Journey To Death by R.E.Freak - Horror - A pandemic, unlike anything seen before. Millions dead within the first hours of the outbreak. As the world governments join together to try and stop the spread, they are faced with a new threat: the dead aren't staying dead. Now, in a small town in the middle of the American Midwest, a group of survivors must try and remain alive despite the odds. Facing off against a seemingly endless army of undead, they come to realize that they are being watched. And their enemies are learning. Five years in the making, here is the 164 page final draft. - html format.

Next Draft:

Journey To Death by R.E.Freak - Horror - A pandemic, unlike anything seen before. Millions dead within the first hours of the outbreak. As the world governments join together to try and stop the spread, they are faced with a new threat: the dead aren't staying dead. Now, in a small town in the middle of the American Midwest, a group of survivors must try and remain alive despite the odds. Facing off against a seemingly endless army of undead, they come to realize that they are being watched. And their enemies are learning. This draft contains the original 'hopeful' ending that I feel is much more fitting. - html format.

I'd really like some reviews of this guy, see if those five years of my life were worth it.

This was a cool script R.E. Freak. That 5 years was WAY worth it!

This was excellent. I loved the bit with the medicine balls and my favourite character was Filla, I'll give you a longer review soon.

Cool, thanks.

I'm reading the script now and it's good. This has to be one of the BEST scripts I've read on here. A great zombie film. My favorite character is Jessie. I hope she don't die.

**SPOILERS**
Read the script, thought it was good. No "Hollywood" style ending. There are *slight* spelling mistakes, and grammatical errors - but not much for a 165-page script.

I liked the characters, though at times they seemed (to me atleast) quite similar. But again, it did'nt happen too much for a 165-page script. I liked Jessie as she seemed the most different to the rest of the crew.

The strong point to the script, is the fact that the zombies began to learn - very clever. I'm not sure how they started to "evolve", and why - but that's okay! I was also a little unsure as to how everyone was not infected (I take it, that you either got bit, or you were close to the original outbreak)?

I seemed to recall them going through an aweful lot of ammunition compared to the magazine clips - but I am not an expert in machine guns.

Finally, I understand why you put in the musical scores - but, as I've been told - Directors don't like to be told things, and I usually omit musical sequences etc...But if you are writing to direct this yourself - then that's cool!

Now, please don't think I am being harsh or anything - I'm just telling you what I thought as I went through the script. I really enjoyed it - and unlike many other scripts I try to read, I got past the first 20 pages or so without any problems - that in itself is a compliment! You setup some great scenes - and, with a good cinematographer - you will have some nice shots!

A very good effort - pat yourself on the back!

Good Job!!

I just finished reading this, and it's not that bad, but it definitely needs some work.

I started to read this online, but I found the scene numbering to be annoying and distracting (and unnecessary). Why are they there? So I pasted it into Final Draft, and it came out to be 149 pages rather than the 164 you stated. That's still too long, though.

My main problem with JtD is your over-use of camera direction. Way too many 'PANS' and 'ANGLE ONs' and 'TILT DOWNs/UPs' and 'DOLLYs'. That stuff is for the director and cinematographer to figure out. Of course, I know why you do it: You see the action in your mind a specific way and you think you should write it that way, but most of the time it's not needed (and from what I've learned, it's also unwanted). Generally, it's best to just describe the action in the scene, not neccesarily how the camera sees it.

The other problem I saw was your tendency to overwrite. An example from the first page:

"AERIAL SHOT high above a forest, an endless field of green stretching as far as we can see in every direction."

And this is just the first sentence. Here you're essentially giving the same information 3 times. "Endless field", "stretching as far as we can see", and "every direction". All you really need to say is:

"High above the forest, an endless field of green stretches in every direction."

In fact, you could make it even shorter.

Another example, on page two:

"The truck grinds to a halt, brakes creaking. The dust cloud blows forward and swirls around the truck, slowly dissipating."

Too many words for too little action. A more economical version would be:

"The truck grinds to a halt, kicking up a cloud of dust."

That's all you need. The creaking brakes are not important and we don't need to be told that the dust swirls then dissipates, because that is what dust always does, right?

My point is that you need to simplify. This overwriting is why your script is 149 pages. If you remove most of the camera direction and trim your action paragraphs, I guarantee you could lose a good 10 pages or so, at least.

