Misfortune by Oney Mendoza - Horror, Thriller - A doctor and his family agree to house-sit for old friends of theirs in the boonies, but the trip is cut short when the family realizes that SOMEONE is watching and waiting...waiting for the screams to begin and the blood to flow.  - doc, format

Hi,

   I'm the writer of Misfortune. Geeze...I had the most difficult time writing this, it has almost taken a year. Out of all my scripts, I believe that this is the most accomplished one of them all. So, please...anyone read it and give it a quick review. Thanks.

-ONEY

Not bad at all.  It is easy to tell the difference between a knocked-off story and someone who actually took some time.  Your hard work shows, and I really wanted to see what happened to these folks.  Some feedback (and lots of spoilers):

I hated finding what was "presumably Leigh" in the closet.  How is anybody supposed to know this, particularly since he has been an elusive, faceless, menacing presence throughout?  And why set up this great character without so much as a shout-out?  Give him something TO DO in this house, with these characters!  The "wild-card" possibilities for this guy are endless.  

Some stretches of dialogue are a bit talky, particularly when characters are rehashing events for one another that we, the viewer, have already "seen".  This slows things down.  I recall a really long one in the middle, in the bathroom or something.  Consider trimming them up.  

You simply cannot have Mitch just leave Josh lying there in the rain.  This revenge-crazed lunatic is going to blow him off while he is at his most helpless?  Josh needs to escape or something instead.

Kudos for "setting up" the lock-picking earlier in the script.  Everybody likes a set up that pays off later, especially when you don't see it coming.

Thanks for the good read.

Thanks Bert for the first review.

   I did have a short sequence w/ Leigh in the house before the closet scene, but I cut it. I cut about 25 pages of the script and it was still too long in the long run. Leaving Josh in the woods, yeah...I just couldn't get "rid" of these characters too fast and I really didn't want him to intercept with what was happening with Tatum. Oh and yes, the dialogue, I know, it is WAY TOO talky and a bit much, but I wanted the whole family/friends to get involved the same way and not be like "oh, they know" without having any dialogue explaining it.

  I have a question though, do you or anyone think that the killer's motive is reasonable?

 Thanks again for reading it.

Oness, I'll read this later, and give you a review on it.
Holla, JoEy

Yes, the killer's motive is quite reasonable.  But maybe they are just a little TOO friendly up front.  Perhaps their visit can be more of a reconciliation as opposed to a meeting of old friends.  But you don't have to give alot of details about the nature of their previous falling out, of course.

My story is finally up, and it, too, takes place on a secluded farm.  It's called "The Farm".  You might be interested in giving it a look when you have the chance.

I read through this today. I'll post a more complete review tomorrow because I took a lot of notes to sift through, but here's the overview.

Disclaimer: this commentary reflects my opinon and mine alone. As I dish it out, I can also take it. If I say I don't like something, I will give a reason, and I would expect anyone else to do the same for me. Everyone has an opinon, and everyone has a reason for having it. Share both.

Overall, I think the concept is great, and I think the idea is well worth working on. I also think the script needs a lot of work.

WARNING, THIS CONTAINS SPOILERS!! PLEASE AVOID UNTIL YOU HAVE READ THE SCRIPT!!







Act one went pretty well. There a couple of hiccups here and there on the level of believability and a setup (in the hayloft) that never paid off. The character setup and backstory for Kayla was good, but everyone else seemed a little thin.

Act two was really creepy. I liked the faceless guy appearing in various places and being genreally mysterious. This group of people has a serious comunication problem, though. No one believes anyone else despite clear prior evidence. There's a prowler on the loose, but when I hear bumps in the night and get creepy phone calls, I'll keep it to myself. Some other believability issues as well.

HERE'S THE SPOILED SECTION.

Act three is where some real problems began. The focus suddenly changed from creepy guy from our past to these lovely people who are supposed to be our friends.

While the twist is clever, it doesn't come off real well, and the script almost looks like it got rewritten right after the line when Peyton says he's here. Creepy guy is killed right away and never does anything to anyone which is a real letdown after all the creepiness in the previous two acts. The victims are alternately taken prisoner or killed, and the method used to determine whether they will die or not is unknown. They are left alive for awhile and then killed. Josh manages to escape death TWICE before he gets it (once by getting hit with the flat side of th axe head!?). Peyton captures Kayla and then goes outside without killing her, which is completely contrary to the point of revenge. Instead of running, Kayla hides out in the car and the freaks somehow find her.

Then the point of the whole thing goes the way of George Romero; kill 'em all and take no prisoners. True, endings are personal preference, but personally, I like it when SOMEONE lives, so I don't feel cheated out of the whole thing. I hated the ending of Night of the Living Dead, because I just thought, "What was the point?" However, that a very slanted opinion, and some people like Little Shop Of Horrors endings.

I liked acts 1 & 2 on the whole, but act three just fell apart. If I had to make a suggestion on improving the plot regarding the killer side of things, it's ok that Leigh is out of jail, but I believe it would be far better to have the real killers doing the stalking, and show Leigh at Murray's mostly incapacitated, making it impossible for him to have done anything. It would make the revenge plan more believable.

I'll give a complete review, including the specific parts (and page numbers in my version of Word) that I feel deserve special attention tomorrow.

I respect your criticism and your suggestions.

 Truthfully, I had no idea how I would end it. Yeah, some other backstories on other characters were edited out, it slowed the story down a bit. The ending with Leigh, I guess I wanted a surprise w/ the script and have a motive for Peyton and Mitch instead of Leigh, because they're the ones who ended up dying. Another draft might be in the works in the upcoming months.

 Thank you for your thoughts George.

Brace yourself.

And now, the moment you've been waiting for. My complete review. My disclaimer remains in full effect, and as I have previously stated, I like the story; just needs work, in my humble opinion.

