weird little way, entertaining.


Scripts

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And Sweetie XD


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Zack
Posted: February 15th, 2010, 12:21am Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right. Get it written.

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I liked this one. It was funny, sure, but it was also frightening. I scared to poop now! Haha.

I was disappointed with the end though. You had just established a great setup, the anal sex, and you completely wasted it. I was expecting, and kinda hoping, the Doctor would force Zag to have sex with him so that his butt would be loose enough for the bug. That would have been a much better ending.

8/10

~Zack~


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screenrider
Posted: February 15th, 2010, 12:41am Report to Moderator
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Yeah...

How did Robotard 3000 get into this OWC?   This script is clearly designed to piss off guys like Dreamscale.   I got a good chuckle, though.   From a technical standpoint it was a well-written.  Easy read.  I equate it to Andy Kaufman's alter ego, Tony Clifton.  An SS prank.

Pure genius.

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Don  -  February 15th, 2010, 11:46am
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bert
Posted: February 15th, 2010, 9:13am Report to Moderator
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What marketing!  I love this title, and ran to it as soon as I logged in.  A real attention-grabber. Horrific and funny at the same time.

As for the story, we spend too long with Zag in the bathroom up front.  I would probably cut that by half, starting with half of his repetitive dialogue.

The explanation from Dr. Cucamonga is patently absurd, which is fine for this absurdist piece.  Nobody is expecting hard science here.  But, again, the dialogue here could really use a trim.  Far too many words.

For their dialogue here, the author is encouraged to select the best, lose the rest.

And the ending did not work for me.  Too far out of left field, and not really connected to the story at hand.  I would have preferred that you stuck with the Doctor and resolved his dilemma.

But good stuff overall.  Palahniuk meets Kafka.  A-


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Angry Bear
Posted: February 15th, 2010, 9:34am Report to Moderator
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This one wasn't really for me.

The writing was fine, but too much explaining from the doc who btw, didn't talk like a doctor at all.

The ending didn't work for me either.

I would have preferred to see some good reason why they are coming out now. Something perhaps that we humans are doing on this planet that trigger these bugs return.

I also think this would work better if played totally straight faced or dead pan. That would have made it funnier in my book.


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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: February 15th, 2010, 9:40am Report to Moderator
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It's Ok for a silly little story.

"Stomach Bug" would have been a more fitting title.

The major problem with it is that the whole thing is just exposition. Just two talking heads in a Doctors Office.

It reads well enough, but it would make a very dull film.

For a B Movie, it's not bad material. Kind of like aliens with a prehistoric creature, rather than extraterrestrial.

I realise this is just a joke, but it would have some potential for a low-budget horror if it was developed.
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Trojan
Posted: February 15th, 2010, 10:12am Report to Moderator
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I'm not sure if this is meant to be a serious entry or not. Weird subject matter and little in the way of story. It's 90% dialogue, most of which is excessively long.

I also was expecting the doctor to try to convince Zag to have sex with him. A lot of ass-fucking references in this OWC, how many entries did Unasking submit?

Didn't like the ending either, seemed like an anti-climax. Not much else to say on this one really.

Cheers,
Tim.
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jwent6688
Posted: February 15th, 2010, 11:52am Report to Moderator
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If your gonna go gay be proud and go full gay. You should've had Zag clean out ol doc's pipes for him there at the end. then you could flash forward 10 yrs and all the guys on the street would be walking around in ass-less Chaps cuz all the straight people died. At least that would've been funny. This was obviously not a serious entry.


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sniper
Posted: February 15th, 2010, 2:38pm Report to Moderator
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I thought this was pretty funny for what it was. Okay, you really have to stretch it to fit the theme and genre but it was entertaining. Felt sort of like a sequel to Stephen Kings Dreamcatcher. Sort of.


Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
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Angry Bear
Posted: February 15th, 2010, 2:53pm Report to Moderator
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dreamcatcher actually popped into my head while I was reading this script.

Here's a compliment for this writer. Dreamcatcher is the only book I've never managed to finish of all King books and I'm a huge fan! I honestly enjoyed your script better. How about that? I liked your stuff better than my favorite author Stephen King!  


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sniper
Posted: February 15th, 2010, 2:55pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Angry Bear
dreamcatcher actually popped into my head

As long as it didn't pop out of your ass...



Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
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Blakkwolfe
Posted: February 15th, 2010, 5:11pm Report to Moderator
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So, on one end of the scale we have Sisyphus struggling against the gods, and at the other end? Zag and a whole lot of bran based products. Reminds me of them Habenero Olives someone picked up in Baker, CA from a guy selling them out the back of his station wagon...


Shock value type shtick and not a whole lot else..


Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently - Dove Chocolate Wrapper
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stevie
Posted: February 15th, 2010, 7:15pm Report to Moderator
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IMHO, Dreamcatcher is one of Kingie's worst! Stated well but became a load of shit.

This script? Great premise but parts of it took the joke along for too long. The wrtingstyle was very good.

That doctor's name, Cucamonga? It rang a bell. I'm sure it was in the Halloween OWC? But I can't recall who wrote that one.

Anyway, there's no mention of 'the dark' so it stands with 'The Dark' for comedic value.


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