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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  Just Before Dawn Moderators: bert
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  Author    Just Before Dawn  (currently 7093 views)
Don
Posted: May 20th, 2004, 9:43am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Just Before Dawn by Ian Warren - Horror - An adaptation of 1981's Just Before Dawn. A group of teens venture into the mountains on a camping trip for a weekend of sun and solitude, away from the stresses of city life. Unbeknownst to them, they are being watched, and one by one they start to fall prey to a vicious killer. As day becomes night, their pleasant camping trip becomes a relentless fight to stay alive. Will any of them survive those dark hours Just Before Dawn? - Contains strong language/violence and scenes of a sexual nature. - doc format.


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Ian
Posted: May 20th, 2004, 11:30am Report to Moderator
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Hi. This is my first attempt at a script. Although it's an adaptation, it's very different to the original. I kept the basic story line but created my own characters and action sequences. It plays very differently to the original but I guess there are enough similarities for me to be deemed a thief if I passed it off as completely my own lol.
By the way, the character called Warren is not named after me lol. That was the name of one of the characters in the original. I kept it so that there would be some links to my version and the one from 1981.

Please give it a read and let me know what you think, I'd really like some feedback .

Ian.

p.s. Oney (Oness) has left me a GREAT post about this script somewhere down there, but it gives away a lot in the way of twists and deaths that happen along the way. If you don't want to know these details before you read, I suggest you don't read his post until afterwards. It's a fantastic post though! Thanks Oney!


"Are you saying I'm crazy!?"
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adam_justin
Posted: May 20th, 2004, 6:02pm Report to Moderator
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Ian, this was awesome. I COULD stop right there, and my point would be made, but i dont feel like stopping. As your first experience of writing a feature length script, i have to praise you. I've written some pretty decent scripts before in my opinion, but nothing could compare to this. This is just truly awesome writing, it's described beautifully, and you can just imagine it all in your head. You have incredibly likeable characters in this (Kansas being my fave.) and it's sad to see them go when it's their time, i didn't see that survivor coming though, very nice. Very unexpected as well, i would LOVE to see this get made into an actual remake, it (IMO) would be a box office smash. Keep up the writing Ian, i can only wait to see what you have next. Talk to you soon.


I Know I'm Not The One You Want Him To be With... But I'm The One He Chose.
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Ian
Posted: May 20th, 2004, 8:18pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks! I really appreciate your comments on it. You of all people know how long I've been writing it! I keep noticing mistakes in it now, it's really annoying > lol. I'm really glad you enjoyed it, especially because I've been talking about it to you since I only had 2 pages written! Thanks again for the great feedback; I can only hope that I get more of the same.

Ian


"Are you saying I'm crazy!?"
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Ian
Posted: May 20th, 2004, 8:51pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you. I was excitedly and nervously awaiting your review because I had been going on about this script to you and I was worried I was building it up too much! I'm really glad you liked the deaths and dialogue; I spent a long time on those things in particular. I have honestly been spending months on it, half a year maybe. I've learnt stuff from a faithful Christmas present (a book called "How NOT to write a screenplay"), and from both resources and people on this very site. As I have gained this information during the writing process, I've been able to use it and get it up to a better standard.

Yes, I have the same problem with Freya! The script was getting too long, and more dialogue to ease her in would have made it HUGE! That's why when she appears I did a cut - time passes. The group have been walking and talking for a while, and we just miss it all to keep the story going. I did my best, with Warren being suspicious of her actions and not trusting her completely to begin with, and Kansas lashing out at her. I also told myself that the fear that they all share would bring them together very quickly, to make myself feel better lol. I may do a re-write one day to fix this, I want to correct some small mistakes anyway, like Kansas having three lines in succession; none of which have (CONT'D) written next to them lol. I also messed up Maddy's introduction, by saying "sits opposite" at the end. I changed it and forgot to delete that bit.

Kansas is my favourite character! I loved writing her because she gets to be friendly, witty and bitchy because of her relationships with Maddy, Jimmy and Adrienne. I deliberately kept all the characters around for a long time because I wanted to create a network between them; none of this stuff where they are separated and only really speak to one other character because they only play one role (e.g. the best friend, a boyfriend/girlfriend, a b*tch, an underdog etc). I tried really hard to make them all link and make them just as important as each other. I hope it worked!

The bit in the lake was lifted directly from the original. All I changed was the dialogue. I feel the same. It shouldn't show him at the waterfall. However, the shot in the original of him sneaking into the water in the distance is so creepy, and I wanted to keep some bits true to the film. I may change it if I do this rewrite lol.

Wow! Your script is very similar! And nearly all the stuff you've mentioned is my own; NOT stuff from the original that I kept in the script. So it really is us thinking alike lol. I look forward to your witchcraft script (I love "The Craft", so if it's anything like that I'm sure I'll enjoy it).
I do have an idea for another teen slasher film (tired concept I know but if you do them well they’re great lol), one that is completely my own. It's been in my head for ages! I have deaths and chase/action sequences written down that I've thought of and don't want to forget, and I know the basic plot. I won't be able to start if for a while unfortunately, because I have exams coming up. I'm actually on study leave right now so I shouldn't have been doing THIS script! But it was so close to being finished that I had to get it done lol.

I'll forgive you for your spoilers because by giving away stuff that happens, you've commented on parts that I'm really proud of so I'm really glad you said them! Besides, I did the same to you with my Spencer comment lol. I think I might put a spoiler warning in my first post, just saying not to read your post until after they've read the script if they don't want things to be given away .

I'm really happy about this feedback and that you liked it as much as you did. I'm glad you pointed out its flaws, I agree with them! I'm sure I'll fix them one day lol. Thanks again!

