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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  Misfortune Moderators: bert
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  Author    Misfortune  (currently 5311 views)
George Willson
Posted: May 9th, 2005, 2:20am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Doctor who? Yes, quite right.

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Hey, I'm just glad someone is finally reading it. And on the cornfield, I knew it was one or the other and guessed wrong. And yeah, I didn't remember that particular line. Well done.

Sometimes, it take someone who has no idea what's going on to catch lines that maybe shouldn't have been cut. The first thing I ever presented to anyone else was a musical to a local community theatre. I knew the concept and execution were good except for one problem: I was dealing with a fictional topic and had no backstory to explain why these people were doing these things. They said the music was good, but it didn't make any sense. Several years later, I pulled it out and re-read it...you know what? They were right! What a mess! How much backstory did I come up with for that one story? Two prequels. Oh well...

Look forward to what you might have to say on my little horror flick.


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Ian
Posted: May 15th, 2005, 7:49pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Oney,

I'm sorry this has taken me so long. I wanted to give you a page by page nit picking review, but it was going to be too time consuming (I have to revise for exams now! UGH! lol). Anyway, it seems George has done that! If you do a re-write based on what you've already been told, I will do a page by page nit picking review of the re-write lol. But of course I will give you a review now, it just won't be as "in depth" as I'd hoped. On with the review!

SPOILERS***

CONCEPT -
Great. This is totally different to anything else you've written. At heart it’s a slasher (but we all love those lol), but only during the third act, and your set of characters is different because of the adults, who aren't just in a few scenes, but are the main characters. I didn't feel like I'd seen/read this idea a thousand times over. Well done!

PLOT -
I can't believe you said you thought your revelation was predictable! First you have your main suspect in the form of Leigh. Ridiculously naive readers will believe he is the killer, but those with half a brain know you're going to throw in a twist where the killer is revealed to be someone else (I guess if the killer HAD been Leigh, that WOULD have been a surprise! But a disappointing one lol). Now, I don't know if you realised this, but do you know who we (I'm assuming others thought the same) think the killer is? Not Leigh, he's too obvious. It's Murray. It's got to be right? He's NOT the person you lead us to think is the killer, but we know the person you're hinting at ISN'T going to be the killer, and Murray has a pure motive (or so we think from what we're first told). We think we're being clever by knowing Leigh isn't the killer and looking past that idea, and we sit there smugly thinking we've figured everything out. But you know we're gonna think this, so you give us with the REAL surprise, and provide us with the third possibility we hadn't even thought about! Well, in actuality, I'd be lying if I said I hadn't considered this idea, but that's because I'm very familiar with this stuff and I suspect everyone! But I dismissed it early on when I realised that it couldn't be them, because they were at the hotel. How wrong I was. Not only is that revelation quite a surprise, but how it all fits together is a wonderful twist too! This script had several and they all worked brilliantly. Your plot is clever, it really is. It's not rocket science obviously, but it's head and shoulders above most "twists" I've seen in slasher scripts, and that includes your previous ones. This is the best plot you've come up with, and certainly the most intelligent. When you said the killer was obvious, you were wrong. Leigh is the OVERLY obvious answer, so Murray is the REAL obvious one. It was neither. Even the regular plot points were good. Kayla's past attack was a great way to increase tension as it was. Then there was a twist about how and why THAT happened too! This is good stuff. You're on to a winner here.

STORY -
By story, I mean the events that unfold within your plot template. Everything was going great, but it seemed liked you lost your way towards the end. The action got confusing. I didn't really like the deaths either. Ben's was cool but a little to reminiscent of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Tatum's was brilliant, but more description would be cool as I imagine that the effects of gravity would make an upside down decapitation VERY messy lol. The others weren’t very memorable though, and Scott's got a bit silly. Why was he hung, only to be axed in the stomach? I won't go into any more detail because George already did that. You need to neaten this up, and like others have said, you need to use Leigh! I think you also need to find a way to mask your killers. Your twists are so good that it's criminal for them to be wasted by being revealed so early. Maybe if they told Leigh to wear a certain outfit (to scare the c*ap out of Kayla and her family), they could then wear the exact same thing and pretend to be Leigh. But when Kayla discovers that Leigh is in fact dead, she realises that someone else is after her, and then it turns out to be TWO people! The twist about Samantha was good and unexpected, but it needed to be hinted at a little more, and SHE needed to come up in the story much earlier than she did. I also didn't like your ending. I personally think that Murray should arrive just in time to save Kayla, especially as he needs to get revenge for them exploiting his son. I don’t know how he figures it out, but he should as it felt unresolved.

