2nd Draft
American Cannibal by Steven Wood - Short, Cannibal Horror - A wealthy business man shares his new diet with colleagues. 12 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

1st Draft
American Cannibal by Steven Wood - Short, Cannibal Horror - After not taken seriously when confessing to a string of horrendous murders, this business man tries his hand at cooking. 11 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

I just noticed I let a couple of typo's get through, damnit.

Love the title ...the logline reads good too...

No FADE IN ..doesn't bother me too bad but some it will.

Just want to mention and this is just my opinion, but things are overly described: lacquered slick white,  leather-wrapped captain's chair, etc. For me it slows the read a bit and makes the writing feel heavy. I find myself asking questions like is the NM dinnerware the same as the Versace? I want to watch this visually as I read it. And then after the description, the character says something about the high end silverware.

The dialogue was really good between the guys the last third of the script.

Why does he eat people? To get ahead in business? And why the hooker? Inviting her over for dinner instead of sex would be a neat take ...and why dinner...because she IS going to be the dinner maybe. Just thinking out loud about each character.

At the end, I am surprised the guys didn't get more crazy when they found the finger and started believing his story. You may want to have them start coughing up foam as if poisoned about the minute they realize they are in their with a cannibal. I mean he may want to kill them now that he's confessed.

Pretty good story. Cannibals. Uck ... creep me out. Good job on this.

Quoted from Pale Yellow Love the title ...the logline reads good too... No FADE IN ..doesn't bother me too bad but some it will. Just want to mention and this is just my opinion, but things are overly described: lacquered slick white,  leather-wrapped captain's chair, etc. For me it slows the read a bit and makes the writing feel heavy. I find myself asking questions like is the NM dinnerware the same as the Versace? I want to watch this visually as I read it. And then after the description, the character says something about the high end silverware. The dialogue was really good between the guys the last third of the script. Why does he eat people? To get ahead in business? And why the hooker? Inviting her over for dinner instead of sex would be a neat take ...and why dinner...because she IS going to be the dinner maybe. Just thinking out loud about each character. At the end, I am surprised the guys didn't get more crazy when they found the finger and started believing his story. You may want to have them start coughing up foam as if poisoned about the minute they realize they are in their with a cannibal. I mean he may want to kill them now that he's confessed. Pretty good story. Cannibals. Uck ... creep me out. Good job on this.

Have you seen American Psycho? I wanted to emulate Patrick Bateman's voice. He needlessly brings up brand names when referring to things. In the movie, he goes over his morning routine and talks about this and that moisturizer/shampoo/soap and gives specific yet needless details. All of it was done through voice-over, so that's what I did.

Notice that in the action lines, I don't bring up the brand names, but he does. I say "wine" he says cabernet sauvignon, for example. I dunno, I always liked his voice and wanted to try my hand at it.

I don't have an answer with the hooker. I wrote this out in the course of a couple of hours. I was going to have him kill/eat her but then I wanted to include his work friends from the movie (the guys toward the end). But yea, I don't have a justification for the hooker except that he was turned off by how she tasted when in bed. Maybe he would have killed her if she tasted good?

As for the guys not really being turned off by the hand/finger, that's just another aspect of American Psycho. He admitted to killing numerous people, including Paul Allen (the guy they're eating) but no one believed him, and just dismissed it as confused identity (I had dinner with Paul in London, for example, if you've seen the movie).

So yea, you go into this with the assumption that you've seen and can appreciate American Psycho. That's my fault.

Oh shoot! That is why I didn't get some of it. I haven't seen American Psycho! Sorry. I am sure most others will totally get this. I need to spend more time watching movies and less stuck in an office working!

Quoted from Pale Yellow Oh shoot! That is why I didn't get some of it. I haven't seen American Psycho! Sorry. I am sure most others will totally get this. I need to spend more time watching movies and less stuck in an office working!

That's a movie you absolutely need to see. I'm probably going to keep this story and make it into something longer. I'll just give the characters different names and not use Pierce & Pierce as a place of work, since it's part of American Psycho.

