Bloodstorm by Stanley Cross - Short - Patrons in a Scottish pub face a malevolent evil.

A February 2011 One Week Challenge script. - pdf, format

I enjoyed the opening image. I think you could nail the wording more. It's getting late and I'm feeling silly. In the following:

>Behind them, the oily waters of a large lake chop in the breeze.

*Silly me, thought of a large lake chop as being like a pork chop.

I like the following:

RADIO ANNOUNCER(O.S) ...worst summer storm in
decades, between Inverness and Fort William. Police are urging people to stay indoors and be prepared for__

I know it might be kinduv standard, but when that happens, it makes me all ready for a good ghostie story.

Again, I'm being silly, but when I read this:

>DUNCAN
They fear anything made of iron.
It harms them. Do not hesitate to use weapons.

I thought:

*Quick! Get to the kitchen! I’ve gotta high powered Sunbeam with fast steam injection that’ll get the wrinkles out of the worst ironing nightmare there’ll ever be!

Point is, when crazy readers read too many OWC scripts, they kind of get a bit more daft than they already are.   Just be careful that your dialogue doesn't sound too contrived.

Here:

>JEFF Vampires? What century are you
living in? For god's sake, it's__

*The one with Twilight  

Then,

>DUNCAN They have ways of overpowering
minds.

*So do Simplyscripters! Moo-ha-ha-ha!

The following is a bit play-by-play

DUNCAN
She's getting more powerful,
feeding off the deaths of her sisters...all hope is lost.

I'm almost thinkin' someone's playin' around here.  

Try and work on showing more rather than explaining in dialogue.

Good effort.

Sandra

Apparently the Sith are the monsters of choice for this OWC.  This script started out well with the image of the four vampire sisters, each one with the different hair color.  But, then it became more of a standard shocker as the disbelieving patrons of the pub are forced to confront the evil.

Slug lines are your friends.  Why do you have such an aversion to them?  Starting on page 2, you throw your slug lines out the window and simply use "Bus", "Road" and "Pub."  You can't do that.  Each time you switch locales, you need a new slug.  This made for a very confusing and distracting read, and I almost gave up.

The action in the pub was pretty cool.  Do the Sith actually have a weakness for iron or was that part made up?

A lot of the dialogue had an over the top sound to it, as the above poster noted.

Unusual, atmospheric ending, as Sean wades into the waters.

This had a rushed feel to it, like you didn't have time to find glaring technical mistakes or polish your dialogue.  I think with a little work this could make a cool little story.  

Bloodstorm * I liked it * Opening image was cool as was the closing image * the battle in the pub was well done * the enemy was vanquished a tad too easily * Duncan was Mr. Exposition * the only line of dialogue that really bugged me was “do not hesitate to use weapons” * logic check – if the wife was a sith, couldn’t she have killed the bar patrons or at least opened the door? * a draft  or three away from a solid story

Good on you, at least yours felt like it was specifically written for this OWC.
I didn't really get why we needed several pages with Kenny and the bus.
Seems an unnecessary expenditure for a short film budget.
Using mini slugs to establish entirely new scenes made for a schizophrenic read.
The action was pretty detailed, had an Evil Deadish claustrophobic feel at times.
The attack itself seemed random, lacking real character centric goals.
I really liked the opening scene a lot, got me excited for the story.

E.D.

Hi, Stanley

Pg 3 - Where the H did Duncan (sittin' over his pint at the bar) come from off screen talking about "They will rise again"?
Izzat supposed to be a voice over?

You're using underscores ( _ ) where you should be using double dashes ( -- ) to indicate interruptions in dialog.

Eh... That was okay.
A little forced and disjointed.

The bus thing adds a tremendous amount of expense for no payoff.
Too many characters, even for me.
The animosity between Alex and Duncan seem odd for a proprietor to be so foul with a regular.
Now, if Duncan was a minister or father in his little B&W get-up that'd go a long way with his pontifications.
And everyone seemed to rally together over here-say and wet girls in the rain.

Strangers thrown together for a desperate stand is a little cliche-ish.
BREAKFAST CLUB meets Van Helsing.

I appreciated the artsy approach of this story.   A little too jumpy, but compared to the other scripts I've read this one stands out as being one of the more creative stories.  I thought the title was kinda cool until I googled it and found out it's been used in another horror movie.   Aside from that, good effort.

I liked this.  It was really well written and moved along nicely.  I generally don't tend to be a fan of horror/humor, but this one worked for me.  

I did think having Donna suddenly reveal herself to be a Sith was stretching a little.  Guess you were looking to throw a twist in there, but that one seemed totally out of the blue for me.  

All in all, it was a great effort.

Some nice imagery and atmosphere here. I liked the set up, but have to say the quick flip-flops from inside and outside the pub made it tad haphazard. Had to go back and re-read a couple of times. The VO moments confused me a bit as well.

