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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  S E V E N O S I X Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: May 26th, 2004, 1:15pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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S E V E N O S I X by Adam Johnson - Horror - The death of Steve's wife may not have been an accident after all. And his daughter Ashley may just hold the key to the truth.  - htm, format


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Don  -  September 24th, 2005, 5:54pm
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Coronaguy17
Posted: May 26th, 2004, 2:55pm Report to Moderator
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Can we say Silent Hill?


Casey
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Adam Johnson
Posted: May 27th, 2004, 8:33pm Report to Moderator
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It only APPEARS that way....
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thefotonut
Posted: May 28th, 2004, 4:59am Report to Moderator
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Well it certainly appears VERY much that way.

fav line: "Oh God bless the man who bought this!" Only person I could imagine saying that is Mel Brooks.

I know your retort is going to be " I write for fun" but why copy the same concept of Silent Hill? Was it too hard to maybe have the girl search for her father? Is that boring?

Seriously people if you're going to change a few names here and there and throw in a few curse words for your characters, then why don't you do a cut and paste job from GAMEFAQS and alter those to yuor hearts content

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Old Time Wesley
Posted: May 28th, 2004, 2:45pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah I agree there, I doubt there's been a game movie that had the exact storyline of the game. Character likeness yes but not the exact story


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Adam Johnson
Posted: May 29th, 2004, 1:42am Report to Moderator
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Sure, the setup is the same but its a completely different story. Bearing that in mind, I still think you should give it a shot.
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baltis
Posted: May 29th, 2004, 5:22am Report to Moderator
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WOW! I read it and I want my 48 minutes and 52 seconds back! What are you doin here? This could get you sured by Konami, you do know that right?

SILENT HILL "the movie" with a different name and characters. And I wonder why hollywood is struggling to make new movies. Who wouldn't want to just remake them, when this is all everybody comes up with?

Very general and very run of the mill.
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Adam Johnson
Posted: May 29th, 2004, 8:25am Report to Moderator
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The storyline is NOT the same. I dont know where you come from saying that. There's similarities, (The town, the fog) the premise is almost the same (Father loses daughter in town) but it stops the moment he's in the town.
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baltis
Posted: May 29th, 2004, 8:47am Report to Moderator
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It don't matter if it's the exact same or not... the opening of your movie is the same and most of anyone who knows anything about anything -- Will spot it a mile away and asume the rest of the movie is a SH knock off.

Try to write outside the box. You see... hollywood and MTV has ruined the culture of music and movies for everyone. This is the time when us guys, can step up and make something new, fresh, inovative and above all else -- original!!!

Your movie is none of the above.
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Coronaguy17
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Ooh and by the way,  they are making SILENT HILL into a movie. It will be released sometime, late 2004 or early 2005.


Casey
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Old Time Wesley
Posted: May 29th, 2004, 1:02pm Report to Moderator
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You can't be sued unless you're trying to sell it


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mikehill1215
Posted: May 29th, 2004, 5:46pm Report to Moderator
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wrong... you can be sued if you take someone else’s copyrighted work and pass it off as your own even if you're not trying to sell it.   For example if you posted a re-write of a movie you didn't own the rights to,  you've opened up yourself to a copyright infringement lawsuit and possibly theft of intellectual property, especially if you’ve listed yourself as the author of the material.
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Adam Johnson
Posted: May 29th, 2004, 9:32pm Report to Moderator
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I cant and wont be sued. Unless they can prove beyond a reasonable doubt that everything is the same, which it ISNT, then they cant.

Guys, seriously, I know it starts out the same. I know the premise and the atmosphere is the same. But have you READ the rest? I'm not trying to be a bitch or anything, but when I'm flat out being accused of plagarism and a liar in the same phrase it pisses me off because I know I didnt copy the damn game. I didnt even get to finish that game (although I did finish 2 and some of 3).

Please guys, can you please put those notions aside and look at the quality of the script.

Yes, the game, not to mention THe FOG, Hard Rain, and a wealth of others were influences for this script.  But I know i didnt copy that game, whether you believe me or not. This was my first script, written five years ago, so yes I agree with all of you that the creative level is lower than my recent scripts. I merely polished it recently and wanted some feedback. But yet I keep getting accused of plagarism.

i know I sound like abitch that cant take criticism, but I assure you, I can. Check the other threads. what I DONT like is being called a liar etc.

