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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  Season of the Devil Moderators: bert
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  Author    Season of the Devil  (currently 7883 views)
Scoob
Posted: July 2nd, 2005, 9:57pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you Chism.

The final draft of the Friday The 13th script was posted and is up and running i beleive and I will not be making any alterations to it.

I hope you enjoy this script more !

Cheers



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chism
Posted: July 2nd, 2005, 10:21pm Report to Moderator
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Fair enough. I'm about halfway through it so I should have my full review in about and hour or so.

Cheers, Chism.
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Scoob
Posted: July 6th, 2005, 8:02pm Report to Moderator
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I will be working on a final draft of this in the coming weeks or months, but I really wont be altering that much so I would still appreciate reader's views and opinions on this current version.

Thanks to the reviews I have recieved I can see I need to make improvements to the dialouge, particularly in the early stages.

I will be making a cut somewhere along the wood treck so they get to the church quicker.

A couple of minor changes here and there but nothing drastic.

Cheers




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Scoob
Posted: July 22nd, 2005, 5:09pm Report to Moderator
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Would be great if people can read this and give me a review , it would be really appreciated.

I dont think my sypnosis helps, I probably over done it a little, can i change it on here or do i need to email Don to re-arrange it?

Cheers



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George Willson
Posted: July 23rd, 2005, 7:44pm Report to Moderator
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Wow, I wrote 6 pages of stuff on this. It might take more than one postd. Scoob, you wanted a review, you got one. After I finished it, I think you came up with a decent storyline, but your execution is a little off in some places. My comments are made as I read through it, and I post them unedited to let you know what I was thinking as I read some spots.

SPOILERS ALL OVER THE PLACE LIKE SO MUCH GORE THAT THIS STORY HAS...



The we’s and us’s are annoying. It’s like you’re sitting there explaining your story instead of telling it. Drop every single “we see” and applicable derivatives and it will improve considerably.

Generally, check your “you’re” vs. “your”. You have a large tendency to mix these up throughout. Same thing goes for "there", "their", and "they're".

No page numbers, so you’re on your own on finding these. I'll write a sentence so you can CTRL+F it.

“He wears a necklace which bares the "SOWEN" symbol.” - bares should be bears. You may also wish to describe this symbol.

“Tom and Megan exchange quick glances, no words said as Tom walks into the kitchen.” - If there is no dialogue, there are clearly no words making the description kinda redundant.

JAMES
(questionably)
Why you shouting at Dad, mom?

Review your wrylies. Like this one (questionably), many are completely unnecessary. James is asking a question, making his line clearly said in a questionable manner. Your dialogue and action should dictate how an actor will say the line. The only time you should use a wryly is if the manner in which the line is said is unclear or out of character or if there is some kind of short, accompanying action that could not be properly handled as a description line just before the line. The (to James and Katie) wryly just after this one is also unnecessary since the description right before it states that Megan is ushering the kids out of the room.

“Lee...I thought you was home already.” - When did we establish Tom’s redneck roots? The verb usage is incorrect unless Tom always talks like this. I notice he did it again further down the page. If this is deliberate, make sure it is consistently deliberate.

“From the kitchen, we hear stomping feet pacing up the stairs.” - Pacing? To pace is to either set a speed or to walk back and forth. If he walked up the stairs and stayed there, then he didn’t pace.

“Both laugh, as behind them a tall dark figure walks unnoticed into the incubator room.” - If this guy isn’t supernatural, this skirts the believability factor. Modern hospitals make the infant wards like prisons. No one gets in or out without clearance. The doors are securely locked, usually magnetically.

When Jack Shepard is introduced, you should say he is a janitor with his name rather than three lines later. Of course this would have more to do with his dress than anything else, since you can’t SEE he is a janitor unless he is dressed like one. You have to show it.

“The church is in the middle of the town hall, but it is made distant from the other buildings by a tall gate that surrounds the perimeter.” - Huh? It is in the middle of the town hall, but distant from other buildings? How is that possible?

By the time we get into the script, you have almost completely stopped using we see. Interesting.

The kids’ abduction is kind of wild. Go from messy to clean. Kind of a contrast from the church. So far, so good.

JACK
(takes a look
outside through
the revolving
door's glass)
I still don't see no one.

This wryly would be better done as a line of description before the dialogue. If you’re going to have more than one or two words in the wryly, you should do it as description.

“Kerry looks up at the incubator room where all the babies should be.” - Sure, she looks up at the incubator room, but we already know this is where the babies should be. This is telling, not showing. Let’s get to the incubator room first, and then see what’s there or have someone say what is supposed to be there.

“The sheriff takes a step further down from the police station entrance and relieves his shotgun.” - Relieves his shotgun? What does that mean?

“We're gonna get our kid's back.” - no apostrophe in “kids”

“You mind distinguishing that cigarette please, Mr. Beaumont.” - I think you mean “extinguishing.” Same with the reply.