WARNING!!! THE FOLLOWING REVIEW DISCUSSES THIS SCRIPT IN PAINSTAKING DETAIL. SPOILERS AHEAD! AVOID UNTIL YOU HAVE READ THE SCRIPT OR IF YOU LIKE TO KNOW THE ENDING BECAUSE YOU THINK YOU MIGHT DIE FROM THE FLAT SIDE OF AN AXE HEAD BEFORE YOU GET TO THE END.







Believability: if you can't suspend your disbelief, it doesn't matter how cool the plot is. Here are my observations for when unbelievable things happened. 1 point off for each event.

Pg.1-5: Opening dialogue is a little brazen for children in the back seat of their parents' car with their parents driving. The language alone made a "R" rating in the first 5 pages, and most children, even college aged ones, don't use R-rated language around their parents. Some do, sure, but IMO, it dropped the believability from the beginning.

Pg 18: So, Ben is concerned about drugs, but the BJ's from the sorority girls are okay?

Pgs 24-25: So Kayla sees a broken window, screams, and cleans it up. She tells no one, no one helse hears the glass break, and no one hears her scream?

Pg. 39: Ben tries to get rid of the cops after his wife sees someone at the window and word of a prowler? Odd. And then he tries to talk her out of his existence. Sure the guy in jail may be hard for them to believe but a general prowler would be believable.

pg 43: So no one hears the ringing phone?

Pg 46: So Kayla is scared to death from a dream and a phone call, and the first thing she does is walk into the woods alone.

Pg 54: Making me crazy; why isn't Kayla telling them about what she has seen?

Pg 104: They may be totally psychotic, but destroying their own car instead of using their keys to open the door and drag her out?         



Plot: The heart of the script and the events the characters follow. Again, 1 point off for each event.

Pg 62: Classic scene from "A Nightmare on Elm Street"; unfortunately it seems out of place since Kayla was just packing her clothes in a panic. Panicked people don't normally take a bath in a place that freaks them out due to the vulnerability issue.

Goosebumps on pg 72; the downside: it took 72 pages to get goosebumps.

Pg 76: I wanna know where the secret passages are in the house... this guy is going all over the way without being seen. He is in and out of the bathroom with mom banging at the door earlier, and other similar brain teasers throughout.

Pg 77: Let's think, there's a killer out there. Instead of taking the road where it's wide open, let's go through the woods; nothing EVER happens in there. (3 things in this script so far)

Pg 81: So Kayla left the house with Scott so he could leave her alone in the woods and she would turn back around to go to the house alone?

Pg 84: Where'd Kayla get the candle?

Pg 95: Mitch takes prisoners, but decides to kill Scott. I thought they were just going after those involved.

Pg 98: Why is Peyton trying to kill Tatum when before she was a prisoner?

Pg 98: Peyton is chasing after Tatum while chilling outside, but Kayla is STILL alive in the attic. What is she being saved for?

Pg 101: Hits Josh with the flat side? I thought they wanted to kill everyone...or wait, they want to take prisoners...no, kill 'em all.  

Pg 102: The plank "Ladder" on the roof...I'm not sure what this is or why it is there. I have never seen this sort of occurrence on any house. I believe it needs some kind of setup before this payoff.

Pg 105: Hey, there's Tatum...wait, I thought Mitch had Tatum (see Pg 100)

Pg 107: We're going to get them. I want them dead. Well, if you killed them when you had the chance, it wouldn't be so hard.

Pg 108: Trips over a mound of rope...hm, the rope could use a setup; maybe she ALMOST trips over it on the way up.

Pg 109: If Tatum was going to serve no further purpose beside giving someone Kayla can chatter with so late in the game, why wait so long to kill her?

Pg 111: Again, using the non-threatening end of the axe. Why?         

Most of the hits were from Act 3, since your first two acts were really good.

TO BE CONTINUED...

REVIEW CONTINUES...SPOILER WARNING IN FULL EFFECT!





Dialogue: The characters have gotta communicate and work well in themselves.

Overall, dialogue was mostly well written and easy to read. There were a couple of weak points and others have commented on its occasional talkiness, but it doesn't get too excessive in my opinion.

Pgs 51-53: Repeat of a lot of info we already know. Good use to cut out most of it and leave only the new stuff about the town hating them. Just a hint that the topic is breached is enough to let the audience know that Scott will emerge fully informed.

Pg 67: Tatum: "There AREN'T any nearby neighbors." In 67 pages, she makes 1 grammactical error?

Pg 72: "THERE AREN'T any knives anywhere..." Same deal with the grammar.

Pg 88: "Don't move or I will cut you into blocks." Into blocks? Huh?          


Characters: Gotta love 'em or we don't care. Since characters are built throughout the script, this is more objective based on my opinion and the genre and type of story we're dealing with.

Interesting backstory for Kayla and how it affects her family.

No real backstory for Scott at all besides that he is guy stereotype.

Most everyone else was given a very minimal backstory, but as the genre doesn't require much, it worked all right for me. It could have used some more meaningful character interaction to build these people's relationships since the loss when people started getting hacked lacked something. Basically, rather than discussing the issue at hand forensically (as it almost always was), they need to relate the plot to themselves and how it affects them in their relationships and history. In this way, we more fully understand who these people are and what they are going through.          


Format/Description: Has nothing to do with the story, but just the blueprint for the filmmakers and us poor saps reading it.

First, the dialogue is running all the way to the right margin instead of being about 3 to 3 1/2 inches wide. Distance from the left margin is fine.

Pg. 8: Out of being polite, Ben laughs. Can't see it, but we can see "Ben laugh politely."

Pg 26. Kayla and Scott reach an open door. Which door? Front door? Coat closet?  

Pg 57: "Something from inside CRASHES to the ground" I understand the mystery, but can we get a description of what this crash sounds like?

Pg 93: Presumably Leigh? This is the blueprint, is it or isn't it him? "A MAN" works fine for the moment if you don't want to tell.

Pg 96: holds him in place as he dies. But wait! He's not dead yet! Hack him some more. Okay, now he's dead.      

