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2nd Draft Cry No More by Pedro Schreier writing as ThE StOryTelleR - Short, Cannibal Horror - A demolished research center - two men - death in every corner - and the desperate search for a little girl. 15 pages - pdf, format
Writer interested in feedback on this work
1st Draft Cry No More by Pedro Schreier writing as ThE StOryTelleR - Short, Monster, Cannibal Horror - Something is on the move. It leaves a bloody massacre in every place it went through. The only clue a research team found - is a mysterious boy. What they don't know - they're already lost. - pdf, format
I'm sorry, but I'm not going to be able to finish this one.
Nothing but voices on the entire first page? Sounds like these two voices are speaking in a language that is not their first language, as the mistakes are numerous, and the dialogue itself sounds like it's either purposely terrible or maybe thye have gone through lobotomies?
Good job on completing a script, but this one ain't for me.
Instead of saying "Several voices and sounds from machines are audible." it would be more engaging if you were to write something like, "In low-spoken tones, DOCTOR conversations and the BEEP-BEEP of monitor equipment fill the room." Be specific I mean.
fell from fences instead of falls
incredibly aggressive instead of incredible
Pet-Peeve, but I hope there is a reason central to the story Dr. Ronald has red hair, a lab coat and glasses. Clothes don't make character. Actions and dialogue do. Same for Susan.
unbelievably instead of unbelievable
I think the first scene goes on too long. I would cut it right at the end of page 1. Right when it becomes known there's something wrong with the boys blood. Build the mystery right away. You're inflating the balloon of intrigue. Instead you explain a ton of stuff right after and take some air out. Less is more.
98 feet is hella high for a fence. That's like a 6 story building height wise. And how can a fence carve a path like its a person?
Thee MEN not man
Everything which doesn't belong instead of everything which don't
Lord
RAVENS not RAVES
What are we gonna do instead of what do we gonna do
The scene in Ronald's office is unnecessary. I don't see how it moves the story forward much. Nothing happens. Nothing changes. Instead of talking about calling Col Harris why not call him right away?
"it looks like monster had taking a walk."?????
"Peter strengthened his grip and keep gazing at Ronald angrily." Lose the verbs ending in ing and write them present tense. "With a strengthened grip, Peter gazes at Ronald angrily."
Non est hic.? Ubi est? I have no idea what that means. Latin for "Where is"?
The whole polite fiji conversation is very out of place. if there is a boy monster running amuck in your lab pleasantries about somebodies vacation shouldn't be on anybody's mind.
Who is Roy? Who is Sam? I'm very lost.
The end makes no sense. All the sudden people are talking about a little girl named Eva? I don't know her and care about her because nothing has built her up or even hinted at her this whole time.
What is with the hunters? They do nothing except find mutilated deer. You could cut them after the first scene and nothing wold change. Yes I can see you trying to build tension, but without stakes, a purpose, something, it adds nothing to the story.
On a rewrite I would focus more on the Dr's in the lab since that is where the majority of the story takes place. maybe have Peter escape earlier and have him tearing the place apart while the Dr's try to contain and identify him.
Overall this needs a lot of polish. Most slugs have no day or night, lots of typos, I tried to catch the ones that stood out, and the story is a bit confusing and scattered.
thank you all so much for taking the time and the efforts to review my script. It's a great honor and pleasure and I'm very sorry, that I've failed to entertain you correctly. The problem is that I'm not used to this language, although I love english so much. There are a lot of things running through my head, a lot of ideas I want to write down, but I'm missing the correct english terms and the translator aren't enough to be very specify. So all I can do is to right my texts, get corrected and learn from it. So thank very much for the advices and the corrections. You all are helping me a lot.
That logline is a mess, but loglines suck. They’re friggin hard to write. Still, it’s a mess.
19 pages? Thought the rules were 15 or less? Eh, I can’t complain, I wrote a friggin comedy.
First passage could be written so much better. I like to capitalize sounds also… Need a (O.S.) on Male and Female Voice
No disrespect, but is English your second language? Between the logline and “it looked like he falls from them” I think that’s the case. That’s fine, I just wish I knew beforehand, b/c I’d have no problem letting stuff like that slide in this draft.
