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that whole open sucks. I hate POV so i tried to write it a different way. I'll change it all up.
You'd know Pre-lap if you saw it on screen, it's when dialogue voiceover leads into a new scene. like say a guy's at the beach staring at the ocean and you all of a sudden hear a woman's voice off screen "i just think we need time apart." then we go right to a scene where he's sitting in a restaurant with a woman, shell shocked.
Ted was a stupid hacky "i forgot your name joke" that i didn't even realize i left in. Gotta be the most overused joke on the planet. "My name's Dan." "Nice to meet you, Don." "Dan." "Steve."
i will shorten this
I'd list my "work" here, but I don't know how to hyperlink.
"Career" Highlights -2, count em, 2 credits on my IMDB page. -One time a fairly prominent producer e-mailed me back. -I have made more than $1000 with my writing! -I've won 2 mugs... and a thong. (polaroids of me in thong available for $10 through PM)
thanks again for the notes. in the end on the re-write i didn't go too far from the initial draft.
I didn't want to start in the bar (though that was a good point) b/c i basically just wanted it contained between the office and the apartment building. And i didn't expand too much on the demon or it's motivations (another good point) because i didn't want to dive too deep into a mythology here, it's really just supposed to be a little comedy sketch/script. This isn't meant to stretch into anything bigger.
I shortened it, cleaned it up and changed a few things. hopefully it's better overall.
I'd list my "work" here, but I don't know how to hyperlink.
"Career" Highlights -2, count em, 2 credits on my IMDB page. -One time a fairly prominent producer e-mailed me back. -I have made more than $1000 with my writing! -I've won 2 mugs... and a thong. (polaroids of me in thong available for $10 through PM)
I'd list my "work" here, but I don't know how to hyperlink.
"Career" Highlights -2, count em, 2 credits on my IMDB page. -One time a fairly prominent producer e-mailed me back. -I have made more than $1000 with my writing! -I've won 2 mugs... and a thong. (polaroids of me in thong available for $10 through PM)
Soooo many awesome one-liners in that: Using literally wrong again; D'you get robbed; the room doesn't look any worse after the ordeal; the star of David... I made a list. Loved it.
One missed opportunity when he whipped out the 5 wood, either: that's nothing to brag about, or there he goes exaggerating again.
Overall great and realistic dialog. I've worked with tools just like the two coworkers described. Great work.
funny you mention that, i literally had a line just like that but thought of all the forced jokes that one was too much. i couldn't figure out how to word it so it sounded like a measurement which would lead into a line exactly like you just pitched.
thanks
I'd list my "work" here, but I don't know how to hyperlink.
"Career" Highlights -2, count em, 2 credits on my IMDB page. -One time a fairly prominent producer e-mailed me back. -I have made more than $1000 with my writing! -I've won 2 mugs... and a thong. (polaroids of me in thong available for $10 through PM)
Hey Conz, it was funny. Did you remove some of the double entendres? I know once you read a joke once, it's gone, but I didn't see as many as I thought i read the first time.
I'd like to see this without the page count limit. I think you can take the story so much further.
I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good. I enjoy writing the same. Looking to team with anyone!
"Shure?" The audio manufacturer? Are you s(h)ure you've got the right "sure?"
"underthebed" is three words.
"protecshin." Are these misspellings intentional? Are you affecting an accent?
Man, golf hasn't been this exciting since Rocko's Modern Life spoofed Caddyshack! (Apologies to Welcome to Mooseport)
"His eyes rolls back."
Ragdoll, livin' in a movie!
"about [to] impale him."
Love lift us up where we belong Where the eagles cry On a mountain high Love lift us up where we belong Far from the world below Up where the clear winds blow
I love this! Juicy stuff here. Funny, horrific, solid read. Great job!
Haha, congrats on the win, Conz, this one is funny. You kept me on my toes. And great writing, very nice action sequence. The switches between Brad with his friends and the Demon with Tress chasing after him worked very well. I am planning to read it again.
The only thing - you didn't position Brad as a sexual loser or whatever from the get go and I wish you did for the pay off to have more of a punch. Nice work otherwise!
Well, I just nipped my head in to take a look at the comp as I heard there was rumour of Gay Star Trek, but this will do nicely.
Great work Conz, proper funny stuff right there. Maybe the flashbacks could have been clarified better, but screw it, a right good laugh and you were clearly all over it.