Those were the most glaring. Some other minor things existed throughout, but I was able to figure them out or they weren't so bad.



Other Stuff I liked or wanted to say something about.

Fair amount of decent scare tactics; typical of a horror script. I like the man showing up in shadow everywhere. Especially nice in the dark kitchen on pg 43.

Pg 96: Sweet payoff with the lock pick story.  

Pg 102: Ah, who can forget "The Shining"?

Pg 107: I was waiting for the hayloft payoff with Tatum in the barn. Got disappointed.

I like the plot twist with Peyton and Mitch being the bad guys and building it up with the old memories with Leigh.

However, the weak point of this was Leigh was Mr. Creepy in the first 2 acts and then was knocked off unceremoniously in the third. For this plot to work, I believe that Peyton and Mitch would need to be close-by with their cell phone. They would need to be Mr (and Mrs) Creepy in the first acts. Leigh would need to either still be in jail or completely harmless or incapacitated to heighten the WTF factor before the killers are revealed. That would be my opinion on how to fix this wonderful plot.

On another note, the third act was the weakest of the entire script. It killed all the great things you had built up to this point. From the scene where the killers were revealed onward, it went downhill. I believe the weakest part was that the victims were allowed to live instead of being mercilessly killed. When reviewing past films, we find that the killers rarely allowed anyone to live; the only exception is the object of their affection to whom they explain their dastardly plan before immediately acting to kill them. The basic clean-up for act three needs to involve continuous running and avoidance. If the killers find the victims, they are relentlessly pursued and the deadly end of the weapon used all the time. Forcing this situation will certainly bring forth the creativity needed from this third act.          
   


As I said, overall, the script is good. It has good potential and with some work on the third act, you have something special here. That third act had a lot of problems, but the relative strength of the first two kept the score from dropping like a stone.



I hope the comments were helpful, and I look forward to the rewrite.

And if you have the time, I look forward to an equally scatheing review of my own works at your convenience.

         For some reason, it was really hard picturing this in my mind as a horror script. It felt more like a straight-forward thriller or something. Like would you exactly call SAW a horror or a thriller? I don't know.....

         Great opening, I liked the dialogue between the kids, it seemed real and forced. But, like George said would they actually be saying this in front of the parents? I few cuts should do the trick though

          It took awhile before it actually started to get entertaining for me. You had some creepy sequences that would look frightening on screen, like the scene where Grace is trying to rest and a hand closes the closet door and then bolting open when she reaches it. Good stuff.
          I really would've liked to get some background on JOSH, SCOTT, and TATUM more. I read you cut some "development" scenes. Why? I would've just kept it in, so what if it ran over 120 pages?

         I read George's long review and helpful tips for you. I disagree with him in some places; true they were close to the road, but if they ran away from the house, would there even be a script? That would be too easy and dumb for a horror script. Same with your comment on the deaths, like Josh in the woods, well if Mitch killed them there in the woods how would the story further? Kayla wouldn't escape and that roof scene wouldn't be there. But, I also agree with George on you just ditched Leigh's freaky ass in the 3rd act, how come? He was used effective in the first two.

         Overall, very solid and somewhat scary. It was...okay.

Hey cool, someone else commented. As for my run on about when people were killed and such, perhaps I should elaborate on what was in my head for a solution to where I found several points to be a little hard to believe.

The characters should escape their situations where death is imminent, but they should not be able to do so easily. When Kayla is in the attic, she should not be left alone; she should escape by the skin of her teeth causing Peyton to stand on the porch looking for her when Tatum shows up. Mitch doesn't leave Josh alone in the woods to live; he chases the hell out of the poor kid giving him a the run of his life. If they want to escape into the woods, that's fine; but, I feel there should be some kind of argument on how that could possibly be a better solution than the clearly safe one.

By making the decisions of the characters more believable, creativity is forced on how to progress the script. If Mitch attacks in the woods, how do they get out? What reason would there be for stashing Tatum in the closet instead of killing her right then (I'm sure there are dozens of reasons). What this third act needs is some thought on how can I get this character out of this situation without just allowing them to live? This won't be easy, but the script will come out awesome because of it.

I'm not advocating a safe script and stupid movie by any means. To suggest the whole flat side of the axe fix, Instead of Josh getting clubbed with the axe, the killer should swing the sharp end at him. He dodges it, falling to the floor. The axe head lodges momentarily in the floor, giving he and Kayla a chance to hit the roof. It's more dangerous, and you're not sitting there thinking "Why the hell did she hit him with the side of the axe?"

To George,

                                     SO MANY SPOILERS



Pg.1-5: Opening dialogue - Yeah, I already changed that. Kayla says "Are you kidding me" instead of you know and Grace now makes a comment about their language. Other than that I didn't find it that bad. They didn't use "f" or anything, just bitch once or twice and shitting.

Pgs 24-25: Kayla tells no one about the broken glass and hear her scream? The way I saw it in my head it was a scream but not as loud(not exactly a gasp either). I did have an extremely short scene in the morning where she tells her mother. Too quick to even keep it in, so I edited it out.

pg 43: The ringing phone. I don't know why no one heard it? Didn't want anyone to ruin the suspense?

Pg 46: Going into the woods alone. She just wanted to smoke. It's morning, they're safe in the morning. I'll admitt a bad move, but harmless.

Pg 54: "Making me crazy; why isn't Kayla telling them about what she has seen?" This is where she mistakes the "prowler" for Scott, right? Well she was telling everyone what she saw, but in her mind it was Scott.

Pg 104: Destroying car instead of using keys. C'mon, this is a horror script!

Pg 76: "I wanna know where the secret passages are in the house... this guy is going all over the way without being seen. He is in and out of the bathroom with mom banging at the door earlier, and other similar brain teasers throughout." I'm confused with this statement. You mean the scene with Grace and the "hand in the closet", but what do you mean about the bathroom?

Pg 77: Through the woods instead of road. Yeah, if they get to the road, they escape right? BORING.

