Hey, I read Wrath Of God, and I liked it. I thought it was good. There's a mistake on  p. 24 where you put Mary's name for Athman's dialogue, and 2 more mistakes on p. 40 and another mistake near the end, I forget which page though. The things I would change about it though personally, is having a little more time to get to know Tim and his family before he's thrown into all this, just to get more of a feel for his character. Because everything just seemed to happen so fast from him being in church to being grabed from his house. I think there should be more dialogue in between.  And also, I feel that it would be a lot better if Athman had another dream sequence before just the one where he hears whispering and goes out to the axe. Because before then, he always says that they're getting worse, but he can't remember them, but to me that doesn't make much sense. Because how could he judge if they're getting worse when he doesn't remember them. Or, if you don't want to do that, you could also have Mary ask him like what's wrong after his whisper dream, and have him say he doesn't remember, like he just doesn't want to tell her that he's having suchdreams, which would make his other claims at not remembering his dreams seem more significant, like he just didn't want to tell her, you know? But all and all, I'd give it 2 1/2 stars out of four. I also especially liked how you described him being in the door knob, and then touching it with his bloody hand, I thoght that was cool. And I must also commend you for killing little kids, because that is usually an untouched area in hoolywood even though it does happen in real life. I also enjoy your style, whichis very close to my own in fact, and you're story in very distinct. However, just out of curiosity, did you happen to be influenced by The Shining at all while writing this story? Not that it's the exact same story, because it's not, they each have their own personality's, it's just that they touch on many similar themes.

Thanks for you comments, sryknows.  Lots of interesting things you pointed out, which could use some work.  I always appreciate feedback, both pro and con.

As for influences, it's an idea I had from way back when I first got into screenwriting about four years ago.  They say, "Write what you know"; my dad's a pentecostal reverend for some thirty years so I grew up with it (you know, "spare the rod, spoil the child") but so as not to turn this conversation into a discussion on religion, let's just say it didn't rub off but I'm not completely faithless, either.

So, I just fused some broad questions about religion and God's role in one's life with my favorite genre, horror, of which I've been a life-long fan.

Thanks again for your comments.  They're very much appreciated.

Alright, thanks Lon. And good luck with all future endeavors
- Steven R. Scheer

Is this the most current version of Wrath?
I'd like to take a look at it.
Gathering a few scripts to read as we head into June.

Horror is my genre of choice, too.

It's pretty close to the final draft.  Some spelling mistakes and what-not were noted my some folks kind enough to PM me here, and they've been fixed.  One or two minor scenes have been added, though, so if you PM me your email address I'll email it to you.

Lon,

I want to post this review on Wrath before I leave for vacation.

Wrath is a solid, beautifully-written  piece of work.  It feels tight and that you’ve given the story much thought.  It goes without saying, that you understand craft, format and dialogue quite well.  But accolades aside, I think there is room for improvement.

So, I will address areas that I perceive as problematic -- for me.  I’ll also throw in random thoughts as they come.

On P. 1, I think you meant Christmas wreaths insteads of reefs. **  Okay, Spoilers abound from this point.

I enjoyed the setup of the Christmas atmosphere contrasted by the gruesome annihilation of a family.  You handled the children’s murders  with style and taste.  Bravo.

P 2,  when Athman walks into the police station, have the Cop 1 react first by going for his gun. This happens simultaneous with the other cops spinning their gaze and reaching for their weapons.  I can see this being a great slo-mo scene.

P 3,  maybe Tim can walk Out of the service at the most inopportune moment.  He needs air.  He's got to get out of the church.  This would be more visual and say very succinctly how he feels about religion – and that he doesn’t care to what others think about him.  He’s an independent thinker.

Sarah holds her tongue for now… but gives Tim “that look.”

P 4,  There are several scenes I think you can milk.  The Christmas scene is one.  Religion or one’s lack of belief drives this story, so use the Christmas present-opening sequence to deal with this issue.  Example:  Tim might do the whole Santa bit by donning a cap and distributing gifts.  But he can’t put his faith in Chrisitanity -- Commercial vs. Religious.  Then Ricky puts down Santa, while Janie believes.  See the parallel?  This could be the segue that sets Sarah off on Tim.  First she dismissed the kids to play with their toys, then she chastising Tim for walking out of church.