Once again,m Ill state this like I did in a pat thread: my mother is a lawyer, I know the law very well, and have a well of knowledge just downstairs if I dont know something. I started out with a premise I loved and ran with it. Where was 706, Gabriel, and eveything else past page 30 in ANY of the Silent Hill games?

But I guarantee you after today Im gonna go back and fix any of those scenes that seem too familiar. But I cant change the premise at this point.

Please guys, I just want criticism on the script, not my honesty.
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Don
Posted: May 29th, 2004, 10:46pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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I'll second that.  Read what he wrote.  Discuss the merits of the script as a whole.  Would you slam someone as hard for their script of "Frankenstein"?

Don


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thefotonut
Posted: May 30th, 2004, 1:51am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Don, posted May 29th, 2004, 10:46pm at here
 Would you slam someone as hard for their script of "Frankenstein"?




Probably, if it followed the same "scene context" as Mary Shelly's story.

Without trying to sound mean, I really can't suggest any tips to improve it as the whole story sounds familiar to that particular game.

Considering you said you wrote this five years ago, then I'm sure you have written much better material since then.
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mikehill1215
Posted: May 30th, 2004, 4:09am Report to Moderator
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  Okay Adam,

I've read your script.  First off, I had no prior knowledge of 'silent hill', never played it, never even heard of it. I'm not a big video game guy.  I spent a few minutes researching the game on the net and read the plot of the game story.  You've got to be kidding right?  I mean you've copied the thing down to the descriptors,  what were you thinking?  How exactly do you expect anyone to give you a review on this?  It isn't your concept or your idea.  You claim that only the set-up is the same, fine I'll take your word for it.  Makes sense,  you didn't have anything to adapt for the middle because a video game is interactive and the action that takes place in the middle of the game depends on the person playing it.   I suspect that the ending is very similar to the ending of the game, I don't know for sure because I've never played it, but the ending of your script sure reads like a video game.

With that being said, I'll play along and give you my comments on the script.  You've proven that you have the standard formatting down.  There are times when the action paragraphs get too expositional and you have a problem with mixed tenses,  try to stick with the simple present  i.e.   "he looks" instead of "he's looking".  In reviewing the story itself,  I felt that the characters lacked depth, I'm not sure why, it may be that their motivations were unclear to me or that there was so much gore that it blocked out the rest of the story.  I suspect it's the later,  there was just too much violent imagery for the sake of shock value in this story.        

Here's my final comments, take them for what they are worth.  I didn't like the story and I think you're wasting you time with it. Bottom line it's not marketable.  I suspect that you have some talent and it would be better spent developing your own ideas and creating a unique voice to market your work.  I agree that in reality you won't be sued because the script simply poses no threat to the copyright owners. But if you want a reality check,  try pitching the script in some query letters to agents, tell them how the set-up is similar but not exact to an existing video game and the rest of the script you came up with on your own, and see what kind of response you get.
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baltis
Posted: May 30th, 2004, 5:12am Report to Moderator
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I 100% agree with this guy...^^^^^^^^^^^

But... I do have to say that if he did send a few query letters out with saying "that it shares in some similar plot lines with an existing video game" They'd probably say that it is something worth looking at.

How many times have we seen horror movies get recycled over and over and over and over again? You know why? Cause of guys wuth screenplays, just...like...this.

The writter has the format down. He goes overboard in descriptive gore moments, that in the end wouldn't be his choice anyway "unless he directed the movie"

You don't need to go into detail such as this

"The creature begins tearing and clawing at his organs. Shoving them into their mouths they choke on the blood and goo that they permit. They are knee deep in gore and enternal organs."

You don't need that... It might make for a good gory read, but C'mon! If you can craft a decent story then you can make sure the gore isn't the only draw.

"The creature suddenly unleashes a fury of savage swipes and swings at the man's gut. It begins to claw right thru the skin tissue. The creature is litterally bathing in the mans blood"

That does nothing but distract the reader from the main content... the story.

