Hey John , this was better than the first one.  Still lots of typos.  I think some extra non-timed rewrites will be your best friend.  Fix up the errors, tighten up the sentences, and you have a decent story.

Still don't love the ending, perhaps you could have him found by the military and slip on the way down

Best of luck with it.
Dan

Hi Dan - Thanks for the second read through. This is a story that I've some many ideas and explanatory issues that I just couldn't explore or fit in 15 pages.

I've a couple questions for you that I'm going to send a PM.

Thanks again.

Hey John,

great adds. The dialogs felt more authentic and complex.  Also, very interesting idea with the POVs.
The scene with the berserkers, sniffing around him while he's wearing the coat, was awesome. Just like in World War Z. It creates tension.
You've made the end more interesting and I think this was the best change.


Thumbs up!

Pedro

John, not a dramatic rewrite, but it reads a lot straighter (more serious) than the first draft, which borders on pisser (but a good pisser).

Not much else I can add to my prior review. Good job.

Hi Pedro - Thanks for the thumbs up! Remember me when it comes time for voting!

Hi Chris - Yeah, I really tried to hold my bladder for the revision. Although Suzy couldn't! A little more serious but, like I've said before, it's really difficult to take horror 100% serious. Thanks for the kudos!

Still don’t like the way Billy speaks.  I get he’s a hayseed, but he doesn’t read like a teenage boy.

“She second grade teacher.”

Still wish there was a way to find this information out without the Doctor just flat telling us.  Like for instance (and this is probably shit) on top of the water tower they witness the Berserkers actually eating wheat.  That could be their fuel.  Then they make the observation and the reveal that A – Suzie doesn’t eat carbs, B – Billy eats meat and… ugh, “taters.” (why is Billy Larry the Cable Guy?) and Doc has celiac disease.  Then he can have a eureka “wait a minute, that’s it!  I always knew GMO blah blah blah.”  There’s room for comedic stuff in there too (this will all be bad b/c I’m just vomiting whatever is on my mind)– “Weed did this?!  S’why I never touched the stuff.”  Suzie (clearly lying) … Yeah… me either.  Nope.  *she flicks a joint out of her back pocket over the side.* “Not weed, wheat!  Weed is perfectly fine for you, I prescribe it to everyone.”   *Suzie watches the joint fall, depressed.* I don’t know, it just seems to fit the “kinda comedy” tone.”  

Bit too much show don’t tell type dialogue as the days pass.  That whole “they aren’t interested in Doc” stuff could probably be more action oriented.

Then they just work off that theory as we slowly see the wheat depletion over the rest of the script.  “If we wait them out, etc…”  Just coming up with all that works better than “oh I heard” b/c it actually makes them more active protagonists in a way.

I like the slippery step call back, but not a fan of the closing dialogue line.

Love how this one starts off with a bang. Got my attention real quick.

Good writing, quick pace. Very easy to visualize the action in my head.

Dialog is good for the most part. Some of it read a little funny, but maybe that's just me.

Didn't understand Lassen's final line, but either way I liked the ending.

Only a few typo's.

Overall this one was good. A fun cannibal/zombie short with plenty of gore. Good work.

~Zack~

Hi Zack - Thanks for the kind words. I didn't think 'Kismet' would be a loss with so many readers. It means fate or destiny in Hindu or Turkish or...hmmm...one of those languages. I'm sure someone will correct me.

Glad you enjoyed it! The revision I posted on Script Revolution is cleaned up even more.