On a slightly different tangent with this scene, maybe Tim and Sarah could open some gifts, too.  I’d like to see Tim a gift from Janie.  His response could be endearing.  This would help us see what a nice dad he is.

After breakfast, there is another scene with Tim and Sarah washing dishes.  Why does Sarah dismiss the kids back to their toys.  It should be, “who’s going to wash and which three are going to dry?”  Maybe we dispense with the asking and just show the assembly line of family members washing and drying dishes.

Something to Note:  We have parallel stories here.  Tim’s family and Athman’s family.  Identical in some ways.  You can’t do justice to both in character/story development.  But you can use one family to represent both families.

Have you considered focusing on Athman’s family?  Afterall, it's his story that comprises the film.  Maybe we should see him on Christmas.  Maybe we should get to know more about his lack of belief, his rejection of religion.
Just a thought.

Somewhere around P 7 --  Ever give thought to Tim being a police psychologist?  This would explain how the affair with Alex happened.  And open other doors, so to speak.
Although a police psych might spend more time evaluating the psyche of officers and such, I guess it wouldn't be unheard of to evaluate a crime suspect -- esp. on Christmas and after sundown.

There are different avenues into this story and of course, you chose one of those avenues.

So, I’ll present another, which you may have already rejected.  But I’d be remiss not to mention it here.

What if Athman is a man of few words?  What if he has waived his rights to an attorney, and we know this, but he is willing to talk.  At this hour and on Christmas, the only accessible shrink is the police psych., Tim.  And maybe Athman knows this.  Create more mystery to Athman.  As is, he’s a bit too forthcoming for my taste.  Too “on the nose” with his actions.  This is okay if there is a grand payoff.  But I think this guy should be a real puzzle.

Here's a wild thought.  What if one of Athman's children is missing?  And Tim needs to break Athman down so the police can find this kid?  That would ratchet the tension.  And Athman plays this game with Tim.  He asks Tim if he were in Athman's shoes and he killed his daughter, where would he put the body?
Tim comes up with some wild answer.
Later, that answer is really tim's confession.  It's where he put Janie's dead body.  But I digress...

Anyway, back to what I was saying...
One problem I have with Athman asking to talk to Tim is that he’s suddenly kind of blahse.  A guy spilling his guts.  We’ve seen this before and it's good when it works, such as in “Frailty.”  The McConaughey character recants a story that is a mystery to us.  We don’t know what happened.  In Wrath, we know the outcome pretty much.  We know about the murders.  We saw the bodies.  Athman even tells us that upfront that he did it.  So Athman's story lacks some drama out of the chute; not to mention that his story of going from a non-believer to a believer, is in itself somewhat mundane.

It might have been more fun if Athman said he didn’t kill his family.  And if we follow his story, he will reveal who or what was responsible for the heinous crime.  What do you think?

Another area to reconsider is Athman’s character in flashbacks.  We meet him and within two scenes he is already undergoing changes.  So we never get comfortable with him as a good father.  He’s haunted almost from the get-go.

Backtracking a bit.
If dialogue is the exchange of power or control, Use It to Your Advantage.  As is, Athman controls the confession.  He’s as sharp or sharper than Tim.  Hmm…  In fact, Tim is nothing more than a student.  A guy asking questions you or I could ask.

Consider this:  Tim walks into the room and he’s supremely confident that he can dissect Athman like a bug.  Afterall, Tim is a trained psychologist.   Going back to what I said about making Athman quiet, a man of few words.  It looks like a slam dunk.  Tim should be able to break down this troubled soul… it would be a challenge in some respect.  But not so fast.  Once the confession gets going, there is a shift in power.  Athman is seizing control.  Tim, without knowing it, is relinquishing power.  And so the cat-and-mouse game is in full swing.
By story’s end, Tim regains control… so he/we think.

Let’s say the story plays out as you’ve written it.  As I reached final pages and Tim has figured out Athman’s game, so to speak, he exposes the man.  Reveals what he believes is Athman's attempt to pull the wool over his eyes.  (Note:  I didn't quite get this scene.  It didn't seem obvious to me that there is a flaw in Athman's story.)

Later, it seems Tim's non-belief catches up with him and his fate is sealed.

Lon, I’m a little disappointed you didn’t go for the throat on the ending.  The cryptic note: W R ATHMAN, WRATHMAN, which leads us to...

