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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    February 2011 One Week Challenge  ›  Selvage - Feb 2011 OWC - Filmed! Moderators: Grandma Bear
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  Author    Selvage - Feb 2011 OWC - Filmed!  (currently 4342 views)
stevie
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 9:10pm Report to Moderator
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This has some pretty chilling stuff in it but is more a straight horror/Halloween one.

If there was a connection with the mythic beings needed for the challenge, it would've been more effective.

Tautly written though, so kudos for that



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stevie  -  February 28th, 2011, 9:11pm
gram errors
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c m hall
Posted: March 1st, 2011, 8:28am Report to Moderator
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SPOILERS

I really like the story and the way the tension builds up, good writing.  If you could extend the length, bring the characters to life more, maybe flashbacks of the girls' personal demons, etc., it could be a good, scary movie.  
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Dreamscale
Posted: March 1st, 2011, 9:44pm Report to Moderator
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Well...hmmm...OK...

Not bad, really. There are some well done visuals, especially right at the end, but for me, it just didn't have enough life or uniqueness.  I didn't like the Candyman ref and I'm not sure what myth this centered around.

There were some mistakes including one past tense verb. I know, only a week's time.  It's not bad for that at all, and I think with some more time and thought, it could play out much better.

Characterization was non existent though, and that's always going to be a killer. When you intro'd the Mom on the phone, I assumed and hoped she would play into the mythology or at least come into play.  She didn't and because of that, IMO, her dialogue time was a waste.

I definitely want to know what the title is supposed to mean.

Solid OWC entry.  Congrats!


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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keaton01
Posted: March 2nd, 2011, 10:54pm Report to Moderator
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What does a goblin look like?

You're rushing these girls. Love the Clive Barker nod.

Mom's VO is just weird, I think because it doesn't sound real.

What is with you SS guys and 'The End'?

It was a good effort. Could use some maturation. The whole Mom's a witch thing came out of nowhere. It might have been better to use the entity that killer the first girl to ramp up the tension or maybe one victim becomes the killer of the next like it sorta does now without the exposition.


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mcornetto
Posted: March 3rd, 2011, 2:23am Report to Moderator
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For a one week script this wasn't bad.  The feel of the story and the dialogue was very good actually.  It unfolded well and created lots of tension.  The teenage girls were very natural sounding.

I think my main problem with this was that it seemed so very familiar, like I've seen it tons of times before.   I didn't really get the feeling that anything new was transpiring.  It didn't transport me.

Production wise it seemed like it would be fairly inexpensive.  Though homeowners are never really too happy when you get a lot of stage blood all over their house - you'd probably end up with a cleaning bill out of the deal.

Good job.  
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greg
Posted: March 3rd, 2011, 3:00am Report to Moderator
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This was pretty good.  Nice flow, nicely written, and pretty creepy once things got going.

The manner in which Jules recited the myth was awkward and clunky.  It's like that Seinfeld episode where Jerry goes "how long have you been waiting to throw that into a conversation?"  But after that things picked up.  I especially liked that Jules covered every possible reflection in the house, including picture frames and the television.  Good thinking there.  

Overall I liked this.  Nicely done.

Greg


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GM
Posted: March 3rd, 2011, 10:36am Report to Moderator
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Need to give a better hint early on that Jule mother's a professional in what happens (don't want to give it away). Cliche but I think it was good for ten pgs. I just didn't buy the mother instructing the children on what to do.

Hope this helps,
Gabe  
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Leon
Posted: March 3rd, 2011, 10:52am Report to Moderator
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Hi. I enjoyed this one, it was well written, has some good suspense, i liked the use of the mirrors.

I more of less agree with the other comments.  I think the explaining of the myth could be more eloquent, a little richer.  

I feel it was a little too predictable leading up to the death of Sara.

The mom was really jarring for me, i think maybe because it kinda takes you out of the house.  It has a trapped claustrophobic feel to it and i feel her V.O from elsewhere breaks this.  Maybe she consults a book  (is that too much of a cliche, i'm new to this horror stuff).

But still an enjoyable story, i felt genuine fear in there.


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Eoin
Posted: March 3rd, 2011, 1:41pm Report to Moderator
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This was well written, good white space etc. I didn't see how it fitted into the challenge of Celtic Mythology though? It'ss kinda like you said, 'hum, a challange to write a horror, let's throw in something based around Halloween'. Don't really know why. For me, this story was okay, but just didn't deliver any knock out punch. It's clear you know how to write, i just wanted something I could sink my teeth into.

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Eoin  -  March 3rd, 2011, 3:14pm
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jnave
Posted: March 3rd, 2011, 2:52pm Report to Moderator
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Took a little bit to get going, but was a nice read when it did.  Kept me interested.  I agree with others that the mom could have been better developed.

There was no differentiation between the girls' characters, but hey, it's a short and they're teenagers, so close enough.

All in all, a nice read.  I enjoyed the build-up and ending and the writing was quite good.

Congrats!


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RayW
Posted: March 4th, 2011, 2:57pm Report to Moderator
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Hi, Godwine    (Geezus. What a name. Sheesh!)

Do seventeen year olds do truth and dare cr@p?

Pg 6 - LOL! Pretty laid back mom.

Cool story.
I liked it.
(Feel embarrassed I don't have more to say.   )
Congratulations!



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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: March 4th, 2011, 5:20pm Report to Moderator
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Pros

Fast paced, gripping narrative. Creepy.

Well written.