Pg 81: Kayla returning back w/out Scott. In her mind and what she was thinking was that the person Scott saw was her Mom. She became giddy that she might be alive.

Pg 84: Where'd Kayla get the candle? Wow, I didn't realize I wrote that. She grabbed it downstairs from when her and Scott were in the living room?

Pg 95: Taking Tatum prisoner, but killing Scott. What Kayla said "They'll be back with the cops" made Mitch and Peyton panic. He got Tatum and took her prisoner, was going to get Scott before he got the police.

Pg 98: Peyton trying to kill Tatum. Because she escaped from the closet and was going to leave.

Pg 98: Kayla being saved for? They were going to kill her last.

Pg 101: Hits Josh with the flat side? Just making sure no one escapes. Clearly he can't take them all at once.

Pg 102: The plank "Ladder" on the roof. We had it on our house, it was like the remains of a rose-vine thingy that was taken down years before. The actual ladder itself was really thin and you'd have to have tiny feet to climb, so yeah I exaggerated that a bit.

Pg 105: "Hey, there's Tatum...wait, I thought Mitch had Tatum." Last thing Josh remembered was Mitch trying to get Tatum. When he awoke in the woods, Tatum was gone. He assumed Mitch had her.

Pg 107: Kill them when you had the chance. True, but I wanted chases and I didn't want the characters to die like 2-4 pages after another.

Pg 108: Trips over a mound of rope. I could've had a setup. Is that really  necessary though overall?  

Pg 109: Wait so long to kill Tatum? Because I liked writing that character. It was hard enough to kill her when it was time.

Pg 111: non-threatening end of the axe. To make Kayla feel less in power and to know that Peyton can/will kill her any second.

I won't comment back on dialogue. I didn't realize I made that grammar error. I'm surprised with myself, this is the least errors I've made in one shot! Yes!

Pg 102: Ah, who can forget "The Shining"? Can you explain? I never seen that film.          

Pg 107: Disappointed hayloft scene. How? You didn't like that? It's my favorite kill in the script.

I hope this answers some of the open-ended thoughts you had in your head. Once again, thank you very much for reading and I will start reading your horror script.

-ONEY

The Shining is a 1980 film by Stanley Kubrick based on the novel by Stephen King. One of the most famous scenes in movie history comes from this film and this image in on the dust jacket/DVD cover. Jack (ironically played by Jack Nicholson) is convinced by the spirits in the hotel they are...um...hotel-sitting to kill his family. He chases them through the hotel with an axe, cornering them in their room. He chops through the door with the axe, looks in, and says "Heeere's Jack!" Here's the imdb page containing the DVD cover showing that image: The Shining, IMDB.com.

YET MORE SPOILERS!

As for the disappointment in the hayloft, I was sort of expecting a pay off from Kayla's little stunt at the beginning with Tatum. I figured Tatum would remember it and clobber Peyton. She didn't and tripped over a previously unknown wind of rope instead.

As for my comments that appear to take the supense and horror out of the script, that was not the intent. I think I've been grossly misunderstood more than once on that. Never. If you'd like, I can take a comment or two of mine, and rewrite a page or so to show how I might do it in that instance to keep the horror, keep the characters alive, keep the suspense, but turn on the believability; you can pick the comments. But as I first pointed out, this is purely my opinion, I could have missed something, and it is your script, not mine.

In some of your comments where you give a little explanation as to why something happened, if that explanation is not in the dialogue to justify those actions, I feel like it needs to be.

As for the secret passage bit on Pg 76, I made these comments during my first read through...for the bathroom, I believe I caught she was dreaming, so that is absolved, the issue I had was that this guy was in the cornfields and then in Grace's closet, however many, many pages later, we find Mitch was the guy in the cornfield, and Leigh was the guy in the closet making this thing possible...or was he? I don't really know. The run of the script makes it seem like it was Leigh who came out of th closet, since Peyton and Mitch had not yet arrived, and yet this is the only time Leigh attacks anyone, and the outcome is of a benefit for Peyton and Mitch.

With Scott separating from Kayla, the issue was not that she returned to the house, but that he ran off into the forest without her. She said wait, and he kept on running. You can still split them up, but I think Scott should visibly notice that he ran off without Kayla and didn't mean to.

Incidentally, on the key to the car thing, this was done very effectively by wes Craven in Scream. Sydney jumped in the SUV and locked the doors. She wanted to drive off but there were no keys. She looked outside and saw the killer with the keys. He zipped from one side of the car to the other unlocking the door before finally coming in the hatchback while she is waiting for another lock to pop open.

True, it would've really helped if I kept some of the dialogue in, I personally felt it wasn't necessary to keep it in. But, that'll change with the re-write.

PAGE 83 - Explains the cornfield/closet scene. I do have that explained, it's...

                                                             MITCH
        I got her while you were taking care of Ben.

Mitch wasn't in the cornfield, it was Peyton. Mitch was in the closet, ready to capture Grace. Hope that helps.

I have begun reading Vengeance, it's good so far. I'll give you a review in 2-3 days. Sorry, it's going to take long, I have school and work.

       -ONEY

Hey, I'm just glad someone is finally reading it. And on the cornfield, I knew it was one or the other and guessed wrong. And yeah, I didn't remember that particular line. Well done.

Sometimes, it take someone who has no idea what's going on to catch lines that maybe shouldn't have been cut. The first thing I ever presented to anyone else was a musical to a local community theatre. I knew the concept and execution were good except for one problem: I was dealing with a fictional topic and had no backstory to explain why these people were doing these things. They said the music was good, but it didn't make any sense. Several years later, I pulled it out and re-read it...you know what? They were right! What a mess! How much backstory did I come up with for that one story? Two prequels. Oh well...

Look forward to what you might have to say on my little horror flick.

Hey Oney,

I'm sorry this has taken me so long. I wanted to give you a page by page nit picking review, but it was going to be too time consuming (I have to revise for exams now! UGH! lol). Anyway, it seems George has done that! If you do a re-write based on what you've already been told, I will do a page by page nit picking review of the re-write lol. But of course I will give you a review now, it just won't be as "in depth" as I'd hoped. On with the review!