Ian


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Oney.Mendoza
Posted: May 20th, 2004, 11:09pm Report to Moderator
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Ian,

  Yeah. Sorry, I should of a spoiler warning on it. I gave a lot away I think. Hopefully they'll think what I mentioned more exciting and want to read your script. By, the way what is the differences from your script and the original? Just to get an idea how different your script was from the film. My next script "Revenant" isn't like the "Craft" its more horror. I don't really want to tell you write now until because (like you) I have exams and finals coming up so I won't be able to write for a week or two and I don't want anyone to read my premise and steal my idea! LOL. Its mainly about a young woman getting her revenge through witchcraft after her death.


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Ian
Posted: May 21st, 2004, 4:29am Report to Moderator
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Cool, sounds good. If you go to http://www.terrortrap.com and then look in underrated slashers, there is a quite detailed outline of the whole original film on there. However, anyone who doesn’t want plot twists given away won’t want to read it until after they’ve read the script. The basic plot and plot twists are from the film, but I put more emphasis on them, and created a bit of a back story. Plus, there are a lot of differences:

-The main characters are mine. Their personalities, relationships and dialogue are all my own stuff. All I kept was one original name (there is a character called Warren in the original).
-Trey and Victor are in the original (but they're called Ty and Vechal), but their uncle and nephew, not father and son. They are nice in the original as well, and never have any contact with the family. Also, it's Ty that runs and away and sees the van. They DO stop, but they don't believe his drunken ramblings, and drive on. He sees the killer hitch a ride and merely laughs at their misfortune. He doesn't go looking for them. The original has a mountain ranger who goes to help.
-The Logan family is in the film, but I've changed their names (the surname "Logan" is from the original though) and given them more dimensions. We barely see them in the original, and they hardly talk. Their house is in the original, but we never see inside it. The whole scene where the teens go there is my own.
- Mine has a high body count. The original only had four deaths. Only one of the deaths in my script if lifted from the film, and that's the machete through the groin one (I came up with all the other ones). It was one of a few cool moments in the original that I wanted to transfer into mine. The scene in the lake is from the original, along with the opening scene (only mine is very different) and the Jimmy/Adrienne with the reveal in the church. The differences are the deaths. The church is in the original.
- The tree bit is in the original, but all it does is fall to the ground. There's also only one character UP it. Other than that, everything from the Jimmy/Adrienne/Church scene is my own right up to the end.

If you go on terror trap and read about it, you may find more similarities and differences.


"Are you saying I'm crazy!?"
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Oney.Mendoza
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WARNING: SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS! I deleted the other post and added this because I felt bad tha I revealed a lot of stuff.


Ian, I am so impressed at this being your first script ever written! It was so awesome. I have no idea if this is anything like the original, because I've never seen it, but you wrote one of the most entertaining scripts I've read in a long time.

First of all, your characters, they were all likable(except Adrienne) you made them their own person and they all had edgy dialogue and their fair amount of time in the script. I didn't get a sense of who was your main character at first. I thought it was Freya, then Kansas, then finally Maddy. Though, when thing I really didn't like about Freya was that when she finally appeared in the script with the other characters(right after Adrienne's death) she seemed to know them and was like a really good friend. That is the only problem I had, don't let it bother you it's nothing major.

Second, your death scenes were the best! I liked how you had Adrienne's brief chase scene, revealing the two killers(which was a good twist). My favorite death though belongs to my favorite character, Kansas. The bear trap! That was so disgusting. I can't believe you killed her off like that! LOL. You were also very detailed with the deaths, which is good.

Thirdly, I liked the buildup of the ending, I thought it would be boring, but the edgy and comedic dialogue you added between the characters made up for that. My favorite line was, Kansas(to Adrienne) "Its beautiful and you suck, so stop talking, you're damaging the enviornment." I really liked that.

When Kansas and Jimmy are in the lake, playing around, I thought it would be more effective if you didn't show us the killer stepping into the lake, but either way it was effective and creepy. I wanted more backstory about the killers, but we've learned enough about them from the Logan family so I should just shut up.

Remember when we said that we thinked alike? On Prom Night board? This is so weird, you probably won't believe me, but I'm telling you anyways, because this is amazingly weird. I started a script last July, it was called "Road", it opens with Kat and Connor who's car is broken down on the side of the road in a very bad storm, on an isolated highway. They hitch a ride with a man named Jesse, who kidnaps them. When they awaken they're in his basement and he tortures them, killing Connor. Kat escapes from the cabin and gets chased around for about 15 pages, and finds the road and gets picked up by a couple on the edge of divorce, Erika and Gavin. Anyways, after getting the couple involved, all of them are being stalked by not just one killer, two killers(brothers), isn't that weird? I had scenes similar to yours: ex. (yours) tree falls down, halfway over the cliff (mine) car is halfway over the cliff(from a car accident). (yours) The get help from a teenager and go to a cabin where they learn about the killers (mine) Three of them go to a cabin, where an old couple live and they tell them about the killers. (yours) Freya and Maddy run down the highway almost at dawn (mine) Kat runs down the highway at dawn.

Isn't that weird? Good thing I never finished the script, because if I posted people would think I ripped off your script. So, do you have plans for your next script? I just started writing mine, it's about witchcraft.


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eboms
Posted: May 26th, 2004, 4:41pm Report to Moderator
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Very suspenseful! I liked it a lot, even though it was like "The Hills Have Eyes", "Wrong Turn", and "Texas Chainsaw Massacre", but I find scripts like that interesting to read. Your characters were likable, except for Adrienne, I was praying for her to die. I thought you should have included SPOILER AHEAD.....A little more dialogue with Peter before he died. Throughout the whole script I was certain that Kansas was the main character, but I was wrong and said to see her...you know in such a brutal way. The scariest scene I thought was when Freya, Kansas, and Maddy were in the basement and saw the skeleton's of Warren's dad. I thought it was sad for the family to die because they were really trying to avoid being killed. The only problem I had with the script was that it took way too long to buildup, most of the dialogue wasn't that important and could of been left out, but you made up for that in the last 30 pages of the script. I've never seen the movie so I can't say if it lives up to the original.
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Jason Byram
Posted: May 26th, 2004, 5:43pm Report to Moderator
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Adrienne was my favourite character, pretty much because she had character, it was sad to see her go, she was interesting. The part when they were in the van and it cuts to Freya and then back to the van and stuff was VERY reminicent to "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" (2003).
The only thing I don't like about your script is Jimmy, just going after Adrienne after all that crap, that was a bit stupid.
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Ian
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Thanks for the comments, they're great! I thought I'd had my lot and then happily found 2 new ones!  .

