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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    Scarefest Script Club  ›  Demon in the Sack - SSC2WC Moderators: Zack
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  Author    Demon in the Sack - SSC2WC  (currently 2614 views)
Conz
Posted: February 27th, 2017, 11:03am Report to Moderator
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thanks, i default to corny

that whole open sucks.  I hate POV so i tried to write it a different way.  I'll change it all up.

You'd know Pre-lap if you saw it on screen, it's when dialogue voiceover leads into a new scene.  like say a guy's at the beach staring at the ocean and you all of a sudden hear a woman's voice off screen "i just think we need time apart."  then we go right to a scene where he's sitting in a restaurant with a woman, shell shocked.

Ted was a stupid hacky "i forgot your name joke" that i didn't even realize i left in.  Gotta be the most overused joke on the planet.  "My name's Dan."  "Nice to meet you, Don."  "Dan."  "Steve."

i will shorten this


I'd list my "work" here, but I don't know how to hyperlink.  

"Career" Highlights
-2, count em, 2 credits on my IMDB page.  
-One time a fairly prominent producer e-mailed me back.  
-I have made more than $1000 with my writing!
-I've won 2 mugs... and a thong.  (polaroids of me in thong available for $10 through PM)

@vc_wg - because I crave attention
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Conz
Posted: March 1st, 2017, 11:22am Report to Moderator
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thanks again for the notes.  in the end on the re-write i didn't go too far from the initial draft.  

I didn't want to start in the bar (though that was a good point) b/c i basically just wanted it contained between the office and the apartment building.  And i didn't expand too much on the demon or it's motivations (another good point) because i didn't want to dive too deep into a mythology here, it's really just supposed to be a little comedy sketch/script.  This isn't meant to stretch into anything bigger.

I shortened it, cleaned it up and changed a few things.  hopefully it's better overall.


I'd list my "work" here, but I don't know how to hyperlink.  

"Career" Highlights
-2, count em, 2 credits on my IMDB page.  
-One time a fairly prominent producer e-mailed me back.  
-I have made more than $1000 with my writing!
-I've won 2 mugs... and a thong.  (polaroids of me in thong available for $10 through PM)

@vc_wg - because I crave attention
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PedroS
Posted: March 1st, 2017, 4:24pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Conz,

I loved the story and the humor.
The dialogs felt very lively and the scenes were full of dynamic.
Can't wait for your next work.

Pedro
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Conz
Posted: March 1st, 2017, 6:15pm Report to Moderator
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thank you, Pedro.  I appreciate it.


I'd list my "work" here, but I don't know how to hyperlink.  

"Career" Highlights
-2, count em, 2 credits on my IMDB page.  
-One time a fairly prominent producer e-mailed me back.  
-I have made more than $1000 with my writing!
-I've won 2 mugs... and a thong.  (polaroids of me in thong available for $10 through PM)

@vc_wg - because I crave attention
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JEStaats
Posted: March 4th, 2017, 5:36pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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Soooo many awesome one-liners in that: Using literally wrong again; D'you get robbed; the room doesn't look any worse after the ordeal; the star of David... I made a list. Loved it.

One missed opportunity when he whipped out the 5 wood, either: that's nothing to brag about, or there he goes exaggerating again.

Overall great and realistic dialog. I've worked with tools just like the two coworkers described. Great work.
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Conz
Posted: March 4th, 2017, 5:51pm Report to Moderator
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funny you mention that, i literally had a line just like that but thought of all the forced jokes that one was too much.  i couldn't figure out how to word it so it sounded like a measurement which would lead into a line exactly like you just pitched.

thanks


I'd list my "work" here, but I don't know how to hyperlink.  

"Career" Highlights
-2, count em, 2 credits on my IMDB page.  
-One time a fairly prominent producer e-mailed me back.  
-I have made more than $1000 with my writing!
-I've won 2 mugs... and a thong.  (polaroids of me in thong available for $10 through PM)

@vc_wg - because I crave attention
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DanC
Posted: March 5th, 2017, 1:25pm Report to Moderator
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Killing villains since 1980!

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Hey Conz, it was funny.  Did you remove some of the double entendres?  I know once you read a joke once, it's gone, but I didn't see as many as I thought i read the first time.

I'd like to see this without the page count limit.  I think you can take the story so much further.

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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ChrisBodily
Posted: March 6th, 2017, 11:26pm Report to Moderator
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FADE IN: goes to the left, not the right.

"snort-laughs" should be hyphenated.

"Squeegee board"? Not "Ouija board"?

"Shure?" The audio manufacturer? Are you s(h)ure you've got the right "sure?"

"underthebed" is three words.

"protecshin." Are these misspellings intentional? Are you affecting an accent?

Man, golf hasn't been this exciting since Rocko's Modern Life spoofed Caddyshack! (Apologies to Welcome to Mooseport)

"His eyes rolls back."

Ragdoll, livin' in a movie!

"about [to] impale him."

Love lift us up where we belong
Where the eagles cry
On a mountain high
Love lift us up where we belong
Far from the world below
Up where the clear winds blow

I love this! Juicy stuff here. Funny, horrific, solid read. Great job!


FADE IN:
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khamanna
Posted: March 19th, 2017, 3:32am Report to Moderator
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Haha, congrats on the win, Conz, this one is funny.
You kept me on my toes. And great writing, very nice action sequence. The switches between Brad with his friends and the Demon with Tress chasing after him worked very well. I am planning to read it again.

The only thing - you didn't position Brad as a sexual loser or whatever from the get go and I wish you did for the pay off to have more of a punch.
Nice work otherwise!
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Cameron
Posted: March 25th, 2017, 7:12am Report to Moderator
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Well, I just nipped my head in to take a look at the comp as I heard there was rumour of Gay Star Trek, but this will do nicely.

Great work Conz, proper funny stuff right there. Maybe the flashbacks could have been clarified better, but screw it, a right good laugh and you were clearly all over it.

Cam
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