Journey To Death by R.E.Freak - Horror - A pandemic, unlike anything seen before. Millions dead within the first hours of the outbreak. As the world governments join together to try and stop the spread, they are faced with a new threat: the dead aren't staying dead. Now, in a small town in the middle of the American Midwest, a group of survivors must try and remain alive despite the odds. Facing off against a seemingly endless army of undead, they come to realize that they are being watched. And their enemies are learning. Five years in the making, here is the 164 page final draft. - html format.

Next Draft:

Journey To Death by R.E.Freak - Horror - A pandemic, unlike anything seen before. Millions dead within the first hours of the outbreak. As the world governments join together to try and stop the spread, they are faced with a new threat: the dead aren't staying dead. Now, in a small town in the middle of the American Midwest, a group of survivors must try and remain alive despite the odds. Facing off against a seemingly endless army of undead, they come to realize that they are being watched. And their enemies are learning. This draft contains the original 'hopeful' ending that I feel is much more fitting. - html format.

I'd really like some reviews of this guy, see if those five years of my life were worth it.

This was a cool script R.E. Freak. That 5 years was WAY worth it!

This was excellent. I loved the bit with the medicine balls and my favourite character was Filla, I'll give you a longer review soon.

Cool, thanks.

I'm reading the script now and it's good. This has to be one of the BEST scripts I've read on here. A great zombie film. My favorite character is Jessie. I hope she don't die.

**SPOILERS**
Read the script, thought it was good. No "Hollywood" style ending. There are *slight* spelling mistakes, and grammatical errors - but not much for a 165-page script.

I liked the characters, though at times they seemed (to me atleast) quite similar. But again, it did'nt happen too much for a 165-page script. I liked Jessie as she seemed the most different to the rest of the crew.

The strong point to the script, is the fact that the zombies began to learn - very clever. I'm not sure how they started to "evolve", and why - but that's okay! I was also a little unsure as to how everyone was not infected (I take it, that you either got bit, or you were close to the original outbreak)?

I seemed to recall them going through an aweful lot of ammunition compared to the magazine clips - but I am not an expert in machine guns.

Finally, I understand why you put in the musical scores - but, as I've been told - Directors don't like to be told things, and I usually omit musical sequences etc...But if you are writing to direct this yourself - then that's cool!

Now, please don't think I am being harsh or anything - I'm just telling you what I thought as I went through the script. I really enjoyed it - and unlike many other scripts I try to read, I got past the first 20 pages or so without any problems - that in itself is a compliment! You setup some great scenes - and, with a good cinematographer - you will have some nice shots!

A very good effort - pat yourself on the back!

Good Job!!

I just finished reading this, and it's not that bad, but it definitely needs some work.

I started to read this online, but I found the scene numbering to be annoying and distracting (and unnecessary). Why are they there? So I pasted it into Final Draft, and it came out to be 149 pages rather than the 164 you stated. That's still too long, though.

My main problem with JtD is your over-use of camera direction. Way too many 'PANS' and 'ANGLE ONs' and 'TILT DOWNs/UPs' and 'DOLLYs'. That stuff is for the director and cinematographer to figure out. Of course, I know why you do it: You see the action in your mind a specific way and you think you should write it that way, but most of the time it's not needed (and from what I've learned, it's also unwanted). Generally, it's best to just describe the action in the scene, not neccesarily how the camera sees it.

The other problem I saw was your tendency to overwrite. An example from the first page:

"AERIAL SHOT high above a forest, an endless field of green stretching as far as we can see in every direction."

And this is just the first sentence. Here you're essentially giving the same information 3 times. "Endless field", "stretching as far as we can see", and "every direction". All you really need to say is:

"High above the forest, an endless field of green stretches in every direction."

In fact, you could make it even shorter.

Another example, on page two:

"The truck grinds to a halt, brakes creaking. The dust cloud blows forward and swirls around the truck, slowly dissipating."

Too many words for too little action. A more economical version would be:

"The truck grinds to a halt, kicking up a cloud of dust."

That's all you need. The creaking brakes are not important and we don't need to be told that the dust swirls then dissipates, because that is what dust always does, right?

My point is that you need to simplify. This overwriting is why your script is 149 pages. If you remove most of the camera direction and trim your action paragraphs, I guarantee you could lose a good 10 pages or so, at least.