STRUCTURE -
Your story was slow burning and suspense building for the most part, but it did get a bit dull on occasion because not much happened in the first 2/3 of the script. I think you should cut down the first two acts. It's too long. 112 pages I believe? And it would be more if it was in the correct font (I think it's in 11 when technically it should be in 12). 100 pages would be much more fitting I think. Your structure should be something like 1 - 20 of set up, 21 - 60 of building suspense up to the third act where all the murder and mayhem takes place, which should run from 61 - 100 (the end). You see how if you were to follow this, your killers would be revealed on something like page 70. That seems too early now doesn't it (in yours it's something like page 85 because it's 112 pages long). That's why I think they need to remain hidden until the last 10 pages or something.

CHARACTER -
Your characters were a little indistinguishable. Kayla and Tatum were quite similar, Kayla and Josh were actually too similar (she acts like she's above him but she resorts to his typical way of talking - "it's gay huh" etc), and Josh and Scott? They were EXACTLY the same. Plus, it seems like when you wrote them you just had "stoners" in mind as their character. Tatum was my favourite at first, but near the end she was annoying and idiotic. I started to not care about whether she lived or died. Here's what I think you should be going for:
BEN - Loving father, but somewhat shady. Make him more tightly wound, with Grace being the calm, collected one. Her upbeat attitude starts to annoy him when he starts to stress about Leigh, which creates tension in their relationship.
GRACE - Loving mother, NOT shady. Even SHE doesn't know some of Ben's secrets. I think she should have a sharp tongue and quick wit, almost a cool mom type. She's confident and happy in her perfect relationship, but becomes paranoid as it becomes apparent that things aren't as perfect as they first seemed.
KAYLA - She has quick wit like her mom and is a bit of a smart ass (don't lower her intelligence with Josh-esque phrases and profanities). She lords her higher intelligence over her dim-witted brother (I'm sorry, I don't buy him being in college) and out does him with her comebacks every time they have a bitching session.
JOSH - I think he'd come off well as slobbish layabout with a heart lol. He does nothing but get high and bug his sister, but deep down he's proud of her for being the smart, academic one, and is very over-protective of her.
TATUM - Cool and sexy valley girl type who's all about boys and shopping, which makes Skyler's farm her worst nightmare, even BEFORE the murders begin lol. She's a bit superficial, but she and Kayla are best friends and she cares deeply about her. She uses her assets to her advantage, and is able to tease guys (Josh in particular) because of her looks, and is also able to scathe them with insults straight out of a teen drama series (think Summer in The O.C. lol)
SCOTT - Not as dumb as well all think. He's actually in college but dumbs himself down so as not to seem superior to Josh, as they have been best friends since they were kids, and he can tell that they are going in different directions in life. He gets stoned with Josh, but reluctantly. That isn't him anymore, he's grown up, and it's putting a strain on their friendship. Perhaps develop a slight love interest with Kayla which I thought I saw blossoming but it never really went anywhere. He identifies with her much more than Josh but has to pretend to see her as Josh's annoying little sister to keep Josh happy. The truth comes out later lol.
If you like these ideas (or you have come up with some of your own), keep them at the front of your mind the whole way through, and make them very definite and defined. Don't slouch, don't give leeway, don't make exceptions. Keep the characters distinguished and consistent. Give each one an arch that they go through. Each has its own outcome before they are sadly killed. We will care SO much more.

DIALOGUE -
Probably the best you've done so far. It sometimes felt inconsistent, with people repeating similar lines and characters saying things that I didn't think they'd say, but I think this is a result of under developed characters. Dialogue isn't that hard to write if you KNOW your characters. It always has to be realistic, but realistic in what terms? That answer is, in terms of the character that's saying it. Work out exactly who each character really is and what relationship they have with all the others and the dialogue will come very naturally.

Overall, I was impressed. This is your best script so far and it's a great achievement. I was a bit let down by your messy action and death scenes, and the uneven structure, but don't worry. That stuff is EASY to sort out. You know what's hard to get? An interesting concept, and an inventive, unpredictable twist filled plot. You've got that, and you should be very proud. Just work on the easy stuff, as it seemed like you rushed it a bit.

I hope I was of some help. Well done once again!

