Dawn of Evil 2 - City of Hell by Matthew Ruby - Horror - Picking up where we left off in Dawn of Evil, Amy Winters finds herself in the hospital due to a collusion with her getaway plane the night before. She warns the doctor about the girl on the plane who was infected by the deadly virus, but he didn't listen. The zombies come and attack the hospital she was in, leaving her all alone and on the run from the zombies again. She makes it to the Ramada Inn, a hotel, where she finds more survivors of the incident. Now these strangers must come together and try to survive what might turn out to be the last night over their lives. - doc, format

It's here...so is Rules of the Game. Hope you guys check them out.

I'm reading it as we speak... but it's 6 something here in the morning, I got in about an hour ago and am dead on my feet tired... Hey, I'm a ZOMBIE

No, but seriously... So far, and this is just so far, it sounds to me like Resident Evil 1 1/2 or something... the dialogue and the two girls and just... it screams R.E. and Dawn remake with the hospital scene and all.  I dunno, we'll see, it could turn out to be better... Let's hope and pray, right?

I like your dialogue, actually.  It's pretty tight and edgy enough.  You've got some cheese ball stuff --

"You're infected. The virus is running thru your blood as we speak"  << That's ultra lame >>

"They haven't taken over this town"  << doesn't sound right. What are they the N.W.O. >>

Just a few lines, thus far, that really stand out as moments of pure redundancy.  It's not that it's all bad, it's just that most of it has already been said in every other Zombie movie before.  That's why it's harder than most think to write one, cause they've all been done.  You can't throw nothing new into a Zombie movie, that hasn't been done before, really.

THE STUFF... could, by and large be calculated as a ZOMBIE movie, even... Now you know what level playing field we play on, LOL~

I'll be back with more after I sleep and read some more... trust me.  

Again, so far... I do like your dialogue and your writing is much like mine, structure alone, not the way you write mind you... So I find it easy to read.  However, you add a lot of stuff that we don't need to know in there... like --

"He was a doctor" and "She looks at her as if she was crazy or something" "He has changed into the undead"  

Just too much information kinda stuff, nothing major really.  

BALTIS~

Good thoughts~

The Stuff! Yay!

Ok, so I'm back...

again... you have way too many instances where you throw out too much information that we, the audience, doesnt' even know.  

"She can tell his face has been half eaten by a zombie"

We don't know that for sure... it could've been eaten by a rat... most likely a zombie, but I see you wasting a lot of precious space with stuff like this.  SHORT & SIMPLE.  Little lines of quick information, fast clips of mental pics. That's the rule I use to write with.

ok on with the on ~

Again, we don't know that the zombie is the one that attacked Mr. STIEN.  We have an idea, as readers, but as viewers... no!  Cut that stuff out~

I can see you are very very influenced by RESIDENT EVIL "the movies & the games" and DAWN REMAKE... it's almost boarder line theft here, LOL

The freezing of prisoners was an absurd idea... LMFAO, yeah, lets freeze the harden criminals of the world and city and let them sleep thru their sentence... Yeah, I'd buy that for a dollar. << couldn't resist the robo cop pun >>

AMY talks to herself a lot... maybe too much for the hectic situation.  BRENT COLLINS, the lead from my story "THE TOLL" talks to himself a lot too, however, in it it was needed and there for driving the story forward.  Here you have it just to have dialouge it seems... it doesn't serve no real purpose to the story. Maybe tame this part down a bit.

Question... What the hell does this mean -- "Then all of a sudden a car that had been parked blew up out of the nowhere." ??

I seen a trend when she met up with Simon, Lydia and the others... the movie started getting really click click and basic... even more so than it already was.  Your dialogue here also started becoming very run of the mill and practiced too.

For instances -->  Zombies don't run, they're dead.  

I mean, please... This movie is screaming DAWN REMAKE 05 or RESIDENT EVIL 3... it is.

You talk about their descriptions in past tense, why?  HE WAS BUILT -- HE WORE A T-SHIRT --
Well, BALTIS wanted to know why you did it like this?

I don't like the lines  -- SHE NEEDED HELP, SO WE HELPED HER & SO TELL ME WHY YOU THINK THESE ARE ZOMBIES?  Um... AS A FRIEND WOULD SAY -- She was reffering to so and so --> NO! I don't like that bit at all.

So are they zombies or are they demons?  Cause DEMONS infect thru scatch and bite, Zombies infect thru bite only... well, so the rule of thumb goes.  Here you have it both ways... you are one of the ones who are doing away with ZOMBIE & DEMON all together and just making them one in the same.  It's not a good thing to do.