Here's a part of the paragraph where we first meet Jack:

"We come across a man, sitting on the edge of a cot, hunched over holding a pistol. He's just staring at the floor, the radio at his feet. He is JACK. An unemployed twenty nine year old, caught up in the pandemic. He has no idea how he got this far, or why he's still alive. He's an avid gamer, a fan of zombie flicks. Maybe too much. His view on reality has become slightly warped. He sees what the world has become as simply one of his zombie flicks, and he's living it as such. Even then the strain's getting to me too much. He is human after all ..."

The sentences in bold don't belong in a screenplay, IMO.
All this information would be completely unseen by the viewer. We know it because we are reading it, but none of it would show up on screen. Don't tell us he loves something or thinks a certain way, show us through action, dialogue or other visual clues. That sort of writing is for novels and short stories, not screenplays.

Aside from the writing, the story was okay, though nothing spectacular or new. The characters need clearer goals, and they didn't really grow or learn much as the story unfolded. And the ending was just an ending, not a real satisfying conclusion to the story.

Don't get the wrong idea, I didn't hate this script. I liked the smart zombies bit, but I think you could have done more with it. There's plenty of action, but most of it is shooting, and that got kind of boring after awhile.

Hmm, I've already written more than I planned, so I'll stop here. So, Good Luck and I would like to read another draft of this screenplay sometime, maybe when you've trimmed it to 130 pages or so  

R.E. this is the 1st actual screenplay of your's that I have had the priv to even read a few pages of. I think you're the one who does them in acrobat or something, I got rid of my acrobat reader so.... I could never read one.

Anyway here goes.
------

I've only got into it about 15 pages. Your set up is good a little slow paced at times. You did mention it was some 165 pages, though.

I have a problem with camera placement. I just do. I was tought to always stay clear of them and so... well, this is kinda bugging me a bit.  It's not that still don't write with such detail that we don't already know what to see, but they do become a hinderence when you are trying to adapt to the characters and surroundings.

I was really tired of all the CONTROLLERS and such. That kinda drug on a bit. I know they were a very large part of thestart, but I think it could have been cut down a small smidgit.

In my honset opinon, you have the best opeiner after the credits. WOW! It was telling, it was descriptive and it was just unsettling. If this was my screenplay, I'd do away with the 1st part of your screenplay with the scientist. Just my opinion.
---------------

Alright that's as far as I can go for now. I have to go buy another car, cause mine was totaled out about 2 weeks ago  

I love what you have so far. It's fantastic, I would however cut out some camera angles "95%" of them and take out the 1st intro. You can have your title & credits over the opeing after the lab incident.

I can see why everyone raves about your stuff, it's fantastic. I'll be back with the rest of the review once I finish this up a bit latter on.

Balt.

Cool, thanks to everyone. I'll play around with it a bit and see what I can do.

I just remembered another minor problem with JtD.

Throughout the script you capitalize all the characters names in every action paragraph. You don't need to do this, capitalization is only needed for the first appearance of a character. The main reason for this is to make it very clear when a new character is introduced.

I removed the intro and made a few changes, which cut it down about 10 - 15 pages. As for the camera stuff, that's actually in there because I wrote this mostly for me. If I have a chance I'd make this, as the town it's set in is the town I live in (my parents own the general store). I just put the camera angles and music keys in there mostly as notes to remind me of shots I thought of. If I tried to sell it I'd remove all that stuff, but for now it's just in there as place holders.

Quoted Text As for the camera stuff, that's actually in there because I wrote this mostly for me.

I suspected that was why it was in there. Personally, I have no aspirations to be a director, so I'm in the habit of avoiding camera direction unless it's really needed. So when I see it in somebody else's script, alarms go off. IMO, any script that you present for somebody else to read should not have that kind of excessive direction.

So even though you may not intend to sell a script, I believe it's best to write it as though you will, even from the start. If you get in the habit of over-using camera direction it may be hard to break that habit when you really have to. But that's just how I see it.

I'd like to read the trimmed version, may I?

So are you planning on filming this, Freak?

If I get the chance I wouldn't mind filming it. It's sort of a pet project of mine, I'd hate to hand it off to someone else. As for the trimmed version, it's not quite ready yet but it should be pretty soon.

Well if you ever did then tell me, cos I'd like to audition for the part of Filla.

No question, you'll be the first person I call.

Good, good.

And to be honest, if this script is seen by "the right people" then I'll get a call quite soon.

I finally finished it!