Ian


"Are you saying I'm crazy!?"
"Oh no, but I'm certainly thinking it loudly"
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Oney.Mendoza
Posted: May 15th, 2005, 10:56pm Report to Moderator
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Thank God! You liked it! Wow, remember how I was beginning to say I hated it!? I really didn't expect people to like it. It is messy because I've cut SO many scenes out. I do need to write in 12 pt font, but I just feel uncomfortable with it. My next script I will though.

I like your suggestions, especially about the characters. Remember in an email I did mention that the characters were very similar to each other? BIG MISTAKE...I should've fixed it. Well, thanks for your review and good luck with HIDEOUT and your exams.

-ONEY


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Oney.Mendoza
Posted: June 13th, 2005, 11:09pm Report to Moderator
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To everyone,

           Does anyone else have any other suggestions in what I should add/change/delete from this version? I plan on rewriting it in the near future and need any suggestions to help me move the script in a better direction.

         Thanks,

         -ONEY


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bert
Posted: June 14th, 2005, 9:46am Report to Moderator
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Hey, it's been a while since I read this, so I forget the names.  But I do remember that you absolutely need to add a scene where the main chick interacts with that mechanic's son.  Leigh, right?  There is lots of potential for some good violence there (if that's want you want) and a high creep factor.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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Ian
Posted: July 14th, 2005, 10:54am Report to Moderator
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This sounds a little harsh, but ALL of the action scenes are hard to follow. The whole third act just had people running around back and forth and I couldn't keep track. George explained it all much better than I can. Maybe if I go through it in more detail I can give suggestions about how you could change it.


"Are you saying I'm crazy!?"
"Oh no, but I'm certainly thinking it loudly"
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Ian
Posted: July 14th, 2005, 4:50pm Report to Moderator
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SPOILERS!***

This whole post goes into great detail about the third act where all is revealed so anyone who hasn't read it and plans to, DO NOT READ THIS POST! Lol.

Right, I have gone through the third act (starting from when Ben is walking down the road winds up getting killed) to try and help you out with it (I apologise if I end up repeating things that George has already pointed out). Here goes:

- Ben goes to get help and is whacked with a sledge hammer. Like I said, this seems a little too like both Kurt and Kemper's deaths in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974 and 2003). Yes, many methods of killing have been used over and over but this is SO specific (and I've only seen it done in those two films) so maybe you should think of something else.
- Grace goes upstairs to lie down. I really don't think she would do this since someone has CLEARLY been in their house and taking things. I think you need to come up with a better reason for her to wander off on her own (I really like the bit where the bedroom door closes just before she reaches the hallway and then she goes inside though, that's creepy). Also, why does she go over to the closet when she can hear breathing coming from it?! I'd be out of that room in a shot!
- The group split up for a convincing enough reason, but what happens next is ridiculous. Josh and Tatum leave only to head back because Tatum has an incredibly immature pissy fit. Kayla and Scott stay at the house but then flee when Scott is attacked by someone upstairs (when searching for a JOINT no less! Who gets high during a situation like this? I think you should change that). They've ALL left the house now, meaning splitting the group up in the first place was pointless. Also, Kayla tripping and Scott not noticing is unrealistic.
- Mitch and Peyton tell Grace of their evil scheme, and then slit her throat. I was kind of left thinking Ben and Grace are not going to suffer the loss of their children if they die before their children do. If Ben was murdered for his blunder, that would make sense. If Kayla was killed to even the score (leaving Ben and Grace daughterless), that would make sense, or Kayla AND Josh, leaving them CHILDLESS. All these make sense. But killing ALL of them? There is no motive for killing Grace, Tatum and Scott. Killing Kayla and Josh but not leaving Ben alive to suffer like they have doesn't make any sense. I'll come back to this later.
- Kayla goes back to the house to look for her mom (okay, fair enough, but it's just stupid that she ran away from the house and then ran back again). She knows someone was in the house because they attacked Scott yet doesn't seem too worried about this (no, she would not think it was either of her parents because the person CHARGED at him. Actually, Scott didn't tell her this, which I don't get. Surely he would've mentioned it rather than just saying "I doubt it" when Kayla suggests that it was possibly her mom, since he KNEW it definitely wasn't). And where are Mitch and Peyton when she gets to the attic? How are they now downstairs when they saw Kayla come in from the attic window? Did they hide on the middle floor while she went along to the attic stairs and THEN go downstairs? And if so, why? Why not just wait in the attic and attack her then? We then have a chase that leads onto the roof (why do we need TWO of these?) in which both Kayla and Mitch fall to the ground and both come out of it without any serious injuries. Possible maybe, but far too convenient. For these two reasons, that chase should maybe be cut. Then you could just have Mitch and Peyton hiding in the attic waiting for her to come up (which she does) and catch her then, since it's where they end up taking her anyway.
- They now tell their evil scheme to Kayla. Fine, she needs to know, but the reader has already heard it once. This perhaps needs some alterations.
- Why are Tatum and Josh going BACK to the house instead of getting help? Because Tatum got upset about something really stupid and went off in a huff? No one would do that in this situation, and she comes off a total d*ck. Josh and Tatum have achieved nothing by leaving the house (except making it possible for Mitch and Peyton to do their thing without them knowing, which is obviously the only reason you had them leave since they don't go and get help like they were supposed to. Seems contrived). Kayla also achieved nothing by fleeing and then going back. Seems like all 3 of them should've stayed put and let Scott, the only person with half a brain who runs like hell at the right moments (except when he's searching for a joint of course...) get the help, since he's the only one who's actually decided to keep going.
- Why does Mitch leave Josh unconscious instead of killing him? Why does he drag Tatum to the house and lock her in the closet instead of killing her? Later the killers complain that dispatching of these kids is hard. Well it wouldn't be if the dumbasses just did it when they had they chance.
- Leigh being dead in the closet is very anti-climatic.
- Peyton is explaining the stuff about Leigh now, which, unlike the previous stuff, we DO need to hear because it's new to us, but I've found a huge hole in it. Why would Leigh be out for revenge on Mitch and Peyton? They paid him to kill Kayla; he accepted their offer, messed it up and went to jail. How is that THEIR fault?! I think he should be a mentally disabled (he has the mentality of a child) and somehow (although I don't know how), they tricked him into trying to kill her. Maybe they made him believe she did something bad that related to him somehow. Whatever you decide, he needs more of a motive for revenge. Also, cut the "made it look like rape" part. Why would they want the murder to look like rape? If she'd died, the murder would've looked like murder (or rape AND murder). She ISN'T raped, it doesn't seem to fit, so maybe you should cut that. Kayla's traumatic past isn't affected. Someone still attempted to kill her, that's traumatic enough. But also take out that God stuff that she says earlier. She doesn't believe in God because someone FAILED to murder her? I think surviving the ordeal would REINFORCE her belief in God!
- Mitch was just at the house sticking Tatum in the closet. Scott has been running through the woods for ages. How exactly does Mitch catch up with him?!
- Mitch stabs Scott in the stomach, hangs him from a tree, and then axes him in the chest. Why? Why didn't he just stab him through the chest with the machete and get it over with? Getting all that rope seems like a lot of extra effort, especially since he then uses an axe to actually kill him.
- Tatum's chase. She sees Peyton and runs back up the stairs? Is she blind? Why doesn't she go out the back door? She falls over the railing and then runs for the back door. Oh. The stairs bit is pointless. If you REALLY want to have her fall over the railing (which I'll admit would look cool lol), then have Peyton find her on the upstairs hallway coming down from the attic. She gives chase, catches Tatum as she's running down the stairs, they struggle, and Tatum goes over the railing. The rest of this chase is really cool except the bit where Peyton goes to the window just to bang on it (why?), only to then go to the door into the den. Just have Peyton go straight for the door. Then Tatum escapes through the window. End of chase.
- Josh helps Kayla and they try to escape. As George said, hitting Josh with the blunt part of the blade seems odd. Do the *she strikes, he ducks, she misses, gets the blade lodged in the floor* thing. Much better.
- The rooftop chase is cool (would be even better without the mini one with Kayla some pages before it). Kayla needs to be more upset about Josh dying but other than that, it's great.
- Why does Kayla hide in the garage instead of running away? It makes the whole scene where she hides in the car pointless, especially because she ends up running away after that anyway.
- Okay, this part really bugs me. Tatum says "If he wasn't dead he would've had the police here by now. He didn't make it". That's a very odd conclusion to come to since SHE got away and could've gone for help, but she didn't. And why not? Why does she hide? Why don't she and Kayla just run when Kayla finds her?
- Mitch and Peyton find them and grab them? Not ANOTHER attack that they escape from. Just have them run away!
- Kayla finds a crowbar lying on the bottom of a shelf? Mitch and Peyton would not be that careless. They'd have taken it. Have her find it on the floor, poking out from under the workbench when she hides behind it. They could have easily missed that.
- Kayla should not die. The ending is needlessly downbeat.