I’m going on the assumption it is, so I won’t comment on every wrong word. If not, my apologies.
Either way, I imagine you want this male and female to be on screen at this point, so you should have described them by now. Even if that was all voiceover, a full page is too much.
I gotta say, this broken English is starting to work for me in a weird way.
Lottttt of characters in this one.
Peter’s holding a little girl and they just run away?! Oh man.
At this point I don’t know if Peter is a monster or an alien or both.
I’m confused, but this twist seems really potentially cool actually. Peter is some kind of manifestation of Ronald’s? I think? His Tyler Durdan? Maybe? I don’t know…
I'd list my "work" here, but I don't know how to hyperlink.
"Career" Highlights -2, count em, 2 credits on my IMDB page. -One time a fairly prominent producer e-mailed me back. -I have made more than $1000 with my writing! -I've won 2 mugs... and a thong. (polaroids of me in thong available for $10 through PM)
Conz thank you for the feedback. All of your assumptions were right. English is my second language and advanced english is something what school not teach in detail - sadly. In the movie people would just see the blurred view and hear the voices. The first object they would see clearly is the screen with the CGI Simulations. And yes - Peter is something like his Tyler Durdan. Ronald build him to ignore his cruel acts.
Hi Pedro, I tried to read it, but, sadly, was just too confused. I'll try to come back to it.
Dan
I'm trying again. Gosh, I thought I had a LOT of characters. You have far far too many. I am having a real issue keeping track of them.
Just a question, but, you name the kid Peter. How will we ever know that? Perhaps you're better off just naming him kid.
Why all these unnamed V.O.? They are quite confusing.
I understand that they don't know anything about the child, but, why are they so afraid? I think we need to be given some reason why they act like they are batshit crazy.
So, you went the way of the movie "High Tension." You either loved or hated that movie.
Now, after making it through all of it, I'm totally lost. I don't really understand what happened here. Sorry.
I know English isn't your first language, and there are a lot of typos and wrong words, so, once that is cleared up, you can work on making the story better.
I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good. I enjoy writing the same. Looking to team with anyone!
Hey Pedro well done on getting a script in, more than I managed!
English as a second language is tough, but it's not impossible I think you just need to take some more classes and improve your English some more... Matias Caruso won the Page Awards a couple of years ago and English is his second language too.
Hi Pedro - I just finished and you should be proud of getting this submitted. Realizing that English is your second language, do you have a friend or coworker that could proof read for you? Aside from all the typos, grammar, etc., I see where you wanted to go with your story. For the limitations of this challenge, I think if you trim some characters and simplify the settings, you could have a linear script. Don't give up and let's see your revision.
Hi Pedro - I just finished and you should be proud of getting this submitted. Realizing that English is your second language, do you have a friend or coworker that could proof read for you? Aside from all the typos, grammar, etc., I see where you wanted to go with your story. For the limitations of this challenge, I think if you trim some characters and simplify the settings, you could have a linear script. Don't give up and let's see your revision.
I agree. English as a second language is very hard. Hell, according to Grammarly, I don't particularly speak or write English well, and it's my first language. So, don't give up.
Perhaps you could use Grammarly. It'd help with some of the typos and language issues you might encounter. Just realize that it's set to prose writing, and screenwriting has other rules, so, there are times when you will ignore the advice.
The basic program is free. I think Anthony uses it as well. So, it is at least helpful to point out what could be wrong, then make a choice from there.
I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good. I enjoy writing the same. Looking to team with anyone!
thank you guys so much for your inspiring speeches. I appreciate it a lot and I'll do my best to implement your advises as good as I can. I'll definitely check out programs like grammarly. It's a pleasure learning from you guys. All of you.
Somehow or another, I made it all the way through this script. I did take a break a little over halfway through, which helped, but I could've easily just left it there. I like to finish what I started if it's not *too* painful, however, and honestly the script wasn't as painful to get through as I initially thought.