I haven't had much time around here as of late... to write or read or post. So I'll have to make this quick too.

I liked it. I see that you have changed some stuff around by your post and that is probably for the best. I don't however like the ZOMBIES using weapons and such... I just don't like the idea of ZOMBIES running fast, talking, using guns and weaponry or climbing anything. They are rotted corpses nothing more and nothing less.

In the end you have a good screenplay. I would put this in my top 10 that I've read on the boards now. I didn't like the vauge ending. Did they live or die? Did you really care if they did?

I can tell you right now -- I do not like FILLA, I wanted that one to die so many time.

I love your writting it's the best on the boards... well, you and the incredible writter behind "GOONIES NEVER SAY DIE" You both have great craft to tell a story.

I look forward to reading other stuff from you, but I don't wanna DL acrobat to do it. I will rate this one a 4 it's incredible and well worth a read. I just didn't like the intro, the ZOMBIES being smart is kinda... and the ending was a bit to hopeful.

I like the sad, sudden endings
I like the happy, ever after endings
I do not like it inbetween...

Good stuff though... Really good stuff. You shouldn't have no problem getting this sold if you get it out the door and stop wasting your energy talking it up on a message board.

Just my two cents.

Balt.

I'm working on some new drafts of all my Biohazards over the summer, and they'll be in html.

Quoted from baltis, posted June 17th, 2004, 1:05pm at here I can tell you right now -- I do not like FILLA, I wanted that one to die so many time.

You didn't like Filla?! Goose, he didn't like Filla!  

Quoted Text I love your writting it's the best on the boards... well, you and the incredible writter behind "GOONIES NEVER SAY DIE" You both have great craft to tell a story.

Quoted Text I look forward to reading other stuff from you, but I don't wanna DL acrobat to do it.

Like I said above, I'm redoing all of my scripts in HTML format. There's too many people who can't read PDF.

Quoted Text I just didn't like the intro, the ZOMBIES being smart is kinda...

The intro is gone. Return of the Living Dead is one of my favorite undead flicks, and I really liked the undead thinking, though I tried not to be as over the top with mine (Send more cops.).

Quoted Text I like the sad, sudden endings I like the happy, ever after endings I do not like it inbetween...

If you like the sad endings you'll like the new ending. It's a lot darker, and. . . well, it's more along the lines of Night of the Living Dead, rather than Dawn of the Dead. (I try and tell people things without giving away the ending, so I compare everything to certain flicks)

Quoted Text Good stuff though... Really good stuff. You shouldn't have no problem getting this sold if you get it out the door and stop wasting your energy talking it up on a message board.

And leave Simply? The heck you say! Really though, I'll never leave this place. It's become a second home for me. (I really need a life).

Thanks for the review. The next draft (I've lost count now) was just sent in so it should be up with the next update. It's got a new ending, and I cleared out about ten pages of stuff, but I added more and it's still 165 pages! Sigh.

165 pages of action mixed with dialouge and story will put you at about 2 hours and 30 minutes... don't worry, if it's as good on film as it reads on paper -- We'd all sit thru it.

VAN HELSING was complete trash and I sat thru it's 2hours and 3o minutes...

I'd be more than happy to have watched this movie instead.

You'll get it sold... it's fantastic and what hollywood needs right about now. A kick you in the teeth, no holds barred ZOMBIE flick that takes it's self serious and doesn't leave anything to question.

You got a winner here and like I said in one of my other post somewhere... your work is the best on the boards, hands down.

Although it came off wrong -- I didn't mean to sound harsh or critical about the "STOP WASTING ENGERGY" thing... I simply ment you really need to put as much energy into talking to an agent or a production company, like you do here with all of us.

This is marketed material and at the very least, in the case it does run long and longer... it could always be an HBO mini series  ')

This script is definately one of the better Zombie movies out there. To compare it to Dawn of the Dead or 28 Days Later would be an insult because this script is well beyond either of those. If it is ever made, I'll be first in line to see it. Well done.

dont make a sequel.

baltis:

Well, you are right. I spend probably about four or five hours on forums and message boards (including this one) in a day. I have very few aspects of a life. Oh well. One more year then I'm moving out of the middle of nowhere² to a big city, that'll help me a lot. It's hard to get the ball rolling when the only big business in town is the general store and you own it.  

chism:

Much thanks saying it's better than 28 Days Later and DotD(04 I assume?). Those are two of my favorite zombie flicks, to have my simple little zombie flick called better than those is great. A little injection of confidence.