SPOILERS***

CONCEPT -
Great. This is totally different to anything else you've written. At heart it’s a slasher (but we all love those lol), but only during the third act, and your set of characters is different because of the adults, who aren't just in a few scenes, but are the main characters. I didn't feel like I'd seen/read this idea a thousand times over. Well done!

PLOT -
I can't believe you said you thought your revelation was predictable! First you have your main suspect in the form of Leigh. Ridiculously naive readers will believe he is the killer, but those with half a brain know you're going to throw in a twist where the killer is revealed to be someone else (I guess if the killer HAD been Leigh, that WOULD have been a surprise! But a disappointing one lol). Now, I don't know if you realised this, but do you know who we (I'm assuming others thought the same) think the killer is? Not Leigh, he's too obvious. It's Murray. It's got to be right? He's NOT the person you lead us to think is the killer, but we know the person you're hinting at ISN'T going to be the killer, and Murray has a pure motive (or so we think from what we're first told). We think we're being clever by knowing Leigh isn't the killer and looking past that idea, and we sit there smugly thinking we've figured everything out. But you know we're gonna think this, so you give us with the REAL surprise, and provide us with the third possibility we hadn't even thought about! Well, in actuality, I'd be lying if I said I hadn't considered this idea, but that's because I'm very familiar with this stuff and I suspect everyone! But I dismissed it early on when I realised that it couldn't be them, because they were at the hotel. How wrong I was. Not only is that revelation quite a surprise, but how it all fits together is a wonderful twist too! This script had several and they all worked brilliantly. Your plot is clever, it really is. It's not rocket science obviously, but it's head and shoulders above most "twists" I've seen in slasher scripts, and that includes your previous ones. This is the best plot you've come up with, and certainly the most intelligent. When you said the killer was obvious, you were wrong. Leigh is the OVERLY obvious answer, so Murray is the REAL obvious one. It was neither. Even the regular plot points were good. Kayla's past attack was a great way to increase tension as it was. Then there was a twist about how and why THAT happened too! This is good stuff. You're on to a winner here.

STORY -
By story, I mean the events that unfold within your plot template. Everything was going great, but it seemed liked you lost your way towards the end. The action got confusing. I didn't really like the deaths either. Ben's was cool but a little to reminiscent of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Tatum's was brilliant, but more description would be cool as I imagine that the effects of gravity would make an upside down decapitation VERY messy lol. The others weren’t very memorable though, and Scott's got a bit silly. Why was he hung, only to be axed in the stomach? I won't go into any more detail because George already did that. You need to neaten this up, and like others have said, you need to use Leigh! I think you also need to find a way to mask your killers. Your twists are so good that it's criminal for them to be wasted by being revealed so early. Maybe if they told Leigh to wear a certain outfit (to scare the c*ap out of Kayla and her family), they could then wear the exact same thing and pretend to be Leigh. But when Kayla discovers that Leigh is in fact dead, she realises that someone else is after her, and then it turns out to be TWO people! The twist about Samantha was good and unexpected, but it needed to be hinted at a little more, and SHE needed to come up in the story much earlier than she did. I also didn't like your ending. I personally think that Murray should arrive just in time to save Kayla, especially as he needs to get revenge for them exploiting his son. I don’t know how he figures it out, but he should as it felt unresolved.

STRUCTURE -
Your story was slow burning and suspense building for the most part, but it did get a bit dull on occasion because not much happened in the first 2/3 of the script. I think you should cut down the first two acts. It's too long. 112 pages I believe? And it would be more if it was in the correct font (I think it's in 11 when technically it should be in 12). 100 pages would be much more fitting I think. Your structure should be something like 1 - 20 of set up, 21 - 60 of building suspense up to the third act where all the murder and mayhem takes place, which should run from 61 - 100 (the end). You see how if you were to follow this, your killers would be revealed on something like page 70. That seems too early now doesn't it (in yours it's something like page 85 because it's 112 pages long). That's why I think they need to remain hidden until the last 10 pages or something.

CHARACTER -
Your characters were a little indistinguishable. Kayla and Tatum were quite similar, Kayla and Josh were actually too similar (she acts like she's above him but she resorts to his typical way of talking - "it's gay huh" etc), and Josh and Scott? They were EXACTLY the same. Plus, it seems like when you wrote them you just had "stoners" in mind as their character. Tatum was my favourite at first, but near the end she was annoying and idiotic. I started to not care about whether she lived or died. Here's what I think you should be going for:
BEN - Loving father, but somewhat shady. Make him more tightly wound, with Grace being the calm, collected one. Her upbeat attitude starts to annoy him when he starts to stress about Leigh, which creates tension in their relationship.
GRACE - Loving mother, NOT shady. Even SHE doesn't know some of Ben's secrets. I think she should have a sharp tongue and quick wit, almost a cool mom type. She's confident and happy in her perfect relationship, but becomes paranoid as it becomes apparent that things aren't as perfect as they first seemed.
KAYLA - She has quick wit like her mom and is a bit of a smart ass (don't lower her intelligence with Josh-esque phrases and profanities). She lords her higher intelligence over her dim-witted brother (I'm sorry, I don't buy him being in college) and out does him with her comebacks every time they have a bitching session.
JOSH - I think he'd come off well as slobbish layabout with a heart lol. He does nothing but get high and bug his sister, but deep down he's proud of her for being the smart, academic one, and is very over-protective of her.
TATUM - Cool and sexy valley girl type who's all about boys and shopping, which makes Skyler's farm her worst nightmare, even BEFORE the murders begin lol. She's a bit superficial, but she and Kayla are best friends and she cares deeply about her. She uses her assets to her advantage, and is able to tease guys (Josh in particular) because of her looks, and is also able to scathe them with insults straight out of a teen drama series (think Summer in The O.C. lol)
SCOTT - Not as dumb as well all think. He's actually in college but dumbs himself down so as not to seem superior to Josh, as they have been best friends since they were kids, and he can tell that they are going in different directions in life. He gets stoned with Josh, but reluctantly. That isn't him anymore, he's grown up, and it's putting a strain on their friendship. Perhaps develop a slight love interest with Kayla which I thought I saw blossoming but it never really went anywhere. He identifies with her much more than Josh but has to pretend to see her as Josh's annoying little sister to keep Josh happy. The truth comes out later lol.
If you like these ideas (or you have come up with some of your own), keep them at the front of your mind the whole way through, and make them very definite and defined. Don't slouch, don't give leeway, don't make exceptions. Keep the characters distinguished and consistent. Give each one an arch that they go through. Each has its own outcome before they are sadly killed. We will care SO much more.

