Thanks, Phil...appreciate the read and feedback.

I knew some would have trouble with 2 storylines, but that's kind of the way I like to roll...to keep things interesting.

You mentioned the "pub", but there's no pub scenes here. Think you may have meant by the fire, with the guys.  You're right, Torcuil's reveal of who the White Women are is a bit on the nose...I'm pretty sure I was rushing at that point and needed to get it across.

Glad you seemed to like it.  Thanks.

My bad:  I meant in the glen.


Phil

Hey Jeff,

I just sent over my thoughts to you via Email.

By the way, great script. One of the best in this series. Although I have to admit, this OWC was without a doubt the most impressive list of scripts sense I have been coming here.

Shawn.....><

Just going back over some old OWC (recomendations welcome!).
I loved the feel of this, could almost warm myself on the fire (won't stay for dinner though!).
The authentic dialogue really added to the flavour and worked well though I think the use of wrylies to explain accent wasn't needed - a single line in the first action block would be enough and the whole feel of the story almost has you doing the accent anyway!
Quite magical but thought the fairy "Hadouken" was a little bit silly!
A very easy read considering the names and language.
Daz

Hey DAZ (damn, I like that acronym), thanks for looking at this one.

This was a great challenge and a fun script to write.  Even though I did try and get on this ahead of time, it came down to the last day and with all my research, I took it right down to the wire in getting it completed and turned in, just on time.

Glad you seemed to enjoy it.  I think this is actually my favorite short I've written.  Wish Rick had liked it more.

Your point about not needing the wrylies, is an interesting one.  I definitely could have used a "note" early on, that every character speaks in a Gaelic brogue, and saved myself a bunch of lines, where I used a wrylie the first time each character spoke.  Normally, every single character doesn't speak exactly the same, so wrylies are used for those who do speak with an accent.  Good point!

I'm surprised you didn't like Alickna's kill move.  I guess there were a couple who didn't like it.  I for one did, damnit!     I remember when I came up with it, as time was winding down and being very happy.  I think it would be a cool visual actually.  Never take a little fairly for granted...they are a force to be reckoned with!

Thanks again!

Hey Jeff thanks for the PDF of this. It is much different to the original?

As usual a well written tale with a nice blend of legend interwoven with a fairy element. I liked the two strands.

I was interested to see how you handled the brogue. To me it was just right. Enough to get a feel, not too much too lose me. A script I read a while ago was a real effort because it had so much accent applied.

A few comments;

# arable and the seals. I wondered whether a young girl would raise the same question of them being cute in an era when survival on them was vital.
# flashback - the detail of the men's desires seemed quite mature for a child to hear in bed
#roast copse - yuck, that would be a strong visual
# fairy kill - I liked this touch, but just wondered if it needed a bit more from the bedroom to this moment so that we felt, or saw, a  danger to the girls life, although it clearly existed as shown in the fireplace

Good stuff.

All the best.

Thanks for the read, Bill. Always appreciate the feedback.

I've often considered dropping the line from Ary about the seals being so cute, as in reality, she never would have seen a live one and really wouldn't know - good catch.

Many have said the same thing about the Flashback details and the men's boasts not being a very child friendly story.  I'll say what I've said before about it - IMO, Ina couldn't know exactly what was said, as she wasn't there, and Alec surely wouldn't retell the story exactly that way to her - so...she in turn, couldn't tell these details to Ary, either.  The Flashback visuals show exactly what happened, but it should be assumed that Ina is only telling Ary a rough accounting of what took place.  There are V.O.'s from Ina that show what she does say exactly, but if there's not a V.O> from her, you shouldn't assume she's saying it to Ary exactly that way.

I was literally running out of time on the ending and you may be correct that a few more lines in the bedroom scene would set this up a bit better.  When I went back and made a few changes (only a few changes were made, most notably, Alickna and Ary's first conversation including an extra line), I didn't really even entertain the idea of adding to this scene, but I like your idea.

Thanks again.

I really liked this. Very clean writing.

The end was a surprise for me, which is good after reading so many predictable scripts.

At first it was a bit hard for me to keep up. I'm not sure if it was the many characters starting with A or if it was the accents, but after a page into it, it read smooth as silk for me.

I like the Flashback in this one...I usually hate flashbacks but this one worked for me.

Great job IMO.

Thanks for the rad and your thoughts, Dena.  Glad you enjoyed it.

A few others also noted the 2 "A" characters, back to back.  I just really liked those names and they also have meaning that worked perfectly with the story.

I'm not a big Flashback kind of guy either, but I wrote a feature with more Flashbacks than you've probably ever seen, and somehow, I think they actually work very well.

Take care!

Just read your script.

As always with you it was exceptionally well written. A few typos here and there, but no biggie. The story was pretty weird and I'll be honest... I had a hard time getting into it. A weird mixture of vampires and fairys. I question the fairy's importantance to the story.

