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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    February 2011 One Week Challenge  ›  Bean Sidhe - Feb 2011 OWC Moderators: Grandma Bear
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  Author    Bean Sidhe - Feb 2011 OWC  (currently 3735 views)
Don
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 12:02pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Bean Sidhe by Charles Sanson - Short - When she wails she takes a soul with her.

A February 2011 One Week Challenge script. - pdf, format


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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RayW
Posted: February 27th, 2011, 11:51pm Report to Moderator
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Hi, Charles    (Spoilers, folks!)

Story's moving along okay.
The page four house/cabin/death of Christine thing has me a little confused.
Nadine's husband Chris has reported to his wife that Christine (presumably their child) was killed, and possibly he's been keeping her alive for two years in their backyard log cabin that Nadine hasn't been allowed into?
What?
Soundproofing?
What?
Lemme go back and reread all that...
Yep. That's what it looks like.
Strange.
Very strange.

Pg 5 - Bottom of page twist = W. T. H?

Pg 6 - The crumble thing was nice. The shooting & running was bizarre, though.

Chris the idiot keeps loaded rifles in his "handyman's lair"? On the wall?
Idiot.
He deserves to get shot just for being that stupid.

And I really don't get that ending.

Okey doke.
GL!



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Eoin
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 4:29am Report to Moderator
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This one was confusing. i kept wondering where this was set. Seemed suburban for some reason then the 'log cabin' in the yard? Where are we now, Norway, Nova Scotia? So the father wants a kidney, he supposedly pretends to kill his daughter, who seems to comply with this rouse and all the while his wife is totally unaware she is in the log cabin? Erm, okay. The lack of credibility undermines the story for me. So many loaded rifles on the cabin wall, unsecured?? Didn't understand why Christine crumbled away. The VO at the end didn't really work IMO. Your characters weren't bad, they had motives and some backstory. Good job on completing the OWC.
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RayW
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 7:42am Report to Moderator
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Eoin -     (SPOILERS!)   D@mn fools! This is a screenplay discussion forum. Whatdyathink you were going to read about?

So the father wants a kidney, he supposedly pretends to kill his daughter, who seems to comply with this rouse and all the while his wife is totally unaware she is in the log cabin? Erm, okay.

No, that was a fake "Christine" of dust that crumbles.
Almost a golem, definitely a ruse, made by the bean nighe to incite Nadine to kill Chris.
If I'm right, it's kind of a mixed mythology.

The dust golem only speaks to Nadine.
Go back and read only Chris' dialog. He speaks of Christine in the past tense, he doesn't see her, he's outside.
It crumbles away after Nadine mortally shoots Chris.



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Eoin
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 8:28am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from RayW
Eoin -     (SPOILERS!)   D@mn fools! This is a screenplay discussion forum. Whatdyathink you were going to read about?

So the father wants a kidney, he supposedly pretends to kill his daughter, who seems to comply with this rouse and all the while his wife is totally unaware she is in the log cabin? Erm, okay.

No, that was a fake "Christine" of dust that crumbles.
Almost a golem, definitely a ruse, made by the bean nighe to incite Nadine to kill Chris.
If I'm right, it's kind of a mixed mythology.

The dust golem only speaks to Nadine.
Go back and read only Chris' dialog. He speaks of Christine in the past tense, he doesn't see her, he's outside.
It crumbles away after Nadine mortally shoots Chris.


Clarity of story telling should rule out as much ambugity as possible. Since Christine is supposedly dead, referring to her in the past isn't enough to indicate this. I could go to town on referring to Bean Sidhe as simply Bean, substitute woman into the dialouge and you'll see what I mean.
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RayW
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 8:39am Report to Moderator
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Clarity of story telling should rule out as much ambugity as possible.
Understood and agreed.

I could go to town on referring to Bean Sidhe as simply Bean, substitute woman into the dialouge and you'll see what I mean.
Is "bean" still an almost-common but acceptably useful word locally/regionally for "woman" currently?

Over here we could use "You guys" to refer to a group of men, boys, women or girls. So I could understand someone from elsewhere on the planet not understanding why we're calling women "guys".

Would a group of women be "beans"?



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Eoin
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 1:09pm Report to Moderator
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LOL - Yeah, the plural is Bčans - if a group went to the toilet together, as only women can, you could say the 'bčans are in the can'. In all seriousness the plural of bčan is Mnŕ.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 1:25pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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There's potential here. What I felt is that you were trying to show them all as being off-beat in an ugly sort of way and I think you succeeded there.

I wasn't really sure in the beginning, maybe even the whole thing, who was the evil one. Nadine was first made out as a sort of victim of lunacy. She hears the wailing. She hasn't managed to cook a decent meal in quite awhile and when she does, it lands as mush on the kitchen floor.

Here, I think you've done an outstanding job of establishing a context that drives us forward. I can almost hear strange music and sounds in this.