Eboms,

I'm glad you liked it! I'm pleased with the response I've had to Adrienne, people either love her or hate her, but always for the same reason; she's a B*TCH! Lol. I like Peter, and I wanted to develop him further, but the script was already very long (perhaps TOO long?). Like you said it takes a long time to build up, and more Peter related scenes would have slowed it down even more. Besides, I HAD to kill someone; it had been like 40 pages since we'd had a death! Lol.
The Kansas thing was intentional. I wanted to make her as likeable as possible and make her chances of survival look high, and then take her down just like THAT lol. I want people to care and it obviously worked; she seems to be a lot of people's favourite character (including mine!). But she had to go out with a bang, so I saved that....exit, JUST for her lol  .
The original isn't all that great, it's a cheap 80's film with about 4 deaths lol. That's why I remade it. My version is very different.

Jason,

It's cool that you liked Adrienne. I worked hard on giving her bitchy lines but also trying to make the audience feel sorry for her before she died. That's why I had the whole Adrienne/Jimmy scene that you didn't like. I wanted to develop her further, and I wanted people to warm to Jimmy as to me he seemed underwritten compared to some of the others. I also wanted his death to come out of nowhere, so they're talking about something to do with their personal lives unaware of what is about to come lol. AND, I needed them to be alone together so that no one would know about what had become of them until later.
The van sequence is in the original but I changed it slightly.

Thanks once again for these comments, I'm really happy with how people have responded, especially because this is my first script! Anyone else have any comments on it?


"Are you saying I'm crazy!?"
"Oh no, but I'm certainly thinking it loudly"
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smackmyho
Posted: May 26th, 2004, 11:37pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah...
Here is an idea.
Maybe everyone else who is "ADAPTING" other peoples scripts should pay attention to this:


THIS IS NOT SCREENWRITING! THIS IS TAKING SOMEONE ELSES HARD WORK AN ATTACHING YOUR NAME TO IT.

STOP USING THE WORD ADAPTATION!
ADAPTATION refers to crafting a screenplay from another medium (poetry, Plays, Novels) Taking an already produced piece of work and changing some of the character names and death scenes is HACKISH NONSENSE! PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP IT!
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Oney.Mendoza
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I still think that its one of the best scripts I've read on the site. What more could you want? Action, Sex, Deaths, Gore, and Drama. Its good and leaves an ending like "what are we going to do now?" and "how do we explain the whole situation?", someone said it was like "Wrong Turn" in some ways yeah, but this I think would make a more intense film on screen. It has twists(a whole lot during the last 30 pages) and it just came off like you had a really fun time writing the script.


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Ian
Posted: May 27th, 2004, 5:54am Report to Moderator
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Thanks Oney  

Ho,

This is pretty much ALL mine. I used the basic plot and that was IT! It was hardly a very complex or original plot anyway, and since you obviously haven't seen the original (if you had then you would see how different this is), you wouldn't have even known this was an adaptation if I hadn't said. I could have used a different title and pretended it was all mine, and I swear NO ONE on this site would've noticed. But, I have the decency to credit the film from which I got the plot (although I made changes to the plot as well). Jumping to conclusions much?! I didn't just "change some of the character names and death scenes". All the deaths bar ONE are my own creations, the chase/action sequences are too, the characters, their personal stories, relationships and the dialogue are all mine...I just didn't want to pawn it off as an original script when I took the BASIC idea from somewhere else.

You obviously just see the word adaptation and decided to waltz in and sh*t all over the person who wrote it, when (in my case anyway), you're way off (have you even read it?). You've done it in at least 3 threads now. We got the picture the FIRST time . When you repeat the same rant over and over it gives the impression that you're merely bored and feel the need to lay into people to busy yourself, rather than making you look moralistic in your attempts to defend the films that people have re-worked. I agree with you in a way, people should use their own ideas. But Oney has about 3 scripts on this site EXCLUDING Prom Night, so obviously he DOES have his own ideas and puts his name on them. I on the other hand have never written a script before. I wanted to try it and I have now. Remaking a film was easier. I had a basic template for the film, so I could concentrate less on structure and more on character development, dialogue and action scenes. As I have had a good response (generally), I feel confident to write one that's completely my own and I will start it in the near future.

Oh, and one more thing, you went into the Silent Night thread and slagged that one off for being unoriginal. Well, it wasn't a remake, and people are free to write what they want (again have you even read it?). You're just having a go at EVERYONE now aren't you. You don't even leave people feedback on what they've done. You just initially shout at them for it being an adaptation or whatever. Well that just SCREAMS maturity doesn't it. And bearing that whole freedom thing in mind, maybe you could just…I don't know...get over it? I'm afraid people are allowed to do what they want, so embrace the pain, and move on.

Ian


"Are you saying I'm crazy!?"
"Oh no, but I'm certainly thinking it loudly"
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smackmyho
Posted: May 27th, 2004, 8:06am Report to Moderator
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"Will any of them survive those dark hours Just Before Dawn?"

I am impressed. Did you come up with this?
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Sliky
Posted: May 27th, 2004, 9:07am Report to Moderator
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Oh my God! Just stop it! I read your threads and I just had to read the two scripts for myself, geeze smackmy-garden-ho you're a little harsh? Just a little? Well after all this I read the two scripts and was fairly impressed with them. Ian, your script had atmosphere and was edgy, something the original didn't have. You had a lot more characters(Kansas being my fav) and WAY more dialogue. Things you should've changed so that it doesn't remind you of other "backwoods" films, is the van, you could of easily changed it to an SUV or something. With the van people might be thinking you're ripping off Texas Chainsaw Massacre, I didn't think you should of had the "Logan" family thing cause yet again it reminded the reader of TMC. Your death scenes were good, they reminded me a lot of Wrong Turn, all of the gore and stuff. Good script, fun read. My favorite scene was when Kansas and Jimmy were fooling around in the lake and than Kansas feels something beneath her and sees Jimmy's already on shore. That was suspenseful.
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smackmyho
Posted: May 27th, 2004, 9:36am Report to Moderator
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I am reading your script and you obviously DO have some skill, it is just wasted on this pointless rehash.