WILLIS
I tried one of the cars...it
wouldn't start. A moment before
that, all the damn things had
their lights on, their horns
blowing like crazy.

--Yeah, we just endured this as well as everyone in the police station. No need to restate it. Every line must have a purpose. Why is this one here? What does it accomplish? Ask yourself this throughout the script.

“Willis is at the back of the station, in Sheriff Rileys office. He overhears.” - When did Willis go to the back office? What did he over hear? Is he talking to himself?

“They huddle inside the church.” - But they haven’t entered the church yet. How are they huddling inside it?

After they meet Father Keane in the woods, you have a montage. This would be more properly written like this:

MONTAGE

A) Deserted Kensingwood Street
B) The Deserted Hospital
C) Outside the Police Station
D) Inside the Station, Kerry sleeps on Jack’s lap. The officers remains at their desks…yadda-yadda-yadda as you have it.

END MONTAGE

“Steven Reed and Janice Reed are in an embrace.” - An embrace? It may be better said that they are in each other’s arms. An embrace implies some intimacy.

The grisly death scene of the party on Knight’s Hill. 1) I hope there was a point to it all. 2) Why did they kill everyone in almost the same way? 3) Why spare Steven to watch it all. In summary, be more imaginative with this bit, since slicing off 3 heads and crushing two more gets boring, albeit gory. Might as well remove organs or slice people at the waist or something else along with everything else.

I hope dream sequence amounts to something. Finally, somewhat interesting. Still hoping they amount to something. Finsihed the script. Never explained. Not sure what it was supposed to accomplish. I'm guessing the implication is that the devil created the world as purported in the speech by Riley?

Every awakens from the devil dream. You would not indicate in the dream they just had a dream, but just whatever reactions they are having. If they had the dream, they should tell us later.

Another montage…see above.

“Leroy comes out, joyfully and happily from the back room with a few wires around his neck.” - What are these wires? What do they do? Give us something to go on…

“They exchange words, before Father Keane and Megan and Cheryl calm the guys down.” - You wanna tell us what they said, or should the actors just say whatever they feel like at the time?

“From behind a car, something watches the store, breathing deeply, watching.” - Redundancy alert! If we simplify this sentence, it says “Someone watches, watching.”

“Refusing to abide by Kerry's pleas to sit down, Jack continues his rant.” - In the script, Kerry does not plead, nor does Jack continue his rant. Is this leftover treatment?

“Jack's comments go missed as the officers babble in talk trying to figure out what has happened.” - But in the script, they don’t babble about anything. And during this part, why is Jack being so ridiculous to Jenkins? Sure, it’s stressful, but calling him Batman and asking if wears a thong?

“Jenkins takes a look at the board, mumbling to himself before the door SLAMS shut.” - What is he mumbling to himself? Is it important? If it isn’t important enough to write down, perhaps they shouldn’t do it.

“Goblin then devours the reaming strands of Jenkins leg until it is decapitated.” - I think you mean, “amputated.” Decapitated means you lose your head; nothing else.



Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
George Willson  -  July 23rd, 2005, 7:49pm
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George Willson
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AND YET MORE SPOILERS!

“Goblin throws the sheeth of skin away, before biting into Jenkins palpitated heart.” - Palpitated should be palpitating. This is not meant as an offense, but http://www.hyperdictionary.com is a superb online dictionary. I use it when the word evades me.

“The list continues to scroll as everyone looks on in shock and surprise.” - You did a lot of research into various Satanic names, although you left out Satan. Does the text repeat or just scroll out as written?

LEROY
(smirking)
You believe in that crap, Father?

So no one seems to have any reaction to someone asking a priest if he believes one of the basic facets of his own religion? Odd, really. Not even an eye roll.

As I’m reading through here, there are a lot of establishing shots of the current state of affairs. It’s deserted. The windows boarded. However, these are things we already know about and there is no need to establish it. Just keep the story moving. The deserted morning was a good establishing, but after that, they’ve all been kind of pointless.

Another problem at this point is that very little is happening. I am not sure who the main protagonist is, but I’m guessing Tom. He knows he has to defeat whoever has the children, but maybe 2/3 through (guessing based on position of scrollbar; I’m at the establishing shots of the windows boarded up ending with Halloween superimposed), we still don’t know anything about who that is or where to go to do it. The story is beginning to lag a little. Let’s see if it picks up.

In the hardware store after they’ve been drugged or whatever, the police station sequence answered a lot about this. Repeating any of it for the sake of these characters is redundant for the audience. Better to start the scene after they are awake and they have figured it out.

“(The black robed figures are the CULT that was in the opening scenes. They will now be know as the CULT.)” - We haven’t learned anything to establish the black robed figures as a Cult any more than we’ve already learned. You would either refer to them consistently throughout the story as the Cult or continue to refer top them as Black Robed Figures until something else comes to light. Very little has at this point.

“We preyed to the lord.” - Preyed should be prayed.