When you had Nadine breaking into a giggle and then a cough, this too was very significant. It showed her as unstable. But the interesting thing is, that her husband is equally so, and you've painted him as quite unsympathetic, uncaring. And here:

CHRIS
Guess it’s bread and butter day
again, huh? She glares at him but says nothing.

CHRIS
A couple of eggs with a toast
maybe? Come on Nadine, how long do I have, huh? Couple months?

*The poison drips from his tongue.

This is a couple that blow "normal" out of the water and yet, their subtle mean
spirited comments are very revealing and true to the spirit of some quite normal couples who have "issues".

When we learn of their daughter, imprisoned in a shed out back, we've definitely got
horror material, and she too, we find out is crazy due to some kind of obvious brainwashing from her father... Or, was it her father that brainwashed her into thinking "Daddy's doing a good thing"? Maybe it was the Bean all along, messing with the poor folk, turning 'em nutty.

I think you really have something here in terms of story, tone and a legitimate set up that can work with a few changes to identify these people as being under the effects of Bean-- all of them, including the girl.

Also, I guess a "what went wrong with the kidney" aspect might be worked out, providing more meaning again.

I liked this and I found it memorable and a worthwhile read.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Eoin
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 1:34pm Report to Moderator
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Maybe in the context of this story she should be a kidney bčan? Okay, I'm going to stop now . . . slap on the wrist for me . . .
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leitskev
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 1:58pm Report to Moderator
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I am glad I gave this a second read. Understood it much better. Sometimes I am a poor reader.

SPOILER

So the husband needs a kidney, maybe has two months left to live. The Bean appeared before Christina died, and Seth. When she appears now, they assume it is for Chris, but the Bean says she is here for Christina. This lie by the Bean is what accomplishes it's goal. It tricks the wife into thinking Christina is still alive, being held prisoner. Nadine's mind makes up the whole thing, including the vision of Christina in the shed. Makes up that Chris wants her kidney, that he may be molesting her even. Nadine should have seen through all this, since the Bean actually came when Christina really died. But Nadine has come unhinged, sees what she wants to see, especially once the Bean gives her a little push by tricking her.

I have an observation. This story is actually kind of clever. But if you read quick, you can miss it. And people are usually reading these things quickly. The trick is to get them to pay attention. One way that happens is if the reader knows the author, has reason to expect a certain level of work. Since these are anonymous, many readers will recognize by things such as format and writing skill whether this is a veteran writer, and if they sense that, they will read more carefully. THAT's why it's important to get that stuff close to perfect. And I say this as a new writer who makes similar mistakes.

If I have interpreted the story correctly, there is no ghost of Christina. It is really the Bean, or just an image in Nadine's mind. If so, maybe show the ghost merge into the Bean.

If there really is a ghost, then I missed something big, so slap me in the head and let me know!

Needs cleaning up, but a nice clever little story with a twist. I do have some problems imagining the way this would be filmed, but maybe rewrites solve that.
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dn061903
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 2:02pm Report to Moderator
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This one didn't make much sense to me.  Seemed like there were big gaps in logic.  The whole thing with the log cabin was odd to me.  The girl had been dead for two years and suddenly Nadine decides to look in the log cabin to see if she's there.  If she had questions, I would think she would've checked perhaps immediately after the death.  

It was a quick read though and I liked how Nadine was a bit nutty.
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grademan
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 2:50pm Report to Moderator
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Bean sidhe * not bad * I liked the twist at the end * the bean was almost cruel to be kind in this one * the OVER CREDITS part doesn’t work - if it’s important to the story let it be part of the story * clarifying a few things will bring this one up a notch * a little bit of real life daughter in the secret basement for the old man - was that in Norway?
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pwhitcroft
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 3:19pm Report to Moderator
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This is an effective premise that produces some solid drama.

These are notes I made as I read:

Pg 1 – “Only Nadine can care less.” – The beginning including some text that could probably be tightened up. This line in particular is one that I had trouble picturing what this means on screen.

The start of this is interesting, but the combination of some slowish text and a deliberately mundane sequence of events means this is playing quite slow at the moment.

Pg 2 – The mystery established at the end of this page gets this moving.

Pg 4 – Quite a bit of Nadine’s dialogue on this page might be on-the-nose.

Pg 7 – Nadine’s story wraps up well with the Christina part giving it an effective twist. I’m not sure that I understood all the over credits part.


Philip


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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 3:31pm Report to Moderator
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Pros

Fairly ingenious use of the Bean Sidhe. Gives her a more complete character.

Nicely plotted story.

There are more than a few layers here, which is great to see in such a short challenge.

Cons

Slightly confusing at times, as others found.

This was a good effort. Well done.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 5:49pm Report to Moderator
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The set changes in this one were fairly vague.
I got lost going from the house to the cabin.
Why can't Bean be wailing in the basement, set change mucks up the vibe.
Mum goes down the basement "finds" daughter and then high jinks ensue.
This one has some effective grim moments, keep going with it.


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