How old is AMY?  She sounds a little too hard edged to be a teen, I hope she's not.  Cause I don't know any teen girls who go around kicking, shooting guns and breaking necks. See, see what hollywood does to people like you?  It makes you believe in fantasy worlds and reality that isn't reality.  

I laughed until I almost cried when I read this ultra cheese ball scene -- hold on here it comes, lemme find it...

-----------------
JOHN comes walking out of the bathroom.

    JOHN
You seem to know a lot about those things out there.

    AMY
I lived through it all once. Here I go again.

    JOHN
Let me ask you something. Maybe you can answer this.

    AMY
What?

JOHN sits down next to her.

    JOHN
How did they end up like this? How did they become the “walking dead?”

    AMY
It’s the government’s fault. They had this operation going on for years and nobody knew.

    JOHN
What exactly are we talking about here? Operation?


WOW! THAT IS SOME CHEESBALL SHIT RIGHT THERE... WOW!
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You seem to borrow too much from other movies... The gas pump and station idea with the key -- The whole plan thing sounded like it came from Shaun of the dead -- I dunno, nothing in this is original to me.  Nothing in this screams, hey you're doing something new, different and exciting... YA KNOW?  

Wait a second here... you want me to buy into the fact that her father ran a GAS STATION, yet has a plane...?  LMFAOOTFFAWS!!!!  Ok, whatever man... It sounds to me you just pulled this one out of your ass for something else to say, that's what it sounds like to me... plot and gap filler.  You knew the boat was used... in DAWN REMAKE "the movie you're stealing and ripping off from" so you went it to the extreme and made it a jet... LOL

The SIMON AND LYDIA fight was a direct take from Shaun of the dead... it was.  It was so peculiar almost in it that it played out just like the fight between the two friends at the end.

What's with this snapping of the neck stuff? It's strange... really and kinda gets anoying after awhile... it does.

Simon being infected was too sudden and too random. IT was like... "He's been bitten, is he infected?"  -- "Yeah, lets go, we'll deal with it later"  It comes off way way wrong.

You always have some random event come up that goes against the logic in your movie... always.  The plane, the pump key and now the doors being locked... but the back door is always unlocked.  C'mon, it's too random for me.  It just isn't sold very well.


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It's late and I've got some writing of my own to finish up.  For now I'll leave you with a summary of what I've read and get back with you when I finish it up tomorrow at work.


~ I like your style. You write really well and leave little to the imagination, that's all really great! However, you do too many things within a scene that either, drags it out or leaves you scratching your head.  



Things you do wrong --
----------------------
I think you add too many words into your sentences you don't need.
I think you give us too much information, as an audience we could never see.
I think you take too much from too many other movies and try and pass them off as your own.
I think you don't clearly think out a scene before you write it.
I think you have too much to say and try to fit it all into one movie.
I think your dialogue is too practiced. It moves like a robot and talks like a lizard, if you no what I mean?


Things you do right --
----------------------
I think you know your characters well. They are very consistant within who they are.
I think you have good plot pacing. It all flows together really well and seems like a movie and not just a series of random scenes and events thrown together with the same characters.

I think, although most have been done, your scenes are very action packed and pulled off pretty damn good. I'd go see this movie, I would and I'm not even finished with it yet.

So by and large what I'm trying to say to you is this... You write good and you've got good flow within your screenplays.  I think a shift from zombies to somthing else would be a better screenplay to tackle next time out.  I really do.  Maybe try your hand at a killer or an alien take over or something.  

I'm not done with the screenplay and these are my early foresights to you.  I will be back with the rest and final thoughts of the screenplay when I'm done.

Good thoughts

BALTIS

I never even seen Shaun of the Dead. lol...Amy is in her 20's. She's not a teen. I do agree with in the case that I have to much to say and I do tend to try and throw it all into one script or scene. I wanted the death scenes to be much more grotesque or whatever then just having them all die by zombies. I know it might sound like RE, but when she goes to the hospital they're not injecting her with all that bullcrap to make her superior or something. They simply want to erase her memory for cover-up. That's what made Resident Evil a bad movie. The entire scenario about having Alice half man and half I don't even know. That was kind of pointless.

I liked how you made Amy's character a little more independment, and comanding. But since you have ended like you did, are there any plans for a Dawn Of Evil 3?

Not for me. I left it open like that just for the suspense, but if you want to do something with a Part 3 then be my guest.

Nevermind. I think I am going to do a part 3, but it's probably going to be the craziest idea you ever heard for a zombie flick, so I'll leave it to your imagination to wonder what it's about.