On the screen it would probably be fine, though.

Decent.  

Your slugs aren't double spaced. I also don't like going from in the pub to the road without INT/EXT. It made for a difficult read. I couldn't grasp where we were. Last I checked, this was a rule that was pretty concrete. Mini slugs are only appropriate in one local with different rooms. Then again, Everybody's breaking the rules these days. Done about format.


Overall I really liked this one. Had a nice eerie overtone. Perfect for the challenge. We've seen these bar battles several times, but i never get sick of them.

I thought the way this was being told, that Kenny was a ghost. When he says to alex that his cousin sent him, he was going to tell him he'd been dead for a year.

Any way, I thought Donna turning into one of them wasn't well enough explained as to why it happened. But, thats my only gripe.

Good job writing a script in a week.

James

In a Scottish face?

Ok, the title scream ScyFy channel Saturday special. This isn't a compliment.

You open with bland descriptions an then pow with golden rain? That's not even visual. I would work on these descriptions. Check out the screenplays of writers you respect and mimic them until you get your own voice.

Your scene headings are all wonkey. Check a guide.

Sorry, but this lost my attention. I can't really put my finger on why though.

I liked the fight scene, very much and everything about Sean except the ending.  The ending didn't make sense to me.

*Spoilers*

Well written, strong story.  

My only gripe about the script is the very end...  I'm not sure what Sean's final scene signified.  
That could be a fault on my part, due to lack of familiarity with this particular mythos.  

But the rest of the script worked well for me...and read like a contemporary vampire scene.  Like Buffy with a Scottish burr.  And that's fine with me...

I think the writer worked out some good concepts for his creatures. The challenge we all have as story tellers is how to introduce those aspects. In the case of a script, it has to be primarily through dialogue, and that can be tough. I thought the dialogue flowed pretty good, except when it was introducing these concept specifics, which came off as unnatural in the language. But I would not be discouraged by that. It's why we're here, trying to learn stuff like that.

The challenge idea is that we have to write something in a week about a topic not quite of our choosing. With those limitations, the writer did a pretty good job creating a story.

I have said in other posts, that in my personal opinion, for a horror story to work, it has to either seem at least somehow plausible if you suspend disbelief; or if it does not, you should go completely the other way. If it's over the top, make it WAY over the top, and make it funny. Like a lot of stories, this one is down the middle, and in my opinion should try to either be a little more plausible, or go the other way and become more over the top.

I suspect that many, many horror movies that have been produced and succeeded started out with the same problem, being kind of in the middle. As the writing process proceeds they evolve in one direction or the other. There are characters and concepts here that could evolve. It depends on the preference of the writer, but feedback might influence that process, so the challenge is cool for that.

Pretty good effort overall here, and a starting point to work with. Congrats!

Well...for starters, the logline attracted me here..but not in a good way, as it's obviously missing a word.  Hopefully, it was either a time constraint thing or maybe the great Don somehow fucked it up.

I was expecting a shitfest, but after the first scene, I was pleasantly surprised, to say the least.

All in all, this is one of the best ones I've read so far, in terms of scope, story, and authenticity.  I have a feeling time did play a role in parts not being what they could have been.

Let's get into it...

I've read the feedback and although I agree that the entire bus scene and Kenny character adds alot of expense for little payoff, it also adds alot to the overall flavor here.  This isn't low budget, IMO, and it's probably a 15 minute short, done the right way, but kudos to the writer for going for it anyway.

Characters were hit and miss with me.  Dialogue was also hit and miss, although it's obvious the writer is either Scottish, or did some research, and you know that's always a BIG plus in my book.  At times, each character had good, solid moments and dialogue, but at others, it seemed like an American, or maybe Aussie slang crept in.

I've read the feedback about the bar scene being cliche, and maybe it is, but fuck it, who cares, it's well done visually.  It's just not written well...maybe rushed.  On page 10, the prose changes and is way too thick and detailed.  Tough to get through and really grasp.  Probably my 2md biggest beef here.

#1 beef is the use of Mini Slugs where they shouldn't be used.  No reason for this at all.  Makes the read confusing.  Slows it down instead of speeding it up like the writer probably was hoping for.  Needs to be cleaned up ASAP!!!!  Shame on you!!!

The deal with the American's wife turning into a Sith wasn't clear enough for me.  I got it that she was killed in the pub and then turned and there was something early on about only women would turn, but personally, I didn't think it was necessary and actually wish it wasn't there.

IMO, this probably should be a 15 page script or so the way it sits.  Nothing wrong with that, but for this challenge, it seems too big, but in the same breath, I'll say Kudos for going for it and actually making this fit into 11 pages.

Great research or general knowledge of Scotland.  Great story.  Too big in terms of budget, most likely, and too many characters and things going on for 10-12 pages.

Easily one of my faves, though.  Congrats on a very solid OWC entry.