A) I have never seen American Psycho but I know enough of it to know you nailed Bateman very well.  I'm not a huge fan of people doing "fan fic" with other properties but this is the proper way to do it. I very much feel this script could have been a scene from the original movie.

B) That extends to the writing as a whole. This was quite well written and the attention to all the material goods is exactly how I would picture a script about this character to be. Kudos.

C) The opening is also quite strong. The first scene of Bateman eating alone and the prostitute read extremely well. I could not have written in all those fancy details about wine country, exotic ingredients etc.

However if the reader is unfamiliar with the original movie this could be a hard read as you jump right into Bateman's character and setting without any real explanation. Also, the end falls flat after a strong start. This issue is there is no conflict. No goal. What is the point of him inviting the guys over for dinner only to gross them out? You need a hook of some kind to drive the story forward. Maybe tie it into Paul's office somehow? Bateman wants Paul's office and this is a way to create a vacancy?

Despite that, really solid effort. You actually are making me want to see the original film now. That should tell you something. Well done.

Thanks a lot. This is my first time writing something for an existing universe, and I think it's a little bit of a cheat since I had a unique voice to take from.

But besides that, I think I'm going to use this as a basis for an original story. I'll change the names and the work place, but that's about it.

Paul Allen was Jared Leto's character who got chopped up with an ax in the movie. I think how I mentioned him was enough so even someone who hasn't seen the movie would know this. But in the movie, Patrick Bateman is mistaken for Paul Allen on occasion (a very common theme in the movie). Paul is also slightly "better" than Patrick. They have the same exact title at their workplace, and have the same haircut.

The "point" of this was to have Patrick invite the guys over (they're other characters from the movie by the way) and introduce them to his new diet. What I should have done was go an extra page or so, and show them reluctantly trying the head meat and liking it. Maybe not because they liked the taste, but in this world, these guys do whatever is "in" at the given moment.

Uniformity, and mistaken identity caused by uniformity is an underlying theme of American Psycho.

Yeah I was expecting at least one to eat it and say it was actually good or have him chop them all up next. It ended very abruptly on the head reveal. Strong script.

If I stick this thing out, I'll scrap the fact that he was a murderer before. But I'll have to come up with an idea on how he gets his victims and what he does with the carcasses afterwards.

I’ll look past the blocks of action b/c American Psycho is one of the best movies ever made, and Patrick Bateman is one of the best characters of all time… let’s see if you can write in his voice.

Ok, prepare for nitpicks.  You were flowing, until the last sentence in the first dialogue passage.  Not sure he’d say “I can buy more if I need to.”  He exuded wealth, but I’m not sure he ever really spoke about it like that. That almost feels too braggadocios.  Am I wrong here?  Maybe.  I’ve never read the book.

Oh man, I’m already going overboard on the nitpicks...  The dialogue is fine, but I feel like it should be over a series of shots of him actually cooking.    You don’t have to show, and thus spoil the reveal of the meat, just have his voice over the meticulous preparation.

Kill that “it” orphan.  Delete the word “around” and you’re back to 2 lines.

“It’s all the same.”  I like the disgusted look, but an inner thoughts voiceover there would have been perfect.

The banter between the guys reads authentic.  

Was worried you weren’t gonna mention Dorsia.

This kinda ruins the ambiguous (or so it’s supposed to be) ending of the movie.

I could see Jared Leto going method to play a charred, cooked decapitated head.

Not bad overall.  Few typos, bit overwritten, probably can use a Bateman brushover in a few spots, but I would like anything that references that movie.

It's been ages since I last watched American Psycho and I can't remember how it ended. Does this pick up from the first?

Regardless, I could visualize everything in detail. I've been accused of overwriting many times and this seems overwritten to me. Perhaps just saying 'high end' flatware instead of all the real manufacturers as it may not mean a thing to a lot of people. I like to think I've been around but I didn't recognize some of the names.

A few typos and missing words but it's a draft.

Where does it go from your ending?

