Bell Tolls by Philip Whitcroft (pwhitcroft) - Short - A disabled woman uses her visions of the moments after people die to battle a Banshee that feeds on souls.

A February 2011 One Week Challenge script. - pdf, format

Let me start by saying this. I've only read one other sp in the OWC thus far. Yours is the second. However, this would be an early favorite of mine You not just nailed it, you hammered it too. Good stuff. (Although it is a tad overkill on p8 with varied POV)

When I first started reading, I was slightly concerned with the repeated dings but by page three, I was fine with that. I might have tried other words, but it does have a slight cadence to it. It sets a pace and the flavor. What could have been slow rock and rolls from the start. Crash Boom and Bang I'm in the script.

A few past tense ings aren't enough to derail the read. The pace is well done. Very visual, nice flow. I don't have anything really bad to say here. If ScarTissue chooses not to do this one, I say fix whatever you feel needs fixing, and shop it around.

Aside from p8, (and lack of white space which makes a few things borderline on being crammed, put you did it to fit in ten, I'm sure) I really enjoyed this piece.

=DJS

Dang, William.

This is some pretty cool work.
Educationally excellent, really.

A very interesting construct of presentation, and that's what makes this attractive.

Visually, it's going to be choppy as hades if filmed.
Editing will be a real b!tch. LOL!

The only grievance I have is that it seems partial or incomplete.
Like a sequence from a feature-length movie rather than a short story.

But an audience would certainly remember watching it.
This is excellent.
Very well done.  

I would have liked more character descriptions for Gwen and Reese. I was getting mixed up who was who and I think that was down to the early introductions not having a lot to them.

I was getting pretty confused by all the flashes and the like, it was a pretty difficult read but that might just be me. I didn't like the way you formatted the flashes - I think that's why I was getting confused. I have no idea what the letters stand for after the flashes.

It seemed like Gwen was showing up everywhere despite her disability. For example, I thought from the bottom of page 4 to the middle of page 5 was all taking place in the old man's house - due to the slug lines you used. On a second read I take it we're now in the bungalow when Gwen comes into it. Mini-slugs are an excellent tool when used correctly but I don't think they have been here. I was getting too mixed up by locations. When using more than one main location it's important to clearly distinguish between the two when you change slug lines.

I'm not sure if the supermarket scene was really needed. For me, all that does is highlight her disability, which we already knew about.

The ending was just really too confusing for me. I'd have preferred if you cut back on the number of times you used the flashes and just told your story because it feels like there is a really good story in here but i just didn't get it. Hopefully I'm the odd one out and everyone else understands it perfectly.

All the best,

Ste

Very visually interesting and its good you tried a differnt approach.

I was a bit confused early on as to what the go was, but once I realised the story, i got into it.
The scenes in the car however were a little too much of a good thing - ok, we can see what sort of effects you are using to tell the story, but the 'dings' seemed to interfere with the reading after awhile. But its tough - I used a vaguely similair approach for a scene in mine, and I had to really map it out properly.

Anyway, a nice effort and I really liked the way you used the Banshee mythology.

This is the first script I've read as part of the challenge and it was a great place to start - hopefully many of the others will live up to this early promise.

I thoroughly enjoyed the story, although I do have a few gripes:

Character descriptions - Gwen and Reese are the main characters, yet all we know about them is their age.  Adding a little info about them (it doesn't necessarily have to be a lot, just a short sentence can suffice) helps create a visual picture and can add personality.

The Dings! - I'm not sure that these were even needed, and found them a little distracting. I think that just having the 'Flash' would have been fine.  Although I had gotten used to them by the mid point, I found that in the beginning they were constantly taking me out of the story.

The Flashes - Although these are essential to your story I found them a little overused at times, especially towards the end.  Page 8 alone is made up almost entirely of these flashes from the different characters and gets very confusing.  I think it would be a lot more effective if you could cut down the number of times you use it here, as a lot of the flashes seemed unnecessary.

Despite these complaints, I still enjoyed the story a great deal. Well done!

