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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    Script Review Exchange  ›  Quick Read Moderators: the goose
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RBW_14
Posted: December 23rd, 2018, 3:01am Report to Moderator
New-ish


I write stuff I think is cool, just like you do.

Posts
12
Posts Per Day
0.04
Need just a thumbs up or thumbs down on the script. Will gladly read short of any thumbs up or thumbs down reply. +15 page max.

if the script is awesome i will tell you it is awesome.  




https://drive.google.com/file/d/1I0_U8TpJUkq3N4o_1SR93SvgJDLNnbbJ/view?usp=sharing


RBW
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eldave1
Posted: December 25th, 2018, 2:38pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Southern California
Posts
5008
Posts Per Day
2.63
RB:

Something I would tell you and all positing here - my opinion only. You will get far less comments if you post something in a manner that cannot be copied and pasted (i.e. like Google Drive). TO hard for readers to reference stuff.

In this script:

There are a lot of typos throughout the script. Spelling and grammar mistakes.

Do not put translations within the body of the dialogue. Dialogue is what is to be read by the actor. It is not a place to translate.

Do not put beats within the body of the dialogue or in the action. They are always in parenthetical. e.g.,

BOY
Mama. Where is Dad.
(beat)
Tonight?

As a note, I didn't find any instances in the script where I thought they were needed in the first place.

The story is just okay. The dialogue struck me as stilted -  a bit unnatural.

Sorry, but overall I thought this was poor.





My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Dustin
Posted: December 28th, 2018, 5:32am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

Posts
5393
Posts Per Day
2.37
Errors aside, this is OK. However, the story lacks something. For this kind of story to work, the kid must learn something life-changing. I didn't get that from this piece and this, in my opinion, is this story's biggest weakness.

I don't need a return read.

All the best,


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