My connection has been crapping out tonight, so forgive me.
Right out of the gate, FADE IN: goes on the left.
"Footfalls?" You mean "Footsteps?"
We can assume Dr. Lassen is wearing a doctor's outfit. However, if (for example) he were wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a bare ass
, that's when a description is necessary. You can tell us what he looks like, though. Does he have a mustache? A beard? Glasses? Green hair? A tattoo on his arm?
You have a few orphan/widow/hanger words taking up their own action lines. Try to avoid these, as too many of them could inflate the page count.
It seems you can't decide whether to call them berserk or berserkers. Like others have said, keep it consistent.
"Larssen is no match... Larssen is approaching exhaustion." Reads a little passive. Try tightening it up.
The word "tickles" doesn't work for me. Tickle, tickle. Hee hee heee. Perhaps replace it with "itches," "irritates," or "arouses."
"Gunshot" can be one word.
"It's" should be "its." "Another bullet finds it is mark in the neck of the second male berserker." Doesn't make much sense.
It's = It is. Its = Possessive.
I like the "geyser of blood" visual.
"a female berserker continues chase without slowing." Doesn't make sense grammatically.
Each "CRACK!" is starting to look like a shot of a minislug. It's bordering on confusing.
"Tickles"? "Comically"? What kind of tone are you going for? Is this more Dawn of the Dead or Shaun of the Dead?
"Projectile vomits." Like The Exorcist?
Quoted Text BILLY (O.S.)
Dr. [Doctor] Lassen? Is that you? |
Abbreviations are spelled out in dialogue for timing reasons. Don't ask me, I didn't write the rules.
Mister, Missus, Miss, Doctor, Sergeant, Colonel, etc.
We went how long without dialogue? Pretty neat action, though.
A few comma issues. Anytime to address somebody, offset it with commas. Jeff (The Simon Cowell of SS) is very particular about this (and I don't always agree with him), but this is good advice.
Quoted Text BILLY (O.S.) Hi[,] Doc! We're up here! |
Doc Brown's in this story? Great Scott!
So Billy is the stereotypical high school jock? Gotcha.
"for access[,] as the"
Lots of comma issues across the board.
"a hand onto [one word] the platform"
Quoted Text Lassen is exhausted and collapses on the platform. |
Sounds like me on a Wednesday! Also, you already mentioned he was exhausted.
Is "opened" a verb or an adjective?
"Holy cow" sounds a little too clean, especially since he starts swearing immediately afterwards. This isn't the Leave it to Beaver 1950s. You should change it to "Holy shit."
Daisy Duke is a character from the Dukes of Hazzard, and therefore, it's a proper name and must be capitaized. For example, are they mc hammer pants or MC Hammer pants?
Is it her butt or the gun's butt? Also, keep those AR-15's out of the wrong hands, especially in Trump's America.
"GMO" should be "G-M-O." You never know, your actor might pronounce it "Gummo" or "Guh-MOH." Be considerate of your actors.
Quoted Text BILLY Figures. Leave it to a gluten product to turn people into man-eaters. |
Whoa, here she comes! Watch out, boy, she'll chew you up. Whoa, here she comes! She's a maneater.
Getting political/liberal, aren't we? Nice.
"Whatever(s)." Intentional?
"Billy goes prone" Huh???
Shouldn't the woman be capped? The Berserker, too? Wait, is the woman or the berserker wearing the Varsity?
Did Billy trail off the "motherfucker" or did the gun cut him off? If the latter, use -- instead.
So, all these berserkers are Trump supporters?
SUPERIMPOSE: should always be written as SUPER:
"Berserks have started gathering around the towers base. They mainly just mill bout and gnash their teeth." Written too passively.
Who's Mr. Balwin? This is where you should heed my comma advice. The fact that Billy mentions a Mr. Baldwin makes me think of Billy Baldwin. I mean, Balwin is right under Billy's name.
Two dollars for a newspaper eight years ago? Come on, man. Let it goooo, let it goooo.
"Lassen shakes his head." At least there's one sane man in the room.
Shouldn't that be "pees onto the ever growing crowd"?
So this is literally a pisser?
Wait, that was Dr. Lassen? This really is a pisser. (Quite literally so!)
You should be capping these characters.
Now the cannibal aspect kicks in.
"The crowd is half the size."
Quoted Text BILLY Hey, Doc? What's going on with you? |
Missed opportunity. It should be "What's up, Doc?"
Is "red streaks run[ning] to his elbow" ever good?
Parentheticals are too long, and you use too many of them.
"Down below, all the berserkers
have move
d to their side of the tank."
Numbers should be spelled out in dialogue, until you get to the ridiculously large numbers. 1,100,300 is a number you can just jot down, but numbers like one, two, three, fifteen, twenty, etc., should be spelled out.
The tampon part. LOL!
"Billy runs out [of] the Pharmacy"
You could use minislugs.
Quoted Text Billy runs out of the Pharmacy and down the street to the
GENERAL STORE |
Heavy on product placement. Don't worry -- mine was, too.
Is this all one long shot/take?
The berserkers are photographers? Stalktographers?
His butt or the gun's? I wish you'd use the word butt only to refer to somebody's ass. Otherwise, it's confusing.
Ahhh...
*SPOILER*
You just pulled a Hamlet on us.
To paraphrase Bishop, "Not bad... for a pisser."