I'm sorry, but I didn't care too much for this one.  Seemed disjointed, no emotion, very mechanical.  Ding, flash, ding, flash, ding- that was irritating.   Plus, I'm not sure this would make for such a great film.   Might be because I just woke up and this is only my second read....so writer, please keep that in mind.  Diff strokes, diff folks.

Good job on completing OWC.  You're writing style is lean and clean- that's a big plus.

This is my second script, I think I'll have to give it another read though. I had a hard time getting it, but that could be because I just got in from work.  

I think I will wait for the movie on this one.

I have a degree in history and a minor in 18th century philosophy, and can read the non mathematical aspects to quantum theory, but I can't get through this. Maybe I need more coffee. It's just too much for me, especially with all the ding flashes.

It's probably a great script and I am just not enough of an experienced script reader to be able to follow along.

Ding Flash?

Your use of flash is ok, I kinda got what you were going for. I would rather you didn't use a scene heading or put it between a BEGIN FLASH - END FLASH.

What is wrong with people here? Why so few character descriptions? A little is good, but none is bad.

Some of the dialog reads unnatural. Having a human read your dialog aloud while you listen can be very helpful in getting a natural voice. Then again it could be English thing.

This one was strange for me. It sorta felt like two stories. With two arcs. The first a more classic tale and the last a pure action. I think you had an idea and ran with it, but it needs refinement. If the first kill was a first act setup it needs to happen a lot faster, maybe start as the guy is checking out the right house and show her skills faster. Then introduce Fionn maybe at the beginning of the second act.

Not a bad effort. I'm sure with a second week it would've been better.

Difficult to read, but could be a terrific film.  If (and I hope you do) you expand this, I think it will retain all of the shock power and (if we get to know something about the people who are going to die) it will have the depth that is hinted at in what we have so far.
Beautifully energetic writing, solid archetypal characters, and a real feeling of strength and love in all the actions of the heroes.  Good stuff.

Good on you for submitting to the OWC.
I applaud you for swinging for the cheap seats with this one.
You had a vision and you stuck to it and gave it a good ride.
Personally, it was a chore for me to read.
The flash format and herky jerky scenes prevented me from a steady read.
The actual scenes feel almost as staccato as the ding flashes.
Good try, I'm sure others will be more amenable to the style flourish.

E.D.

Whoa! looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue. This was a tedious read for me.

The writer clearly knows how to write. And they have a very distinct view for this story. A bit too distinct IMO, I think the way its written would limit the amount of input a director could have on in.

I was fine with how the story unfolded. This could make a great film, but its a difficult script. One that requires a second read at least. At least from the daft, wherever they are...

James

This script kind of gave me a headache.  I was relieved when the dings finally stopped, but then we go to a completely inappropriate INTERCUT that makes it nearly impossible to follow the action.

And I groaned as the ding, flashes returned.

It is not a bad story you have here, and honestly, it is not even a bad device, but it is so overused that it makes the reading a real chore.

Paraphrasing Electric from a few posts up, a swing and a miss.

I do respect the bold choice you made here, but I do not think it works as you had hoped.

Bell Tolls               
               
CRITERIA               
Horror ***
Low budget     ***
Powerful > Flashes distracting. Pacing good.
Original ***
Celtic Myth > banshee, Gwen can hear death bell (ding! )(?)
Visually interesting > banshee would be central part
Memorable characters ***
Unique ending > seawater  dashes the  banshee
Standout moments > Reese at the car trying to save son
               
LIMITATIONS               
Locations, vehicles, animals ***
               
*** average impact/no specific comments               
               
               
               

I'm wondering if the "DING-FLASH!" bothered anyone else as they read this...
I like the idea of using a "DING-FLASH" but using it so much takes the special-ness of it away. It could've been a technique to take the story to another level yet in a way it holds it back.

I'm thinking about this...if made into a film, would it be a good one? The dialogue reads a bit too mechanical with little to no emotion. I would suggest reading it out loud when you're finished to make sure it sounds natural.