“Leroy is barely on his feet the time the figure slumbers into the station.” - I believe he would “lumber” into the station.

“I have a bad feeling about this.” - Thank you, Mr. Lucas...

“Raising the cross high as he can to the Goblin, Father Keane begins to mutter some words, but his shock at seeing the Goblins' face stuns him.” - What words is he muttering?

You have description of children handcuffed to “the” metal bar twice. However, there is no description of this metal bar. Is it on the floor, the ceiling, the wall? How is it attached to prevent escape?

“The members that manage to run for their lives, seem to freeze in their position.” - Huh? So did they run or are they frozen? This needs to be clearer.

And a POV in the case of Father Keane looking out the window is not a proper heading, but more of a camera scene change. You describe several things that occur.

“From nowhere, the empty handcuffs next to Tom and Megan begin to fill with people, transported.” - What empty handcuffs? The last description we have of this is “Tom and Megan are handcuffed to the metal bar, both opposite each other and next to a seemingly eternal long row of children.” Where do these empty handcuffs come in?

I always dislike the “bad guy wins” stories.

Overall, I think the story started out pretty clever and had some good moments. After it got going and you had all of your characters introduced and doing something, it slowed down. Both groups got trapped at the same time in their buildings. Both groups went up to the hill. There was a lot of brutal killings for reasons made partially known at the end, but were all the deaths this brutal? At the end, Father Keane tells them they have to go to the hill. Um, why didn’t he say this earlier? Characters should not have knowledge of the end unless they are going to act on it. Keane should be as clueless as everyone else, or once they meet him, they should act on their knowledge. The group gained nothing from being in that store except the convenience of getting locked in. It would be far more clever to have them seek out the hill early, learn its secrets, and then run into trouble. Might help the slowness and redundancy that seems to settle over the middle.

Why do I dislike the “bad guy wins” stories? No realization. In basic writing of a movie, the final plot point is supposed to be the “theme” of the entire movie and answer the question put forth blatantly at the end of the Wizard of Oz, “What did you learn, Dorothy?” or as stated is Star Trek: The Next Generation’s early seasons, “You see, Wesley...”

When we leave the theatre, regardless of the ending, we need to have gotten something out of the film. If the good guy doesn’t win, we have to have a realization as to why. “War of the Roses” doesn’t have a sunny ending, but it has a realization. The stage version of “Little Shop of Horrors” has a down ending (everyone dies), but it has a realization. As you have the script now, there is no realization from anyone. They blunder through the script and reach the ending and it ends. We are left wanting to have gotten something out of reading or watching this, but we have nothing.

When it comes to the act breakdowns, your first act was decent. It set up all the major characters for the most part. It had their weaknesses and gave them something to learn as we move through the film, which is important. Tom and Megan, for example, were two people when we started, but the incident showed them (thinly) that they need each other.

The big event was definitely catastrophic and pretty well executed. All the children are gone! It affected everyone in a big way.

The second act killed you as many second acts tend to do. There were no reversals or new revelations within it beyond Father Keane’s involvement in something mysterious about this woodland church. Jack and Kerry don’t learn anything from being at the police station. In fact, if their scenes in act two went away all together, would the script lose anything? If the answer is no, rethink! This act needs more work than any other part besides the ending.

Somewhere, we need something to turn the story on its ear and force the main character to do something. Any main character. Does this happen? No. Father Keane says, “Everything is on Knight’s Hill; we need to go there.” They didn’t learn it. It wasn’t a big decision. Mr. Mysterious just comes out with it, making us wonder, “Why didn’t they just do that to start with?” If there is a reason, you need to be out with it. There isn’t even a low point there. Our police station buddies get dragged to the hill ahead of the other guys. Have the information revealed and then have an option to go for help and force the choice. Whoever the hero is, make him choose the only possible choice.

So we go into the third act where the cultists are dancing around the bungalow while killing off more main characters grotesquely. Why? We are told “It is their time to go.” Ok. We finally learn the entire ghastly plan a told by the local sheriff. Ok. Father Keane defeats the demons by drawing a right-side up pentagram (?) on the floor. Ok, you set it up well enough, we can go with it. They set the cultist on fire. Huh? That’s a little weird, since no one else has gone all John Carpenter on us so far, but ok. The cultist sets his fellows on fire causing Riley to laugh that he’s won and we all choke on the smoke.

First, I feel like the mystery might be drawn out too long. It might be nice to know some of this ghastly plan ahead of time. Maybe Mr. Mysterious Father Keane knows something. Would it be so bad if the good guys win?

Answer this question before your movie ends and justify your ending. What are you trying to say with this film? If it’s everyone is evil and deserves to die, no one will buy it, because it sounds like a raving lunatic. That line is always followed with, but there is still good in the world. Sometimes you just have to look for it. When you end the movie as drastically as you did, you have to justify that ending. When you kill off someone, you have to justify their death. If you have no justification or reasoning for what occurs, then you need to find it.