That said, I'll repeat previous comments that the script is stricken with typos, possibly the most I've ever seen in a script. I understand that English is not your first language, but I still think you could've cleaned up a substantial portion of them with at least one more review. At the very least, DNA shouldn't have been a typo, certainly not twice; it's only three letters and they're ALL IN CAPS.
To be fair, I could tell many of the typos were indeed a result of the language barrier. It also seems like you had a very specific vision for this script in terms of descriptions, which I think you made an admiral effort to realize. Even if you were using a translator, many of the word choices in the script were specific enough where the translator would've have spat them out if you hadn't entered an equally specific word/phrase to begin with. That said, I think such a vision would be extra incentive to comb through the script a few more times to make sure the typos were at a minimum.
In any case, the writing wasn't the only issue here; the whole thing is really overstuffed. Too many characters with little characterization for any of them. Too much world-building without any context. I couldn't tell where any of this was supposed to take place, given the strangeness of everything else going on (another planet, perhaps?). What's the purpose of the research facility, and who runs it?
All of this is compounded by the fact that the script moves extremely fast without anything getting a proper explanation. Things quickly become confusing/overwhelming. Somehow I found the broken English to offset this somehow, like Conz said. Not sure why that's the case, but it took the edge off. Still, it's all just too much of everything.
The reveal at the end feels tacked on and falls flat as a result. If might've helped if you made any mention of Ronald having a daughter at some earlier point. Perhaps even drop some hints that his state of mind isn't all that straight. Ronald is completely blank as a character, so all this business with Peter being an alterego or whatever is just a bunch of random shit thrown in at the last minute. You could've had the same thing happen to any of the other characters and it would've had the same effect.
Some miscellaneous notes...
- "Was it his blood?" - If they found Peter full of bullet holes, would've they assume it was his blood? Also, who the fuck is lying in the vessel anyway? Peter? Ronald? What do the other characters even see? Is any of this even happening, or is it all in Ronald's head.
...come to think of it, not so miscellaneous. You gotta square the logic of these earlier scenes away somehow.
- On a related note, I'm assuming Susan is the female voice at the beginning, not the nurse. If that's the case, how would she know something as specific as why he got shot and not know who he is or where he came from?
...again, this is a note I had written down earlier, but it doesn't make sense given the ending. Susan's supposedly dead so... WTF is going on here?
pg. 14 - You seem to switch Roy and Ronald's names around somehow.
- Finally, why would Ronald cut his throat if he just cut his wrists? I doubt it'd be an easy thing to do. He's gonna die anyway, so why even go through the extra pain? Speaking of which, why cut both of his arms?
So yeah. It seems like you had a strong vision for this, but at this point, it's kind of a mess. Even without the typos/language issues, it doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Probably not the best story to tell in 18 pages, really. It was supposed to be 15, so really, doesn't seem like anything meant for a small scale.
your absolutely right. It was too much to get into the story. I've f***** up, but I'll try my best to avoid those things in the future. I've wrote it completely new, submitted it and hope, that it will create a better feeling. Thank you for taking the time to read through all of this. I really appreciate this!
Hola Pedro - Yo leo tu revision segundo (como mi espanol?). Apologies if otherwise
Enough of that... good news is that your story is more linear and easier to follow. Bad news is the translation still needs a lot of work and it's WAY overwritten. I can say that because I have a habit of overwriting. A lot of parenthetical use too.
I liked the reveal at the end with Eva in the cage and her reaction but there are still many inconsistencies in the logic (there's that word logic again).
Also loved your descriptions of the mass murder scene. Very reminiscent of 'Event Horizon'.
Hey Pedro, I agree with John. While it is better, you still have a lot to clean up. I'd Look into software to help you with the language issues.
The story is better, but still far too overwritten in places. It seems easier to follow, so that is awesome.
I think if you fix it up, you could have a pretty good story. Perhaps you could make this more of a race against time story. Also, find creative ways to keep the other guy following your lead. There were plenty of times then I wondered why he followed him, especially after he said that he wouldn't. I found myself thinking that then it's too unbelievable.
Only when you explain the ending does it make sense, and I think that should be fixed.