Now, trying to ignore those "DING-FLASHes" I can see good pace and flow. I would suggest editing out the supermarket scene though. It isn't needed in my opinion but It's your choice.

Good luck with your writing!

-Bryan

I feel like I'm just missing the whole point to this one. The logline allowed me to know a bit, but I was really disappointed in the read. To be honest, it actually made me feel angry and like chucking my my Apple across the room. I really think you overdid the DING! FLASH! This is a good example of overkill and it really didn't work for me at all.

I do love the title and I love the idea behind this, but its the execution that is messed up for me. I'd love to be supplied with more context before all the Ding/Flash and know who they are searching for and why right off the bat. Then maybe I care and I'll be willing to put up with a little Ding/Flash. On the positive side, I think that I'm going to use Ding/Flash in the future to describe abrupt actions together with overkill.

It's one of those sweet memories that comes with reading a lot of scripts, I guess and becomes part of Simply Culture. I'll try and come back to this again, but right now, yes, I find myself highly irritated by it.

I noted this:

GWEN Late nineteen fifties build, a
street light, center of the window.

*I was thinking Gwen had a 1950's style to her dress.

And this on page 2:

Page 2

He crashes out. Who is “He”?

Is there a man on page 2 that I missed?

Congratulations on completing the challenge.

Sandra

It's a bit fragmented for me. And old woman seeing things is a nice idea but the action keeps shifting too much. And who is this old woman? - Gwen is just 30.
Like here
"EXT. BUNGALOW - NIGHT The hot hatch surrounded by devastation. Reese falls unable to walk.
REESE Keep running, Brandon!
Brandon flees down the street."
Which street - is it all in Intercut mode.

Then all these DingFlashes... - D W --what does it mean?

The idea of seeing stuff is very good, reminds me of Minority Report. Minority Report written simply, why don't you simplify the writing in yours too. -just a suggestion, I rarely comment on writing but this was hard to read.

I have to be honest...the DING-FLASH thing really distracted me from the story.  I had a hard time focussing.  I have ADD...that might be why.  Hopefully it's just me.  If not, you may want to tone down the "loudness" so people can get to the meat of the story.

Pros

Memorable lead character.

Strong concept.

Very good use of the Banshee type character.

A bold effort.

Cons

Story slightly less than the sum of its parts. It's got the legs, not quite the execution as yet.

The Ding thing has been commented on. It made the story very fragmented and unecessarily so. I think a slightly easier and controlled system of "divination/second sight" would help you to smooth the story and allow you to focus more on the story mechanics.

Keaton raised a good point about the two story types. Personally I think the mystery, suspense type approach works better than the all out action.

Also like to see more backstory to the phenomenon...what it's trying to do, it's motivation and a stronger theme.

There's definite potential there though.

This one was hard to follow.  After a second read, it's still a little unclear to me exactly what was going on.  

The banshee attack in the car was cool, but Reese's death didn't make much sense.  And Brandon takes off running and that's the last we see of him.  The ending had more of an action feel to it than horror.

As for the now-notorious DING-FLASH, I understand what you were shooting for.  The bell tolls and the woman has her visions.  But when it got to Ding-Flash(D), (W) and (T), I was just lost.

A very creative entry, but I wish it had more clarity and focus.

It's far too cumbersome to read.  It's too cluttered and when, in the rare event it wasn't, you had the absurd DING and FLASH bit to worry about.  Your script is so jammed packed, screaming in my face to breath that I couldn't continue it past page 6.  It just didn't do anything to keep me trudging through it.

Your format needs work.  Space.  You need to learn how to convey these DINGS and FLASHES in a way where it doesn't weight the reader down.  Jwent said something along the lines of it being boring or tedious to read... I agree with this 100%.  

Another thing I noticed, Gwen starts of over 80% of the action bricks. Change up Gwen to she or just use the action she's doing first.  You need to variate and switch up to keep pace and flow flowing.

This was tough.

The barrage of various flashes toward the end is where I officially gave up on understanding.  There was like 5 characters having flashes - I just didn't get it, nor did I really get any of the characters for that matter.