Good work. I'll look forward to the revision!

The writing is decent enough but I feel like you're missing a lot of the magic that made the movie work. Well, I can only say what made it work for me. In the movie, I liked the internal struggle where he's dealing with a loss of identity, an awareness that he's becoming unmoored. He struggles with it to the point where you can't tell if he has any grip on reality at all.

That struggle, that tension, was what made every scene go. For example, the first scene where he's alone in his apartment and he's doing a voice-over of his daily routine, this is the last line:

BATEMAN (V.O.)
There is an idea of a Patrick Bateman, some
kind of abstraction, but there is no real me, only an
entity, something illusory, and though I can hide my cold
gaze and you can shake my hand and feel flesh gripping you
and maybe you can even sense our lifestyles are probably
comparable: I simply am not there.

That, to me, is the really interesting thing. The rest was just him listing a bunch of rich people stuff to suggest he's superficial. But that last line is a lot more complex.  

If you look at your first scene in the apartment, it's just him going on and on about food and wine. You're missing that something more. Something that gives me a deeper understanding of the character and his struggle.

The whole script really is missing that tension. When he's with the prostitute, there doesn't seem to be any doubt or uncertainty in him. Same with the final scene.

He had doubts in the movie. He struggled to control his impulses and his very grip on reality. I think there was a scene with his secretary where he doesn't actually want to kill her. That was a tense scene. Because we know what he's capable of. And we get the sense he's trying to hold back. So we're not sure... will he take the plunge or pull back?

Steven, if you're going to go back and make this about an original character, would you do that for the challenge's rewrite or do it at a later point?

Thanks to everyone that's commented and critiqued. I'll keep it relating to Patrick Bateman for the sake of this challenge but after that I'll switch things up and go for an original take. I'll obviously ditch the American Psycho stuff but I like the idea of a straight laced business man with a cannibalistic desire.

This was just an experiment and a different way of writing for me. I typically don't have blocks of action lines or a lot of voice over, but I like writing this way. Some say it's overwritten, but I don't mind that.

I want to figure out his personality first, then I'll worry about the story and all that good stuff.

Far too descriptive.  Setting a tone is one thing, but, this is so over the top, Hannibal Lecter would be jealous.

See, like saying the silverware is all expensive is fine, going into such specific detail is too hard on the filmmakers to find.  I'd let the props people determine what they want it to look like, IMO.

You know what might be funny, and perhaps you do this, but, when Alice (not a very hooker type name) shows up, and she says that wine is all the same, he can make the choice to educate her on wine, right before he cooks her in the correct wine.

Or he could have chosen her to die because she's so unworldly, like "how dare she not know her wins.  Damn Savage."

Wait, so the hooker just randomly walks into the kitchen?  And don't take this wrong, but, a lot of people store meat in bags.  My mom does it all the time and I'm PRETTY sure she isn't a cannibal.

Page 5, you introduce 3 people and tell me nothing about them.  I haven't read the novel or seen the movie, so, no clue...

Wait, so they find a hand and don't freak out?  And my guys have been called unbelievable...

I know they are drunk, but, still, they should freak out, if not get the fuck out of dodge.

So far, this reads like the movie.  I did some research on the novel and movie before reading your short.  It's pretty similar.  

For fan fiction, I'd had preferred if you went new on the story...

Wait, so it ends with them looking at his head?  

HOW IS THAT AN ENDING????

It was okay, but, odd.  I mean, he must either kill them or prove it's a joke.

And I thought you'd go with the unreliable narrative somewhere since that's what the novel did.

Sorry, but, I didn't care for it.

Dan

Great monologues, I can totally see Bateman in it. I don't mind a twist or two somewhere tho. And it would be even better if his three asshole associates could take on a bit more color, different like.

Fun read overall.

Edit: btw, sorry to say that this doesn't read like a horror script.

Well, yeah, and no.

Reads just like a rip off of psycho. You could take that as a compliment... Pobably should. I know it's essentially fanfic and I think you did pretty well emulating the Bateman voice.I quite enjoyed his own banter at the top. Bit more black humour wouldn't go astray.