                                                TIM (V.O.)
                                      What if I don’t believe?
                                                ATHMAN (V.O.)
                                      Then your family will die...

Now Shoot us back to the story's opening scene.  
Wife dead, Son dead.  That little girl hiding and crying in her bedroom, as the door opens.  Why that little girl isn’t Jessica. It’s Janie.  And there’s daddy Tim, with an axe.

                              ”And it will be you who kills them.” (VO)

The Christmas Day massacre, that should be Tim executing his family.  Everything comes full circle.

Back to the review.  I’m not sure I get how Athman knows it's God that is controlling him.  To discover and accept God, wouldn’t one also acknowledge Satan?  Wouldn’t he wonder if the devil came to him posing as God??

I know that Tim had that nightmare at the end, but did he have any weird dreams earlier?  I don’t recall reading any such occurrence.  If not, you should have a scene where he has a nightmare early on, so that we later see the parallels between Tim’s experiences and Athman’s story.

Tim had an affair and therefore, you could say he sinned.
Athman was the victim of infidelity, perceived or real.  How do these two situation connect?  Am I missing something?

P 77  Need a ? to Tim’s “how could he have done this”

P 74  Mary gallantly “crawls” excruciatingly forward -- need an l in crawls.

P 74  I’m unsure about this sequence.  Athman brings down the axe to Mary’s back and she’s still standing?  Then he pulls the axe from her back before she falls??  I’d think that getting whacked in the back would put you down.  She should definitely be face-first down when he removes the axe from her back.

P 58   Mary answers the phone with “Harry” ?  yikes.  Would she be so careless?  Why not ask if it's Bill?

P 57       Athman in a hotel room with a dozen bottles of booze. He doesn’t need to say what’s coming next.

P 13  Maybe Tim’s family should go to a hotel, or to her mother’s (haha) place.  How do they know he didn’t put a bomb some place?

Well, I'll wrap this up.  This story could sell with some changes.  Maybe Athman should not be a believer in God.  Maybe he was too late to believe.  That's why his family is dead.  If so, he should blame God.  He shouldn't accept blame.  I think for him to confess to murder kills the edginess to his story.  If I thought somebody or something else killed his family, despite all the evidence pointing to Athman, the story would be riveting.  We'd have to stay with it to find out the killer's ID.

And so the story would be about a messenger who delivers a vision to Tim.  Of course, the messenger -- the bearer of bad news -- is killed.  Haha.

Keep that interview tight and edgy.  Let the two men seize and relinquish power.  The shift will do wonders for your story.  I would prefer to see Athman as a victim.  Who grows desperate.   I mean for all anybody knows, Wrathman could be God.  Remember the Howling Man in the old Twilight Zone episode?  The old man is really the devil.  And the visitor to the monestary, who sets the devil free spends the rest of his life trying to re-imprison and contain the evil.
I mention that TZ episode because the traveler fails to heed the warnings of the monks.  Who could believe such an amazing story, right?
Same here.  Who would believe a man who can't prove that God murdered his family?

Keep writing and I hope I've sparked a few "what ifs...?"

Most definitely, Abe, and thanks so much for such an in-depth dissertation.

In the last few weeks I've been neck-deep in a rewrite for a script I sold and, feeling I was getting burned out by spending so much time on the rewrite, I put it aside and took another look at Wrath.  And you're absolutely right; there's so much room for improvement here that it's not even funny.

I think when someone's writing something based on their own belief system they tend to not be able to step back from it and take a really analytical view of it.  The story, which is based on a character who grew up under the thumb of a strict Pentecostal reverend is basically my story.  Needless to say, as judging from this script, the blind faith in a greater power didn't exactly rub off favorably on me from my very strict father who is a Pentecostal reverend (don't worry, that's the only thing in this scirpt based on my own past -- I assure you, I've never killed anyone.  At least, no one who didn't have it coming   ).

At any rate, it's detailed observations such as yours that really help.  As I was reading your replies, they mirrored a lot of things I noticed myself when I pulled the script back out to take a removed look at it.  There are quite a few holes, many missed opportunities and though I did want the family lives of Tim and Athman to mirror one another, I don't think I did that well enough.

Thanks again for your replies, Abe, and thanks for the earlier compliments on the format and dialogue.