So basically, it was the plot holes, inconsistencies and constant blunders that your characters made which caused the third act to get confusing and messy. Do not fret; you have some great action here. There are some parts that I really like. You certainly get the feeling that they've been through one hell of an ordeal by the end of it, which is great. Just re-work that last section of the script to flow better, and stop splitting everyone up and keeping people alive for pointless reasons. If I can, I'll come up with an example of how you could change everything to work better. It will take some time, but I'll do it if I can so you can see what I mean. Sorry for all the negative stuff there, I do actually like the script! It can definitely be worked out. The post important thing through is to make the motives waterproof. They actually don't work very well at the moment, unless I missed something.

Ian


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"Oh no, but I'm certainly thinking it loudly"
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Oney.Mendoza
Posted: July 14th, 2005, 8:58pm Report to Moderator
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Ian,

AGAIN...SPOILER ALERTS!

OMG...Did you actually read this over again??? I didn't mean for you to do that, sorry. LOL. I am very appreciative toward you for doing that. If you need any other help or suggestions with REPRISAL, feel free to ask.

Anyways;
-The way Ben is whacked with the sledge-hammer. I truthfully didn't see it as "TCM" in my head while writing this, until you brought it up in your first review. I guess it can sort of be a "homage", but haha...I have already changed it.
-The reason why Grace goes and lies down was supposed to play with her psychological state. She's so confused and tired and freaked out, all she wanted to do was lie down, remember she wasn't feeling good? Also, I never made it clear enough, but all of them do not think that there's "intruders" still inside the house.
-I couldn't keep the "group" together, nothing would've worked out. I agree, I do need a better reason for Tatum to return back to Scott and Kayla. Her tantrum is a little immature and phony. I'll work on that. Scott was too freaked and only woried about getting away(and I state he's moving at a fast pace) to even realize Kayla has tripped. I imagined the sound of rain/thunder muting her little fall.
-I did meddle with the idea of leaving Ben and Grace childless, but I went toward the other option, KILL THEM ALL FOR REVENGE. The whole family (through their eyes) is to blame. Scott and Tatum HAD to die. They were just in the way. If I delete their characters(which I might possibly do) that leaves Kayla and Josh practically alone since they hold somewhat of a strong sense of antimosity towards each other.
-Like you said, Scott never told Kayla about the "attacker" to the extreme. So you would assume it was her parents. Scott has ditched her ass, why not go back if you think it was your parent? Where were Peyton/Mitch? To me, I didn't think it mattered, yeah, I got lazy. Why isn't Kayla attacked in the attic? I wanted to build some kind of suspense(I obviously went the wrong way in doing it), if she saw Peyton/Mitch in the attic right after finding her Mom, she would have for sure assumed them. But, instead I wanted to put her in a situation where she would feel safe with someone and we know for a fact that hugging and "trusting" Peyton in the bedroom was the wrong thing to do. I was hoping the readers would be like "Oh no, you stupid girl!" or "Oh shit". It wasn't exactly a "roof" scene, she was hanging out of the window. The fall, yeah, it would hurt, but I can't make them both die or anything.
-Yeah, having the rehashing moment about the motive. I've already planned to change that, I'm cutting a lot of it from Grace's scene.
- I needed the characters back. I couldn't let them scramble in the woods forever and have Peyton/Mitch hunting down 4 teens at the same time.
-I couldn't kill Josh right there, he's like Kayla's savior in a way. I don't know why I kept Tatum alive for so long.
-Oopsie, I did meant it as a rape/murder, not just rape. Having Leigh back into the mix and having him be part of Peyton/Mitch's plan from the past was totally last minute. I'm sure if I decided to do this early on I would've played with it more than I did. As for him being mentally challenged. Um, yeah, I thought of that but HOW many times have we've seen a retarded killer(even though in fact he wasn't the killer), I thought people would cuss at me saying it's too cliched.
-I don't know how Mitch got there so fast. How does Michael Myers catch his running victims? How did "fish-hook" man in I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER get ahead of Sarah Michelle at her death scene?? I truthfully did not find this a big thing, but I don't mind fixing it either.
-Tatum's chase. Originally I had Tatum "creeping down the stairs and as she is 2-3 steps from the bottom, Peyton pops up from the winding corner and then Tatum starts backing up the stairs" then the scene would continue as it was. I am adding that back into the rewrite. But, in a way I truly did want a "why do they always run up the stairs scene". Peyton knew Tatum would be naive enough to run back through the house(which she didn't) if she thought Peyton would "axe" through the window.
-As for the blunt end of the axe scene. I didn't know it would bother that many people. I am changing it.
-Thanks about the roof-top chase.
-As for why she hides in the car, I probably will delete that, but I was saw it as she is really worn out and freaked by her brother's death that she needed a rest. But, yes, I see your point.
-Yeah, that line bugged me too. It's odd, I look at some of the stuff I deleted WAY BEFORE I finished it and some of it is actually better than what I kept in. I don't let them run away because WITH ALL MY HEART...I can't. I didn't want the "ending" to take place somewhere in the woods. I wanted it to be the farm.
-Kayla finding the crowbar could simply suggest they forgot that, but I will fix that. I like your suggestion.
-The originally ending I had was just to have Kayla walk down the road, no Murray, and no death. But, that seemed a little too familiar, ie: JBD. So, then I had this idea wouldn't it be a little fucked up Mitch/Peyton are dead, but yet they've succeeded in their revenge plot? Both "parties" lost in the way I wanted to end it.