Filla? Filla was my favourite character! I hope to star as him (as me and freak said earlier) when (not if WHEN) this is made!

Goose gets to be Filla of course, hands down, no question, tis as it is. Hope you don't mind hanging out with me, if this thing gets made I'll fight and claw until I secure my place as West.

Hey, Freak. To tell you the truth, I was kinda wary about reading a zombie script on this site. (there seems to be a lot of them around here). But I was amazed at how excellent your writing is. I mean I seriously believe you have a bright future in the film industry.
I liked Night of the Living Dead, but I hated 28 Days Later with a passion. In my opinion, there're only a few writers out there that can actually make a horror movie worth watching. And you are definitely one of them. Keep up the good work!

However much I do agree with you on our friends writting ability here... I have to disagree with you on there not being any good HORROR MOVIE writers.

Maybe not in HOLLYWOOD, but there are so many ITALIAN and EUROPEAN screenwriters who we seldom hear of or see, making kick ass flicks.

I do however also go to pat myself on the back and my good friend J.D. -- as we both have some of the most inovative and new idea's I've ever seen or heard.

When we get together, the wheels start turning and light bulbs start burning.

Hear hear baltis.

And lest we forget Lucio Fulci, the true godfather of gore, one of the main reasons I write zombie flicks. It is kind of ironic though, he died in 1996 which was when I first saw Zombie, which got me as obsessed with my undead friends as I am today. Maybe an omen?

... you very well could be LUCI FULCI incarnet. You very well could be...

I'm working on it today, maybe a bit tomorrow. I'm going on a bit of a hike, going to all the places I used in my script (the school, the canal, the hill, the highway, etc.) and taking pictures of them. In the next couple of days I should have the pics loaded up on my site, then linked to here.

I finally finished it!  It only took 3 and a half hours!!!  However, i did not get it in a few places.


It was worth it. The idea that the Zombies would evolve overtime is incredible!  Maybe I've been living under a rock, but never seen a movie where they did that, and always wondered why they didn't.  Never seen anything by Lucio Fulci, i always beleived the real master of zombie flicks was george romero.   The one mistake I really saw was that they used a lot more ammunition then they loaded, that was obvious immediately to me.  They don't reload as often as they should.

However, if this is seen by the RIGHT people, it could hit theatres.  Judged by the camera angles and the images you used, i'd say you have a real good ''directors eye'' as they call it.

It was good, and would make an interesting movie, but the violence was way over the top in some parts, watch out for that if you're trying to sell it, execs hate that.

I don't get it??? ^^^^^^^^^^^

Thanks for re-posting my post, but... I don't really know if anyone wanted to re-read it all.


Also, if you think ROMERO is the king of gore... watch Fulci. He's the man... the best. His writting and his vision is so raw, so gritty, so abstract you'll walk away with something... something you won't be able to describe at 1st.

Fulci is the Godfather of gore. None can beat him, not even Romero. Romero was realistic gore. Fulci was a visceral, hit-you-in-the-face kind of gore.

http://www.freewebs.com/freaksworld/jtd%20locations.zip

The link should work. If you want to know what I was thinking when I wrote certain scenes, click away. There's stuff like the school, the back door, the front, the library windows, the various sections of highway where things happen. Those sorts of things.

Baltis,

Sorry, the whole reposting posts was I was going to comment on two or three things you said, and wanted to put quote tags on them in my post and the whole copy paste thing got screwed up, i think i hit cut and copy or something like that, and didn't think it got pasted, but it sure did, so I altered it.

Listen to Red Hot Chilli Peppers 'Don't Forget Me.' That's the song I'd want for the opening titles.

Revised draft

Journey To Death by R.E.Freak - Horror - A pandemic, unlike anything seen before. Millions dead within the first hours of the outbreak. As the world governments join together to try and stop the spread, they are faced with a new threat: the dead aren't staying dead. Now, in a small town in the middle of the American Midwest, a group of survivors must try and remain alive despite the odds. Facing off against a seemingly endless army of undead, they come to realize that they are being watched. And their enemies are learning. This draft contains the original 'hopeful' ending that I feel is much more fitting. - html format.

okay, now I have time to read it, so I will.

Gracias Don.

This ending I liked much better. And it leaves it open for the sequel, sort of a part dos.