I think you have some potential in this, but it needs a lot of work.


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Scoob
Posted: July 23rd, 2005, 11:41pm Report to Moderator
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Holy cow!

Thanks for the review George, I really appreciate you taking the time to do so.
I will reply to the points youve made tomorrow but having read just a little I can say you will have helped me loads with this.

Cheers



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Scoob
Posted: July 24th, 2005, 10:18pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks George for your great review, it is very helpful to me and I will be working on the points you made. Very much appreciated!


The we’s and us’s are annoying. It’s like you’re sitting there explaining your story instead of telling it. Drop every single “we see” and applicable derivatives and it will improve considerably. I will be making changes to this in my next draft. Didnt realise I put this in so much at the start but looking over it again, it apparently is! Changes to be made!

Generally, check your “you’re” vs. “your”. You have a large tendency to mix these up throughout. Same thing goes for "there", "their", and "they're".
This is something I will have to keep an eye on. I will be working on this also on the next draft.

“He wears a necklace which bares the "SOWEN" symbol.” - bares should be bears. You may also wish to describe this symbol.
I have sorted this out now, cheers. Also added a small description for the symbol.

“Tom and Megan exchange quick glances, no words said as Tom walks into the kitchen.” - If there is no dialogue, there are clearly no words making the description kinda redundant.Good point, thanks for pointing this out and it has now been sorted.

Review your wrylies. Like this one (questionably), many are completely unnecessary. I will go through these and see what is needed and what is not. The two you pointed out i agree with and Im sure there are more that I will have to change. The good thing about paranethicals or wrylies, for me, is they help further to desribe how the character is saying the line. It might be obvious, but there are more then a few ways of saying something. I just feel the more description given, the clearer the idea comes across.

“Lee...I thought you was home already.” - When did we establish Tom’s redneck roots? The verb usage is incorrect unless Tom always talks like this. I notice he did it again further down the page. If this is deliberate, make sure it is consistently deliberate. /“From the kitchen, we hear stomping feet pacing up the stairs.” - Pacing? To pace is to either set a speed or to walk back and forth. If he walked up the stairs and stayed there, then he didn’t pace.
Nope, hes not a redneck! I have changed this, thanks for pointing this out. Also changed the stomping/pacing segment. Thanks for the eagle eye, George, you are helping me sort this out big time.
“Both laugh, as behind them a tall dark figure walks unnoticed into the incubator room.” - If this guy isn’t supernatural, this skirts the believability factor. Modern hospitals make the infant wards like prisons. No one gets in or out without clearance. The doors are securely locked, usually magnetically.The guy/thing is supernatural. A moment that you would definitly ask the question you asked but would not know until the story unfolds. Plus, of course, this is a horror film and considering there are three demons involved, reality is somewhat turned on its head a little.
When Jack Shepard is introduced, you should say he is a janitor with his name rather than three lines later. Of course this would have more to do with his dress than anything else, since you can’t SEE he is a janitor unless he is dressed like one. You have to show it.Sorted.
“The church is in the middle of the town hall, but it is made distant from the other buildings by a tall gate that surrounds the perimeter.” - Huh? It is in the middle of the town hall, but distant from other buildings? How is that possible?Heh, thanks for pointing this out George, what a mistake! I completely put the wrong description in here and have now corrected this.  
JACK
(takes a look
outside through
the revolving
door's glass)
I still don't see no one.

This wryly would be better done as a line of description before the dialogue. If you’re going to have more than one or two words in the wryly, you should do it as description
.
This is very useful to know and will keep this in mind in any future writing I do. I have now corrected this.
“The sheriff takes a step further down from the police station entrance and relieves his shotgun.” - Relieves his shotgun? What does that mean?There is probably a hundred words I could have used better instead of the one I chose. Have now re-worded this. He basically has "relaxed his grip".  Sounds worse dosnt it? The sheriff and his shotgun...I dont want to get into it lol
WILLIS
I tried one of the cars...it
wouldn't start. A moment before
that, all the d*rn things had
their lights on, their horns
blowing like crazy.

--Yeah, we just endured this as well as everyone in the police station. No need to restate it. Every line must have a purpose. Why is this one here? What does it accomplish? Ask yourself this throughout the script
This dialouge has now been altered.
“Willis is at the back of the station, in Sheriff Rileys office. He overhears.” - When did Willis go to the back office? What did he over hear? Is he talking to himself?This was down to bad writing again im afraid. Have now corrected this. I should have put the fact Willis went into the back office a few lines above when he was checking the station but I didnt put enough detail into where he went or who he spoke to. This has now been corrected.
They huddle inside the church.” - But they haven’t entered the church yet. How are they huddling inside it?Wrong word, and a mistake I have now corrected by basically deleting it. It was not needed as the next line explains them going inside anyway.
After they meet Father Keane in the woods, you have a montage. This would be more properly written like this:

MONTAGE

A) Deserted Kensingwood Street
B) The Deserted Hospital
C) Outside the Police Station
D) Inside the Station, Kerry sleeps on Jack’s lap. The officers remains at their desks…yadda-yadda-yadda as you have it.