Enjoy your vacation!

- Lon

Although I didn't think this story quite worked, Lon, I will say it was a pleasure to read.
My biggest obstacle was carving out a block of time without interruptions.

Anyway, as with all good writers, you have a certain command.
I felt like I was in capable hands.  No matter the journey.
The writing is there...
Find the right story chord and Wrath will sing.
BTW, I caught a glimpse of Silk before you sold it.  I was impressed with your style.
Looking forward to Tainted Bridges.

Abe

Glad to hear you enjoyed The Silk, as well!

Tainted Badges is somewhat of an experiment for me in that I'm trying a different style with it.  It's very terse, clipped and immediate.  I'm very much looking forward to finishing it and posting it for comments, as well.

Thanks again, Abe!

- Lon

Hey Lon. Just finished reading Wrath of God and I really enjoyed it. Thought it flowed really well. I never once got annoyed with the fact that I was reading something (which is saying a lot when it comes from someone with ADD   ).

If you're interested, I am looking for someone to write a feature that I will produce under my production company, as well as direct. I have some story notes and a few things I'd like to see in it, but other than that it would be your ballgame. Let me know if you're interested by dropping me an email at thill (a) stlpixurs.com.

Thanks Lon and again, great job on Wrath of God!

Travis Hill
STL Pixurs

Thanks for the kinds words, Travis, glad you enjoyed the script.  I'll check out your site and take it from there.

- Lon

page 24...

ATHMAN
You’re insulted? What about me?
You’ve had your eye on Harry the
entire night.

Mary stares at him for a moment, offended. She SCOFFS, goes
for the door.

MARY - (ATHMAN here)
That’s right, Mary, just walk away
and ignore the issue.
(under his breath)
Just like you always do.

I didn't really get into the script in the first couple of pages, but once Tim gets to the interview i was really drawn to it, gonna keep reading it later.

And good luck.

edit: oh just noticed this thread has over one page and that this error's been spotted, my bad. anyway i'll leave it here so you don't forget it heheh...

I HATE ATHMAN and I hope Tim didn't kill his family in the end.  My God, this story is really scary.  I was wondering why it was placed under horror until towards the end.

That was a good story in a scary kind of way.  Good job.  I got really into it.  I don't know what to say.  Excellent.

In terms of constructive criticism your ending needs a lot of work.  You single handedly managed to take a brilliant first class suspense thriller to a third rate amateur horror indulgence.  

By the end of the story I did not see how God was incorporated into the plot.  I think you tried to attach the whole God thing on for the sole purpose of dramatic effect which became very evident in the end.  It came across as very tacky.

I mean, Athman and Tim are both agnostics so you will have to show me the stages or events that led Athman and Tim to change from non believers to believers in God.  

This is the best incorporation of emotional impact I have seen in a script in a long time though.

I, however, felt VERY cheated in the end, haha.  

Okay, here is how I think this story could be salvaged.

First of all, I had no problem with the concept of God being in the plot but it soon started to take over the plot.  Maybe if you toned it down a bit and left hints here and there.  This was where I thought you were headed with the whisperings and such.  Excellent.  It was hinted at but not shoved in our faces.  

Like, what I think would have worked was is if Athman had NOT mentioned God AT ALL.  Then we would more likely believe it was an act of God.  

Athman could have been the catalyst to make Time change from a nonbeliever to a believer in God.  

Tim should have been the one who recognized that God was speaking to Athman.  Leave Athman totally in the dark about God.  

To the reader it was clearly premeditation on Athman's part but what if Tim gave an interpretation to the reader that it was something more?

How long had these whisperings been going on?  From Athman was a child?  Maybe he closed his ear to God and as a result God tormented him?  

Did God torment Athman?  Was Athman the real victim here?  

Maybe God told Athman his wife was cheating on him?  God told him to kill his family?  God told him about Tim in a vision (because he never met him in his life did he?)?

Maybe God told him to drink again?  But don't let Athman mention God.

You were already successful in showing Athman as a tormented individual.  You now need to show that tormentor was God and that Athman probably was not acting in his own mind but some supernatural force had taken over.  Maybe it's more evil supernatural forces?  Maybe Athman's rejection of God caused Satan to take over?

Whatever, but leave Athman as the unbeliever and as the catalyst to change Tim from a non believer to a believer.