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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    February 2011 One Week Challenge  ›  The Lamb - Feb 2011 OWC Moderators: Grandma Bear
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  Author    The Lamb - Feb 2011 OWC  (currently 1919 views)
shootingduck
Posted: March 3rd, 2011, 6:06pm Report to Moderator
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I think I get what you were going for with Jeff...  Have the characters talk him up before you ever actually see him and then spring him on us.  If that was your intent, it just wasn't done effectively.  Personally, I like the device.  But it only works if you give us important details about the characters personality.  Give us reasons to fear him, detest him, loathe him so we have all these emotions bubbling up inside and then when we see him we're already madly in hate with him...  But all you tell us about Jeff is he's some guy who bought his friend a drugged beer.  So when we see this Jeff guy, we already know he's a pussy, which is not new to us when he tries to barter for his life and "explain" things to Dave.  We don't have a reason to care about Jeff or enough reason to hate him, therefore his death is rendered virtually meaningless.

The visuals in the scene with Impailed Woman are decent, especially the relentlessness of her actual death.  However, the dialogue and characterization make no sense.  She brought her friend there to be sacrificed and yet she herself was dying anyway.  So you're subtly foreshadowing that even though Jeff did that to Dave, Jeff will likely not make it out of this place either.  Okay.  But in her dialogue she actually says "Jeff."  The timeline doesn't make sense... if she brought Jeff down here, how did Jeff escape to get Dave and why would Jeff even bother coming back in the first place?  This would also seem to imply that Dave could get out if indeed he weren't a moron who runs around in circular hallways.  Overall, her scene feels like a plot flaw.  Maybe it's something that you were trying to hint at, maybe it's something you could expound upon in a longer rewrite.  I'm not sure.

I'm also not sure why Dave was trying to pull the pipe out... if the pipe is lodged in the wall, he can't pull the whole wall through her.  He'd have to pull her off of the pipe.  Which would likely kill her anyway, so it's kind of pointless.  I get that's it's a kind of desperation, grasping at straws, but visually I don't think it would make much sense.
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greg
Posted: March 4th, 2011, 1:20am Report to Moderator
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This one didn't work for me.

A lot of questions to be asked that there were no answers to.  Jeff was introduced far too late and I just couldn't accept what was going on.  The chase scenes were pretty lengthy too.  

The ending was nicely ironic, though it's been done before of people trying to escape Death only to be killed in the end.  

So I really couldn't get into this but good effort for a week.

Greg


Be excellent to each other
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RayW
Posted: March 4th, 2011, 2:07pm Report to Moderator
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Hi, William

Left justified FADE IN:

Don't do the camera shot thingie.

"I don't think he can hear you" was pretty funny.

I don't care for what a dolt Dave is.

Gotta hit your ENTER button pretty much after every sentence in your action blocks.

The scenes are certainly horrific, though I'm not real clear on why dead people are littering this "reception hall" of Angou.

Nice little spooky talk there at the end.
Nice story.  GL!



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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: March 4th, 2011, 2:24pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Pros

Interesting visuals. Good opportunity for bold set design.

Good atmosphere and a suitably meaty tone.

Brave choice to use the Angou.

Cons

Death in his various disguises crops up often and it's very hard to come up with a new twist on the story. The biggest problem here is that I'm not sure you've quite managed it.

You need to find some way of taking the audience in surprising directions with the character.

Very good effort though.
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