You might also consider:

"The KILLER tears the machete from her body with a sickening squelch."

I don't think you want to use the word "SQUELCH"
Squelch means to silence.

I don't see much point in work shopping the whole script considering how I feel about the banality of it all, but if you would like me to help out on a purely clinical level I think I could be of help.

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Ian
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Thanks Sliky, I'm really pleased you've seen the original and can compare! That's really good to hear. Yeah you're right about some things being similar to TCM, but to be fair, they are in the original so rather than copying recent films I'm just being faithful to the 1981 version. Still, I might change some things in a re-write to make it a bit different. Lol I'm actually embarrassed now. You said your favourite part was the lake scene, and that's in the original! I added Peter's death and the blood in the waterfall, but the bit you mentioned was lifted from the film. I picked out the best bits (like the church setting and the tree climbing bit) and re-worked them, but also added in a lot of my own stuff in place of the very boring parts in the original.
And smackmy-garden-ho, that tag line is on the back of the video box lol. The synopsis was mine but I kept that tag line on because I thought it was cool. The things you people are mentioning are the few things I KEPT from the original! Honestly, the bulk of it is mine, I swear! Lol. (I hope Sliky can vouch for me on that one?).
Feel free to offer me any advice, I'm very open to it as I'll be writing one that's totally my own soon. It will also come in handy for if I re-write this once. I'm more interested in what people think of the characters and dialogue. I think the horror part is quite easy to do; it's all the other stuff that's more challenging. And you're right about "squelch", I didn't know how to describe the sound lol.

Ian


"Are you saying I'm crazy!?"
"Oh no, but I'm certainly thinking it loudly"
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Adikia
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I haven't seen the original film that this was loosly based upon, so I have no idea how much of it is your work and how many of the ideas are taken from it.  But I really enjoyed that, which is saying alot for me because I have the imagination of a dead fish and usually get bored when presented with large volumes to read.  

I don't want to give many spoilers so I'll be really vague, but I liked the second sequence in the church and the way you described the characters reactions to it, I could really see it in my head.

I don't know whether it was deliberate, but I guessed at who the killer was and it was way off, I can't really say anymore becasue if it was deliberate then I'll spoil it for poeple who haven't read it.

Just one more thing, "SQUELCH",  is definatly onomatopaeic, alternate definitons aside, it's a description of a sound, you ARE using the correct word.  It's like "BARK" the sound a dog can make AND the outer layer of a tree.
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mikehill1215
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Ian,

I'm gonna back 'smack' up here,  as a matter of fact, I couldn't agree more with him.  As a screenwriter who works exclusively on original ideas I find it funny if not a little insulting when other writers post work that is based in part or whole on someelse’s  idea  and then proceed to ask for critique.  What do you want critiqued?  The fact that you can take some else's already successful ideas and put your name on them?  In reading some of the reviews you've gotten I let out a laugh,  the ones that congratulate you on how good it is-  of course it's good!!  It's already been made into a movie!!  It's like writing an 'adaptation' of Casablanca then accepting praise because it's good.


Quoted Text
It plays very differently to the original but I guess there are enough similarities for me to be deemed a thief if I passed it off as completely my own lol.



Quoted Text
This is pretty much ALL mine.


Which one is it?  


Quoted Text
I used the basic plot and that was IT!


This is a typical defense from people who do this type of  'adaptation'  "I only borrowed this or that"  and "I changed a lot".  Newsflash...the plot of the story is the story!   The most difficult and elusive part of screenwriting is coming up with the plot, the engine of the story,  that’s why a movie idea alone, without the full screenplay, can be pitched in Hollywood.

I'm not here to bash the quality of the work,  it's good.  What I take exception to is the way the work is presented.  If you are truly a first time screenwriter and you choose to re-write something as your first project because you deemed it an easier start then so be it.  Don't represent it as anything more than that, and certainly don't look for and accept praise on work that was done by someone else.  

As a final note,  if what you borrowed has so little significance to the finished product,  why don't you just write a project that is exclusively yours?  I mean since you claim this in 'all yours',  why not make it so?

     
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Ian
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The plot - A killer kills teens in the woods. Simple, been done before many times. That is why I referred to the plot in the way that I did; suggesting it was minimal. I couldn't however say it was my own because I didn't JUST use the concept that we've seen in Friday the 13th, The Burning, Madman etc. I did use some of the finer plot details. That's why I didn't pass if off as my own.
However, when you say "the plot of the story is the story! The most difficult and elusive part of screenwriting is coming up with the plot, the engine of the story" you're wrong in this case. The plot is not the most important thing here. All it does is provide a reason to present characters, their relationships with one another, action sequences and death scenes. The stuff *I* came up with. Is the PLOT of Wrong Turn what's important? No. All that happens is, some stranded people meet cannibals and end up on the run. That takes all of 2 seconds to come up. What makes up the bulk of the film is the characters: their choices, reactions, relationships and ultimately their fates, along with action, deaths and gore. In fact Wrong Turn is like Friday the 13th in the way that is makes the death scenes the main attraction of the film. The story is just a reason to present all the other stuff. That's how horror films like this work. And also, plot doesn’t have to equal story. The story here is much more about the teens, what they go through, how they die/live, the struggle to survive etc. That was MY story. Yes it was accompanied by things from the original, but it doesn’t make the PARTS I created any less my own.

"I mean since you claim this in 'all yours', why not make it so?"