I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good. I enjoy writing the same. Looking to team with anyone!
Hola Pedro - Yo leo tu revision segundo (como mi espanol?). Apologies if otherwise
Enough of that... good news is that your story is more linear and easier to follow. Bad news is the translation still needs a lot of work and it's WAY overwritten. I can say that because I have a habit of overwriting. A lot of parenthetical use too.
I liked the reveal at the end with Eva in the cage and her reaction but there are still many inconsistencies in the logic (there's that word logic again).
Also loved your descriptions of the mass murder scene. Very reminiscent of 'Event Horizon'.
Great effort Pedro - keep at it! John
Hola John - your spanish is good! I read yours to, mi amigo. But I'm from Brazil and I speak Portuguese
Thank you so much for taking the efforts to read my second draft. I'm very happy that it was easier to follow and you're absolutely right - There are definitely some logic mistakes. I need to practice this short stories more! And I'm going to work on the parenthetical-problem. Good advise!
Thank you for your inspiring feedback. I'll keep your advises in mind.
Hey Pedro, I agree with John. While it is better, you still have a lot to clean up. I'd Look into software to help you with the language issues.
The story is better, but still far too overwritten in places. It seems easier to follow, so that is awesome.
I think if you fix it up, you could have a pretty good story. Perhaps you could make this more of a race against time story. Also, find creative ways to keep the other guy following your lead. There were plenty of times then I wondered why he followed him, especially after he said that he wouldn't. I found myself thinking that then it's too unbelievable.
Only when you explain the ending does it make sense, and I think that should be fixed.
Good luck with it.
Dan
Hey Dan,
thank you for taking the time to made it through my second draft. I really appreciate it. Your words are motivating me to become better. You definitely made a point with the grammar and with the idea of making the process a little more complex. I'll keep that in mind for the next story. I'm very happy that you see potential in my story and that it was easier to read through. Very positive for me - It seems like I'm making a small progress - YES, finally!
FADE IN: always goes on the left, never the right.
Right out of the gate, it's overwritten. Sometimes it works, but in your script, it's too much. Sometimes, simple is better. Less is more. I would trim the hell out of your opening paragraph.
The second paragraph, I would break up into two... or even three.
Quoted Text
RONALD What in the good name of God?
A little too dramatic/Shakespeare. I'd change it to
Quoted Text
RONALD What in God's name...?
This does in four words what it took you seven words to do.
Quoted Text
PETER We’ve come [We're too late.] (or) [T]oo late.
Quoted Text
Ronald is looking [looks] suspiciously at some ripped pieces of paper.
Try to avoid passive writing.
Quoted Text
On one of the pieces [pages] is written:
Reads better, imo.
Quoted Text
Ronald moves to Peter, who is looking at something on the ground, hidden behind a metallic cupboard.
This is how you write an action line. This tells us everything we need to know in a clear and concise manner.
I'd move the word "silently" to either before "raises" or after "arm."
Quoted Text
Ronald moves his glance to Peter[']s discovery [glances at Peter].
Quoted Text
In front of Peter is [are] the bloody remains, of something which what used to be an arm.
It still reads weird, but it's less awkward than what you wrote.
Quoted Text
(holding his hand in front of his mouth)
This parenthetical (don't overuse these!) is too long! They should only be one line long, and used sparingly; actors hate these. How would you like to be told how to say a line? It could just as easily be "(covers his mouth)".
"The emergency?" I'd change it to 911, which I'd write out as Nine-One-One Actually, drop the police; 911 is a catch-all for cops, paramedics, and the fire department. All three respond to each emergency, regardless if it actually concerns them.
"I don't [have] a (my?) phone with me."
Quoted Text
In the office room is a telephone, which we can use.
Terrible line. I'm sorry. It should read:
Quoted Text
We can use the office phone.
Quoted Text
We should leave this place, right now!
The paragraph after CLANK! is too long. Let's clean it up some more.
Quoted Text
Ronald’s looks down at the ground.
His foot has hit(s) a small silver bracelet. He kneels down, picks it up and inspects it.