DIALOGUE -
Probably the best you've done so far. It sometimes felt inconsistent, with people repeating similar lines and characters saying things that I didn't think they'd say, but I think this is a result of under developed characters. Dialogue isn't that hard to write if you KNOW your characters. It always has to be realistic, but realistic in what terms? That answer is, in terms of the character that's saying it. Work out exactly who each character really is and what relationship they have with all the others and the dialogue will come very naturally.

Overall, I was impressed. This is your best script so far and it's a great achievement. I was a bit let down by your messy action and death scenes, and the uneven structure, but don't worry. That stuff is EASY to sort out. You know what's hard to get? An interesting concept, and an inventive, unpredictable twist filled plot. You've got that, and you should be very proud. Just work on the easy stuff, as it seemed like you rushed it a bit.

I hope I was of some help. Well done once again!

Ian

Thank God! You liked it! Wow, remember how I was beginning to say I hated it!? I really didn't expect people to like it. It is messy because I've cut SO many scenes out. I do need to write in 12 pt font, but I just feel uncomfortable with it. My next script I will though.

I like your suggestions, especially about the characters. Remember in an email I did mention that the characters were very similar to each other? BIG MISTAKE...I should've fixed it. Well, thanks for your review and good luck with HIDEOUT and your exams.

-ONEY

To everyone,

           Does anyone else have any other suggestions in what I should add/change/delete from this version? I plan on rewriting it in the near future and need any suggestions to help me move the script in a better direction.

         Thanks,

         -ONEY

Hey, it's been a while since I read this, so I forget the names.  But I do remember that you absolutely need to add a scene where the main chick interacts with that mechanic's son.  Leigh, right?  There is lots of potential for some good violence there (if that's want you want) and a high creep factor.

This sounds a little harsh, but ALL of the action scenes are hard to follow. The whole third act just had people running around back and forth and I couldn't keep track. George explained it all much better than I can. Maybe if I go through it in more detail I can give suggestions about how you could change it.

SPOILERS!***

This whole post goes into great detail about the third act where all is revealed so anyone who hasn't read it and plans to, DO NOT READ THIS POST! Lol.

Right, I have gone through the third act (starting from when Ben is walking down the road winds up getting killed) to try and help you out with it (I apologise if I end up repeating things that George has already pointed out). Here goes:

- Ben goes to get help and is whacked with a sledge hammer. Like I said, this seems a little too like both Kurt and Kemper's deaths in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974 and 2003). Yes, many methods of killing have been used over and over but this is SO specific (and I've only seen it done in those two films) so maybe you should think of something else.
- Grace goes upstairs to lie down. I really don't think she would do this since someone has CLEARLY been in their house and taking things. I think you need to come up with a better reason for her to wander off on her own (I really like the bit where the bedroom door closes just before she reaches the hallway and then she goes inside though, that's creepy). Also, why does she go over to the closet when she can hear breathing coming from it?! I'd be out of that room in a shot!
- The group split up for a convincing enough reason, but what happens next is ridiculous. Josh and Tatum leave only to head back because Tatum has an incredibly immature pissy fit. Kayla and Scott stay at the house but then flee when Scott is attacked by someone upstairs (when searching for a JOINT no less! Who gets high during a situation like this? I think you should change that). They've ALL left the house now, meaning splitting the group up in the first place was pointless. Also, Kayla tripping and Scott not noticing is unrealistic.
- Mitch and Peyton tell Grace of their evil scheme, and then slit her throat. I was kind of left thinking Ben and Grace are not going to suffer the loss of their children if they die before their children do. If Ben was murdered for his blunder, that would make sense. If Kayla was killed to even the score (leaving Ben and Grace daughterless), that would make sense, or Kayla AND Josh, leaving them CHILDLESS. All these make sense. But killing ALL of them? There is no motive for killing Grace, Tatum and Scott. Killing Kayla and Josh but not leaving Ben alive to suffer like they have doesn't make any sense. I'll come back to this later.
- Kayla goes back to the house to look for her mom (okay, fair enough, but it's just stupid that she ran away from the house and then ran back again). She knows someone was in the house because they attacked Scott yet doesn't seem too worried about this (no, she would not think it was either of her parents because the person CHARGED at him. Actually, Scott didn't tell her this, which I don't get. Surely he would've mentioned it rather than just saying "I doubt it" when Kayla suggests that it was possibly her mom, since he KNEW it definitely wasn't). And where are Mitch and Peyton when she gets to the attic? How are they now downstairs when they saw Kayla come in from the attic window? Did they hide on the middle floor while she went along to the attic stairs and THEN go downstairs? And if so, why? Why not just wait in the attic and attack her then? We then have a chase that leads onto the roof (why do we need TWO of these?) in which both Kayla and Mitch fall to the ground and both come out of it without any serious injuries. Possible maybe, but far too convenient. For these two reasons, that chase should maybe be cut. Then you could just have Mitch and Peyton hiding in the attic waiting for her to come up (which she does) and catch her then, since it's where they end up taking her anyway.
- They now tell their evil scheme to Kayla. Fine, she needs to know, but the reader has already heard it once. This perhaps needs some alterations.
- Why are Tatum and Josh going BACK to the house instead of getting help? Because Tatum got upset about something really stupid and went off in a huff? No one would do that in this situation, and she comes off a total d*ck. Josh and Tatum have achieved nothing by leaving the house (except making it possible for Mitch and Peyton to do their thing without them knowing, which is obviously the only reason you had them leave since they don't go and get help like they were supposed to. Seems contrived). Kayla also achieved nothing by fleeing and then going back. Seems like all 3 of them should've stayed put and let Scott, the only person with half a brain who runs like hell at the right moments (except when he's searching for a joint of course...) get the help, since he's the only one who's actually decided to keep going.
- Why does Mitch leave Josh unconscious instead of killing him? Why does he drag Tatum to the house and lock her in the closet instead of killing her? Later the killers complain that dispatching of these kids is hard. Well it wouldn't be if the dumbasses just did it when they had they chance.
- Leigh being dead in the closet is very anti-climatic.
- Peyton is explaining the stuff about Leigh now, which, unlike the previous stuff, we DO need to hear because it's new to us, but I've found a huge hole in it. Why would Leigh be out for revenge on Mitch and Peyton? They paid him to kill Kayla; he accepted their offer, messed it up and went to jail. How is that THEIR fault?! I think he should be a mentally disabled (he has the mentality of a child) and somehow (although I don't know how), they tricked him into trying to kill her. Maybe they made him believe she did something bad that related to him somehow. Whatever you decide, he needs more of a motive for revenge. Also, cut the "made it look like rape" part. Why would they want the murder to look like rape? If she'd died, the murder would've looked like murder (or rape AND murder). She ISN'T raped, it doesn't seem to fit, so maybe you should cut that. Kayla's traumatic past isn't affected. Someone still attempted to kill her, that's traumatic enough. But also take out that God stuff that she says earlier. She doesn't believe in God because someone FAILED to murder her? I think surviving the ordeal would REINFORCE her belief in God!
- Mitch was just at the house sticking Tatum in the closet. Scott has been running through the woods for ages. How exactly does Mitch catch up with him?!
- Mitch stabs Scott in the stomach, hangs him from a tree, and then axes him in the chest. Why? Why didn't he just stab him through the chest with the machete and get it over with? Getting all that rope seems like a lot of extra effort, especially since he then uses an axe to actually kill him.
- Tatum's chase. She sees Peyton and runs back up the stairs? Is she blind? Why doesn't she go out the back door? She falls over the railing and then runs for the back door. Oh. The stairs bit is pointless. If you REALLY want to have her fall over the railing (which I'll admit would look cool lol), then have Peyton find her on the upstairs hallway coming down from the attic. She gives chase, catches Tatum as she's running down the stairs, they struggle, and Tatum goes over the railing. The rest of this chase is really cool except the bit where Peyton goes to the window just to bang on it (why?), only to then go to the door into the den. Just have Peyton go straight for the door. Then Tatum escapes through the window. End of chase.
- Josh helps Kayla and they try to escape. As George said, hitting Josh with the blunt part of the blade seems odd. Do the *she strikes, he ducks, she misses, gets the blade lodged in the floor* thing. Much better.
- The rooftop chase is cool (would be even better without the mini one with Kayla some pages before it). Kayla needs to be more upset about Josh dying but other than that, it's great.
- Why does Kayla hide in the garage instead of running away? It makes the whole scene where she hides in the car pointless, especially because she ends up running away after that anyway.
- Okay, this part really bugs me. Tatum says "If he wasn't dead he would've had the police here by now. He didn't make it". That's a very odd conclusion to come to since SHE got away and could've gone for help, but she didn't. And why not? Why does she hide? Why don't she and Kayla just run when Kayla finds her?
- Mitch and Peyton find them and grab them? Not ANOTHER attack that they escape from. Just have them run away!
- Kayla finds a crowbar lying on the bottom of a shelf? Mitch and Peyton would not be that careless. They'd have taken it. Have her find it on the floor, poking out from under the workbench when she hides behind it. They could have easily missed that.
- Kayla should not die. The ending is needlessly downbeat.

So basically, it was the plot holes, inconsistencies and constant blunders that your characters made which caused the third act to get confusing and messy. Do not fret; you have some great action here. There are some parts that I really like. You certainly get the feeling that they've been through one hell of an ordeal by the end of it, which is great. Just re-work that last section of the script to flow better, and stop splitting everyone up and keeping people alive for pointless reasons. If I can, I'll come up with an example of how you could change everything to work better. It will take some time, but I'll do it if I can so you can see what I mean. Sorry for all the negative stuff there, I do actually like the script! It can definitely be worked out. The post important thing through is to make the motives waterproof. They actually don't work very well at the moment, unless I missed something.

Ian

Ian,

AGAIN...SPOILER ALERTS!

OMG...Did you actually read this over again??? I didn't mean for you to do that, sorry. LOL. I am very appreciative toward you for doing that. If you need any other help or suggestions with REPRISAL, feel free to ask.