I enjoyed it for what it was. An offbeat horror story with some very good visuals. You are a great writer. Keep at it dude.

~Zack~

Thanks for the read, Zack.  Glad to have you back on SS.

Sorry this one didn't quite work for you.  It's one of my faves, actually.  Love Alickna, the fairy.  You never know...she may just pop up in another script of mine some time.  

Take care, brother!!

I just finished the story.

I don't really have many points.  But, I do have a few things to say.

1.  What does the white woman have to do with his possession?  It seems like he made it home that night.  So, how does that differ from this night?  I think we need to know that, don't we?

2.  Why is this girl special enough that the fairies show themselves?  Why do they protect her?  Do they protect all the innocent children in the village, or the country?

3.  I'd like to know more about the white women.  What are they?  Are they succubi?  You're in my element when you talk of claymores and magic and that stuff.  I played D&D for over 30 years now.  I'm a huge fantasy fan and a big comic book reader too.  So, this is definitely my realm.

I think, once again, you have the basis of a good story.  You use the girl to explain the story.  honestly, I'd not do it that way.  Instead of doing a flashback, why not do it as it actually happens?  Have one of the men have all this knowledge?

In a way, you hurt yourself with the flashback b/c I knew he'd be okay b/c he's already come home and survived this.  That's the problem with flashbacks, they take the tension out.  I don't think that was your intention.  

So, I'd tie it all in.  What went wrong this night?  Was it simply the fact that Tor and Alec fought them off, and he was alone this night?  And if so, why would he go out alone?  What was his mission this fateful night?

It needs more information to make me truly care about these characters.  

Dan

And the rest of the comments on here seem to mesh with mine, so, I guess I wasn't too far off.  And I know who really wrote this

Thanks again, Dan.  You're a reding and reviewing machine!  

As always, I'll respond where applicable.

Quoted from DanC What does the white woman have to do with his possession?  It seems like he made it home that night.  So, how does that differ from this night?  I think we need to know that, don't we?

Well, I assume you mean the white “women”, not “woman”, right?  I think to have any understanding, you need to know what the White Women are, and that may take some research, but it’s pretty simple, really.  He’s not possessed, he’s been bitten, turned, I guess you can say.  On the prior trip, he was able to resist the White Women, but on this one, apparently, he was not able to.

Quoted from DanC Why is this girl special enough that the fairies show themselves?  Why do they protect her?  Do they protect all the innocent children in the village, or the country?

Dan, these questions are a bit silly, aren’t they?  In a tale like this, you need to go with it, as there aren’t answers to such questions, nor should such questions be asked.  It’s like asking why someone falls in love with someone else, or why some random stranger would risk his life to help another random stranger, but these things obviously happen all the time.

Quoted from DanC I'd like to know more about the white women.  What are they?  Are they succubi?

As I said above, if you want to know more about them, do a little research.  When I sent this to you, I gave you the background for the OWC topic and even what this was based on.

Quoted from DanC I think, once again, you have the basis of a good story.  You use the girl to explain the story.  honestly, I'd not do it that way.  Instead of doing a flashback, why not do it as it actually happens?  Have one of the men have all this knowledge?

Maybe you’re unclear here, but the Flashback is indeed a Flashback and has nothing to do with the current time-frame story.  We don’t see what happens to him, but we definitely see the aftermath when he returns home.

Quoted from DanC In a way, you hurt yourself with the flashback b/c I knew he'd be okay b/c he's already come home and survived this.  That's the problem with flashbacks, they take the tension out.  I don't think that was your intention.

Well, again, sure, the Flashback told what happened long ago and how they know of the White Women.  There is no question he survived and that was set up before the story even begun.  There was no intent to have you guessing if he survived or not, but as for the others, you had no idea what would happen to them, nor did you know what would happen on his most recent trip to the Northern shores, and that’s where the tension was intended…as he walked into the house, a bloody mess, acting catatonic.

Quoted from DanC So, I'd tie it all in.  What went wrong this night?  Was it simply the fact that Tor and Alec fought them off, and he was alone this night?  And if so, why would he go out alone?  What was his mission this fateful night?

Again, bro, you are not privy to this information, as it’s not shown or told.  You have to connect the dots.  And if you can’t or don’t want to, you just need to go with it.

Quoted from DanC It needs more information to make me truly care about these characters.

Ok, sorry about that.  My intent here is that you care for little innocent Arabel and her Mither, Ina.  Maybe even Alickna the fairy.  Of course, you can root for Alec, but understand you never once see him in the current time frame story, as himself, so as a character, he’s not who I was trying to have my readers side with, really.

OK, that does it.  All reads responded to.  Man, am I ever wiped out!  LOL...

Thanks, Dan.