This is however not in your screenplay of course, but it is pretty right on with what you were trying to say.

I'd like to see some original stuff from you... I really would. Take about 3 to 4 days, brain storm and see what you come up with... I bet you'd impress a lotta folks on here.
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Adam Johnson
Posted: May 30th, 2004, 5:13am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from thefotonut, posted May 30th, 2004, 1:51am at here



Considering you said you wrote this five years ago, then I'm sure you have written much better material since then.



Very True. The whole reason I polished (enough to not be wholly embarassed) it was to gain some feedback for a possible heavy rewrite. One of the topics of discussion was indeed the area of the Silent Hill game.

But like I said, I took something and ran with it. It's really a completely different story past page 30 or so, except for the setting. And, of course, the Protag is still looking for his daughter. Setting + Theme never has equalled plagarism in my book. It may make for some heated discussions and some "iffy" sequences.

For instance, I KNOW the child popping out in the road to make them crash is in SH. And I believe theres an alleyway with a fence like that (completely bloody) in the opening thing of SH. But then our Protag (Steve) runs into a house and has a nice little chat with an insane townsmember. Which is absolutely NOT similar to any conversation I can honestly remember in any of the games.

Ill be the first to say I ripped off a scene or two early on, the "setup" is the big one, with the car crash. But then the story completely changes. The setting CANT change. And yeah, I know theres a school and everything in SH. But when you're looking for your daughter what are the logical places to go? Hospital, school, wherever some clue may lead you.

If anything, I recall, tehre was an ep of South Park. Everyone told the cops their parents were child molestors and pretty soon the kids were running the town. That was actually the catalyst for the story. It is 'recycled' from MANy different things. I could list them, but it could get long. I still enjoy the premise and the final storyline, but I guess some of this e'familiar' elements have to go. (which is exactly what I wanted)

Maybe instead of just calling me a plagariser and a liar you could really be helpful and give me the specific moments that cry "SILENT HILL!" *Poiints figner angrily* BEcause I know that some of you very familiar with the game could help me out. The object of posting was to disassociate it with that story.

And you cant judge how similar things are by the log lines or premises.

Man goes to town. Looks for kid. Madness ensues. Is that Children of the Corn or Jungle 2 jungle? You see my point.
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baltis
Posted: May 30th, 2004, 5:37am Report to Moderator
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You're right... we should... I did try to let you in on the fact your gore scenes are a bit... to much. Go lighter on description, this isn't a novel and you can get away with being very general and very to the point.

Have alot of short sentences. That is always a big plus.

Take out the little girl, make it his brother... ex-girlfriend... his dog that can talk. Take out the GIRL!!!!

Lessen the gore... You don't need to go overboard with it, just let us get the picture. Nothing more. I really don't need to hear how someone's gut's got ripped thru his throat and then slurped down by said DEMON. "AGAIN NOT IN YOUR SCRIPT" but you get the point.

Make the town have more folks wonderin' about. This guy needs interaction. The story is just to slow paced without plot points, plot pinches and good characters.


-------------------

Maybe do something like this -- not exactly, cause I am just making this up as I go... but something like this would be decent.

His wife dies... or does she? He and his best friend are on their way to pick up he and his deceased wife's child.  They are pulled over by a police officer "NOT A GIRL" to "click" "click" The officer is very strange and bust them for something. He splits the two up and makes them go into town in seperate cars.

Your lead, then wakes up in a cell. His head hurt. His memory vauge. Where is he? Why can't he remember anything?

Looking around he see's the palce is empty. He calls out. No answer. He walks to the cell door and leans against it. The cell door opens.

The police station is very vintage. Very 30ish, maybe even earlier. It has a dusty, wooden feel to it.

The lead calls out for his friend as he walks out of the cell area and into the lobby area.  A pool of blood catches his attention. A thick, dark patch of blood that leaks out of the front door and onto the steps outside.

It is foggy. Nothing is visible. The lead strolls out onto the porch of the station. He is careful not to step into the blood pool.

Once outside he see's his friends purse laying in the middle of the blood. He bends down and picks it up. Now spooked he begins to panic.