Cons

Felt more like a Halloween script, rather than one developed specifically for this challenge.

The mirror thing was far too close to the Candyman story that the script references. Not enough in there to really forge its own identity.

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Scar Tissue Films  -  March 5th, 2011, 10:19am
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jwent6688
Posted: March 6th, 2011, 10:06am Report to Moderator
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Thanks to all for reading. This script was fun to write, especially since I didn't come up with the idea til Thursday. Some much needed explanations....

Selvage. The title. According to my Final Draft 7 thesarus its a noun that means fringe, perimeter. So I looked at the mirrors as being a selvage between the world of the living and another. If you google it, which I didn't, its more commonly referenced as the seem on jeans or fabric. Woops. So, yeah, bad title.

Alot of you felt this didn't meet the challenge criteria. I did zero research for this. Was ready to throw in the towel, but I had done so much smack talk the previous weeks, I know I had to post a script.

Its based off the doppleganger legend. Dopplegangers are usually doubles, but I read this in Ray W's research that he posted....


Quoted from Ray W on the Theme and Genre thread
Doppleganger - The frightful image seen at the window, or staring back from the mirror, could be your own--a double, or doppelg?er (from the German for "double goer"), the sight of which could foretell your own imminent demise. Sometimes described as the soul embodied, sometimes an astral projection or aura, the double most often presented itself as a warning.
Queen Elizabeth I reportedly saw a vision lying on her deathbed, pale and still, soon before she died. Goethe and Shelley also claimed to have seen their doubles, and when Catherine the Great of Russia saw her own coming toward her, she took no chances and ordered her soldiers to shoot at it. Witches, it was long accepted, could project their own doubles and set them loose to do mischief far and wide. As a result, many a women was hanged as a witch even though it could be proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that she was somewhere else entirely when the barn burned down, the cow died or whatever else had happened that she was now charged with having done. On other occasions, a double -- of someone else - -could be called forth or seen.

One old Halloween custom has it that if a young girl lights two candles before a mirror, while eating an apple, she will see in the mirror the spectral image of her future husband, peering back at her as if from over her shoulder. If she is brave enough to venture out to a graveyard, and walk all the way around it twelve times, she will meet up with the double itself.
According to another old belief, anyone who wants to know who will pass away in the coming year has only to stand vigil near the church door on April 24, the eve of the feast day of St. Mark. At midnight, the airy doubles of all who will die file in a solemn processional into the church, if the watcher is unlucky enough to see his own image there, he knows his own time is not far off.

To this day, the fear of the double is observed, if unknowingly, in the custom of covering all the mirrors in a house where a death has just occurred. The double of anyone passing the glass, it was once thought, could be projected into the mirror and carried off by the deceased to the afterworld.


So, I made up the part about having to be a virgin, but i think it worked nicely. I also used the second part of the legend that I bolded. After sarah was killed, Jules and Miranda had to stay away from their reflections because Sarah had just died and could take their souls.

So anyway, I loved that most everyone felt the tension and creepiness here. I personally, think its one of the scariest OWCs this go around. Just not the best overall story.

One major oversight, as Bert pointed out, Was that Jules should obviously know the final mirror was on the back of the door. I realized this while proofing Friday night. An easy fix, I just didn't have time. It just can't be jules' house so she's unfamiliar with it.

Anywho, Thanks to all who read and commented. I'm going through the list now to make sure I've commented on all who took the time to read mine. If I haven't, I'll be there shortly.

James





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shootingduck
Posted: March 9th, 2011, 9:12am Report to Moderator
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Don't forget, if it's not Jules's house the mom's goblin wouldn't be there...

I'm going to echo everyone else on the mom.  You had a nice flow going with creepy stuff happening in the house, the mom takes you out of it.  Need to find a way for Jules to get the info about the mirrors another way.  If you lose the claustrophobic feel in this particular type of story it kills the mood.

I'm okay with Sarah's death happening off screen, but the thing that bothered me were the girls going into the bathroom to open the curtain and see the body.  I don't think the ghost would have closed the curtain, the girls can probably tell from the mass quantities of blood that Sarah's dead and the fact that they'd have to walk through the blood (probably barefoot since they're so relaxed with their shirts untucked and unbuttoned) to open the curtain.  I get the mood you're creating... the slow walk to the tub, but I think you can get a cleaner, more realistic feel with a slow, overly cautious opening of the door.  Sarah's body could be lying in the tub with the curtain ripped down as though she tried to catch herself on it.

The second death was anti-climactic.  It was basically a less exciting version of the first death, complete with Jules opening the bathroom door, going in to handle the body, then getting freaked out by it.  I did like how she had to back out and avoid looking in the mirror during her exit.
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jwent6688
Posted: March 9th, 2011, 4:31pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from shootingduck
Don't forget, if it's not Jules's house the mom's goblin wouldn't be there...


Quite right. Thats why I didn't have time to fix it. There was some other things i had to go through the script and fix.

Looks like mom getting the ax is going to happen.

I agree, i thought mirandas death was weak. I called myself on it too when I fake reviewed my own script.

I quite like the curtain being closed, Though i should make it bloody. More like she was thrown in there. I like the damatic effect of ripping the curtain open like ripping off a band-aid.

This was an exceptionally lame effort for me. I like it, It just needs a few rewrites and some major changes. I wouldn't have posted it if Screenrider and I weren't talking smack all week.

Anyways, Thank you for reading. Congratulations on being picked and writing a kick ass script in a week. I look forward to the film...

James



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