END MONTAGE
Thank you for explaining to me how to do a montage. This will now be altered in that way as will most of the numerous other montages I have in this story. Appreciated! (Is there a way you can do this using a format on Final draft 6? )
“Steven Reed and Janice Reed are in an embrace.” - An embrace? It may be better said that they are in each other’s arms. An embrace implies some intimacy.Yep, have now changed this also.
The grisly death scene of the party on Knight’s Hill. 1) I hope there was a point to it all. 2) Why did they kill everyone in almost the same way? 3) Why spare Steven to watch it all. In summary, be more imaginative with this bit, since slicing off 3 heads and crushing two more gets boring, albeit gory. Might as well remove organs or slice people at the waist or something else along with everything else.1> Up until this scene, no one had been murdered, and this was a chance to show the three demons were the "bad guys". Plus this is a horror story. A bit of gore and violence had to come into it and this was to build up that there was something evil, doing something evil. To show what Skull and the Witch were capable of doing. 2> The reason the murders are similar is  the method of killing becomes that killers trait. It was not meant to be a gore fest for the sake of gore. We can see the Witch is the one giving the instructions and Skull is the one doing the act. 3) It is torture to allow Steven to watch it happen, thats the whole point of him being tied up and not being able to do anything about it. He was not spared at all, in fact he suffered the most.
I hope dream sequence amounts to something. Finally, somewhat interesting. Still hoping they amount to something. Finsihed the script. Never explained. Not sure what it was supposed to accomplish. I'm guessing the implication is that the devil created the world as purported in the speech by Riley?Your guess would be correct. (you're?)
Every awakens from the devil dream. You would not indicate in the dream they just had a dream, but just whatever reactions they are having. If they had the dream, they should tell us later.Good point, and I did have the intention of fitting this in but I just could not find the space. I will be looking at this and placing this in, this being  pretty much a key point. . The segments i cut will be reworked on and I will place them in.
“Leroy comes out, joyfully and happily from the back room with a few wires around his neck.” - What are these wires? What do they do? Give us something to go on…Have now altered this.
“They exchange words, before Father Keane and Megan and Cheryl calm the guys down.” - You wanna tell us what they said, or should the actors just say whatever they feel like at the time?I have now corrected this too. Basically, added some dialouge to the scene!







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Scoob
Posted: July 24th, 2005, 10:22pm Report to Moderator
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“From behind a car, something watches the store, breathing deeply, watching.” - Redundancy alert! If we simplify this sentence, it says “Someone watches, watching.”
lol. I cant believe I wrote that, but I did. Corrected.
Refusing to abide by Kerry's pleas to sit down, Jack continues his rant.” - In the script, Kerry does not plead, nor does Jack continue his rant. Is this leftover treatment?This should not have been left in there to be honest now I have read over this again. It has now been removed and replaced.
“Jack's comments go missed as the officers babble in talk trying to figure out what has happened.” - But in the script, they don’t babble about anything. And during this part, why is Jack being so ridiculous to Jenkins? Sure, it’s stressful, but calling him Batman and asking if wears a thong?I will fix the babble talk thing. As for Jack, he's cracking and is taking his stress out in the only way he can which to him is humour. Might not be funny to anyone else but its what keeps him going. Thats who the guy is. He started on Willis the moment before, now Jenkins. But sure, its not needed and probably does not help the storyline in anyway. I will keep it in for the next draft, but it may be removed for the final draft when I might make some more cuts.
“Jenkins takes a look at the board, mumbling to himself before the door SLAMS shut.” - What is he mumbling to himself? Is it important? If it isn’t important enough to write down, perhaps they shouldn’t do it.Another good point. Another cut.
Goblin then devours the reaming strands of Jenkins leg until it is decapitated.” - I think you mean, “amputated.” Decapitated means you lose your head; nothing else.
Thanks George. Thats the word I was looking for!

I will finish this shortly, thanks a lot for the review it is helping me a lot.



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George Willson
Posted: July 24th, 2005, 11:02pm Report to Moderator
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I'm glad it is helping. My strength is telling a story. I'm a little weak in the dialogue area, but I do all right on my own and I can tell you the principles. The comments I made throughout are a drop in the bucket to the stuff I wrote at the end.

There, it becomes far more subjective and will require more work to figure out if I'm right or just a loony. You are well within your rights to call me a loony on anything I've written, of course. After all, these are my opinions.

On some of the comments I made (like the redneck vocabulary) I caught it the first time and ignored it the rest of the way. There is incorrect verbiage in multiple places throughout the dialogue.

