Hey everyone!

I am looking for more feedback on this screenplay if anyone is interested.  

Thanks!

I read a few pages. Your dialogue is crisp and natural.

Your descriptions/actions are over written and passive and read more like a novel than a script. First page:

Quoted Text A joyful LITTLE GIRL, no more than six years old, lies happily on the carpeted floor, a box of crayons and a few coloring books spread clumsily in front of her.

Don't tell us she is "joyful" - that is unfilmable. Maybe she is smiling? Don;t need to say no more than six - just say six. Something like:

A LITTLE GIRL (6) lies on a carpeted floor, coloring. A box of crayons and a few
coloring books are spread in front of her.

Quoted Text Sitting in a recliner in the corner of the room is a shy, meek looking BABYSITTER, her face buried in a novel, oblivious the the little girls existence.

This should be:

"A BABYSITTER sits in the corner of the room with her face buried in a book."

Look for instances where you have "is" and "ings" and change them. For example:

Dave is writing....

Should be:

Dave writes.

Quoted Text Suddenly, the front door of the home BURSTS open. The little girl jumps in surprise, but immediately relaxes.

Again - you are over writing for a script (vs. a novel). If the door bursts open - we know it's sudden. Just write - the door bursts open.

Quoted Text An undeniably pretty OLDER GIRL, seventeen years old, enters the room. Her arms are clenched around the waist of a HANDSOME BOY her same age.

What is "undeniably pretty"??? IS it different than pretty?

Try:

An OLDER GIRL (17), pretty, enters the room...

Quoted Text The older girl is giggling as her boyfriend tickles and teases her waist

Again - nuke the ing words (i.e.,is giggling). Try:

The older girl giggles......

I know this is a leap based on just a few pages - but I think you have writing chops/talent. It's just that the descriptive/action passages are written as if they were from a novel. There is a lot you can cut out.

Best of luck - hope this helps.

PS - is there a reason you are not giving your character names up front? i.e., I assume that LITTLE GIRL and YOUNG GIRL etc are going to be in the rest of the script. Why not give them names now. It'll make it an easier read.

Thanks for taking the time to provide this feedback.  It is definitely helpful, as I want to tighten up the writing as much as possible.  

(Oh, and yes, there is a reason names are not given up front, though you'd have to read the entire script to discover why.      )

Quoted from TroyinTX Thanks for taking the time to provide this feedback.  It is definitely helpful, as I want to tighten up the writing as much as possible.   (Oh, and yes, there is a reason names are not given up front, though you'd have to read the entire script to discover why.      )

You are welcome - best of luck