I never said it's ALL mine, I said it PRETTY MUCH is. I used the basics that set the scene, and then filled it with my own ideas. Maybe with a lot of changes I could alter further and make it entirely my own work, but as a practice, I did it this way. I probably could of said "I was inspired by this 80s slasher film that no one appears to have seen" and then no one would be stressing out. I can't stress enough how different it is.

"Don't represent it as anything more than that, and certainly don't look for and accept praise on work that was done by someone else."

I wanted feedback on it to see how people responded to the stuff that was MINE. There's no crime in that, and since I SAID there is borrowed material in here, it's not like I'm trying to represent it has some fabulous piece of work that I came up with solely on my own. And it wasn't done by someone else. Most of what is in there is mine, and it would be completely my own if I took out a few things. However, taking these out would mean it had gaps, and I don't as of yet know how to fill them without making it boring or simply ridiculous. Like I said, I've never written a script before, so I don't know how I can change it. I will try to in the future, now that I feel confident that I can write the people and the action. I just need a good story to put them to and I'm on my way. I wouldn't have that confidence had I not written this.

"It's like writing an 'adaptation' of Casablanca then accepting praise because it's good."

Hardly, Casablanca is one of those films that EVERYONE seems to love. Of course an adaptation would be good if everyone already loves the stuff you're going to put in. Just Before Dawn is not a very good horror film. It's slow, boring, goreless...it just happens to have a couple of nice plot twists that I felt were wasted on an empty film. I kept what was good (but still made alterations of my own), and changed what was bad (the majority of it was the slow, boring, goreless stuff I referred to). It becomes very clear to me when a person hasn't seen this film. If you hate people doing adaptations full stop, then fine. But you've accused me of doing things that you don't know I did because you haven't seen the original. I don't want critique on the basic plot, because that wasn't mine (which I have already said). What I wanted (and got in most cases), was for people to pick out good/bad and favourite/least favourite action/death scenes, characters, lines etc (again, the stuff *I* came up with), and to tell me what they thought of my style of writing (description, dialogue, formatting etc). People are generally not mentioning the basic plot because I already said that the plot (bar the changes I made/things I added) isn't mine. I wanted people to talk about the rest of the content; the stuff you choose to ignore because you think I've taken someone else’s already successful ideas and put my name on them. Well that isn't what I did, regardless of what you think. Rather than going by a simple rule of adaptations are bad, why don't you check out the film and compare?

It’s like people want to accuse me of doing something that I’ve already admitted to, so they take it further and present me with their assumptions to make their point. It’s not entirely mine, and I said that! It’s not like I’m trying to sell it or pass if off as something incredibly inventive, I just wanted to put it on the site! Shoot me!


"Are you saying I'm crazy!?"
"Oh no, but I'm certainly thinking it loudly"
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sillyrabbit
Posted: June 2nd, 2004, 9:29pm Report to Moderator
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Squelch is not an onomotopeia.

SQUISH is.
Squelch has to do with silence or to put down something harshly

As in to Squelch free speech.

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Adikia
Posted: June 3rd, 2004, 9:05am Report to Moderator
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OXFORD CONCISE ENGLISH DICTIONARY, TENTH EDITION 1999
PAGE 1394
COLUMN 1:

SQUELCH


  • v. 1 Make a soft sucking sound as that of treading in thick mud.
    2 informal forcefully silence or suppress.




  • n.1 a squelching sound. 2. electronics A curcuit that supresses the output of a radio receiver if the signal strength falls below a certain level.


- DERIVITIVES squelcher n. squelchy adj.
- ORIGIN C17: imitative

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sillyrabbit
Posted: June 3rd, 2004, 9:51am Report to Moderator
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v. 1 Make a soft sucking sound as that of treading in thick mud.

Yikes. I stand corrected.
It isn't an onomotopeia though.
Thanks.
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Adikia
Posted: June 3rd, 2004, 9:54am Report to Moderator
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But it's origins are imitative. I had always assumed that, in these kinds of cases, it meant the word was derived from and imtiation of the sound.
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sillyrabbit
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Quoted from Ian, posted June 2nd, 2004, 8:17pm at here
The plot - A killer kills teens in the woods. Simple, been done before many times. ... Is the PLOT of Wrong Turn what's important? No. All that happens is, some stranded people meet cannibals and end up on the run. That takes all of 2 seconds to come up.


You are confusing plot with premise.

Plot consists of:

PREMISE
CONFLICT
RISING ACTION
CLIMAX
FALLING ACTION
RESOLUTION

All take more than "2 seconds" to come up with.
All seem "borrowed" in your script.
Time to face cold hard reality and get on with your own work...you might be very good at it.
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mikehill1215
Posted: June 3rd, 2004, 1:15pm Report to Moderator
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 sillyrabbit-

AMEN!


I can see how Ian has confused himself with the issue of plot importance in screenwriting.  I remember, when I was a first time screenwriter, being confused as to the most important aspect of a story.  I too thought it was character and dialogue,  and only gave cursory though to the plot.  Years later I now understand that the plot is the engine, the most important part of a script, once I have a good one I can weave any character into it.  Borrowing any portion of a plot from someone else compromises the entire work.  Yes Ian you have shown talent in screenwriting, now lets see some original ideas.
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Adikia
Posted: June 3rd, 2004, 2:20pm Report to Moderator
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This is a first time work, it was put on simply scripts so that Ian could get some feedback.  

All he said at the beginning was "let me know what you think." It seems people are getting hung up on the fact that the plot isn't entirely his own rather than commenting on his style and form.  It's obvious that in a case like this it would be compleatly stupid to congratulate him on a carefully crafted plot with interesting and unexpected twists.  But would it be impossible to comment on the other attributes of his work?