When it comes to the dream, I made the relation to the speech at the end only after I had finished everything and was pondering it. The link should be made clearer eithre immediately after the dream or when the speech is given so the audience can link the two together immediately. It's clever, but clever without understanding means that some of the cleverness is lost.

As for making Final Draft do Montages, I haven't a clue. I don't use Final Draft or any other program to format. I turn off all the auto-functions in Word and do it manually, so I know it is done correctly. As much of a techie as I can be sometimes, I dislike programs that think for me. I program web sites in notepad using raw html instead of getting a program to do it for me. Screenplay formatting is about the same thing. I know how to do it, and don't trust a program to do it for me. Now, if you enter a montage, Final Draft might catch it and do it right, but I don't know.

If anything I've written up there is unclear in any way, feel free to ask.


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Scoob
Posted: July 26th, 2005, 9:01pm Report to Moderator
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Hi George,

Here is the remainder of my reply to your very helpful review.

“Goblin throws the sheeth of skin away, before biting into Jenkins palpitated heart.” - Palpitated should be palpitating. This is not meant as an offense, but <http://www.hyperdictionary.com> is a superb online dictionary. I use it when the word evades me.Thanks for the link, it will come in handy im sure.
The list continues to scroll as everyone looks on in shock and surprise.” - You did a lot of research into various Satanic names, although you left out Satan. Does the text repeat or just scroll out as written?I left out Satan as he is obviously the Devil. The names listed are the many demons and servants of the devil. The text is as I put it, the shot would have finished before we can see what is on the computer screen next. Perhaps it continued with the names, its upto the reader/viewer really.
LEROY
(smirking)
You believe in that cr**, Father?

So no one seems to have any reaction to someone asking a priest if he believes one of the basic facets of his own religion? Odd, really. Not even an eye roll.
Leroy is the basic asshole of the story, I dont think anyone is surprised at what he comes out with. It is showing his lack of intelligence he even asked that question!
As I’m reading through here, there are a lot of establishing shots of the current state of affairs. It’s deserted. The windows boarded. However, these are things we already know about and there is no need to establish it. Just keep the story moving. The deserted morning was a good establishing, but after that, they’ve all been kind of pointless.It is to establish the atmosphere, but mostly the time issue. Time has moved on a good few hours since the last event. In order to show this, the best way is to slow things down. What we are shown here is the sky turning darker, the town as it heads into evening. Otherwise, the whole thing would not work at all. That is the point in doing it.
In the hardware store after they’ve been drugged or whatever, the police station sequence answered a lot about this. Repeating any of it for the sake of these characters is redundant for the audience. Better to start the scene after they are awake and they have figured it out.
The scene where we pick up in the hardware store does begin where they are awake and have realised they have been gassed. There is a couple of mentions concerning the gassing, but if they didnt mention it, then maybe the audience would not realise they were also gassed. It does not go on for long, probably two or three mentions.
“(The black robed figures are the CULT that was in the opening scenes. They will now be know as the CULT.)” - We haven’t learned anything to establish the black robed figures as a Cult any more than we’ve already learned. You would either refer to them consistently throughout the story as the Cult or continue to refer top them as Black Robed Figures until something else comes to light. Very little has at this point.I was slightly worried readers would not realise the cult and the black robed figures were the same so I put that line in there, although it is quite obvious who they are. So I have removed the sentence.
“We preyed to the lord.” - Preyed should be prayed.  Thanks for spotting this, have now corrected it.

“Leroy is barely on his feet the time the figure slumbers into the station.” - I believe he would “lumber” into the station. This has now also been corrected.

“I have a bad feeling about this.” - Thank you, Mr. Lucas... Not quite sure what you meant with this comment. Sounds slightly sacrastic...
“Raising the cross high as he can to the Goblin, Father Keane begins to mutter some words, but his shock at seeing the Goblins' face stuns him.” - What words is he muttering?I guess it would help if I actually wrote what words he said wouldnt it? Bad writing. I have now sorted this out. I have a feeling I have written like this a few times on this script so I will go over it again and edit it for my next draft.
You have description of children handcuffed to “the” metal bar twice. However, there is no description of this metal bar. Is it on the floor, the ceiling, the wall? How is it attached to prevent escape?As we enter the tunnel, the description mentions the metal bar at the bottom and that it has handcuffs attached all the way along. This is before we even see any children. I think you may have missed this bit, but it could be down to my writing not being clear enough in which case I have now re written it to be a lot more informal.
“The members that manage to run for their lives, seem to freeze in their position.” - Huh? So did they run or are they frozen? This needs to be clearer.
Yes, I have now corrected this also.
And a POV in the case of Father Keane looking out the window is not a proper heading, but more of a camera scene change. You describe several things that occur.
I have now changed this to its proper scene heading instead of being a POV shot.  It's weird that I dont notice these things when I read through them but only when someone else points it out and then the error stands out clear as day. Thanks for bringing these points to my attention.
“From nowhere, the empty handcuffs next to Tom and Megan begin to fill with people, transported.” - What empty handcuffs? The last description we have of this is “Tom and Megan are handcuffed to the metal bar, both opposite each other and next to a seemingly eternal long row of children.” Where do these empty handcuffs come in?The description before in the tunnel describes them being lead down further into the tunnel until they arrive at an endless row of handcuffed children. That scene just before that  describes that all along the tunnel are rows of empty handcuffs.