It has three small pendants on it.
Two silver hearts and a silver bear with a small pink jewel in it.
His hands start to tremble as he gazes at the small bracelet [it].
I'm on page 2. Not the best start, I'm afraid. This is about the same page I bailed on your first draft.
Who's Eva? Oh, never mind.
Quoted Text
PETER What are you talking, Ron? Why should she be here! This makes no sense at all. The only rational thing is [we need] to leave this place... (looking at the scratched metallic walls) ...And this as soon as we can.
"Loren is also here." "Loren's also here." Do these characters ever use contractions?
"What are you talking [about]? If it so"
You're overusing parentheticals.
Quoted Text
PETER First: We stay together, no matter what happen(s). Second: We don’t put us under unnecessary [in] danger and third: If we don’t find them in one hour, we’ll leave. and get back with help.
"I’ve got a bad feeling about this."
I didn't know this was a Star Wars script.
"Two slide doors moves"
A specific army should be capitalized. I love the line, though. Made me chuckle.
Quoted Text
PETER Why do I have the bad feeling, that we don’t wanna find out the answer of that.
I'd honestly cut this line. More dramatic.
Quoted Text
PETER (looking at the bloody keypad) in the wall) It has [There's] a good reason, why we both work in different sections. (typing some numbers in) In my workplace - the baddest accidents were spilled coffees or empty toilet papers.
This parapgraph, I would break up, starting at "Dozens of tables". It'sd still overwritten, though.
[quote]His eyes widen, he falls on his knees and some vomit(s.) crawls up his throat and finds its way out, through his mouth.
The paragraph about the corpse is too long and overwritten, even if you broke it up into four or five paragraphs.
I'm halfway into it. I'll have to stop here. Sorry. Too many issues with this one, but still an improvement on the first draft.
FADE IN: always goes on the left, never the right.
Right out of the gate, it's overwritten. Sometimes it works, but in your script, it's too much. Sometimes, simple is better. Less is more. I would trim the hell out of your opening paragraph.
The second paragraph, I would break up into two... or even three.
A little too dramatic/Shakespeare. I'd change it to
This does in four words what it took you seven words to do.
Try to avoid passive writing.
Reads better, imo.
This is how you write an action line. This tells us everything we need to know in a clear and concise manner.
I'd move the word "silently" to either before "raises" or after "arm."
It still reads weird, but it's less awkward than what you wrote.
This parenthetical (don't overuse these!) is too long! They should only be one line long, and used sparingly; actors hate these. How would you like to be told how to say a line? It could just as easily be "(covers his mouth)".
"The emergency?" I'd change it to 911, which I'd write out as Nine-One-One Actually, drop the police; 911 is a catch-all for cops, paramedics, and the fire department. All three respond to each emergency, regardless if it actually concerns them.
"I don't [have] a (my?) phone with me."
Terrible line. I'm sorry. It should read:
The paragraph after CLANK! is too long. Let's clean it up some more.
I'm on page 2. Not the best start, I'm afraid. This is about the same page I bailed on your first draft.
Who's Eva? Oh, never mind.
"Loren is also here." "Loren's also here." Do these characters ever use contractions?
"What are you talking [about]? If it so"
You're overusing parentheticals.
"I’ve got a bad feeling about this."
I didn't know this was a Star Wars script.
"Two slide doors moves"
A specific army should be capitalized. I love the line, though. Made me chuckle.
I'd honestly cut this line. More dramatic.
This parapgraph, I would break up, starting at "Dozens of tables". It'sd still overwritten, though.
[quote]His eyes widen, he falls on his knees and some vomit(s.) crawls up his throat and finds its way out, through his mouth.
The paragraph about the corpse is too long and overwritten, even if you broke it up into four or five paragraphs.
I'm halfway into it. I'll have to stop here. Sorry. Too many issues with this one, but still an improvement on the first draft.
Chris, I can't honestly not thank you enough for taking these much efforts. Your breakthrough teaches me a lot and I'll learn as good as I can from it to avoid those mistakes and get a smooth style like you showed. Thank you so much for your feedback, mate.