Here's a part of the paragraph where we first meet Jack:

"We come across a man, sitting on the edge of a cot, hunched over holding a pistol. He's just staring at the floor, the radio at his feet. He is JACK. An unemployed twenty nine year old, caught up in the pandemic. He has no idea how he got this far, or why he's still alive. He's an avid gamer, a fan of zombie flicks. Maybe too much. His view on reality has become slightly warped. He sees what the world has become as simply one of his zombie flicks, and he's living it as such. Even then the strain's getting to me too much. He is human after all ..."

The sentences in bold don't belong in a screenplay, IMO.
All this information would be completely unseen by the viewer. We know it because we are reading it, but none of it would show up on screen. Don't tell us he loves something or thinks a certain way, show us through action, dialogue or other visual clues. That sort of writing is for novels and short stories, not screenplays.

Aside from the writing, the story was okay, though nothing spectacular or new. The characters need clearer goals, and they didn't really grow or learn much as the story unfolded. And the ending was just an ending, not a real satisfying conclusion to the story.

Don't get the wrong idea, I didn't hate this script. I liked the smart zombies bit, but I think you could have done more with it. There's plenty of action, but most of it is shooting, and that got kind of boring after awhile.

Hmm, I've already written more than I planned, so I'll stop here. So, Good Luck and I would like to read another draft of this screenplay sometime, maybe when you've trimmed it to 130 pages or so  

R.E. this is the 1st actual screenplay of your's that I have had the priv to even read a few pages of. I think you're the one who does them in acrobat or something, I got rid of my acrobat reader so.... I could never read one.

Anyway here goes.
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I've only got into it about 15 pages. Your set up is good a little slow paced at times. You did mention it was some 165 pages, though.

I have a problem with camera placement. I just do. I was tought to always stay clear of them and so... well, this is kinda bugging me a bit.  It's not that still don't write with such detail that we don't already know what to see, but they do become a hinderence when you are trying to adapt to the characters and surroundings.

I was really tired of all the CONTROLLERS and such. That kinda drug on a bit. I know they were a very large part of thestart, but I think it could have been cut down a small smidgit.

In my honset opinon, you have the best opeiner after the credits. WOW! It was telling, it was descriptive and it was just unsettling. If this was my screenplay, I'd do away with the 1st part of your screenplay with the scientist. Just my opinion.
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Alright that's as far as I can go for now. I have to go buy another car, cause mine was totaled out about 2 weeks ago  

I love what you have so far. It's fantastic, I would however cut out some camera angles "95%" of them and take out the 1st intro. You can have your title & credits over the opeing after the lab incident.

I can see why everyone raves about your stuff, it's fantastic. I'll be back with the rest of the review once I finish this up a bit latter on.

Balt.

Cool, thanks to everyone. I'll play around with it a bit and see what I can do.

I just remembered another minor problem with JtD.

Throughout the script you capitalize all the characters names in every action paragraph. You don't need to do this, capitalization is only needed for the first appearance of a character. The main reason for this is to make it very clear when a new character is introduced.

I removed the intro and made a few changes, which cut it down about 10 - 15 pages. As for the camera stuff, that's actually in there because I wrote this mostly for me. If I have a chance I'd make this, as the town it's set in is the town I live in (my parents own the general store). I just put the camera angles and music keys in there mostly as notes to remind me of shots I thought of. If I tried to sell it I'd remove all that stuff, but for now it's just in there as place holders.

Quoted Text As for the camera stuff, that's actually in there because I wrote this mostly for me.

I suspected that was why it was in there. Personally, I have no aspirations to be a director, so I'm in the habit of avoiding camera direction unless it's really needed. So when I see it in somebody else's script, alarms go off. IMO, any script that you present for somebody else to read should not have that kind of excessive direction.

So even though you may not intend to sell a script, I believe it's best to write it as though you will, even from the start. If you get in the habit of over-using camera direction it may be hard to break that habit when you really have to. But that's just how I see it.

I'd like to read the trimmed version, may I?

So are you planning on filming this, Freak?

If I get the chance I wouldn't mind filming it. It's sort of a pet project of mine, I'd hate to hand it off to someone else. As for the trimmed version, it's not quite ready yet but it should be pretty soon.