I am a very average film-goer, when I go to see a horror of the slasher type I'm not looking for plot.  I'm looking to go and be captured by the characters; to listen to the dialogue and believe in those characters; to be kept on the edge of my seat by the action sequences and to feel for them when their number [as so often is the case] is reduced to the one survivor.  Isn't that a large part of the craft of writing slasher movies?  As a first effort from Ian I felt that it acheived all of this. Plot may be your engine, a script is nothing without it, but the actions sequences and characters are the fuel that make it run.
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sillyrabbit
Posted: June 3rd, 2004, 2:27pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from smackmyho, posted May 27th, 2004, 9:36am at here
I am reading your script and you obviously DO have some skill, it is just wasted on this pointless rehash.

I don't see much point in work shopping the whole script considering how I feel about the banality of it all, but if you would like me to help out on a purely clinical level I think I could be of help.



Is this what you mean?
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Ian
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There is no hard cold reality to face. I know what I've done, and never said it was all my own work. I'm only defending it because the majority of what fills in the structure is mine. You're basically telling me to write this off as a flat out copy and I'm not going to do that because I know that it isn't. And for this to be fair, don't you need to go round every other script on here that is a remake or adaptation and give them the same lecture? A very small number of us on here are being singled out. Also, look for the scripts where people have ripped something else off and passed it of as their own creation with a straight face. That's much, MUCH worse.

I've been told about three times that I need to do something of my own. Well that was the whole point of writing this. Now I feel that I CAN, I WILL. But like I said I only gained the confidence from doing this one. Stop telling me to do things that I said I'm going to do! My originals will come, but they wouldn't be coming if it wasn't for this, so I don't see how I can win. If I CONTINUED to do adaptations, then yeah, it would be like "get your own ideas already!". But it was just a practice! I don't mean to insult anyone by putting it on here, but there was no other way of me finding out if I was any good.

Anyway, I can't say anymore, because I've said everything I can now and regurgitation gives me a headache. I hope that you've said all you needed to say as well. You don't like what I did and that's fair enough. Lets just leave it at that?  


"Are you saying I'm crazy!?"
"Oh no, but I'm certainly thinking it loudly"
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Adikia
Posted: June 3rd, 2004, 2:36pm Report to Moderator
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Yes, except you didn't say it and didn't refer to it in any way. All you did was launch in with negative, patronising advice that had already been given and taken on board my him; it's not like this has been a string of "Adaptations", IT'S A FIRST ATTEMPT for god sake, an experiment to see if he's any good.
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sillyrabbit
Posted: June 3rd, 2004, 2:53pm Report to Moderator
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"obviously DO have some skill, it is just wasted on this pointless rehash."

Saorry if that's harsh, but it sounded like positive (if not brutally honest) advice to me.

Gonna have to thicken up that skin if you want to make it in this business. Producers are not going to be nearly as careful with their words.
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Adikia
Posted: June 3rd, 2004, 3:03pm Report to Moderator
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So what exactly are you saying?  If it's that he's wasting his talent on this kind of material then your missing the point of this exercise.  This wasn't about producing a perfect, saleable, script.  But more it;s like this was a practice, about seeing if he has the talent.  So isn't your advice unnecesarily harsh? Isn't it you who is pointlessly rehashing the same post over and over again?
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sillyrabbit
Posted: June 3rd, 2004, 3:06pm Report to Moderator
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"EXERCISE"
120 page EXERCISE?

He "wrote" a script, wanted feedback. Got some negative, some positive...get over it.
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Ian
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"obviously DO have some skill, it is just wasted on this pointless rehash."

Sorry if that's harsh, but it sounded like positive (if not brutally honest) advice to me.

Gonna have to thicken up that skin”



Erm, excuse me but it wasn't ME who commented on that feedback, it was Adika. Since I wrote the script, I would imagine that you're referring to MY skin? Well if that's the case, you directed that comment at the wrong person.

"Gonna have to thicken up that skin if you want to make it in this business. Producers are not going to be nearly as careful with their words".

Did I SAY I wanted to make it in this business?! You know what; I'll save you the trouble of wading through 3 pages of posts and just give you the answer because I'm nice like that:

NO! I never said that at all! I write for fun at the moment. I'm experimenting to see if I have any talent. You're taking it rather seriously…is that because you're a serious screenwriter? Well that doesn't mean we all are. I mean am I talking to someone in their 40s who's been doing this for years and does it for a living? I'm 17 years old and I'm about to take my exams and hopefully go to University. This isn't what I do; it's a hobby that I fit in around my life and education. Maybe I'd like to take it seriously one day, but I'd never written anything before this so I'm taking it slow. I'm surprised you can write comprehensively. I know if it was ME constantly jumping to conclusions, I wouldn't be able to keep still long enough to touch the key board.

People write for different reasons. Some write incredibly seriously, some don't...get over it.


"Are you saying I'm crazy!?"
"Oh no, but I'm certainly thinking it loudly"
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sillyrabbit
Posted: June 3rd, 2004, 3:52pm Report to Moderator
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There are two types of screenwriters:

Those who say they want to sell their film and see their name on the big screen.

And those who are liars.

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Ian
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Like I said, I might want to take it seriously one day. Just Before Dawn was not an attempt to write something I could sell. For crying out loud I don't have the rights to it! It was a first attempt! A practice! How many times! I loved writing it, but I wasn't aiming for any kind of financial success; that would be plain stupid since it can never happen with this script.

There is no need to be so cynical about it all. You're starting to sound like some failed screenwriter who needs somewhere to direct their bitterness. It was for fun and feedback and AT THE MOMENT, that's ALL it's for.  I am not a liar (again with the assumptions?). The fact that you would suggest this without knowing a thing about me only makes me doubt your maturity. It also threatens the validity of your comments. If you're not a mature, open minded and level headed individual, how do your comments matter at all? I swear to you it was for fun and experience. If I want more in the future, then I'll deal with it, but don't tell me what I am and why I do this. How could you possibly know?


"Are you saying I'm crazy!?"
"Oh no, but I'm certainly thinking it loudly"
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sillyrabbit
Posted: June 3rd, 2004, 4:47pm Report to Moderator
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Calm down...take your pills.

My comments are directed at all that read this board. You taking everything personally is becoming laughable.

Take a deep breath...smile and step away from the keyboard.

