I know you can rework this and make it sing. I think you might have to decide which direction to go with it. I'd be happy to review your rewrite.

This is so different in style in tone to everything I read from you. Very interesting - I would never have pinned it as yours.

Hi, Philip

Hats off to you for your bravery in submitting this style.
I think you deserve a medal for catching so much sh!t over how things read vs. what is to be filmed.
Been pounded for the same.
People.
Whatchagonnado.

Good story, just the same.
I never lost sight of that.

Congratulations.


Ray

Thanks for all your comments. I appreciate that this wasn’t for everyone and that it’s not an easy read even for the people who did like it.

The way the challenge was worded seemed to invite us to take risks so I pushed my idea hard and, as it was described above, was “swinging for the cheap seats”.

The page 8 multiple flash car killing scene was my “attempt at creating standout/iconic moments”. It’s a hard read, but audiences are often asked to watch scenes that edit quickly and have heavy sound (Psycho shower scene, say) so it seems fair for a writer to attempt to write one.

The letters after FLASH in that scene were an attempt to help the reader. They stand for the dead person whose point of view that FLASH is (D for Dylan, etc).

I’m happy with how this turned out. To beat the metaphor to death... it’s better to strike out swinging.

I’m adding this to my list of possible feature ideas, since it wanted more pages than it got.

Thanks
Philip