I think the prostitute scene ends up just not going anywhere so I'd scrap that and make it all a one location dinner party, perhaps some colleagues' wives for hysteria and to add the female voice. Mind you all the female voices in American Psycho are pretty much 'clueless' and materialistic stereotypes, but the guys are too really. It is what it is.

A few things:
Price gets a stomach ache goes in search of the Pepto, sees the meat and the hand. I'd ramp up his reaction. It was almost throw away, that reaction.

I know they're all superficial thickheads but one of them says 'you're a sick fuck' and the rest 'stare in utter disbelief'.  

Part of the whole vibe in psycho is that Patrick Bateman is cool, ruthless but are the rest of them on Xanax and just completely inured to what's been placed in front of them?

I'm with Dan as well on the ending. It's a cool visual, the head, (if you're into that sort of thing) though nothing quite comes close to Ray Liotta's open skull flap and prefrontal lobe being sauteed in a pan with shallots and white wine.

At least another surprise, or double whammy.. Perhaps one of the guests says something Bateman regards as particularly offensive and plunges his fork into the guys palm, pins it to the table. The rest of them look horrified, rear back from the table. Then Bateman says: 'don't worry, you're really not lean enough for my taste.

I wondered actually, all the work at the gym, I would have thought a bit of fat would add to tenderness. Now I can't believe I just wrote that line.

Oh, and stick with the brand names imh, they add, rather than just using generic. That's a big part of American Psycho, similar to the cynical aspect of IKEA in Fight club.

I obviously bit off a little more than I could chew, but I'm at least happy with the action and dialogue. I knew this wasn't a 3 act short, but merely just a few scenes. I'm going to scrap the hooker and focus on the office and dinner party for the second draft.

Here we go, Steven!

Page 1 - Not a good opening, with no FADE IN and then a 6 line passage.  This should have been broken up into 2 passages - the first about the table, the 2nd about Bateman.  Why doesn't he have an age or any kind of physical description?  Finally, the last "sentence", starting with "His face", should really be added to the prior sentence with a comma.

The dialogue sounds fairly authentic, so good job on that.  The action/description writing ain't bad, but could use a few trims, as it just "looks" overwritten a bit.

Page 2 - Are we in a different apartment now?  Also, (and this goes for the 1st Slug, as well) you need to tell us what room we're in, as I assume there are multiple rooms.  You know what I'm saying?

Again, you really shouldn't ever go over 4 lines in a passage, and you've done it twice now, which makes this look so dense and cluttered.

The hooker thing went nowhere, and sorry to say, Ive lost interest and am stopping here.

You've done a pretty good job with Bateman's voice and mannerisms, but the problem is that I don't have any interest in reading fan fiction, and I was expecting horro, which isn't what I got.

Good on you to complete this.

Quoted from Dreamscale Here we go, Steven! Page 1 - Not a good opening, with no FADE IN and then a 6 line passage.  This should have been broken up into 2 passages - the first about the table, the 2nd about Bateman.  Why doesn't he have an age or any kind of physical description?  Finally, the last "sentence", starting with "His face", should really be added to the prior sentence with a comma. The dialogue sounds fairly authentic, so good job on that.  The action/description writing ain't bad, but could use a few trims, as it just "looks" overwritten a bit. Page 2 - Are we in a different apartment now?  Also, (and this goes for the 1st Slug, as well) you need to tell us what room we're in, as I assume there are multiple rooms.  You know what I'm saying? Again, you really shouldn't ever go over 4 lines in a passage, and you've done it twice now, which makes this look so dense and cluttered. The hooker thing went nowhere, and sorry to say, Ive lost interest and am stopping here. You've done a pretty good job with Bateman's voice and mannerisms, but the problem is that I don't have any interest in reading fan fiction, and I was expecting horro, which isn't what I got. Good on you to complete this.