Now, get on with that writing.
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Ian
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If your comments are for EVERYONE, then don't limit them to my thread. Spread the word. And what's laughable is you trying to be patronising because you (like myself) have nothing else of importance to say now.

As our posts are becoming devoid of anything to do with the script, can we bring them to an end? It's getting tedious don't you think? We don't want to end up doing something pathetic like getting the thread locked lol. Agreed?


"Are you saying I'm crazy!?"
"Oh no, but I'm certainly thinking it loudly"
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Don
Posted: June 3rd, 2004, 8:51pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Ian,

Just a point of order.  Poster's "Smackmy-garden-ho" and "sillyrabbit" are the same person.  For this I apologise.  

I agree that this thread is your thread about your script and comments should be focused to that end.  Sometimes threads do take left turns and I try to shift that over to the general chat section.  Also, note that sometimes people will post to a thread just to bait the writer.  You can chose to take the bait or try and turn the discussion back to the piece you have written.  

Generally, except when people start calling each other names, I won't lock a thread.  

The one, actual good, piece of advice from smack/sillyrabbit is that when you read comments that don't agree with you, taking a deep breath and stepping away from the keyboard does help.  I do that quite often and I find that it does help.

So, All, please let us keep the focus in this thread on Ian's script.  Any other observations, please post in general chat.

Thanks!

Don


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Rey_Leon
Posted: June 3rd, 2004, 9:55pm Report to Moderator
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Ian,
Don is correct on all accounts except a few:

1. The discussion was about the script. It turned into a discussion of whether the borrowing of ideas was a good or bad idea.

2. It probably is a good idea to let these discussions form unless they turn into pointless name calling which is not the case here. In fact it seemed as though we were coming to a sort of understanding (always a good thing) and then BOOM!

Good luck with the "EXERCISE" be glad to help you with your progress.
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Ian
Posted: June 15th, 2004, 5:07am Report to Moderator
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I just remembered something that I forgot to mention. In this script, I haven't put certain words in CAPITAL letters e.g. "She hears a SCREAM in the distance". This was because I wasn't sure what words I was supposed to do that for. Is it sounds? I wasn't sure so I didn't bother with it. Is it a compulsory part of screenplay formatting or just something that some people choose to do?

Sorry if I should have asked this somewhere else, I just thought as I'm referring to my script I could put it here  .


"Are you saying I'm crazy!?"
"Oh no, but I'm certainly thinking it loudly"
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Kyle V.
Posted: June 15th, 2004, 9:27am Report to Moderator
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I usually put words in capital letters to catch the reader's attention. To Tell them this is an important part of the story or an important object or person or sound. But that's just me. I have no idea what they really capitalize for.


I used to wear Spiderman PJ's to bed every night, then I woke up one morning and said to myself "Self, your to old for this spiderman bull." So I went to target the next day and picked up some Wolverine PJs cause man, that guy stabs people. C. Walken
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Ian
Posted: June 16th, 2004, 2:15pm Report to Moderator
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Oh ok, well I really can't work it out. My book and the resources on here don't seem to mention it, which made me think that it wasn't too important, but I could be wrong. Anyone know?

Ian


"Are you saying I'm crazy!?"
"Oh no, but I'm certainly thinking it loudly"
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Oney.Mendoza
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Hey Ian,

   In a book I read it said you're supposed to capitalize all sounds, but I'm not sure if thats sure. Good luck on your next script.


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mikehill1215
Posted: June 17th, 2004, 12:30am Report to Moderator
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Ian,  

When 'Indicating' (capitalizing) sounds, the general rule is to only capitalize sounds which have a dramatic impact  to the story.  For instance  " a door SLAMS shut", example of what not to cap - "she clears her throat".  Same rule can be used for action desciptions i.e.  "she SHOOTS him in foot".  Keep in mind that caps such as these are not required in non-shooting drafts however, so really it comes down to the prefrence of the writer.
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Ian
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Ok, thanks a lot people. I'm just trying to decide if I'm going to do it in my next script, when I get to start writing it that is  . Which reminds me, how are the finals going Oney? Or have you finished? I have 6 exams left (and 3 are tomorrow!!).

Ian


"Are you saying I'm crazy!?"
"Oh no, but I'm certainly thinking it loudly"
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Oney.Mendoza
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Hey Ian,

  My last day of school was Wendseday, I passed all my finals. I graduate tomorrow night. Anyways, what exactly is your next script about? I'm getting anxious to read another by you. I had to hault on my script, because I don't know much about witchcraft and wicca religion and I had to do some research on that. Do good on your exams.  


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Ian
Posted: June 19th, 2004, 11:53am Report to Moderator
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My next one is a rather basic teen slasher. I can't really say anymore because it will give too much away. I'm not really sure how it's going to turn out and if people will like it. It won't be done for a while either.

How much of yours had you written before you put it on hold?


"Are you saying I'm crazy!?"
"Oh no, but I'm certainly thinking it loudly"
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Ian
Posted: July 6th, 2004, 7:39pm Report to Moderator
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I have FINALLY started work on that "next script" I kept on refering to! I have done about 12 pages lol. I can't say when it will be finished because I simply have no idea. Sometimes everything just falls into place and I write like crazy, and other times nothing happens at all! Hopefully some of the people that read Just Before Dawn will take a look when it's completed. And don't worry, it's not an adaptation .

Ian


"Are you saying I'm crazy!?"
"Oh no, but I'm certainly thinking it loudly"
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Adikia
Posted: July 7th, 2004, 3:38pm Report to Moderator
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Love to read it once it's finished, e-mail me copy?
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Ian
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Sure. I've worked on it some more today and now have 20 pages done. Hopefully the majority of it will come with ease. I don't want it to take too long to complete as I've been waiting to get this thing done since last summer! Thanks for the interest.

Ian


"Are you saying I'm crazy!?"
"Oh no, but I'm certainly thinking it loudly"
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TheJerk
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          I am (if you see this as good or bad) one who enjoys remakes, I don't know why. I just do. Especially this shit from th 1980's, this was a very boring film and I just didn't care for it.