I really appreciate you taking the time to make a review like this, George. The points you made were so helpful to me in rewriting this and will proove to be very useful in any future writing I do from now on.
On the points you made, I have now corrected and I will go through the draft again to make some more corrections that have come to light.
Thank you for a brilliant and very helpful review.
I will be making another post shortly to reply to the seperate comments you made.



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George Willson
Posted: July 26th, 2005, 11:00pm Report to Moderator
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Sorry. On the "Thank you, Mr. Lucas" comment, Every Star Wars films contains the line "I have a bad feeling about this." Yes, it was sarcastic, but I couldn't help myself.  


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Scoob
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Ahhh.

Cheers for clearing that up!

In that case, I dont blame you at all!

I might make Darth Vadar grab the demons underground when i get to part 8.




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Scoob
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Hi George,
Thank you again for your review and here are some of the further responces to the great review you have posted.

I always dislike the “bad guy wins” stories.
I tend to like that the bad guy wins on certain films. If I went to see Wizard Of Oz and the witch won I would feel I have a right to be disapointed as Im not getting what I wanted to see.. If im going to see a horror movie, I would want to be somewhat horrified.  Sure, its great to have a good feeling to come out of a cinema or even at home watching a movie and feel good about the fact that goodness has won the day. If thats how people want to feel at the end of a film, then stick to that genre.
This is a horror story and it has a pretty horrific ending.  Not that all horror films have to have an ending like that, but you know what you are getting. If you dont like it, dont see it.

Overall, I think the story started out pretty clever and had some good moments. After it got going and you had all of your characters introduced and doing something, it slowed down. Both groups got trapped at the same time in their buildings. Both groups went up to the hill. There was a lot of brutal killings for reasons made partially known at the end, but were all the deaths this brutal?
I agree, the story seems to lapse at the midway point when maybe it should have been moving up a gear or two. I am going to be working on this.
At the end, Father Keane tells them they have to go to the hill. Um, why didn’t he say this earlier? Characters should not have knowledge of the end unless they are going to act on it. Keane should be as clueless as everyone else, or once they meet him, they should act on their knowledge. The group gained nothing from being in that store except the convenience of getting locked in. It would be far more clever to have them seek out the hill early, learn its secrets, and then run into trouble. Might help the slowness and redundancy that seems to settle over the middleThe comment Father Keane made was after he spotted the rest of the Cult members going in that direction. He had no previous knowledge whatsoever.  
To get them to the hill too early would be pointless as the ritual would not even be happening at that point. There is no reason for them to go up there until Father Keane notices the cult members going in that direction.
If they did in some other way find out about what was happening earlier, then it would make a completly different story. Sure, it would speed the pace up. But this is not meant to be a fast paced horror at all.  It is more of a mystery-thriller-horror. It is slow which some people will not like about it, but that is the pace I wanted to set with this and I beleive it would work surprisingly well.
If the story becomes boring in this part, then it is down to me to make it improved which I am going to work on.
Why do I dislike the “bad guy wins” stories? No realization. In basic writing of a movie, the final plot point is supposed to be the “theme” of the entire movie and answer the question put forth blatantly at the end of the Wizard of Oz, “What did you learn, Dorothy?” or as stated is Star Trek: The Next Generation’s early seasons, “You see, Wesley...”I agree with you on this point.  As I answered beforehand, the "theme" of this movie is horror. The ending is one of horror. If you want to leave the cinema feeling good, go and see a film that will make you feel good. If you want to see a horror film, you should know what you are in store for. This is not the Wizard Of Oz...
When we leave the theatre, regardless of the ending, we need to have gotten something out of the film. If the good guy doesn’t win, we have to have a realization as to why. “War of the Roses” doesn’t have a sunny ending, but it has a realization. The stage version of “Little Shop of Horrors” has a down ending (everyone dies), but it has a realization. As you have the script now, there is no realization from anyone. They blunder through the script and reach the ending and it ends. We are left wanting to have gotten something out of reading or watching this, but we have nothing.