Thanks for the words. I'll be working on this today. I do urge you to read the rest because I think it gets better as it goes, as do other people here.

Never seen/read/had anything to do with American Psycho. I only have the most rudimentary familiarity with it. Hell, all I know is that Christian Bale (looking like Jim Carrey) played Bat(e)man, and "Hip to Be Square" by Huey Lewis has to do with something.

With that full disclosure, let's go.

No FADE IN:

You give Bateman a huge-ass chunk of dialogue -- 13 lines? Bale may have played Batman, but he's not Superman. Break it up with some action.

Our first orphan on page 1.

FADE OUT goes on the right, not the left.

Other than that, much much wrong with this. Pretty good effort.

Looked at the first page and it 'looked' over-written before I read anything... just all a little too dense...

But, let's see if that's the case... kinda.

I think the action lines are over described, but the dialogue does sound like Bateman, so that's working... Kosher Salt - i've learned something new.

Red wine isn't usually chilled, though some is, I think he'd VO comment on this if it's on purpose... otherwise I don't think he'd have it chilled.

I'd drop the (cont'd) you don't really need em.

Hmmm, this seemed to swerve off of American Psycho and into Hannibal instead.

It's well enough written but I'm not sure it adds anything to AS I think it needs some sort of twist to take it in a different direction.

Thanks for the additional comments. I'm reworking it throughout and all critiques will be addressed. I've already done some work but I'm just blanking on how to end it. I like the dinner party, and I've incorporated the hooker into that party...parts of her anyway.

Alright I'll start with this since I'm vaguely familiar with the movie.

Lot's of chunky action lines. Surely they can be broken up a bit.

Some typo's, but nothing too bad. Should be an easy fix.

I found parts of this interesting, mainly the part with the hooker.

The meat(pun intended) of the story is the dinner scene at the end and unfortunately it's a bit of a let down. It's just all happens too fast.

If I were you I'd have the entire story about Bateman cooking up a tasty meal for the hooker. i feel like it would be more focused and serve the story better.

Good effort and good luck with the rewrite.

~Zack~

Quoted from Zack Alright I'll start with this since I'm vaguely familiar with the movie. Lot's of chunky action lines. Surely they can be broken up a bit. Some typo's, but nothing too bad. Should be an easy fix. I found parts of this interesting, mainly the part with the hooker. The meat(pun intended) of the story is the dinner scene at the end and unfortunately it's a bit of a let down. It's just all happens too fast. If I were you I'd have the entire story about Bateman cooking up a tasty meal for the hooker. i feel like it would be more focused and serve the story better. Good effort and good luck with the rewrite. ~Zack~

Thanks. I finally came up with the damn ending. I made the hooker part of the dinner, so every scene relates to one another. There are a few 4-line action lines but it's not as bulky as before.

I'm somewhat happy with it, but not entirely. This was a good exercise, however. Oh, I changed the names and locations, so there are no remnants of American Psycho other than the title, which will stay the same for the purpose of the challenge.

Great one!
Bateman reminds me strongly of Hannibal.
The end was somehow obvious but the dialogs was absolutely great.
You did a good work on this!

Pedro

Thanks. I finally figured out the ending and it will lead into something feature-worthy.

I knew this was an American Psycho tribute (?) going in, so the big chunks of text didn't bother me. I read them in Bateman's voice and they seemed to flow pretty nicely. The dialogue is honestly pretty decent considering the danger of emulating Brett Easton Ellis, an effort that seems practically destined to fail. I think it's a little more simplistic than the source material, but still, not bad.

That said, the script reads very flat narratively speaking. No conflict to speak of other than perhaps Alice dropping the meat on the floor. That seems to resolve itself pretty quickly. There was a hint of it towards the end when his friends find the hand in the fridge, but no one seems to give a shit. In any case, I don't think whether or not Bateman is found out was really the most interesting aspect of American Psycho in the first place.

As an exercise in writing style, it's an interesting experiment. But even with the names of the characters changed and some distance placed between you and the source material, I think there needs to be more going on.