WELL thanks again for reading it, along with your suggestions. I don't know what I want to actually finish first. THIS OR HARMFUL DAYS???? Umm...

-ONEY


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AA Eguavon
Posted: July 15th, 2005, 1:12pm Report to Moderator
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this was decent how many scripts had you cokpleted before this
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George Willson
Posted: July 15th, 2005, 7:52pm Report to Moderator
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What you should finish first depends on where the muse moves you. Do you feel a need to finish Harmful Days? Or do you feel like this rewrite needs to be done. This is already out there. If you slow down enough to consider what you're thinking about the most, you'll get it.


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Shawnkjr
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Hey this was pretty good. I liked how you sorta let all the stuff build up before anything happened. Like in Hollowman most of the movie is build up for the action at the end. that barely happens in movies anymore. Overall this was pretty decent.

Good job.


Scarefest 2 presents: Home Malone - Short/Horror http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1220187087/
Spoiled - OWC Horror/Milk Exercise
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shelbyoops
Posted: September 3rd, 2005, 8:51am Report to Moderator
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Yay Oney!!! This was my favorite script pn this site!  The only problem I had have been brought up before. In the first few pages its like the children of south park and even they dont talk like that infront of their parents. Some of it seem forced too... but just at the beginning. 10 pages in I was on a roll and didn't stop untill the ending which, I don't care what anyone said, was exellant. act 3 was a perfect fit. I did notice Kayla was silly not to say ANYTHING after the phone call. noises I can understand, when I'm alone I hear all kinds of noises but if someone called me and said "Im watching you" The last thing on my mind would be sleep. I would be sitting in the bathroom locked in with a candle and the sharpest biggest knofe in the house... or id tell my paremts That aside, this was really my fave. script on the site
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Oney.Mendoza
Posted: March 13th, 2006, 11:12pm Report to Moderator
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Its been awhile since I've touched this script, its actually been a while since I've read a script and reviewed it, but lately I've found my "drive" to rewrite this as I've planned many months ago. Its going quite well, actually. The first act is completely finished, dialogue has mainly been trimmed. The second and third act will be a little bit challenging because its where most of the work needs to be done.

I might end up changing Scott's name, only because its a very common "white boy"(no offense anyone) and readers might get confused with him compared with Josh. I know I have quite a bit of rehashing moments, dialogue wise, so I might cut it or replace it with more character backstory. Not quite sure yet.

It was explained to me by my friend, but I still might share anyways. I mainly wanted to trim this script and have it run a lot more smoothly(while fixing up the last act), and I am using Final Draft this time around. Final Draft has actually extended my script even with the trimming I have already done. I'm going to very surprised at the overall length of this script.

Again, thanks Ian, George, and Bert for your helpful suggestions.

-ONEY


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George Willson
Posted: March 13th, 2006, 11:54pm Report to Moderator
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Glad you got back to it. Best of luck on the rewrites.


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bert
Posted: March 14th, 2006, 7:34am Report to Moderator
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Wow...you did let this one simmer for a while.

I'll bet that's a good thing, though, as you can go back into it very fresh, you know?

It'll be fun to see what this one looks like after you've doctored it up, but try to keep that page count down if you can.

++++++++++++++++++++
Don's edit.  This moved to

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1153866107/



Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!

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Don  -  July 25th, 2006, 8:24pm
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