         You have written this "backwoods camping" chop 'em script and you have the CARLY picture as your icon. I take it, you like your horror in the sticks? Anyways...

         This film needed a refreshing view on its story and you've created a semi-faithful script of the original. The setup in the beginning with the family and Freya(what kind of name is that) and Jodi was paced perfect for the opening. Your characters were all original and could easily be distinguished, I'm very pleased you didn't add any more characters were it would've been like "who are you again".
          I liked how you changed some of the death scenes around and you added to the chase sequences. You totally threw me off and I was utterly shocked when SPOILER.............Kansas was killed. That would look so damn awesome on screen. I do actually have one slight complaint, the sequence toward the end when the girls reach the families house and discover the "truth" was WAY longer then it should've been.

         Overall, I'd have to say not bad at all.  
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Ian
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Wow, I was surprised to find another review for this script this late in the game lol.

Yes, I love backwoods horror, which is why I wanted to write one of my own. I agree that it was a boring film, which is why I did this script. I took all the good bits, added to them, and replaced the boring stuff. Speaking of which, I’m planning to turn this into an original, which will mean some drastic changes to the story and alterations to several scenes. It won’t affect it too much though, because so much of this is my own rather than copied from the film (which is why I want to make it my own rather than a remake). Any suggestions of what should be changed for the new version would be appreciated .

I’m glad you thought I refreshed the story, with mention to the characters, death scenes and chases. These are things I worked really hard on. I’m also pleased that Kansas’ death came as a shock. That was definitely my intention lol. She’s my favourite character and it seems a lot of readers felt the same way. Her character and death have certainly gone down quite well. I wanted it to be my signature death for the film (like Carly’s impressive decapitation in Wrong Turn), the one that everyone remembers. That’s why I saved it for a character who appeared pegged for survival and one that the readers cared for.
Looking back on that scene at the house, it makes me cringe. Yes it’s long, and the dialogue is awful. It’s so on the nose. So much exposition. I find it to be unbearably cheesy, and I admit that I kind of rushed it. The last 30 or so pages were kind of rushed. I’d been working on the script for months and just had to finish. Once all the build up was done, I just went for it with all the killing and chasing lol. I’ll be more careful with the re-write.

Thanks for your comments, it’s nice to see people are still looking at this! It is however a little embarrassing as I’ve improved since this and there are so many glaring errors that it makes me blush lol.

Ian


"Are you saying I'm crazy!?"
"Oh no, but I'm certainly thinking it loudly"
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kev
Posted: May 25th, 2005, 5:00pm Report to Moderator
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I liked this script also but after reading it i decided to look it up and it's already a movie Just Before Dawn (1981) go to IMDB.com look it up!


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Ian
Posted: May 25th, 2005, 5:38pm Report to Moderator
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The script is a remake of the 1981 film.


"Are you saying I'm crazy!?"
"Oh no, but I'm certainly thinking it loudly"
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DDP
Posted: January 8th, 2007, 10:24am Report to Moderator
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Ian - I guess we have just learned from this thread that when your script is TOO good, people get jealous and start to criticize. I'd actually take the nutcase who started bashing your work as your biggest compliment. Haha.  I mean to actually have someone searing with so much jealousy that they have to come here and attack you so much is very sad but also very funny.  

The only true fact here is that a well-written script, original or not, can only be written by a talented person. Period. You are very talented.
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ReaperCreeper
Posted: January 9th, 2007, 12:43am Report to Moderator
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DDP, are you aware that this discussion took place in 2005? The discussion was finished a long time ago.

--Julio
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coffee
Posted: January 20th, 2007, 9:07am Report to Moderator
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IAN,
Have you written anything else these days?
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DDP
Posted: January 24th, 2007, 7:00pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from ReaperCreeper
DDP, are you aware that this discussion took place in 2005?


Yes, the dates are on every post.


Quoted Text
The discussion was finished a long time ago.

So? I read the thread and I felt I wanted to comment on the discussion, not participate in it, which is clearly impossible since it took place many months ago.


Quoted Text

IAN,
Have you written anything else these days?


Yes, I'd also like to know if this author is still around and if he has more works of this genre.



.
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Ian
Posted: January 30th, 2007, 6:45am Report to Moderator
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Hey, I'm the writer of Just Before Dawn and yes I'm still around. I haven't finished/submitted any scripts for quite a while though. I was pretty surprised to find people discussing this one again! Glad you liked it, although I think my writing has improved since this script so I sort of cringe when I look back on parts of it, to me it's a little embarrassing that people are reading it now! As a result it's currently being completely over-hauled because I think I can make it much better (and I want to make it an original story rather than a re-make of an existing film).
I do have another script on here, it's a slasher called REPRISAL (currently on page 6 here in the Horror section). But again, it's old so in my opinion it's not up to scratch. It too is being over-hauled dramatically because I think I can turn out a much better script. Feel free to take a look at it but be aware that I've sort of moved on lol.


"Are you saying I'm crazy!?"
"Oh no, but I'm certainly thinking it loudly"
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Sham
Posted: February 7th, 2007, 4:33pm Report to Moderator
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SPOILERS

Wow.  I'm really impressed by this.  You're very faithful to the original story, but you manage to add your own style and interpretation to make it fresh and interesting.  This is a lot fun.

The highlights here are the definitely the death scenes, two of which are very effective.  While I think Kansas' is the most unexpected and original, I think Adrienne really got it rough.  I imagine if this were a film, the MPAA would have some fun ripping the crap out of that scene.  I also love the waterfall scene where it turns red without the characters noticing.

You have some fun toying with the chase scenes, which I enjoyed.  Chase scenes are always good.

The dialogue is passable, but decent for a film of its caliber.  Most of it seems like "Where is _____?  How do we ______? Where are we gonna _____?"  But this is how the average person acts when they're scared -- questions come out like diarreah of the mouth, which is ok.

Keep writing.


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