Thanks for the reply. I think I've fixed the issues.

I've changed the characters names to get away from the American psycho tie ins. Obviously the names aren't enough but oh well, I still like this story.

Hi Steven - Just read version 2.0

By diverting from the American Psycho story line, you now own it and it's much improved as a stand alone work. Of course with horror, we can't dwell on logic too much but, unless Henry has finally gone over the edge with thinking he's invincible, his bold indiscretion of killing that many of his coworkers is a bit much. And why poison your food source? There I go looking at logic.

Also curious about the comment regarding gin? Seems out of the blue but it does lead into the cognac?

Much more linear. Good work.
John

Quoted from JEStaats Hi Steven - Just read version 2.0 By diverting from the American Psycho story line, you now own it and it's much improved as a stand alone work. Of course with horror, we can't dwell on logic too much but, unless Henry has finally gone over the edge with thinking he's invincible, his bold indiscretion of killing that many of his coworkers is a bit much. And why poison your food source? There I go looking at logic. Also curious about the comment regarding gin? Seems out of the blue but it does lead into the cognac? Much more linear. Good work. John

Thanks for reading. He poisoned the drinks not the food.

Why did he kill them? I don't know, but it was the ending I felt most natural. The fun thing was just a remake to show the Henry likes gin and the others don't.

There's no pleasing some I know...

Thing is, I prefer the first draft. I liked the added touches of product placement and him talking.

Also, by changing the character names and electing not to do fanfic this is too much still like American Psycho, including the title, and you run the risk of it being compared as ripoff.

Poison is poison btw, whether it be food or drink and regardless I'm not buying they'd trust him at the point you introduce this into the story. Seems a convenient mechanism for you rounding out the story.

Hasn't Henry served them wine with the meal? He could have poisoned them then and timed it so that by the end of the meal they all dropped dead one after the other. He surely couldn't have counted on them all being so relaxed with their reactions. They're not quick off the mark these fellas are they. I know it's black comedy but even so.

Few things:

... you've never even held a
rifle, let alone shoot anything with
one.

Dialogue is one thing but he's an educated guy so: I'd personally go with the one tense- 'let alone shot anything with one'

'Exercise 'regimen' not the squadron.

It's nineteen eighty nine! I want to
go into the nineties with an open
mind and new experiences.

Really? That doesn't quite gel with me. Again, are we supposed to buy these guys are total idiots? If these characters were females I'd have a field day with the airhead stereotype. It's tongue in cheek (no pun intended)black comedy so I go with it up to a point.

You write well.

I still prefer the original with a few tweaks.

Quoted from LC There's no pleasing some I know... Thing is, I prefer the first draft. I liked the added touches of product placement and him talking. Also, by changing the character names and electing not to do fanfic this is too much still like American Psycho, including the title, and you run the risk of it being compared as ripoff. Poison is poison btw, whether it be food or drink and regardless I'm not buying they'd trust him at the point you introduce this into the story. Seems a convenient mechanism for you rounding out the story. Hasn't Henry served them wine with the meal? He could have poisoned them then and timed it so that by the end of the meal they all dropped dead one after the other. He surely couldn't have counted on them all being so relaxed with their reactions. They're not quick off the mark these fellas are they. I know it's black comedy but even so. Few things: ... you've never even held a rifle, let alone shoot anything with one. Dialogue is one thing but he's an educated guy so: I'd personally go with the one tense- 'let alone shot anything with one' 'Exercise 'regimen' not the squadron. It's nineteen eighty nine! I want to go into the nineties with an open mind and new experiences. Really? That doesn't quite gel with me. Again, are we supposed to buy these guys are total idiots? If these characters were females I'd have a field day with the airhead stereotype. It's tongue in cheek (no pun intended)black comedy so I go with it up to a point. You write well. I still prefer the original with a few tweaks.

You know sometimes you start with a cool idea and it works for 95%. Well that's what happened. I watched American Psycho the other day and saw some things in there I hadn't remembered. Like the head in the fridge. Oh well, I'm still working on the cannibal chef thing.