-----------------------

Take it from there... pitch the idea. Tell me it sucks... do whatever... It was just a general idea of your concept, that isn't so --- SPOT ON S.H.

I wish you luck.
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mikehill1215
Posted: May 30th, 2004, 2:09pm Report to Moderator
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Adam I don't want to beat a dead horse here but...  

You keep insisting that the set-up is only vaguely copied from silent hill, you seem to want to shrug it off, yet the very first person to comment on the script nails you on it.  What does that tell you? That its probably much more obvious and pervasive than you can admit to yourself.  Additionally you insist that the story is your own from there on, minimizing the effect of the borrowed set-up, but you admit that you can't change the set -up because it's to important to the story.  Well which is it?  You can't have things both ways,   it's either a replaceable gimmick or the entire story is dependent on someone else’s ideas.  Bottom line...Just change the beginning of the script!!

I won't pretend that I have anymore knowledge into the subject then every other aspiring screenwriter.  However, I can tell you that universally every professional will tell a new writer trying to break into the business,  that he needs a unique voice and idea.  Yes, there are many re-writes and sequels in Hollywood, but none of those types of movies  are written by rookie screenwriters,  they are handled by veteran screenwriters who have already broken in.

If this post comes off as ranting I apologize. It's just that you seem to be an intelligent person and I can't for the life of me understand why you're reluctant to use your own material.  I would very much like it if you posted another script of yours to read, surely you must of come up with something else in the past five years. I just don't think its fair or smart to ask others to give you critique based on someone else’s idea.
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Adam Johnson
Posted: May 31st, 2004, 1:59am Report to Moderator
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I have posted five other scripts on this site.

Here: http://www.simplyscripts.com/cgi-bin/search.pl?search=adam+johnson&method=exact

None of them are going to blow your socks off, old drafts, not really up to current creative standards. One or two of them have some okay potential. Theres even the early draft of  SEVENOSIX, then eititled Dark Times. Truly not much different except for some early scenes.

EDIT: I think the link from Dark Times was changed to the updated SEVENOSIX, but the link name still remains Dark Times. So note that when searching.

Ill spit  this out now I guess. Although I absolutely despise actual plagarism throughout my tenure I've been known to be seriously influenced by certain scenes in certain similar films.

Take Adrenaline, for example. Superhero movie extraordinaire. I'm very proud of this script, it  turned out the way I wanted it. But there are a few sequences that seem similar to Unbreakable (my favorite film) which was the main influence for the film. Theres a few weightlifting scenes, and although they are quite very the same I saw no better way for a young superhero learning of his powers to test them in a realistic and, above  all, human way. i mean wouldnt you go to the gym to see if you could bench ive times what you could a week ago? Or would you go try to lift a car?

Another. (Ranting now). The choice of superhero uniform got slack in the same way. Black trenchcoat. Similar to green slicker, Unbreakable. Truthfully, this is what I envisioned myself wearing if in the same position, it keepos him dry and warm, and besides that, theres not much difference between a trenchcoat and a cape (the greatest thing I love about the trench). But because they are so similar, even though logically they are both perfect for the movie and the characters, it gets slack. I chose, and still do, to make the decision that is best for this current script. IF it is similar to something, I'll do what Im doing now and judge others opinions of it, and change it as much as I think I can without damaging the initial integrity I saw in it in the first place. And I think thats, generally, the best way to go.
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baltis
Posted: May 31st, 2004, 2:33am Report to Moderator
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I won a contest for a D.C. movie for the FLASH... Came in 3rd about a year ago. I didn't win, but I did rank. They had it posted on the website and all the winners for sometime. I felt really good about it. Though they will not use it for the movie, nor will they the actuall winners screenplay, it was still a good script and a fun one to do.

I had him start out as the Flash and a long time savior of Central City. At the begining the Trixster has set five bombs around the city. They are going to destory it if the Flash does not surrender himself on live TV.

The Flash races thru the streets trying to collect and track down the bombs. He does so, all but one. One that was attached at the bottom of the Central City dam. It blows up and floods out the city. Killing over half the population in the process.

He let them down. He is even said to have died in the blast or the flood, one of the two.