Anyways;
-The way Ben is whacked with the sledge-hammer. I truthfully didn't see it as "TCM" in my head while writing this, until you brought it up in your first review. I guess it can sort of be a "homage", but haha...I have already changed it.
-The reason why Grace goes and lies down was supposed to play with her psychological state. She's so confused and tired and freaked out, all she wanted to do was lie down, remember she wasn't feeling good? Also, I never made it clear enough, but all of them do not think that there's "intruders" still inside the house.
-I couldn't keep the "group" together, nothing would've worked out. I agree, I do need a better reason for Tatum to return back to Scott and Kayla. Her tantrum is a little immature and phony. I'll work on that. Scott was too freaked and only woried about getting away(and I state he's moving at a fast pace) to even realize Kayla has tripped. I imagined the sound of rain/thunder muting her little fall.
-I did meddle with the idea of leaving Ben and Grace childless, but I went toward the other option, KILL THEM ALL FOR REVENGE. The whole family (through their eyes) is to blame. Scott and Tatum HAD to die. They were just in the way. If I delete their characters(which I might possibly do) that leaves Kayla and Josh practically alone since they hold somewhat of a strong sense of antimosity towards each other.
-Like you said, Scott never told Kayla about the "attacker" to the extreme. So you would assume it was her parents. Scott has ditched her ass, why not go back if you think it was your parent? Where were Peyton/Mitch? To me, I didn't think it mattered, yeah, I got lazy. Why isn't Kayla attacked in the attic? I wanted to build some kind of suspense(I obviously went the wrong way in doing it), if she saw Peyton/Mitch in the attic right after finding her Mom, she would have for sure assumed them. But, instead I wanted to put her in a situation where she would feel safe with someone and we know for a fact that hugging and "trusting" Peyton in the bedroom was the wrong thing to do. I was hoping the readers would be like "Oh no, you stupid girl!" or "Oh shit". It wasn't exactly a "roof" scene, she was hanging out of the window. The fall, yeah, it would hurt, but I can't make them both die or anything.
-Yeah, having the rehashing moment about the motive. I've already planned to change that, I'm cutting a lot of it from Grace's scene.
- I needed the characters back. I couldn't let them scramble in the woods forever and have Peyton/Mitch hunting down 4 teens at the same time.
-I couldn't kill Josh right there, he's like Kayla's savior in a way. I don't know why I kept Tatum alive for so long.
-Oopsie, I did meant it as a rape/murder, not just rape. Having Leigh back into the mix and having him be part of Peyton/Mitch's plan from the past was totally last minute. I'm sure if I decided to do this early on I would've played with it more than I did. As for him being mentally challenged. Um, yeah, I thought of that but HOW many times have we've seen a retarded killer(even though in fact he wasn't the killer), I thought people would cuss at me saying it's too cliched.
-I don't know how Mitch got there so fast. How does Michael Myers catch his running victims? How did "fish-hook" man in I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER get ahead of Sarah Michelle at her death scene?? I truthfully did not find this a big thing, but I don't mind fixing it either.
-Tatum's chase. Originally I had Tatum "creeping down the stairs and as she is 2-3 steps from the bottom, Peyton pops up from the winding corner and then Tatum starts backing up the stairs" then the scene would continue as it was. I am adding that back into the rewrite. But, in a way I truly did want a "why do they always run up the stairs scene". Peyton knew Tatum would be naive enough to run back through the house(which she didn't) if she thought Peyton would "axe" through the window.
-As for the blunt end of the axe scene. I didn't know it would bother that many people. I am changing it.
-Thanks about the roof-top chase.
-As for why she hides in the car, I probably will delete that, but I was saw it as she is really worn out and freaked by her brother's death that she needed a rest. But, yes, I see your point.
-Yeah, that line bugged me too. It's odd, I look at some of the stuff I deleted WAY BEFORE I finished it and some of it is actually better than what I kept in. I don't let them run away because WITH ALL MY HEART...I can't. I didn't want the "ending" to take place somewhere in the woods. I wanted it to be the farm.
-Kayla finding the crowbar could simply suggest they forgot that, but I will fix that. I like your suggestion.
-The originally ending I had was just to have Kayla walk down the road, no Murray, and no death. But, that seemed a little too familiar, ie: JBD. So, then I had this idea wouldn't it be a little fucked up Mitch/Peyton are dead, but yet they've succeeded in their revenge plot? Both "parties" lost in the way I wanted to end it.

WELL thanks again for reading it, along with your suggestions. I don't know what I want to actually finish first. THIS OR HARMFUL DAYS???? Umm...

-ONEY

this was decent how many scripts had you cokpleted before this

What you should finish first depends on where the muse moves you. Do you feel a need to finish Harmful Days? Or do you feel like this rewrite needs to be done. This is already out there. If you slow down enough to consider what you're thinking about the most, you'll get it.

Hey this was pretty good. I liked how you sorta let all the stuff build up before anything happened. Like in Hollowman most of the movie is build up for the action at the end. that barely happens in movies anymore. Overall this was pretty decent.

Good job.

Yay Oney!!! This was my favorite script pn this site!  The only problem I had have been brought up before. In the first few pages its like the children of south park and even they dont talk like that infront of their parents. Some of it seem forced too... but just at the beginning. 10 pages in I was on a roll and didn't stop untill the ending which, I don't care what anyone said, was exellant. act 3 was a perfect fit. I did notice Kayla was silly not to say ANYTHING after the phone call. noises I can understand, when I'm alone I hear all kinds of noises but if someone called me and said "Im watching you" The last thing on my mind would be sleep. I would be sitting in the bathroom locked in with a candle and the sharpest biggest knofe in the house... or id tell my paremts That aside, this was really my fave. script on the site

Its been awhile since I've touched this script, its actually been a while since I've read a script and reviewed it, but lately I've found my "drive" to rewrite this as I've planned many months ago. Its going quite well, actually. The first act is completely finished, dialogue has mainly been trimmed. The second and third act will be a little bit challenging because its where most of the work needs to be done.

I might end up changing Scott's name, only because its a very common "white boy"(no offense anyone) and readers might get confused with him compared with Josh. I know I have quite a bit of rehashing moments, dialogue wise, so I might cut it or replace it with more character backstory. Not quite sure yet.

It was explained to me by my friend, but I still might share anyways. I mainly wanted to trim this script and have it run a lot more smoothly(while fixing up the last act), and I am using Final Draft this time around. Final Draft has actually extended my script even with the trimming I have already done. I'm going to very surprised at the overall length of this script.

Again, thanks Ian, George, and Bert for your helpful suggestions.

-ONEY

Glad you got back to it. Best of luck on the rewrites.

Wow...you did let this one simmer for a while.

I'll bet that's a good thing, though, as you can go back into it very fresh, you know?

It'll be fun to see what this one looks like after you've doctored it up, but try to keep that page count down if you can.

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