Seemed like the same script to me, but th

All I did was put the old ending back in.

By the way, did anyone check out the pictures?

I got an error, while trying to download them.

If you just open the file it should work (works for me anyway). Downloading it might cause something to mess up (wretched machines).

Ok, read it all at once. So the beginning was great, the flashbacks and stuff. The buildup to the action and the people surviving is good. The way you want to make this into a movie is very good, I'm referring to the camera shots.  The camping bit from Filla and West is strange tho, how could you camp, while you know those things are all over the country. The zombie's playing smart is cool, but the grouping, and order I hate, it reminded me of Planet of the apes, and that ain't good. I find the two endings good, altho the first "dramatic" one, who's the zombie with the rifle? Is it West, Kevin, Jack, Filla ? In the movie we could see it ofcourse, but now? And the second ending, well ye it ends good I suppose:p, I slightly prefer the dramatic one tho.
Couple of spelling errors:

"There will not me [be] a moment that I am not aware of everything that is going on, or that I am unable to do anything."

"JACK steps into frame, standing on the foor [roof]."

"One of those things god [got] on the hood, Fenton opens his window to shoot it off."

"He stops, patting one of the pockets on his jacket. He smiles. He reaches in a [and] pulls out a cigarette."

also I didn't like any character, if there's one character I could connect to it was Jack, but even then.. As you could see I don't care weather the ending is dramatic or non dramatic :p. But overall it is nice, and I watched the photographs, try taking them at night, and try to take zombieshots from other movies rampaging against a wall, and edit them onto your photo's xD

Top 3 of zombiescripts (so far)
Coffin Canyon
Journey To Death
Zombified

Greetz =)

Well, the last time I read this script I told you that it was so far beyond movies like Dawn of the Dead and Resident Evil, or something like that.

But no matter how it ends, the script still just seems to work. A brilliant splatterfest that goes on just long enough for you to really get the full impact and full scope that I think you were going for.

Brilliantly written.

But, seriously dude, DON'T MAKE A SEQUEL. Because right now, this sight seems to be on zombie overload, with a new horror flick coming in ten times a day.

Trust me, you'll like the sequel. So far it's 160 pages, and I'm only half way through the first run of rewrites.

It's gonna be intense, way darker than the first.

R.E. Freak,

  I am going to read your script pretty soon.  As soon as I finish the others.  I can't wait to read this one and your second one, even if it is your first draft.  Let us know when you are finished.  If you have time, would you like to read my zombie script?  It is titled, The Dead of Night.  Just want some honest reviews.  And I think this web site is the best for reviews.  Thanks R.E.

Arturo -- Enigmawriter

Damn. You're making a sequel. Everything has to have a sequel nowadays. The Matrix (dud sequels with Reloaded and Revolutions),  even PlayStation has a sequel. But if you wanna make a sequel, it's your choice. Personally, I hate sequels unless they're about ten times better than the original, which I hope "Journey To Death II" will be.

Do you have an alternate title or is it just JTD2?

I am still reading Journey to Death.  So far I like it.  I like the opening with those small flashbacks.  It kinda reminded me of my first draft of Dead of Night.  I used an opening where the main character steps out of an eletronics store with a tape recorder just having recorded something into it.  We hear what he said with static and then, SMASH, it breaks apart when the main character steps on it.  That was kind of weird when I read it.  

The camera descriptions do annoy me at times.  I want to visualize it myself.  It is just distracting to me.  You are going to direct this right?  Then I understand why you wrote them in.

The arrival to town in the car with the three people is very cool.  Having alrady encountered the dead, Fenton is already injured.  And it's cool that you don't show how he got injured, he just got injured by him telling us how.

I like how you describe your scenes and your zombies.  Very imaginative.

I'll read some more tonight.  Sorry, I am just filled with other work.  But I will get to it though.

Arturo -- Enigmawriter

Well, I finished your script, it is pretty good.  Yeah, there was a lot of camera descriptions, but it kind of helped me to visualize what your were seeing.  The ending was kind of strange but it was cool.  Coming up with an ending for a zombie movie is somewhat hard to be original.  Your writing was realistic too, in situations like that, it seems real to me.You did a great job with your script.  Will you be making this into a movie?  Or shopping it around?  

Enigmawriter

I've entered it into a contest. If that goes good (hopefully) then I'll be making it. If it doesn't do well, I'll still make it, just not for a while.

Hope everything goes well.

ENigma