We cut to several years latter where he is working on the slumside of "network city" in a car plant. He's given up his role as the flash and is haunted by the events of the day he let everyone down.  He's out of shape, became an alchoalic and even smokes now.

The city still holds a grudge and is in the rebuilding stage. With the Trixter himself mayor. He's let all the villans out and apointed them to various jobs around the city.

When he gets word of the peril his city is under, he jumps back into the flash role to become the hero he once was.

It turned out good. I'll see if I can post it here if anyone would be interested in reading it. I wish D.C. would have used it for the new movie.
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baltis
Posted: May 31st, 2004, 3:04am Report to Moderator
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You know... I just checked out his screenplay again. I read it the 1st time in like 48 minutes, so I knew I could get it out of the way in like 30 this time around. I checked it for mistakes and other such grammer errors and guess what...

It's not all that bad, upon your second read. It really isn't.

It takes much from S.H. and the ring and village of the dammed, but if you get past them marks, it's not bad.

I'd go see this movie, if it wasn't done all hollywood and have an already teen bop following behind it.

It is like a set up to the Silent hill game.  Only here you couldn't play it to pass the plot points, so he added his own. I can't really condem him for making a movie based off of a game he obviously likes very much. He knows it well enough to make a decent screenplay out of it.

As for the ring and the children of the dammed tie in's.... cut'em out. They were both lousy movies and only tarnish your's. The whole dad hanging himself, just screams the ring. Only he didn't electricute himself, he hung himself.

This is a more complet a more rounded Silent Hill. You did try n' get a little to fancy with your time checks and all that garbage. You tried to lead everyone away from what the movie really way with gore and useless writting tricks.

In the end... I liked it. Best screenplay I've read here yet. I'm sorry I jumped to conclusions earlier. It's worlds better than the abysmal "SCHOOL OF THE DEAD" some joker wrote.
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Michael Myers
Posted: May 31st, 2004, 11:50am Report to Moderator
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Nice script... How many have you wrote?

Ive written 12


http://www.youtube.com/reddragonproductions

COMPLETE: "Rose Haven"
WRITING: Modern Western
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Adam Johnson
Posted: June 1st, 2004, 1:11am Report to Moderator
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Ivr written six and two halves. I usually just say seven. But I'm only 19, I think thats pretty good.

But, 12 is pretty good too.

Hey, Baltis, thanks man. I was starting to get worried that it was just utter shit, when I didnt think it was.

Funny you mention the teeny bop thing. When the original draft was posted I had a lot of interest from a couple indie producers. It would have gone STV, but what the hell did i care?! One of them showed the script to his board and they all said it should have a younger cast. They subsequently turned me down. Bastards.
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mattpike
Posted: July 13th, 2004, 8:23pm Report to Moderator
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love the title, havent read it yet! but the first thing to catch my eye was the title.
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Adam Johnson
Posted: August 29th, 2004, 11:36am Report to Moderator
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Bump shicka bump bump!    I just want some more feedback. Im about to start a new draft.
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Bryy
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Adam, I know that your sincere and everything, and that you wanted to write a good script, and you even have admitted to copying Silent Hill for the first 30 pages. So, I'll start with the end...

The ending battle just feels like a video game, and there is no real satisfying end to the script. It just seems to end. Just like it just seems to begin. It is not enough that you say that "this was from the game, but this WASN'T", because thats not being original, thats just putting in some original filler when you see fit and then going back to the video game.

The characters were amazingly dull. All of them, except Walton. And he gave everything away too quickly. The thing is: you need your characters to be more than ways to move the plot forward. They need to be real. Speaking of giving everything away too quickly, there was no real need for me to continue reading. I felt like I knew why everything was happening. The plot came to me on a silver platter.

It reads like a video game the whole way through. I did not feel like any of the events that happened were happening because of what Steve did or what was happening within the current situation. They felt "he goes here, this happens". The entire plot just felt disorganized and discombobulated.
What's more, the script does not give any indication that we should care. There is no character development, the whole script just seems to randomly happen, and the dialogue is horrible. Please work on it.

I know you wrote it five years ago, but it just is bad in its current condition. As a last note, it lags and is boring the whole way through, and it just is condescending to the audience.
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