Thanks for liking it.

Hey Steven,
   I think I agree with Libby.  The first one had more "flavor" than the second one.  I still don't see the reason for the hooker's death.  The second one reads like an insane dude that kills this hooker and 3 coworkers with no deniability in any way.  

Full disclosure:  I have only read Wikipedia for my knowledge of the subject matter.  But what I gathered was that he was very smart, cultural, and plenty of "steps" ahead as if he were playing chess with real life.  I don't see any of that here.

Perhaps if we watched him "graduate" from killing animals to trying to set up the prostitute to kill her.  Honestly, from what I've read of the character, he'd only get his hands dirty as a last resort.  Her death was sloppy.  What's her pimp gonna do when she turns up missing?  

I think the potential for this story is huge, whether as a standalone or fan fiction.  Use his brilliance more.

Lastly, I know you can't do this on such a restrictive page count, but I'd love to see some sort of ambiguous ending calling into question how much actually happened.

Great work,
Dan

Quoted from DanC Hey Steven,    I think I agree with Libby.  The first one had more "flavor" than the second one.  I still don't see the reason for the hooker's death.  The second one reads like an insane dude that kills this hooker and 3 coworkers with no deniability in any way.   Full disclosure:  I have only read Wikipedia for my knowledge of the subject matter.  But what I gathered was that he was very smart, cultural, and plenty of "steps" ahead as if he were playing chess with real life.  I don't see any of that here. Perhaps if we watched him "graduate" from killing animals to trying to set up the prostitute to kill her.  Honestly, from what I've read of the character, he'd only get his hands dirty as a last resort.  Her death was sloppy.  What's her pimp gonna do when she turns up missing?   I think the potential for this story is huge, whether as a standalone or fan fiction.  Use his brilliance more. Lastly, I know you can't do this on such a restrictive page count, but I'd love to see some sort of ambiguous ending calling into question how much actually happened. Great work, Dan

If interested, I've started to work on the feature length "cannibal chef" story over in the work in progress thread.

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-workinprogress/m-1488326398/

Thanks for checking this out and I agree that the removal of the American Psycho aspect made this feel like a rip off but.

Hi Steven,

I really enjoyed this, had no issues with the writing. I found the descriptiveness helped build his character e.g  the use of the different types of wine at the beginning to show case his snobbery and her lack of intellect. The descriptions also helped with the ‘feel’ of the story.
I loved the ‘peek into the hallway’ action line, simple, but said a lot about his intentions.
And the use of denial in the face of a horrific reality, is great. No…this can’t be real….its just a fantastic joke….
Nice job!

Thanks for liking it!

Take 2! Action!

The text seems small. Is it 12pt?

Nitpick, but it's the Billboard Hot 100. Normally, this dialogue would be too long, but Patrick Henry Batman makes it worth every word.

Quoted Text A heavy red flow washes down the drain.

Referencing another American Psycho? "Mother! Oh, God! Mother! Blood! Blood!"

"small pool of blood
pooling [spilling] around his head."

Redundant?

Very well written. Deliciously written. Excellent job, Steve!

Quoted from ChrisBodily Take 2! Action! The text seems small. Is it 12pt? Nitpick, but it's the Billboard Hot 100. Normally, this dialogue would be too long, but Patrick Henry Batman makes it worth every word. Referencing another American Psycho? "Mother! Oh, God! Mother! Blood! Blood!" "small pool of blood pooling [spilling] around his head." Redundant? Very well written. Deliciously written. Excellent job, Steve!

Yea, it's 12pt, that's what comes default with Fade In I guess.

Regarding the Bateman stuff, I haven't seen American Psycho for a few years, then I watched it after I wrote this and holy hell did I use a lot of direct references from that movie. I knew that I was essentially ripping off some of what happened, but I completely forgot about the fact he kept a head in a plastic bag in his fridge.

My original work distances itself from American Psycho greatly. The only similarity is that there is a wealthy person in NYC killing people.