Your logline said homeless prostitute...if she's homeless, is she really any good? lol.

The story had a gritty element that I like, but well, going back to the prostitute thing…why is she homeless if she actually has a job? Wasn’t she working in the library? Maybe I misread that.

Reading on… I think I misread a lot of things because I am confused.
Why live with an abusive asshole? I’m not saying I know any, but I would think prostitutes know how to get things done. They know how to survive when things get rough. *is there a pun here?*

Also, why is she heading to Miami? The writing itself is good but I just couldn’t keep up with certain elements story wise.

The read felt odd to me, almost disorganized, and I had to try hard to keep up. I wish I could give you more because this is a very good effort.

- Probably should just write out the chase, since it seems like that already.

I like this. Very ambitious and not too talky.

I shouldn't even say anything...I really shouldn't.

Listen, I can tell alot of effort went into this and that's always appreciated.

Just didn't work for me at all, on any level.  Although the writing showed effort, it was pretty bad in lots of areas.  Very novelistic at times, laughable at others.  Just too sappy and overly ridiculous for me.  Lots of missing words and really oddly phrased lines.  Big Slug issues, in terms of how you chose to label them.  Just didn't read well.  That chase scene thing also was a disaster.

Check out this passage...this pretty much says it all - "It may have been used to store coal back in the old days, as there are still bricks and boards and huge, rusted machine that was useful at one point, but now is broken and forgotten." - I mean c'mon now...

The dialogue...oh, the dialogue. I'm not even going there, other than saying, it really slowed down teh read and didn't work at all.

So, I was really confused cause you never even intro'd the "old man" and "old woman".  I also didn't get what was going on at all or why, and that's after like a 5 page intro with nothing happening at all.

One more thing...the "it was all a dream" "twist".  Sorry, but for me, that makes things even worse.  It can work if the "dream" stuff is cool enough to make it all work, but not here, I'm afraid.

So, sorry for the harshness, but I'm being honest and sincere.  Appreciate the effort for sure, now you just need to work on getting it all together.

Pros

Strong characters. Realistic and gritty.

Good drama. The sex scene was very well handled.

Interesting attempt at mixing gritty street realism with a supernatural occurrence.

Cons

Felt the all out horror action clashed with the tone of the opening.

It was hard to get a grasp on what the creature was...it was a mix of a few of the legends it seemed, but it didn't seem to represent a coherent idea.

I like the idea of the creature being somehow capable of changing the circumstances of the girls life. I think it needs to be more subtle though and more in keeping with the solid drama you've created. So hint at the supernatural and build a tone and atmosphere and then use the "hag" as a way of presenting Madeline with a spiritual choice.

Good effort for a week. I suspect that given more time this could have become a lot more coherent.