This is a really good point, George and although you seem to think I have nothing to show in this, I think the complete opposite. The people are not superhuman and they dont do stupid things like separate and get slaughtered off one by one. They stick together. They do what they can. How much more real can they possibly be? Dialouge, yes. Something I need to work on. But what would you have done in the sitution?   So, no I dont think they "blunder" through anything. They deal with the situation as well as can be. As for what you are talking about realization in an ending,  well, what did you get out of this? This is basic horror. It is a warning about evil. No matter where you are, how old you are, or who you are, there is evil around and the more people that realize that then the better. Evil exists. So if anything, this should make people appreciate the little things they have in  life. Life does not always end up with a happy ending, and neither does this script.
The second act killed you as many second acts tend to do. There were no reversals or new revelations within it beyond Father Keane’s involvement in something mysterious about this woodland church. Jack and Kerry don’t learn anything from being at the police station. In fact, if their scenes in act two went away all together, would the script lose anything? If the answer is no, rethink! This act needs more work than any other part besides the ending.I agree the second act could be improved and Im going to work on this. I will be cutting a few scenes and this is where I will probably introduce the cut dream scene that I removed. I will be looking at the whole act as Andy, Bert and yourself seem to think this part sucks



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Scoob
Posted: July 27th, 2005, 2:33am Report to Moderator
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CONT

SPOILERS!



Somewhere, we need something to turn the story on its ear and force the main character to do something. Any main character. Does this happen? No. Father Keane says, “Everything is on Knight’s Hill; we need to go there.” They didn’t learn it. It wasn’t a big decision. Mr. Mysterious just comes out with it, making us wonder, “Why didn’t they just do that to start with?” If there is a reason, you need to be out with it. There isn’t even a low point there. Our police station buddies get dragged to the hill ahead of the other guys. Have the information revealed and then have an option to go for help and force the choice. Whoever the hero is, make him choose the only possible choice.Ok, I take your point that I need to flesh out the main character out a bit more. What I wanted to do was something different, make every character be the MAIN character. Tom is the main character but his dialouge lets him down. I will work on this.
Father Keane does not say "Everything is on Knights Hill" until he has seen the Cultists moving in that direction and Megan and himself figure it out. So this was either misread or misunderstood by yourself.  You seem to have not read this section or completly missed it. The police station officer, Jack and Kerry are forced that way before Father Keane, Tom and Megan are. Thats why they follow them there!
So we go into the third act where the cultists are dancing around the bungalow while killing off more main characters grotesquely. Why? We are told “It is their time to go.” Ok.I dont think I need to explain this surely. The fact that there is no reason for the murders is horryfying enough. The point is there is no point.
We finally learn the entire ghastly plan a told by the local sheriff. Ok. Father Keane defeats the demons by drawing a right-side up pentagram (?) on the floor.A right-side up pentagram represents God.
Ok, you set it up well enogh, we can go with it. They set the cultist on fire. Huh? That’s a little weird, since no one else has gone all John Carpenter on us so far, but ok. The cultist sets his fellows on fire causing Riley to laugh that he’s won and we all choke on the smoke.I dont get the John Carpenter bit?
Father Keane sets one of the Cultists on fire. Whats wrong with that?  
Not sure I understand what you mean here. Whats weird?
First, I feel like the mystery might be drawn out too long. It might be nice to know some of this ghastly plan ahead of time. Maybe Mr. Mysterious Father Keane knows something. Would it be so bad if the good guys win? You may be right, and perhaps I do drag the story on too long. I will be working on things during some rewrites and I will post my next draft up here shortly. It would be bad if the good guys win, the moral of the story would not exist.
Answer this question before your movie ends and justify your ending. What are you trying to say with this film? This is a fantastic question and should be asked to all people that have written horror scripts or any kind of script for that matter, and it probably is. This is what I asked myself before I even began writing this, what am I trying to do here?
The answer was to scare people, to make something original and different but to keep it simple. Horror is a universal language and really needs no language to explain what it is. If I explain this story, the whole thing is over with. It is done and dusted, over and out.
As I said before, no one needs to justify an ending just to make sure people go home feeling comfortable and happy in themselves. If that is what they want to feel, then they will not be the people I want to go and see or read my material. They should know what they are in store for, they are going to see a horror film. They want to be horrified.
If there is something to say in the script it is that evil does exist, all children need to know and be aware of it, the world is not all great and it can be bad, dark and dangerous.
If it’s everyone is evil and deserves to die, no one will buy it, because it sounds like a raving lunatic. That line is always followed with, but there is still good in the world. Sometimes you just have to look for it. When you end the movie as drastically as you did, you have to justify that ending. When you kill off someone, you have to justify their death. If you have no justification or reasoning for what occurs, then you need to find it.This was part of the last question but I split it up to answer it more easily. I think I have explained my reasons on the above text.  The thing is, it is how you percieve it and how you see it as to how it ends.  The thing you said about everyone being evil and they all deserve it is nothing to do with it, it is nothing like that. It is just simple. There does not need to be answers all of the time, there is not reason behind madness. You do not have to justify anything. Can you justify life?
I think you have some potential in this, but it needs a lot of work.
Thanks so much for your help with this George, the review you gave me was brilliant and made me think about a lot of things to do with my writing. I have already made some changes and have a lot to do now.
I agree with you on most things and I will be making some changes to the script.
Thank you for the review, I really appreciate it.

Cheers!!!!




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