Dialogue was another rough spot as they're saying important things but it's presented so blandly that it contributes to all of the convolution going on.  That was another thing - there's A LOT going on and I honestly couldn't tell which way you were trying to go with this.

I think there's something good buried somewhere in here.  I picked up on the mythological stuff and I thought your logline was interesting - but this is way overwritten as it is and was a project to get through.  Rewrite this because I think you're probably onto something, but as is it's a tough one.  

Nice effort though.

Greg

DAMN! FLASH-

This wore me out. The story was Okay but the very tedious means why which I have to pull out the story did not make for an enjoyable read at all.

The story was good but lost in the writing.

I never want to work that hard just to get to the end.

Shawn.....><

I read this yesterday and was completely distracted by the DING, FLASHES.  So much so, that I found myself unable to concentrate on the story.  I gave it another try today and I have to say the story kind of rocked.  

The use of mythology was very cool with the addition of the crippled clairvoyant (is that what she is)?  I liked the turn where the banshee inhabited Fionn's body for revenge against Gwen/Reese.  Cool turn with Reese sacrificing himself to help Gwen defeat the banshee.  

Great job on this.

EDIT: This is my favorite of the first 10 scripts released.

The writing here was competent and self assured. I found the DING FLASH professional, but it interrupted the flow. FIONN is a man's name! Interesting take on the Banshee tale. I liked the heroine, it was atypical and nicely thought out. Good story. Great job on completing the OWC.

WOW, WTF?  No...no...NO!

Sorry, can't get past page 2 here.  Way too distracting with those damn DING FLASH things.  Way too staccato.  Way too difficult to read, understand, and enjoy.  Many lines made no sense to me.  Much of the dialogue seemed completely unnatural.  Slugs were buried inside DING FLASH's.  Basically, really fucked up.

You went for something unique and new, and when you do that, you're going to get 2 ends of the stick...people will either love it or hate it, based on the way it's written and looks.  Because of this, story really doesn't even matter.

I hated it and couldn't get through 2 full pages even. IMO, this is not the way to go.  Tell your story and do it in a way that isn't going to alienate people from your script.

Bold move, but a big whiff as far as I'm concerned.

I am determined to come back to this story soon. I feel like I might be missing out on a good story by a good writer due to flaws in my own ability as a reader. Maybe tomorrow.

Sorry to the writer but I didn't have the gumption to get past the DING-FLASH thingy.

It's almost like you are telling the film editor how to do their job. Which for me is even more of a no-no than telling the director what to do.

Unless I'm missing somthing. I dunno, this confused me.

I had a hard time with the ding flashes, I wasn't sure what you meant. I never really got into this. By page 8 you had lost my attention and I stopped reading. Sorry, just being honest.

I know you can rework this and make it sing. I think you might have to decide which direction to go with it. I'd be happy to review your rewrite.

This is so different in style in tone to everything I read from you. Very interesting - I would never have pinned it as yours.

Hi, Philip

Hats off to you for your bravery in submitting this style.
I think you deserve a medal for catching so much sh!t over how things read vs. what is to be filmed.
Been pounded for the same.
People.
Whatchagonnado.

Good story, just the same.
I never lost sight of that.

Congratulations.


Ray

Thanks for all your comments. I appreciate that this wasn’t for everyone and that it’s not an easy read even for the people who did like it.

The way the challenge was worded seemed to invite us to take risks so I pushed my idea hard and, as it was described above, was “swinging for the cheap seats”.

The page 8 multiple flash car killing scene was my “attempt at creating standout/iconic moments”. It’s a hard read, but audiences are often asked to watch scenes that edit quickly and have heavy sound (Psycho shower scene, say) so it seems fair for a writer to attempt to write one.

The letters after FLASH in that scene were an attempt to help the reader. They stand for the dead person whose point of view that FLASH is (D for Dylan, etc).

I’m happy with how this turned out. To beat the metaphor to death... it’s better to strike out swinging.

I’m adding this to my list of possible feature ideas, since it wanted more pages than it got.

Thanks
Philip